What this chapter should be called: Sex is better than caring for kids
Fucks I give: -5
We begin with Bella suddenly needing to be maternal and take care of her child over having wild sex with Edweird. She’s not too happy about this. Let me give you the first few sentences of this chapter, just to put things in perspective:
“It was only a little while later that Edward reminded me of my priorities. It took him just one word. “Renesmee . . .” I sighed.”
And I laughed my ass off.
Bella truly is the worst, isn’t she? She sighs like this baby is a burden – a three day-old burden! I mean, on the very next page, Bella looks toward the Cullen house and then back at naked Edward, and honestly can’t decide if she’d rather see her daughter or have sex. (+1 Bitch) Edward reminds her it’s okay, they’ll have all night to sex it up.
“It’s all about balance, love. You’re so good at all of this, I don’t imagine it will take too long to put everything in perspective.” “And we have all night, right?” He smiled wider. “Do you think I could bear to let you get dressed now if that weren’t the case?” That would have to be enough to get me through the daylight hours.”
Bella, honey, you aren’t choosing between going to Disneyland and eating a plate of cauliflower dipped in cough syrup. This is your daughter. The one you were willing to die for, remember? You only reminded us, like, 493,583,329,400 times! What the hell happened to that?? (+1 Stupidity)
Very reluctantly, Bella decides to go visit her baby, but first she has to put on clothes, since hers were shredded in the wild passion of last night. She opens the closet, which is described as being bigger than the bedroom (if anyone can draw me the floorplan of this house, I’ll give you a cookie.) and is filled with garment bags full of fancy clothes. Bella grouses and whines about the dresses until Edward gets her a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.
“Fine,” I muttered, and I pulled down the zipper on the closest bag. I growled under my breath when I saw the floorlength silk gown inside—baby pink. Finding something normal to wear could take all day! “Let me help,” Edward offered. He sniffed carefully at the air and then followed some scent to the back of the long room. There was a built-in dresser there. He sniffed again, then opened a drawer. With a triumphant grin, he held out a pair of artfully faded blue jeans.”
This is what I hate about Bella. She complains and complains about the things that others have done for her, but never once does anything productive about it! Unless you count waiting for Edward to fix it productive, which I certainly don’t. Bella would rather sulk about her gifts and fake enthusiasm than say, “hey, Alice, I appreciate that you picked out pretty dresses for me, but I’m really a jeans and t-shirt person.” Ugh. I’m not sure if I can count this as a bitch point or a stupidity point, since I’m sure that Meyer really is just desperately trying to make things seem “sexy.” GAG. One of both it is. (+1 Bitch/Stupidity)
Moving on. The lovebirds get dressed and go out and frolic in the garden and then race back to Cullen HQ.
“Renesmee was awake; she was sitting up on the floor with Rose and Emmett hovering over her, playing with a little pile of twisted silverware. She had a mangled spoon in her right hand. As soon as she spied me through the glass, she chucked the spoon on the floor—where it left a divot in the wood—and pointed in my direction imperiously. Her audience laughed; Alice, Jasper, Esme, and Carlisle were sitting on the couch, watching her as if she were the most engrossing film.”
Yes, the little demon is sitting on the floor, playing with silverware. (Take notes, babysitters and parents-to-be.) Why Renesmee is playing with silverware, I have no idea. The Cullens could probably fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with their money and have enough left over to buy a minor-league baseball team. So it would stand to reason they could have bought some actual baby toys, right? Maybe something a little more durable and appropriate than silverware? Right, because vampires have two extra chromosomes, Renesmee is half-vampire-half-human, and the Cullens are tremendous douchebags. (+1 Stupidity)
Besides, why would the Cullens even have silverware they would never use? Yeah, “keeping up appearances,” sure, but that’s kind of bullshit, because as far as we know, the only human who has ever been to the Cullen house is Bella, way back in book one. It’s not like these dudes are always hosting dinner parties. In fact, I’m not even sure they have any friends outside of Bella-land, so this makes absolutely no sense. (+1 Stupidity)
While my brain cries from the lack of logic, Bella observes Renesmee.
“She was different, but not so much. A little longer again, her proportions drifting from babyish to childlike. Her hair was longer by a quarter inch, the curls bouncing like springs with every movement. I’d let my imagination run wild on the trip back, and I’d imagined worse than this. Thanks to my overdone fears, these little changes were almost a relief. Even without Carlisle’s measurements, I was sure the changes were slower than yesterday.Renesmee patted my cheek. I winced. She was hungry again.”
Renesmee is still breathtakingly beautiful, of course. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) She coos and cackles and makes other baby-sounds, letting Bella know she’s hungry via face-touch, so Edward goes to the kitchen to fetch some fresh human blood from Mike Newton’s corpse. Kidding! We still don’t know where the blood is coming from, or why it’s okay for Renesmee to chug it but Jasper can’t so much as lick a papercut. (+1 Stupidity)
Everyone is all laughter and smiles because they know that Bedward was having wild sex last night. Emmett is being very sarcastic and cracking loads of jokes on the subject, which is pissing off Bella. I love Emmett. Noting the lack of pedophilia in the room, Bella asks where the wolves went.
“I don’t know—or care,” Rosalie grumbled, but she answered Edward’s question more fully. “[Jacob] was watching Nessie sleep, his mouth hanging open like the moron he is, and then he just jumped to his feet without any kind of trigger—that I noticed, anyway—and stormed out. I was glad to be rid of him. The more time he spends here, the less chance there is that we’ll ever get the smell out.”
The conversation moves on and the Cullens discuss their plans to go east coast while Bella attends college. Alice butts in, saying the future is all blurry because Jacob is up to something. Wait a minute. I thought Alice couldn’t see Jacob? So how would she know that his future would affect theirs if she can’t even see him in the first place??
You know what, never mind I said anything.
Emmett keeps making sex jokes.
“Do not lose your temper, do not lose your temper, I chanted to myself. And then I was proud of myself for keeping my head. So I was pretty surprised that Edward didn’t. He growled—an abrupt, shocking rasp of sound—and the blackest fury rolled across his expression like storm clouds.”
“And then I smiled. and then I gave myself a hug for being such a good little sparklepire.” I feel like this is a line from one of those books you had to take home and read in like, first grade. What a good little Bella, good girl. Want a piece of candy for being so good?
As Bella stays calm, Edward flips out. And by “flips out” I mean, “sulks like an scene kid being told he can’t have $40 for a new hoodie.” (+1 Stupidity)
And then things get convoluted. Stretch your logic muscles before proceeding.
“Before any of us could respond, Alice was on her feet. “What is he doing? What is that dog doing that has erased my schedule for the entire day? I can’t see anything! No!” She shot me a tortured glance. “Look at you! You need me to show you how to use your closet.” For one second I was grateful for whatever Jacob was up to. And then Edward’s hands balled up into fists and he snarled, “He talked to Charlie. He thinks Charlie is following after him. Coming here. Today.”
Edward reads Jacob’s mind and discovers that Jake has told Charlie the truth. Not the whole truth, but something very close to it. (More on that later.) Everyone panics. If Charlie finds out about vampires, then the Volturi would destroy all of Forks, WA. How they would find out, I’m not exactly sure. Maybe they’re watching Rosalie’s Facebook page or something? (+1 Stupidity)
Okay, moving on. The gist of this is that Jacob has shown Chuck that he’s a werewolf, and now Chuck is coming over to see Bella. Jacob’s reasoning behind this move is that now Bella will not be able to go away and take Renesmee with her. What a douche. (+1 Red Flag) Charlie will come over and make the wrong assumptions about Bella, everything will be dandy, no one will suffer, and everything will be perfect.
“Jacob rolled his eyes and flopped into the nearest chair. His little pack moved to stand on his flanks, not at all relaxed the way he seemed to be; Leah’s eyes were on me, her teeth slightly bared. “So I knocked on Charlie’s door this morning and asked him to come for a walk with me. He was confused, but when I told him it was about you and that you were back in town, he followed me out to the woods. I told him you weren’t sick anymore, and that things were a little weird, but good. He was about to take off to see you, but I told him I had to show him something first. And then I phased.” Jacob shrugged.”
And Charlie’s reaction to a kid he’s known for 16 years morphing into a mega wolf is “okay, I don’t need to know the whole story. Please don’t tell me any more. Thanks.” Charlie Swan is officially the world’s worst (or most poorly-written) dad. (+1 Stupidity)
As chief of police, Charlie Swan should find out exactly what’s going on in his town. People have died in the last three books, and those attacks were committed by vampires and/or giant wolves. It’s his duty to protect the community from murder, so I’d expect a bit more police work from Officer Swan.
As a father, Charlie Swan should shoot Jacob in the face with a shotgun, storm the Cullen compound, and assassinate everyone inside in an effort to find out what happened to his daughter.
But Charlie Swan would rather sit on his couch, drink beer, and watch sports.
More on that in a minute. Now that everyone is in a tizzy, Esme has to quickly teach Bella how to act human.
“Esme nodded once and came to take my hand. “The main thing is not to sit too still or move too fast,” she told me. “Sit down if he does,” Emmett interjected. “Humans don’t like to just stand there.” “Let your eyes wander every thirty seconds or so,” Jasper added. “Humans don’t stare at one thing for too long.” “Cross your legs for about five minutes, then switch to crossing your ankles for the next five,” Rosalie said.”
Do this, do that, ho hum. This part is actually a little bit funny, and for the first time, I think it might have been intended to be. But whatever. It’s all downhill from here. Chuck shows up at the Cullen compound, instantly loves Renesmee (gack), doesn’t question why his daughter looks different, and watches sports with Emmett after three paragraphs of the Cullens lying to him. Awesome.
“Jacob grinned. “Everything’s going to be great, Charlie. Just try to not believe anything you see.”
Well, monster’s out of the bag now. Let’s hope that Chuck’s mustache is as good at keeping secrets as Gretchen Wieners’ hair.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Red Flag: Jacob: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +29
Cream Count: +12
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +12 Jacob: +8