What this chapter should be called: New pain in the ass
Fucks I give: -3

I think it really says a lot about this chapter that the first page is spent on describing the beauty of dust.

Other than that, Bella is a shitty mother. Like, really terrible. She is so obsessed with her newfound beauty that it takes her five pages to even think about her daughter, who gets literally five sentences of mentioning. It’s like Renesmee is a new iPod rather than a baby. Bella would rather brush her hair and gaze into the mirror and make out with boys than worry about her daughter.

But back to that dust thing.

 

“I could distinguish the individual grains in the dark wood ceiling above. In front of it, I could see the dust motes in the air, the sides the light touched, and the dark sides, distinct and separate. They spun like little planets, moving around each other in a celestial dance. The dust was so beautiful that I inhaled in shock; the air whistled down my throat, swirling the motes into a vortex.”

 

Bella tries breathing, only to discover that she doesn’t really need to breathe, but it feel good so she does it anyway. She can hear rap music from the highway and smell the breath of everyone around her. Of course, it’s the most fantastic smell ever.

 

“I heard the sound of the others, breathing again now that I did. Their breath mixed with the scent that was something just off honey and lilac and sunshine, bringing new flavors. Cinnamon, hyacinth, pear, seawater, rising bread, pine, vanilla, leather, apple, moss, lavender, chocolate.… I traded a dozen different comparisons in my mind, but none of them fit exactly. So sweet and pleasant.”

 

If the rest of the book is narrated like this, I’m going to have to kill myself. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella realizes that someone is holding her hand, but it’s the wrong temperature to be a vampire. Duh, Bella, you’re ice-cold now too. She does this cool backflip thing off the table, crouching against the wall in 1/16 of a second, proving that reality and all its trappings have no place in Meyerland. (+1 Stupidity)

“Air hissed up my throat, spitting through my clenched teeth with a low, menacing sound like a swarm of bees. Before the sound was out, my muscles bunched and arched, twisting away from the unknown. I flipped off my back in a spin so fast it should have turned the room into an incomprehensible blur—but it did not. I saw every dust mote, every splinter in the wood-paneled walls, every loose thread in microscopic detail as my eyes whirled past them. So by the time I found myself crouched against the wall defensively—about a sixteenth of a second later—I already understood what had startled me, and that I had overreacted.”

 

Kill me. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward is leaning over the table, and Jasper and Emmett are guarding the door, just in case Bella flips out. Alice (GTFO) peeks out from behind Jasper and gives Bella a smile that makes my teeth hurt.

And then, Bella notices Edward. More specifically, how beaaauuuutifuuuul he is. Just read it.

 

“All this was a sideline. The greater part of my senses and my mind were still focused on Edward’s face. I had never seen it before this second. How many times had I stared at Edward and marveled over his beauty? How many hours—days, weeks—of my life had I spent dreaming about what I then deemed to be perfection? I thought I’d known his face better than my own. I’d thought this was the one sure physical thing in my whole world: the flawlessness of Edward’s face. I may as well have been blind. For the first time, with the dimming shadows and limiting weakness of humanity taken off my eyes, I saw his face. I gasped and then struggled with my vocabulary, unable to find the right words. I needed better words.”

 

Blah, blah, Edward is beautiful, blah blah, Edward is perfect, blah blah, so perfect that words don’t even describe it, blah blah I DON’T FUCKING CARE. (+3 Cream Count) Bella straightens out of her crouch in literally a second. She orgasms when he starts talking to her, because of course his voice is a gajillion times more pretty now that Bella’s a vamp. She thinks about her daughter for literally two sentences before switching back to the “everything is pretty” train of thought.

 

“Edward reached out tentatively and stroked his fingertips across my cheek. Smooth as satin, soft as a feather, and now exactly matched to the temperature of my skin. His touch seemed to sweep beneath the surface of my skin, right through the bones of my face. The feeling was tingly, electric—it jolted through my bones,  down my spine, and trembled in my stomach.”

 

Surprise, surprise, Bella still wants the D. She also wants some blood, too. She can still smell the delicious remnants of her mortal self staining the sofa downstairs.

A normal person might be wondering why Bella hasn’t turned into a raving monstrous lunatic starving for blood and willing to kill anyone and everyone in her path just to get a tiny drop of the red stuff. But you must remember that this is Bella, not a regular person. When Bella becomes a vampire, she doesn’t become a crazy demon, but instead becomes a classy beauty queen. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“I was a newborn vampire. The dry, scorching ache in my throat gave proof to that. And I knew what being a newborn entailed. Human emotions and longings would come back to me later in some form, but I’d accepted that I would not feel them in the beginning. Only thirst. That was the deal, the price. I’d agreed to pay it. But as Edward’s hand curled to the shape of my face like satin-covered steel, desire raced through my dried-out veins, singing from my scalp to my toes.”

 

If Bella got rabies, she wouldn’t foam at the mouth, but would instead exhale breath in the form of thousands of perfect pearls. If she got a flesh-eating toe fungus, it wouldn’t make her toes resemble zombie bits, but instead cocoon them in the finest silk. I bet Bella doesn’t even burp, instead her digestive system recites a sonata that sounds like a Led Zeppelin song combined with Mozart. Bella doesn’t have to deal with any real hardships or problems, because she is the most perfect woman in all the land.

I kind of hate Bella.

Bella throws her arms around Edward, pulling him into a hug that nearly pulverizes his sparkly little abdomen because newborn vamps are crazy strong. (And also crazy bloodthirsty, but I guess we’re just ignoring that for now.) (+1 Stupidity)

 

“I stared into his eyes and heard my own voice for the first time. “I love you,” I said, but it sounded like singing. My voice rang and shimmered like a bell. His answering smile dazzled me more than it ever had when I was human; I could really see it now.”

 

If Bella is this dazzled by dust and other people’s smiles, she is gonna shit bricks when she watched Toy Story 3 on Blu-Ray. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Anywhore, they start making out because they’re horny teenagers. Emmett (hi, Emmett!) eventually clears his throat loudly, because nobody really wants to see that shit. Since Bella isn’t much of an exhibitionist, she breaks the kiss and gets all embarrassed. she turns her attention to Carlisle, who asks how she’s coping with being a monster.

 

“How do you feel, Bella?” Carlisle asked. I considered that for a sixty-fourth of a second. “Overwhelmed. There’s so much. . . .” I trailed off, listening to the bell-tone of my voice again. “Yes, it can be quite confusing.” I nodded one fast, jerky bob. “But I feel like me. Sort of. I didn’t expect that.”

 

Ugh, all these unnecessary details. I really hope that the rest of the book is not gonna be like this. I get that sparklepires have super senses. But we really don’t care about the dust motes in the air, or the exact way the light refracts off Alice’s teeth. I also don’t give a shit about how fast Bella thinks she does things. Oh, you answered that question in 1/64 of a second? Kudos to you. I do not care. (+1 Stupidity)

We talk about Renesmee for two more sentences before Bella decides that she would rather just admire Edward. Carlisle prods her for details about the big change, but quits when he realizes she’s probably really thirsty.

 

“Until he’d mentioned it, the thirst actually wasn’t unmanageable. There was so much room in my head. A separate part of my brain was keeping tabs on the burn in my throat, almost like a reflex. The way my old brain had handled breathing and blinking. But Carlisle’s assumption brought the burn to the forefront of my mind.”

 

So all that crap in the last book was complete bullpoopy? Well, I am so glad I wasted six months on reading that! At least Bella is perfect. There’s something we can all be happy about. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward invites Bella to hunt with him, but she wants to play with her new iPod see her baby first. Edward nixes that idea, saying that the baby is half human and they don’t want to endanger it. Okay. She asks about Jacob and Charlie, and we learned what transpired while Bella was unconscious.

 

“Nothing is wrong,” Carlisle told me, emphasizing the last word in a strange way. “Nothing has changed much, actually—you were only unaware for just over two days. It was very fast, as these things go. Edward did an excellent job. Quite innovative—the venom injection straight to your heart was his idea.” He paused to smile proudly at his son and then sighed. “Jacob is still here, and Charlie still believes that you are sick. He thinks you’re in Atlanta right now, undergoing tests at the CDC. We gave him a bad number, and he’s frustrated. He’s been speaking to Esme.”

 

Okay, so Bella has been unconscious for about two days, and during that time Esme has been running interference with Charlie. First off, how has Charlie not figured this out? Even if they gave him a bad number, it would take all of two minutes for Charlie to Google search and scroll to the bottom of the page in order find the real one . So, yeah, that’s a shitty cover story. (+1 Stupidity) And how are they gonna explain the baby?

Charlie: Is Bella OK? Did the mystery disease kill her?
Esme: No. She’s fine. In fact, she had a baby.
Charlie: Huh?
Esme: One of the side effects of Brazil Herpes is that it makes you spontaneously pregnant.
Charlie: But how could the baby grow so fast? It’s only been, like, a month!
Esme: The disease, uh… works retroactively.
Charlie: Huh?
Esme: Once the disease entered her body, it, uh, traveled back through time because it moves at twice the speed of light, and, um it took Bella’s uterus with it.
Charlie: That makes sense. I will not inquire further regarding my only child’s health and well-being because I trust you, a woman whom I’ve only met once or twice.
Esme: Awesome.
Charlie: Sports.

Once again, the plot in this story is entirely dependent on everyone who is not the Cullens being idiots. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella agrees to go hunting with Edward, but stupid Alice wants to show Bella her reflection first. I hate Alice.

 

“…But Alice was already back, carrying the huge, gilt-framed mirror from Rosalie’s room, which was nearly twice as tall as she was, and several times as wide.”

 

I don’t want to see pretty, classy, vampire Bella. I want to see monster Bella. I want to see the Bella that tries to eat Mike Newton or kill the long-forgotten Eric. I want to see Bella struggle to come to terms with her vampirism. I want to see aspects of her character change and grow in relation to her new self. Instead I get Sophisticated Bella. I get Bella looking in a mirror and admiring her new face. I get a Princess Bella so perfect that she is dressed in the morning by singing bluebirds.

I really hate Meyer.

 

“I was only aware of this exchange with the lesser part of my concentration. The greater part was riveted on the person in the mirror. My first reaction was an unthinking pleasure. The alien creature in the glass was indisputably beautiful, every bit as beautiful as Alice or Esme. She was fluid even in stillness, and her flawless face was pale as the moon against the frame of her dark, heavy hair. Her limbs were smooth and strong, skin glistening subtly, luminous as a pearl.”

 

Gah. (+3 Cream Count)

Wait up a minute! Shouldn’t Bella still be carrying loads of extra pregnancy weight? Where did all that stuff go? Her appearance was frozen in time when she got vamped up, so by all logic, it should still be there. Oh, wait, I forgot. Bella is perfect. (+ 1 Stupidity)

Moving on. Her skin is perfect. Her hair is perfect. Her nose is perfect. Bella is so perfect that when she sneezes, butterflies made of silk and lace erupt from her mouth. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) The only thing wrong is her eye color, which is a fiery red. Bella is quite distressed by that, so Edward rips her eyes out of her skull, and shoves in newer, prettier ones. Kidding. (You know he thought about it, though.) Jasper is alarmed by Bella’s sudden mood swing, but Bella clams down super quick, so it’s all okay, right?

 

“Edward grinned. “Jasper wonders how you’re doing it.” “Doing what?” “Controlling your emotions, Bella,” Jasper answered. “I’ve never seen a newborn do that—stop an emotion in its tracks that way. You were upset, but when you saw our concern, you reined it in, regained power over yourself. I was prepared to help, but you didn’t need it.”

 

Of course, Bella can control herself with perfect ease. Why the hell not. Bella is perfect, never forget. (+1 Stupidity)

Everyone talks and glimmers and is generally just wonderful. Bella does get sad for a moment.

 

“I raised my hand experimentally, and the woman in the mirror copied the movement, touching her face, too. Her crimson eyes watched me warily. Edward sighed. I turned away from her to look at him, raising one eyebrow. “Disappointed?” I asked, my ringing voice impassive. He laughed. “Yes,” he admitted. I felt the shock break through the composed mask on my face, followed instantly by the hurt.”

 

Bella thinks that Edward is going to be disappointed with her new face, because that makes sense. (+1 Stupidity) But nooo, it’s just because he still can’t read her mind. Boo. The two lovebirds joke and laugh and go off to kill animals together.

No one has the balls to say that their daughter is downstairs, dating a 17 year old man.

Chapter Count:
Stupidity: +10
Thesaurus Rape: +4
Cream Count: +6

 

Book Count:
Stupidity: +155
Angst: +19
Bitch: +16
Thesaurus Rape: +25
Cream Count: +9
Eye Rape: +1
Redemption: +5
Red Flag: Edward: +11 Jacob: +7

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Comments
  1. empressdawn says:

    It gets worse. It gets much worse.

  2. ha5rika says:

    While watching Supernatural, I fell hopelessly in love with Sam and Dean Winchester. But, I realized that it wasn’t healthy to love a fictional character so much, so now I’m controlling my feelings.

    While reading Twilight, I started to hate Bella and all the other characters that worship her with all my heart and soul. But, I realized that it wasn’t healthy to hate a fictional character so much, so now I wish they are real people so that I can rip their pretty sparkly heads off myself (I am very good at using a machete). Human rights don’t apply to vampires, right?

    The thing I hate more than a Mary Sue is a sparkly Mary Sue.

    • Remy says:

      Don’t worry, it’s completely all right to love Sam and Dean but hate Twilight xD I do it on a daily basis 😛

    • sammygirl1967 says:

      It’s not healthy to be hopelessly in love with fictional characters? …Shit. I need to rethink my entire life.

      On another note: it’s totally okay to want Bella & Edward to be real so you can murder them. That’s absolutely normal.

  3. PC says:

    Right, two things:
    1. Why is it that all the vampires smell yummy and delicious and scrum-diddly-umptious when Bella describes their smells as like human food. Human food is supposed to smell mediocre to vampires. WHY WOULD SHE FIND IT YUMMY?

    2. Bella spends most of the first four and a half books whining about how she looks completely ordinary. As soon as she turns into a glitter-puff she immediately starts looking for flaws, despite the fact that she is supposed to be ‘flawless’. Also, out-of-sync lip fullness is not a flaw.

  4. Remy says:

    I’ve been reading this from the beginning for the past two weeks (and completely ignoring my exams *coughcough*) and oh. my. God. You are amazing. I’ve literally burst out laughing more than twenty billion times while reading this and I agree with everything you’ve got to say.

    And the saddest part about these books is that they would have been so much better if Edward and Bella had *lowers voice* personalities. And if the book had a plot.

    Speaking of, trust me, it gets much worse from here on out. Everyone just looooooooves Bella. Literally everyone. It’s disgusting.

    Looking forward to your next update 🙂

  5. sammygirl1967 says:

    The fact that Meyer actually tries to pass off Bella’s strange immunity to the whole “turning into a blood-starved, raving monster” thing as Bella having “super control” pissed me off so much. Like, really, I was looking forward to seeing Bella struggle with the concept of now wanting to viciously murder humans, but Bella’s just oh-so-fucking special that she gained the ability of super self-control when she turned and doesn’t have to deal with all that icky murder stuff. 😡

    I thought vampire powers were supposed to be an extension of who the person was in life. When did Bella exhibit wonderful self-restraint? She tries to jump Edward every single chance she gets. The girl has no self-control at all. Ugh.

    • ha5rika says:

      You know I actually pushed myself to read this bloody book till this point and then I grew so frustrated with Bella being a super-speshul-snowflake that I burnt the book (kidding. I wouldn’t spend a penny on a Twilight book. I just deleted the eBook).
      Breaking Dawn could have been much better if the plot involved Bella being blood hungry and struggling with not eating up her child, her father and Jacob.

    • Anyanka14 says:

      Bella’s super freakin boring, that’s the real thing that extended into her vamp-self.

  6. chocogatto says:

    She can smell everyone’s breath? Does that include human morning breath? How the hell did Edward manage to sit and watch her while she slept if he can smell that strongly?

  7. I seriously adore you right now! You nailed every thing wrong with the book so far!

    But I pity you as well.

    If you think that’s the worse, you are sadly mistaken. You poor poor dear.

  8. lucatri says:

    As amazing a review as ever, Kate. I’m sad to say that I’m coming to the end of your blog… Sigh. I must say, your blog is one of the most brilliant things I’ve ever read. Can’t count how many times I burst out laughing!

    Just wondering, are you planning to do the Bree Tanner book? Or are you going to review any other book series after Breaking Dawn? ^_^

    Oh, and, I spotted a typo in there. Sorry if anyone’s already pointed it out. ‘Jasper is alarmed by Bella’s sudden mood swing, but Bella clams down super quick, so it’s all okay, right?’

    Calms. :p

    I really, really, do not want to finish this blog. I mean, it’s wicked funny, but I don’t want that to end :c

    • Kate says:

      I don’t know what I’m doing after Breaking Dawn. I suppose it will mostly depend on what’s going on with my life at the time. I’ve flirted with the idea of the Twilight Challenge, but I’m not sure my writing skills are up to the task.

      (And thanks for pointing out the typo! I totally missed that!)

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