What this chapter should be called: Burning this book because it sucks
Fucks I give: -4
So, we are suddenly back in Bella’s head for reasons unknown.
All in all, this is a really pointless chapter. Remember the gory birth scene that we endured a couple weeks ago? Yeah, well, we get to do it again from Bella’s perspective. Don’t expect a whole lot out of me on this one, mkay? I’ve already done this once. I really don’t want to do it again, this time with Bella telling me how much pain she’s in. Which is essentially the point of this chapter.
I may have bitched about the way Meyer, wrote Jacob, but I’d rather have him than Bella. Good Lord, I’d forgotten how pretentious and overwritten she is.
“My body tried to reject the pain, and I was sucked again and again into a blackness that cut out whole seconds or maybe even minutes of the agony, making it that much harder to keep up with reality.”
What?? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Anyway, we’re back to the birth scene. Remember, that part where she was passed out and getting CPR, but not really passed out and vomiting blood and talking and still being alive when she shouldn’t be? I repeat, we are really going to do it over again from Bella’s perspective. Why? I really don’t know.
But, anyways, Bella is in pain and we get to suffer with her.
“The darkness had taken over, and then washed away to a wave of torture. I couldn’t breathe—I had drowned once before, and this was different; it was too hot in my throat. Pieces of me shattering, snapping, slicing apart. . . .”
(+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Bella is in pain and I do not care one tiny bit.
This is what you get, Bella Swan. This is what you get for being a greedy, self-centered jerk. This is what happens to people who let thousands die in Italy. This is what you get for ruining Jacob’s life with your patheticness. This is what you get for ignoring your human friends because you’d rather spend time with sparkly snotwads. This is what happens to selfish brats that have no regard for their family. This is what you get for lying to your father. This is what you get for crying and complaining about your perfect life. This is what you get for spending pages and pages describing freaking magnets! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!
Bella goes on trying to describe the pain, comparing it to fire and acid. I kind of don’t get it. I mean, if it hurts that badly, why is she taking the time to describe it using goofy long words? I mean, if I was burning from the inside out, I sure as hell wouldn’t be thinking things like this:
“I tried to feel my heart, to find it, but I was so lost inside my own body. I couldn’t feel the things I should, and nothing felt in the right place. I blinked and I found my eyes. I could see the light. Not what I was looking for, but better than nothing.”
(+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Had I been writing Bella, this would have been a lot shorter and written thusly:
“Agh! Fuck! Hot hot hot! OW! Fuck! I deserve this! Argh! Edward is so pretty! The end.”
We hear Edward say Renesmee’s crack-whore name and Bella somehow has enough energy to demand to hold her. Renesmee is just the most totes adorbs thing ever, with brown curls and pasty sparkly skin. Bella holds her for a second, and then baby decides that mommy’s boobie looks tasty and takes a chomp.
“Renesmee did not cry, but she breathed in quick, startled pants. Her eyes were open, her expression so shocked it was almost funny. The little, perfectly round head was covered in a thick layer of matted, bloody curls. Her irises were a familiar—but astonishing—chocolate brown. Under the blood, her skin looked pale, a creamy ivory. All besides her cheeks, which flamed with color. Her tiny face was so absolutely perfect that it stunned me. She was even more beautiful than her father. Unbelievable. Impossible.”
Ugh. I’m going to be drowning in cream for these next few chapters, I can tell. (+1 Cream Count)
On a side note, I really hope baby’s head is not perfectly round. Unless she’s somehow also a bobblehead doll?!? (+1 Stupidity)
Bella starts to fade away into the blackness once again. But if she dies, what will Edward do? And Jacob? who will they have left to worship? So she decides she has to keep fighting and live through the pain. Suddenly, everything gets hot as hell.
“I realized it wasn’t the darkness holding me down; it was my body. So heavy. Burying me in the flames that were chewing their way out from my heart now, spreading with impossible pain through my shoulders and stomach, scalding their way up my throat, licking at my face.”
Bella can’t scream because of the morphine, so she settles for bitching and moaning internally for a couple pages. Gack. (+1 Angst) Bitch, bitch, bitch…wah…wah…wah… This is what I wanted, but it hurts so badly I wish I would die — fuckin’ wah.
While Belly is busy whining about fire becoming a vampire for thirteen pages, the other Cullens occasionally come in to check on her. Someone says something about a heartbeat and the effects of morphine. Also, Jacob’s relationship with Renesmee is discussed. None of the Cullens are really clear on which side Bella will take.
“An interesting situation,” Carlisle responded. “And I’d thought I’d seen just about everything.” “I’ll deal with it later. We’ll deal with it.” Something pressed softly to my blistering palm. “I’m sure, between the five of us, we can keep it from turning into bloodshed.” Edward sighed. “I don’t know which side to take. I’d love to flog them both. Well, later.” “I wonder what Bella will think—whose side she’ll take,” Carlisle mused.”
So, I guess there’s a chance that the Cullens could possibly step in and say, “Whoa, we may be letting thousands of innocent people die in Italy, but baby-dating ain’t cool, yo!” but I really doubt it. This is Meyerland love we’re talking about. More likely everyone will think the love between Jacob and baby is awesome and pure and wonderful and everyone will dance amongst the stars on clouds made of romance and sprinkles. (+1 Stupidity)
And what’s even worse is that I bet Bella is gonna be a-okay with this. She’s probably going to be thrilled that her daughter, who is not even out of diapers, has a man to define her self-worth by. Bella is going to be a terrific mom, I bet.
Renesmee: Hey, mom, I think I broke my leg.
Bella: Don’t cry about it, sweetheart. That makes Jacob sad and sad boyfriends dump you.
Renesmee: But the bone is sticking out and there’s a lot of blood.
Bella: Never make your boyfriend sad, okay? You have to remain silent and never show your true feelings.
Renesmee: My kindergarten teacher thinks it’s really weird that I have a boyfriend and the cops asked me a lot of questions about Jacob.
Bella: It’s true love, darling. No one can ever question that, whether it’s between a five year-old and a legal adult or a werewolf and a rusty tuna can. Wanna hear about the time me and your dad let a load of tourists die because we were super lazy?
Alice stops in to check on Bella, too.
“It won’t be long now,” Alice told him. “See how clear she’s becoming? I can see her so much better.” She sighed. “Still feeling a little bitter?”
Guess what? Bella is going to survive, and she’s gonna be super pretty! Well, Alice did Bella decide to survive? Did she decide to be pretty? No? THEN HOW ARE YOU SEEING THESE THINGS, ALICE????? (+1 Stupidity)
“Yes, thanks so much for bringing it up,” she grumbled. “You would be mortified, too, if you realized that you were handcuffed by your own nature. I see vampires best, because I am one; I see humans okay, because I was one. But I can’t see these odd half-breeds at all because they’re nothing I’ve experienced. Bah!” “Focus, Alice.” “Right. Bella’s almost too easy to see now.”
Well, then! That explains SO MUCH. I can only assume, Alice, that since you can predict the weather, at some point you must have been a thunderstorm?!? And if a wild grizzly bear were to decide to rampage through your home, you would be able to predict the bear’s arrival, since I’m NEARLY POSITIVE that at some point or another, you’ve been a grizzly bear?!?
SO. MANY. PLOTHOLES. (+3 Stupidity)
(On a side note, does anyone know where I can pick up a manual on how to train a grizzly bear?)
Slowly, Bella becomes aware that parts of her body are not in pain anymore. She can hear the Cullens talking downstairs. Someone is watching baseball. Emmett is briefly mentioned. (Hey, Emmett! Wanna help me train a grizzly bear?) Bella counts seconds as more pain leaves her body. Suddenly, the pain escalates in her chest, and then dies just as quickly as her heart stops.
“My heart stuttered twice, and then thudded quietly again just once more. There was no sound. No breathing. Not even mine. For a moment, the absence of pain was all I could comprehend. And then I opened my eyes and gazed above me in wonder.”
So, um, I guess Bella is a vampire now?
I would really like the last hour of my life back , please.
Thesaurus Rape: +3
Cream Count: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +21
Cream Count: +3
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +11 Jacob: +7