What this chapter should be called: WTF is up with these chapter names?
Fucks I give: 0
Shocker: like the three before it, nothing happens in this chapter.
Like I said, shocker.
This chapter is really just a bumblefuck of words about sparkling and being dazzling. The fact that Bella is pretty is literally the entire premise of this chapter. Boom. Done.
But I would not be myself if I didn’t slog through every tortuous sentence.
“I don’t know how much we should tell Renée about this,” Charlie said, hesitating with one foot out the door. He stretched, and then his stomach growled. I nodded. “I know. I don’t want to freak her out. Better to protect her. This stuff isn’t for the fainthearted.”
Charlie is still reeling from the news that his daughter is a supernatural creature. and by “reeling,” I mean, “watching a lot of sports and going to get food.” He agrees that they should keep Bella’s monster makeover from Renee, and is otherwise okay with things. I wonder what he thinks happened to Bella. Is he just assuming that she hit second puberty or got struck by wizard lightning? (+1 Stupidity)
Everything is generally awesome. Charlie loves the baby ( who is being passed off as Edward’s “niece”) and is satisfied that Bella won’t run away on him. Bella is thrilled she can hang out with her father without worrying about the Volturi. Speaking of which, are the Volturi ever gonna show up to check on Bella? Wasn’t that part of the plan, way back in New Moon? Did they stop to get Slurpees on the way or something?? (+1 Stupidity)
“I watched him drive away; it wasn’t until I heard his tires hit the freeway that I realized I’d done it. I’d actually made it through the whole day without hurting Charlie. All by myself. I must have a superpower! It seemed too good to be true. Could I really have both my new family and some of my old as well? And I’d thought that yesterday had been perfect.”
Is Meyer even trying anymore? Is there going to be any hint of conflict in this book? You can spoil me on this. Anyways, as Charlie goes to leave, Bella announces that the baby’s middle name will be “Carlie,” which is a combo of Charlie and Carlisle, because finding original names is too much work or something.
But I love how Bella just spontaneously decides this kid’s middle name four days after her birth. Maybe, in a week or two, Bella will also decide that she wants to stick “Angelface Rainbowbutt” in after Carlie. (I know, totally unrealistic. Following current trend, it would be something totally logical and sense-making, like Jessicangela, or Tyleric.) The Cullens are gonna have some serious fun forging Renesmee’s birth certificate. Has anyone even bothered with a birth certificate, I wonder? Hmmn. If not, this girl is gonna have a hell of a time trying to get her Learner’s Permit.
Back on track. Charlie leaves and Bella is thrilled she didn’t eat her dad.
“Edward, I did it!” “You did. You were unbelievable. All that worrying over being a newborn, and then you skip it altogether.” He laughed quietly.”
Gooood Bella! D’you wanna treat? You wanna treat, you good little sparklepire, you! (+1 Stupidity)
“I’m not even sure she’s really a vampire, let alone a newborn,” Emmett called from under the stairs. “She’s too tame.” All the embarrassing comments he’d made in front of my father sounded in my ears again, and it was probably a good thing I was holding Renesmee. Unable to help my reaction entirely, I snarled under my breath. “Oooo, scary,” Emmett laughed.”
Edward eyes an opportunity for fun and taunts Emmett, telling his older brother to back off, because as a newborn vampire, Bella is gifted with Ultra Strength. Emmett isn’t impressed. Following Edward’s lead, Bella challenges Emmett to an arm wrestling match. Because Esme doesn’t want her good table demolished, Emmett and Bella head outside to arm wrestle on a boulder.
See, at this point, I’ve read enough of Meyer’s writing that I know Bella is going to win. Bella will always, always be the winner of every situation imaginable. Bella could beat that IBM supercomputer at Jeopardy. Bella would triumph over Darth Vader in a lightsaber battle. Bella could punch a tornado in the face if she wanted to. Fifteen atomic bombs could be dropped directly on Bella’s head, and the entire West Coast would be destroyed, except for Bella. Bella is infallible. In fact, all major religions now consider Bella’s name a prayer. Uttering it will grant you immediate deliverance to paradise for all eternity.
So I knew she was gonna win. It still pissed me off.
“I gritted my teeth and grabbed his big hand. “One, two—” “Three,” he grunted, and shoved against my hand. Nothing happened. Oh, I could feel the force he was exerting. My new mind seemed pretty good at all kinds of calculations, and so I could tell that if he wasn’t meeting any resistance, his hand would have pounded right through the rock without difficulty.”
Emmett tries to overpower “Noodle Arm” Swan, but it’s no use. She’s illogically strong. Never mind that it would make perfect sense, and I would completely support it, if Meyer had traded off Bella’s physical Ultra Strength for Super-Double mental resilience, explaining why Charlie is currently uneaten. That would make way too much logic. (+1 Stupidity)
“It wasn’t enough to move me. His hand shoved against mine with crushing force, but it wasn’t unpleasant. It felt kind of good in a weird way. I’d been so very careful since the last time I woke up, trying so hard not to break things. It was a strange relief to use my muscles. To let the strength flow rather than struggling to restrain it.”
Bella waxes poetic for a minute before slamming Emmett’s arm down. Emmett doesn’t take losing very well, and storms off in a huff. (It’s okay, Emmett. We all know Meyer made you do it. Shhhh, baby.) Bella is elated, and spends two paragraphs kicking and karate-chopping the boulder to dust. Because reasons, okay?
“I didn’t pay much attention to the chuckles behind me while I punched and kicked the rest of the boulder into fragments. I was having too much fun, snickering away the whole time. It wasn’t until I heard a new little giggle, a high-pitched peal of bells, that I turned away from my silly game.”
Everyone stares, shocked that babies laugh at stupid shit. (+1 Stupidity) Bella picks up her tot, and they indulge in some more wanton destruction, crushing several small rocks to smithereens. Renesmee is thrilled; crushing rocks is evidently very entertaining.
( Note to Cullens: buy this kid some freakin’ toys, you rich douchebags. (+1 Stupidity))
And then, sparkletime.
“The sun suddenly burst through the clouds, shooting long beams of ruby and gold across the ten of us, and I was immediately lost in the beauty of my skin in the light of the sunset. Dazed by it. Renesmee stroked the smooth diamond-bright facets, then laid her arm next to mine. Her skin had just a faint luminosity, subtle and mysterious. Nothing that would keep her inside on a sunny day like my glowing sparkle.”
Everyone is mesmerized, because Bella’s sparkly skin is the prettiest skin to ever sparkle. Ugh. Just when I thought Bella was too perfect, she goes and becomes 145% more perfect. (+2 Cream Count)
Bella relishes the fact that she’s sparkly and amazing. She must have been born to be a perfect, glittering, sex-crazed vampire.
“Not artistic or musical, no particular talents to brag of. Nobody ever gave away a trophy for reading books. After eighteen years of mediocrity, I was pretty used to being average. I realized now that I’d long ago given up any aspirations of shining at anything. I just did the best with what I had, never quite fitting into my world. So this was really different. I was amazing now—to them and to myself. It was like I had been born to be a vampire.”
Sorry, sweetie, but I’m pretty sure these sorts of things don’t work that way.
Cream Count: +2
Thesaurus Rape: +29
Cream Count: +14
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +12 Jacob: +8