What this chapter should be called: Super Bella and Lullaby Lad
Fucks I give: 0
So, this chapter is all about Edward teaching Bella how to kill animals. It’s bloody, confusing, and I question Bedward’s parenting skills more with sentence. Once again, Renesmee is the topic of maybe three, four sentences. Then again, maybe leaving your child with an emotionally damaged, baby-wanting vampire lady and a 17-year-old baby dater is a good idea. Who am I to say that abandoning your three-day-old child to make out in the forest is wrong? (+1 Stupidity)
Whatever. To avoid downstairs, Edward is trying to get Bella to jump out the window. Awesome.
“The window?” I asked, staring two stories down. I’d never really been afraid of heights per se, but being able to see all the details with such clarity made the prospect less appealing. The angles of the rocks below were sharper than I would have imagined them. Edward smiled. “It’s the most convenient exit. If you’re frightened, I can carry you.”
Bella then notices that she’s wearing a tightly-fitted cocktail dress and stilettos, courtesy of Alice. Why? Who the hell knows. I guess all chicks just appreciate waking up from a two-day nap dressed like a hooker. (+1 Stupidity)
She leaps out the window with total grace and ease, despite her six-inch stilettos, which she throws back through the window. Edward prepares her to jump over the river.
“He touched my cheek, took two quick backward strides, and then ran back those two steps, launching himself from a flat stone firmly embedded in the riverbank. I studied the flash of movement as he arced over the water, finally turning a somersault just before he disappeared into the thick trees on the other side of the river. “Show-off,” I muttered, and heard his invisible laugh. I backed up five paces, just in case, and took a deep breath. Suddenly, I was anxious again. Not about falling or getting hurt—I was more worried about the forest getting hurt.”
Four books in, and Meyer still doesn’t grasp the concept of “show, don’t tell,” does she? I don’t need it stated that she’s anxious, I can infer that from her hesitation. STOP TELLING ME OBVIOUS SHIT, MEYER.
Bella lunges forward to jump, which results in the dress splitting up her perfect thigh. I’m wondering why Alice even bothered with such a fancy thing. Alice should have clearly seen the future. Edward had decided to take Bella hunting. Alice would have known this was going to happen. Why not give Smella some sweats and a t-shirt? Right, because this is a Twilight book and that degree of critical thinking is not allowed. (+1 Stupidity) (Also, because vampires have two extra chromosomes.)
Bella waffles around on the riverbank for a minute, worried that she’s gonna klutz it up and that Emmett will laugh at her. (Hi, Emmett! You should come over some time. I made pie!) Once she finally gathers up the cojones to jump, she does it easily and effortlessly, like a fairy gliding across a lake of the tears of competent writers. Despite grossly misjudging her strength, she manages to avoid harming any trees, because Bella is the most flawless thing to ever exist.
“Over the sound of my peals of delighted laughter, I could hear Edward racing to find me. My jump had been twice as long as his. When he reached my tree, his eyes were wide. I leaped nimbly from the branch to his side, soundlessly landing again on the balls of my feet.”
Well, that’s incredibly boring. I don’t want to see Bella understand how to use her new powers without even trying. I mean, Batman spent years training as a ninja. Green Lantern spent, like, 1/4 of his shitty movie zipping around and learning how to make CGI hoops with the power of his mind. Tony Stark smashed into his ceiling the first time he tried to fly. Yet, Bella just throws herself around willy-nilly without a problem? I think not. (+1 Stupidity)
Thanking convenient plot devices and lazy writers, Bedward starts to run through the forest.
“He was faster than me. I couldn’t imagine how he moved his legs with such blinding speed, but it was beyond me. However, I was stronger, and every stride of mine matched the length of three of his. And so I flew with him through the living green web, by his side, not following at all.”
That doesn’t make sense. If you say, “…by his side, not following at all,” that doesn’t mean he’s faster than you. If you’re running side-by-side, you’re running at the same speed. Do you not know what “same” means? I’m pretty sure Grover covered this in-depth on an episode of Sesame Street. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella runs and marvels at how pretty the forest is. By now, you’ve probably realized that this is one of those chapters where nothing really happens, and therefore to not expect a lot out of me. The couple finally slows down and begins to stalk some elk. Edward tells Bella to follow her instincts and go for it, after stroking her face some.
“I thought about that, my eyes still shut as I listened and breathed in the scent. Another bout of baking thirst intruded on my awareness, and suddenly the warm, tangy odor wasn’t quite so objectionable. At least it would be something hot and wet in my desiccated mouth. My eyes snapped open. “Don’t think about it,” he suggested as he lifted his hands off my face and took a step back. “Just follow your instincts.”
Ugh. I forgot about all the face-touching and extraneous adjectives. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) That was the good thing about Bella being pregnant with the demon-spawn: all the face touching got put on hold. Whatever. Bella approaches the elk, when suddenly, oh noes! The wind blows a big fat gust of Kentucky Fried Human smell right into Bella’s face.
“I didn’t stop to think, hurtling out of the trees in a path perpendicular to my original plan, scaring the elk into the forest, racing after a new fragrance so attractive that there wasn’t a choice. It was compulsory. The scent ruled completely. I was single-minded as I traced it, aware only of the thirst and the smell that promised to quench it. The thirst got worse, so painful now that it confused all my other thoughts and began to remind me of the burn of venom in my veins.”
By the time Bella realizes what’s going on, she’s halfway to scoring herself a human casserole. Of course, she’s a newborn vampire, so the scent has made her utterly uncontrollable. Now, she’s going to kill innocent people, and Edward can’t possibly catch up with her. Is this –
Is this possibly TENSION?!?
Haha, I’m just fucking with you. None of that actually happens. Bella just decides to go another way, passing up a free lunch, because screw facts that have been established in previous books. Canon is for suckers. (+1 Stupidity)
“I have to get away from here,” I spit through my teeth, using the breath I had. Shock crossed his face. “Can you leave?” I didn’t have time to ask him what he meant by that. I knew the ability to think clearly would last only as long as I could stop myself from thinking of— I burst into a run again, a flat-out sprint straight north, concentrating solely on the uncomfortable feeling of sensory deprivation that seemed to be my body’s only response to the lack of air. My one goal was to run far enough away that the scent behind me would be completely lost. Impossible to find, even if I changed my mind… ”
Yes, Bella is an exceptional newbie with the ability to rationalize while hunting and to shy away from the temptation of human blood. Laaame.
They race away and Bella feels bad because she snarled at Edward. No one really cares. Once they slow to a halt, Edward is impressed that Bella not only stopped chasing the human, but could control herself enough to have a conversation. She says it’s no biggie. She knew she had to stop or else she would attack the poor human.
“Of course you did. That’s only natural. But I can’t understand how you ran away.” “What else could I do?” I asked. His attitude confused me—what did he want to have happened? “It might have been someone I know!”
Bullshit, Bella. You know four people who aren’t monsters, and you have little regard for human life. (See any mention of “Italy”.) Had Edward not been chasing her, Bella would be picking tasty people parts out of her teeth. (+1 Stupidity)
Also, Edward must have got stuck holding the idiot ball. The dude can read minds, and we know he has a range of about two miles. You might think he would hear the thoughts of the human, and go, “oh, gee, better not take the uncontrollable crazy newborn vamp up here!” (+1 Stupidity)
Once Bella is back to her super-senses, they do a little more hiking and find a mountain lion to slaughter. Killing the mountain lion is no big deal for Bella, who sucks it down like a furry milkshake.
“I guess I could have done that better.” I was covered in dirt, my hair knotted, my dress bloodstained and hanging in tatters. Edward didn’t come home from hunting trips looking like this.”
Bella is still thirsty because she’s so new, but she doesn’t like the way that deer smell. Edward suggests going back to the lone hiker, and I can’t tell if he’s joking or not.
“Whoever it was out there, if they were men, they probably wouldn’t even mind death if you were the one delivering it.” His gaze ran over my ravaged dress again. “In fact, they would think they were already dead and gone to heaven the moment they saw you.”
Bella says, no, thank you, and goes to hunt the stupid deer. They find some deer and kill ’em. Bella is astounded by the way Edward murders things so cleanly.
“It was a surprisingly sensual experience to observe Edward hunting. His smooth spring was like the sinuous strike of a snake; his hands were so sure, so strong, so completely inescapable; his full lips were perfect as they parted gracefully over his gleaming teeth. He was glorious.”
Bella notices every line of his body and the way the stars reflect off his perfect teeth. Barf. (+1 Cream Count) Hey, Bella, you do remember you have a kid, right?
Finally, she remembers her newborn babe, and asks to see her. Instead of giving an answer, Edward shuts her up with face-touching and kisses. (+1 Red Flag)
“He was not so hesitant in his movements; his arms locked around my waist and pulled me tight against his body. His lips crushed down on mine, but they felt soft. My lips no longer shaped themselves around his; they held their own. Like before, it was as if the touch of his skin, his lips, his hands, was sinking right through my smooth, hard skin and into my new bones. To the very core of my body. I hadn’t imagined that I could love him more than I had.”
Bella wonders if her love for Edward, like Carlisle’s compassion and Esme’s devotion, has been intensified by the transformation. It’s a bit of an odd comparison, seeing as all evidence points to the fact that Carlisle is a selfish bastard and I have no idea what Esme could possibly be devoted to, seeing as she hasn’t had a speaking line for like, a book and a half. (+1 Stupidity)
They make out some more, before Bella decides it might be a good idea to not have sex in order to visit their child, and “ruefully” breaks contact.
“I could tell that he wasn’t exactly averse to procrastinating our return trip, and it was hard to think about much besides his skin on mine—there really wasn’t that much left of the dress. But my memory of Renesmee, before and after her birth, was becoming more and more dreamlike to me. More unlikely. All my memories of her were human memories; an aura of artificiality clung to them. Nothing seemed real that I hadn’t seen with these eyes, touched with these hands. Every minute, the reality of that little stranger slipped further away. “Renesmee,” I agreed, rueful, and I whipped back up onto my feet, pulling him with me.”
Huh, Bella, I wonder what other parenthood-related epiphanies you might have next. Maybe it’ll be, “babies shouldn’t be given baths in the washing machine,” or, “babies shouldn’t eat staples.” Maybe, you’ll even reach the realization, “babies shouldn’t date werewolves 17 years older than them.”
Sadly, I feel like this is probably too much to ask.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Cream Count: +1
Red Flag: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +26
Cream Count: +10
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +12 Jacob: +7