What this chapter should be called: Baby-dating is better than weird nicknames
Fucks I give: A single fuck was given out of sheer confusion

 

This chapter is all about meeting Renesmee. It also goes to show that Meyer has no idea what she’s doing, because this baby is just one big contradiction. Pointless paragraphs are spent describing the wonder of this child that makes no flippin’ sense. By the end of this chapter, I was about ready to smite myself.

 

“Thinking of Renesmee brought her to that center-stage place in my strange, new, and roomy but distractible mind. So many questions.“Tell me about her,” I insisted as he took my hand. Being linked barely slowed us. “She’s like nothing else in the world,” he told me, and the sound of an almost religious devotion was there again in his voice.”

 

Edward goes on and on telling us that Renesmee is equal parts of him and Bella. She has Edward’s facial features, but Bella’s eyes. she has a heartbeat, but craves blood. Her skin is warm, but also tough and impenetrable. She an exact 50/50 split between vampire and human. Oh, and she’s growing at an alarming rate. How does that work, exactly? And why is no one concerned? (+1 Stupidity)

Bella learns that Jacob is still hanging around, but isn’t wallowing in misery and despair. Edward seems a little miffed by that, and Bella is shocked that Edward would be mad at Jakey-poo after all that’s happened. Edward says it’s complicated and refuses to explain further. Guess I can’t blame him. How is he supposed to explain to his wife that their newborn daughter is dating a 17-year-old werewolf?

 

“Edward, I don’t understand.” Frustration and indignation took over my head. He stroked my cheek and then smiled gently when my face smoothed out in response, desire momentarily overruling annoyance. “It’s harder than you make it look, I know. I remember.” “I don’t like feeling confused.” “I know. And so let’s get you home, so that you can see it all for yourself.”

 

Edward takes off his shirt and hands it to Bella, who is still wearing the tattered murder-dress. Of course, this leaves him shirtless, which makes Bella’s nether bits tingly. Yawn. Shirtless Edward and bloodstained Bella race back to the house, laughing joyously while all is lovely with the world.

Wow. This book really doesn’t have a point, does it? How is there still 200+ pages left of this drivel? There is no conflict. There is no villain. What could the next 17 chapters possibly be about?

Chapter 23: Bella Thinks About Things
Chapter 24: Bella Describes What It’s Like To Think About Things As a Vampire
Chapter 25: Bella Learns What It Feels Like To Wear a Scarf As a Vampire
Chapter 26: Bella Touches A Goat At A Petting Zoo For The First Time As a Vampire
Chapter 27: Bella Uses the Word “Moist” For the First Time as a Vampire
Chapter 28: Emmett in Space
Chapter 29: Bella Looks at a Flower
Chapter 30: Bella Looks at a Flower, Again
Chapter 31: Bella Wants Something
Chapter 32: Bella Gets Something
Chapter 33: Fifteen Pages of Blank Space
Chapter 34: Bella Watches Mythbusters for the First Time as a Vampire
Chapter 35: Everyone Murmurs
Chapter 36: No One Dies
Chapter 37: The Quilbry Goes To Cowboy Camp
Chapter 38: Bella Sits
Chapter 39: Bella Reads Her Own Book and Kate Realizes Her Life Is A Hellish Loop Of Pain, Probably Because She Once Stole A Bottle Of Nail Polish from Walgreen’s When She Was 10

I can hardly wait. (+1 Stupidity)

Anyhoo, the lovers get back to Casa de Cullen. Bella immediately senses heartbeats, which she associates with danger, and immediately holds her breath. It’s just Jacob, in human form, with Seth and Leah skulking around the forest in wolf form. There’s some more banter, and Bella wonders as to what Jacob and Edward are keeping from her. At the moment, though, they just want to make sure Bella won’t accidentally eat her baby.

 

“Carefully, Jacob,” Edward said. A snarl from the forest echoed the concern in his voice. “Maybe this isn’t the best way—”“You think it would be better to let her near the baby first?” Jacob interrupted. “It’s safer to see how Bella does with me. I heal fast.”This was a test? To see if I could not kill Jacob before I tried to not kill Renesmee?”

 

Well, it’s an interesting experiment, and by “interesting,” I mean “completely and utterly idiotic.” Werewolves smell bad to vampires! We already know this. It’s one of the few bits of canon that’s never contradicted itself. So, from a logical perspective, this test is a failure. It’s like conducting a similar experiment on a hungry kid and going, “oh, well, he didn’t eat that plate of onions covered in cat piss, so it’s probably safe to leave him with this box of chocolate donuts.” (+1 Stupidity)

After passing this silly test, Bella is allowed to go in and see her baby.

 

“The stranger-child in Rosalie’s arms had to be weeks, if not months, old. She was maybe twice the size of the baby in my dim memory, and she seemed to be supporting her own torso easily as she stretched toward me. Her shiny bronze-colored hair fell in ringlets past her shoulders. Her chocolate brown eyes examined me with an interest that was not at all childlike; it was adult, aware and intelligent. She raised one hand, reaching in my direction for a moment, and then reached back to touch Rosalie’s throat. If her face had not been astonishing in its beauty and perfection, I wouldn’t have believed it was the same child. My child.”

 

Of course, Renesmee is just the prettiest thing around. (+1 Cream Count)

And still, no one is concerned about this rapid growth thing. I guess they just figure the vampire half will cancel out the human half eventually? Do they maybe just think that Renesmee is going to wind up with the benefits of both species and the drawbacks of neither? Because, I hate to tell you, but that’s not how it works. If you take half a banana and a couple strawberries and chuck them in a blender, the result isn’t a blue-colored sludge that tastes like mangoes and has the ability to cure earaches. If you add seven and fourteen, the result isn’t super-twenty. Point is, Meyer’s math is fucked, which leaves us with a only a couple possibilities:

1. Meyer is a blathering idiot who would rather talk about beauty and having sex – sorry, making love – than take the time to understand basic fractions.
2. Renesmee is seriously ill and will be dead in five chapters.
3. Charlie is a merman who passed on his genetic superiority to his grandchild. (Hey, nowhere is this series does it ever describe Charlie’s legs. It’s totally possible.)

But whatever way you look at it, this is just one big clusterfuck of stupid. (+5 Stupidity)

Bella begins to cautiously approach her child, as Edward tells everyone about the encounter in the forest.

 

“What happened?” Carlisle interjected. His eyes were suddenly bright, an amazed smile beginning to form on his face. It reminded me of before, when he’d wanted the details on my transformation experience. The thrill of new information. Edward leaned toward him, animated. “She heard me behind her and reacted defensively. As soon as my pursuit broke into her concentration, she snapped right out of it. I’ve never seen anything to equal her. She realized at once what was happening, and then… she held her breath and ran away.”

 

Everyone thinks Bella’s restraint is totes amazeballs. Except for Emmett, who is upset that Bella didn’t try to fight with Edward. (Oh, Emmett. You’re still my favorite character.) Bella ignores them and just tries to get closer to her baby. She smells Renesmee for the first time, and isn’t tempted to eat her at all. Of course.

 

“The temptation here was really not comparable. Renesmee’s fragrance was perfectly balanced right on the line between the scent of the most beautiful perfume and the scent of the most delicious food. There was enough of the sweet vampire smell to keep the human part from being overwhelming.”

 

Um, I’ve smelled babies. Most of them smell vaguely of urine and feces, and those that don’t smell strongly of urine and feces. But Renesmee is so perfect her laughter cures sunburns and her earwax tastes like butterscotch. Her hair can be used as a clean energy source. Her bellybutton lint is comprised of glitter and precious metals.

I really hate this kid. (+1 Cream Count)

Renesmee cries for a second, and everyone freaks out. She’s passed over to Jacob, who in turn passes her over to Bella. (Hot potato!) Once the baby is in Bella’s arms, she reaches out to touch Bella’s face and smiles, showing her teeth. Yes, this two-day-old baby already has a full set of teeth. You should probably start hugging your kid now, Bella. By tomorrow, she’ll have a part-time job at the gas station, and the day after she’ll be sitting in a rocker and watching The Price Is Right while gumming her dentures.

Renesmee touches Bella, and this book becomes so confusing and mind-warping that it will make your bones itch and you’ll be able to taste colors.

 

“I was gasping, stunned and frightened by the strange, alarming image that filled my mind. It felt like a very strong memory—I could still see through my eyes while I watched it in my head—but it was completely unfamiliar. I stared through it to Renesmee’s expectant expression, trying to understand what was happening, struggling desperately to hold on to my calm. Besides being shocking and unfamiliar, the image was also wrong somehow—I almost recognized my own face in it, my old face, but it was off, backward. I grasped quickly that I was seeing my face as others saw it, rather than flipped in a reflection.”

 

What basically happens is that Renesmee shows Bella her memory of being born. At least, that’s what I think happened. It takes a couple more crazy sentences to sort this out. Bella is amazed by this. Me, not so much. For example, how the hell does a baby remember her own birth?!? Of course, Edward answers this with “how do I read minds?” and, “how does Alice see the future?” Which really doesn’t tell me anything except that Meyer doesn’t care anymore. (+1 Stupidity)

Whatever. Bella is thrilled by her child, who doesn’t feel like a stranger anymore. Jacob, however, is freaking out, saying that they better not push their luck today. Suddenly, the lightbulb goes off over Bella’s head.

 

“You didn’t,” I snarled at him. He backed away, palms up, trying to reason with me. “You know it’s not something I can control.” “You stupid mutt! How could you? My baby!” He backed out the front door now as I stalked him, half-running backward down the stairs. “It wasn’t my idea, Bella!”

 

Bella chases Jacob around the house while he tries to rationalize his future sexual relationship with the baby. But Bella refuses to listen to logic – actually, this is the first time she’s ever listened to logic, and it’s telling her that baby-dating is a no-no. (+1 Redemption) Everyone clears out of Bella’s way, and watches as the ravenous newborn vampire stalks her best friend. Yes, it’s that impassive. “Oh, hum, is she going to brutally murder her old friend?” The Cullens are douchebags. (+1 Red Flag)

Finally, Bella regains her composure and tells Jacob to just leave before anything bad happens.

 

“Run away while you still can,” I threatened. “C’mon, Bells! Nessie likes me, too,” he insisted. I froze. My breathing stopped. Behind me, I heard the lack of sound that was their anxious reaction. “What… did you call her?” Jacob took a step farther back, managing to look sheepish. “Well,” he mumbled, “that name you came up with is kind of a mouthful and—” “You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?” I screeched. And then I lunged for his throat.

 

Yes, the thing that sends Bella over the edge is Jacob’s use of a nickname instead of the long and stupid name Bella came up with. I kind of like it, if only because Bella hates it. My solution to this problem?

Well, Bella, perhaps you shouldn’t have given your child such a dumbass name. Jesus.

Chapter Count:
Stupidity: +9
Cream Count: +2
Red Flag: +1

 

Redemption: +1

Book Count:
Stupidity: +173
Angst: +19
Bitch: +16
Thesaurus Rape: +26
Cream Count: +12
Eye Rape: +1
Redemption: +6
Red Flag: Edward: +12 Jacob: +7

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Comments
  1. remymckwakker says:

    Can I just…

    *facedesk of biblical proportions*

    She has an angrier reaction to “Nessie” than to “HOLY FRICK MY BEST FRIEND WANTS TO SCREW MY NEWBORN DAUGHTER”? Issues, issues.

    Also – Renesmee in a rocking chair watching The Price is Right. I nearly choked. You, sir, are some kind of genius :’D

  2. ha5rika says:

    I would love to read a chapter titled, Emmet in Space. But, no such luck… Maybe you should try to rewrite the Twilight books because, as much as I hate Twilight, it’s got some potential to have been a good series. And you would just rock it!!
    What are planning to do after finishing Breaking Dawn, anyway? Are you going to do The Host or 50 Shades of Grey?

  3. sammygirl1967 says:

    Get used to the horribly overwrought descriptions of Nessie. She’s a bigger Sue than both of her parents.

    Also: you’re predictions for the rest of the book are a thousand times better than what actually happens. This pointless book somehow manages to become more insanely stupid than it already was.

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