What this chapter should be called: Make it stop, Lord, please
Fucks I give: – 1 quadrillion
I’m in a pretty shitty mood right now, and it’ll probably show as I write this chapter’s review. Why am I in such a terrible mood? Mostly because last chapter, we were left with Bella lunging for Jacob’s throat. I foolishly believed that this chapter would be a continuation of the action set up in the last one.
Boy, was I wrong.
“I’m so sorry, Seth. I should have been closer.” Edward was still apologizing, and I didn’t think that was either fair or appropriate. After all, Edward hadn’t completely and inexcusably lost control of his temper. Edward hadn’t tried to rip Jacob’s head off—Jacob, who wouldn’t even phase to protect himself—and then accidentally broken Seth’s shoulder and collarbone when he jumped in between. Edward hadn’t almost killed his best friend.”
Instead of witnessing the tussle, we’ve skipped ahead to 15 after the actual tussle. Bella is the worst narrator ever. She barely tells us what happened, and she does a fairly craptastic job with that, too. Bella could go watch a kung fu tournament, be quiet for an hour, and then describe it to us as, “some guys did kung fu and I watched.” (+1 Stupidity)
But, God, do I feel bad for Jacob. After having his heart stomped on multiple times by Bella, risking his life for her, and watching her use and abuse him, she freakin’ tries to KILL him!. All for nicknaming her dumbly-named baby after a sea monster. And he doesn’t even phase to protect himself from her super newbie strength. It’s official — we need to form a search party to search for Jacob’s testicles.
“So shouldn’t I have been the one apologizing? I tried again. “Seth, I—” “Don’t worry about it, Bella, I’m totally fine,” Seth said at the same time that Edward said, “Bella, love, no one is judging you. You’re doing so well.” They hadn’t let me finish a sentence yet.”
Bella is feeling vaguely remorseful over nearly killing her best friend, but everyone is waving off her apologies and excusing her behavior, AGAIN. Seriously. Has anyone else noticed that whenever Bella does something that would require an apology on her part, everyone else just shrugs it off? Yeesh. I bet Bella could set fire to all of Canada, and everyone would just say, “Oh, silly Bella. It’s clearly not your fault you decided to burn down an entire country. We’ll just go to the mall and buy a new Canada, and maybe a Cinnabon while we’re there.” (+1 Stupidity)
“Anyone would have done the same, what with Jake and Ness—” He broke off mid-word and changed the subject quickly. “I mean, at least you didn’t bite me or anything. That would’ve sucked.” I buried my face in my hands and shuddered at the thought, at the very real possibility. It could have happened so easily. And werewolves didn’t react to vampire venom the same way humans did, they’d told me only now. It was poison to them.”
So, let’s get this straight: vampire venom is poison to werewolves. But it’s not poison to humans. We’re comparing venom that induces massive change and effectively ends human life…to poison. Vampire venom…is poison. Let that one sink in for awhile. (+1 Stupidity)
Seth sits on the couch and waits to heal while Bella thinks about Renesmee. She’s less angry at Jacob, now, for no other reason than because it’s convenient. Speaking of convenient, here’s some things we know about Renesmee:
1. She’s venomless. Since I was under the impression that super sparkle powers come from the presence of vampire venom, I can only assume her powers come from some other mystical place. Best guesses are Asgard, Candyland, or Tijuana. (+1 Stupidity)
2. Her growth is slowing down. For one whole sentence, Bella is worried that this rapid growth thing might be a problem, but then dismisses it, which pretty much secures her place in my mind as “worst mother ever.” (+1 Bitch) Besides, why would a baby grow quickly for a few months and then slow down to normal aging? This is stupid. I’m not even dignifying it with an answer. (+1 Stupidity)
3. Renesmee drinks human blood. The more you think about it, the less it makes sense. Why isn’t Bella going nuts over her daughter’s blood-breath? why isn’t Jasper freaking out over the smell of sweet, sweet, people juice? He’s gotta feel like a fat man trying to diet while his niece smears macaroni and cheese all over her body, then washes it off in an ice-cream bath. Besides, if it’s okay for baby to booze it up on the good stuff, why can’t Jasper? I know I’ve brought it up before, but why can’t the Cullens get blood from legit sources, like blood banks or white vans parked behind tattoo parlors? (+3 Stupidity)
There’s one last thing we know about Renesmee. Prepare to be able to see sounds and taste shapes:
“Lucky thing Ness—Renesmee’s not venomous,” Seth said after a second of awkward silence. “’Cause she bites Jake all the time.” My hands dropped. “She does?” “Sure. Whenever he and Rose don’t get dinner in her mouth fast enough. Rose thinks it’s pretty hilarious.”
4. Renesmee bites Jake all the time and loves his tasty blood. Edward says it’s only because Jacob tastes better than the vampires. But if Optimus is half vampire/half human, and vampires detest werewolf blood, then that means humans love werewolf blood. Right? RIGHT? Why won’t you answer me? Why can’t I stop crying? (+1 Stupidity)
Ugh. Bella is filled in more on what she’s been missing in the last few days. Hey, you remember that impending war between Sam’s pack and the Cullens? Yeah, not a problem now.
“The main thing was the end of the feud with Sam’s pack—which was why the others felt safe to come and go as they pleased again. The truce was stronger than ever. Or more binding, depending on your viewpoint, I imagined. Binding, because the most absolute of all the pack’s laws was that no wolf ever kill
the object of another wolf’s imprinting.”
Go ahead and forget all the stuff in the last 22 chapters. Sam and his gang are nice and friendly now, despite the fact that Jacob is no longer part of the pact and the rules protecting the imprintees of pack members no longer apply to him. Shhh. Don’t ask questions. It’s easier that way. (+1 Stupidity)
“So Renesmee was untouchable because of the way Jacob now felt about her. I tried to concentrate on the relief of this fact rather than the chagrin, but it wasn’t easy. My mind had enough room to feel both emotions intensely at the same time.”
MAGIC WORD SIGHTING!!!
So yeah, werewolf culture. Everything is smoothed out offscreen, as Seth explained to Bella. There are now literally zero points of conflict in this book. None, zip, nada. Ugh. Seth eventually falls asleep, probably from having to deal with the boringness that is the “perfect” Bella Cullen. She gets off the couch, noting that she doesn’t jostle the couch at all, and everything physical is just so eeeeaaaaassssy. Ugh. I can get off a couch too, Bella, but the difference is, I don’t feel the need to describe it to everyone.
Bella thinks about Charlie for the first time since her transformation.
“What would be the right thing to tell him? Were the Cullens right? Was telling him that I’d died the best, the kindest way? Would I be able to lie still in a coffin while he and my mother cried over me? It didn’t seem right to me. But putting Charlie or Renée in danger of the Volturi’s obsession with secrecy was clearly out of the question.”
Bella is slightly okay with packing up the baby and moving away for awhile, mostly because it would take her away from Jacob. She wonders how Jacob could even function with Renesmee gone. I rather doubt that would end well. Jacob would eventually find her, or he would end up trying to take an unfertilized egg to prom.
(Speaking of which, is Jacob even still attending school? He would be a senior right now, seeing as it was mentioned he was a grade below Bella. If he is, I want to go to his school, because he has had the longest summer break EVER.)
Bella holds Renesmee and a bunch of unimportant stuff happens. Renesmee is perfect, Jacob is a werewolf, everybody laughs and glitters. Boooring. But suddenly, Renesmee sends Bella a memory of drinking blood.
“And then Renesmee was out of my arms, which were pinned behind my back. I didn’t struggle with Jasper; I just looked at Edward’s frightened face. “What did I do?” Edward looked at Jasper behind me, and then at me again. “But she was remembering being thirsty,” Edward muttered, his forehead pressing into lines. “She was remembering the taste of human blood.” Jasper’s arms pulled mine tighter together. Part of my head noted that this wasn’t particularly uncomfortable, let alone painful, as it would have been to a human. It was just annoying. I was sure I could break his hold, but I didn’t fight it. “Yes,” I agreed. “And?”
Edward chalks the event up to overreaction, which causes Jasper to storm out. Turns out, I’m not the only one upset with Bella’s super restraint. He runs off into the forest to sulk…for three minutes. (Seriously. He’s back five paragraphs later.) Everyone is super-impressed with Bella’s self-control, and they decide that must be her superpower.
“Everyone is different; everyone has their own challenges. Perhaps what Bella is doing goes beyond the natural. Maybe this is her gift, so to speak.” I froze with surprise. Renesmee felt the change, and touched me. She remembered the last second of time and wondered why. “That’s an interesting theory, and quite plausible,” Edward said. For a tiny space, I was disappointed. What? No magic visions, no formidable offensive abilities like, oh, shooting lightning bolts from my eyes or something? Nothing helpful or cool at all? And then I realized what that might mean, if my “superpower” was no more than exceptional self-control. For one thing, at least I had a gift. It could have been nothing.”
Sorry, Bella. You’re still lame. Bella has super-self-control, much like Edward’s ability to read minds and Esme’s ability to be completely irrelevant to the plot of four books. (+1 Stupidity) Somehow, this leads into a conversation about three vampires I’m not sure we’ve ever met: Maggie, Siobhan, and Liam. Tell me, have we already met these dudes? I don’t care enough to go look them up. Anyway, Carlisle theorizes that Bella must have the same power as Siobhan: the ability to do whatever the fuck she wants.
“Carlisle shrugged. “It’s slightly similar to what Siobhan has always been able to do, though she wouldn’t call it a gift.” “Siobhan, your friend in that Irish coven?” Rosalie asked. “I wasn’t aware that she did anything special. I thought it was Maggie who was talented in that bunch.” “Yes, Siobhan thinks the same. But she has this way of deciding her goals and then almost… willing them into reality. She considers it good planning, but I’ve always wondered if it was something more. When she included Maggie, for instance. Liam was very territorial, but Siobhan wanted it to work out, and so it did.”
Yep. This chick’s power is to will things to happen. Siobhan wanted the vampire Maggie to stick around with her and Liam, and, SHAZAM, Maggie did, all because Siobhan wanted it. Carlisle thinks Bella must have a similar power. She’s not acting like a typical newborn vampire because Bella decided not to be a typical newborn vampire.
That thud you heard was my brain trying to make a run for it and slamming into my skull. Also, you may hear soft weeping. I’m still crying. (+1 Stupidity)
Seriously, that’s Bella’s power?!? So if Bella wanted to, say, fold a bowling ball in half, she could? If Bella wanted to make an giraffe lay an egg, she could do that too? If Bella wanted to eat a helicopter, that would be no problem because she has the special power to do whatever the hell she want?
I don’t get it! I thought sparkle powers were based on strong traits vamps had in their human life!?! Edward was sensitive and empathetic, so now he’s a mind reader. Alice was very perceptive, so now she sees the future. Emmett wrestled with bears for fun, so now he’s a certified badass whose idea of fun is hunting crocodiles while only armed with a shiv fashioned out of a ballpoint pen. What did Bella do? Oh, wait – she was a manipulative bitch who got whatever she wanted. I take it back. This makes perfect sense. (+1 Stupidity)
Anywhore, this conversation about Siobhan and her coven is so strange that even Bella tunes out. She holds Renesmee and has a face-touch conversation with her. (How are these powers going to be useful once Renesmee learns to speak, again?) Bella reminisces about life as a measly mortal while watching Renesmee dream, and then suddenly, Alice bounces in. Go away, Alice. I hate you and your powers make no sense.
“Happy birthday!” she squealed. I rolled my eyes. “No one starts counting on the actual day of birth,” I reminded her. “Your first birthday is at the year mark, Alice.” Her grin turned smug. “We’re not celebrating your vampire birthday. Yet. It’s September thirteenth, Bella. Happy nineteenth birthday!”
As a gift, Bella receives a key that probably unlocks a chest filled with miniature horses, pirate treasure, a gallon of pure mermaid blood, and the state of Kansas.
I hate this book.
Thesaurus Rape: +26
Cream Count: +12
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +12 Jacob: +7