What I would call this chapter: FETUS EXPLOSION LIFTOFF
Fucks I give: ALL FUCKS GIVEN
For this chapter, I’m going to be giving out Gore points. It’s that bad. Also, I’m going to be going on hiatus for 2-3 weeks. Next week is finals for me, I’m about to start a new job, and I need some time to adjust to the idea of having to go back to Bella’s thoughts again. Hang in there.
Of three things I am certain:
1. Bert and Ernie are gay.
2. Math will never not suck.
3. This book has crossed into a new level of batshit insane that I can’t keep up with.
Bella is flapping around wildly, flailing and making cracking sounds while everyone else is stunned. I’m assuming that the cracking sounds mean the baby is trying to kick its way out of the uterus. Why it isn’t using its teeth like everyone has been saying it would is anyone’s guess. (+1 Stupidity)
“Rosalie whipped Bella’s body into her arms, and, shouting so fast it was hard to separate the individual words, she and Edward shot up the staircase to the second floor. I sprinted after them. “Morphine!” Edward yelled at Rosalie. “Alice—get Carlisle on the phone!” Rosalie screeched.”
Yeah, Carlisle isn’t there because apparently he’s the world’s worst doctor, and this book needs some more tension. (+1 Stupidity) Bella flails more in Rosalie’s arms, as Meyer decides to substitute the word “red” in place of blood a few times, which I really don’t like. You decided that this was gonna be gross, Meyer. May as well describe the gallons of gushing blood rather than make it sound like Bella is just covered in some pretty streamers. Either way, Meyer’s use of the word “red” has totally given the song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” a very different meaning. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
“The room I followed them to looked like an emergency ward set up in the middle of a library. The lights were brilliant and white. Bella was on a table under the glare, skin ghostly in the spotlight. Her body flopped, a fish on the sand. Rosalie pinned Bella down, yanking and ripping her clothes out of the way, while Edward stabbed a syringe into her arm.”
It’s decided that the placenta must have come detached, so the baby can’t breathe, which means an emergency C-Section is required. I’m no medical expert, but this just sounds…unnatural. Bella briefly comes around to scream at them to get the baby out. A few blood vessels pop in her eyes and she passes back out.
“Deep red was seeping beneath the skin over the huge, shuddering bulge of her stomach. Rosalie’s hand came up with a scalpel. “Let the morphine spread!” Edward shouted at her. “There’s no time,” Rosalie hissed. “He’s dying!” Her hand came down on Bella’s stomach, and vivid red spouted out from where she pierced the skin. It was like a bucket being turned over, a faucet twisted to full. Bella jerked, but didn’t scream. She was still choking.”
Rosalie starts butchering while more blood gushes out of Bella. It spews out of her gaping belly hole and her mouth, because no one has bothered to clear her airways. Combine the choking with massive blood loss and internal trauma, and I’m pretty sure the bitch should be dead by now. But whatever. (+1 Stupidity) Amidst the confusion, Alice inserts a Bluetooth into Rosalie’s ear. I’m assuming this is so history’s worst medical professional can guide Rose? It’s never really made clear.
Rosalie then starts to lose it at all the fresh blood. Jacob leaps across the table and slams her into the wall so that Alice can drag her out of the room. It’s kind of awesome.
“Alice, get her out of here!” Edward shouted. “Take her to Jasper and keep her there! Jacob, I need you!” I didn’t watch Alice finish the job. I wheeled back to the operating table, where Bella was turning blue, her eyes wide and staring. “CPR?” Edward growled at me, fast and demanding. “Yes!”
So now, it’s just Edward, Jake, and a very bloody Bella, who may or may not be breathing. Just as Jake is about to blow a mouthful of air into her, there’s another crack.
“Another shattering crack inside her body, the loudest yet, so loud that we both froze in shock waiting for her answering shriek. Nothing. Her legs, which had been curled up in agony, now went limp, sprawling out in an unnatural way. “Her spine,” he choked in horror.
Now THAT’S what I call an epidural. (+1 Gore)
Jacob yells at Edward to just hurry up and get the thing out now that Bella can’t feel anything. He blows mouthfuls of air into Bella’s lungs, noting that her lips taste like blood. Well, no shit, Sherlock. How many gallons of the stuff has she drunk/vomited? (+1 Stupidity) He also notes that her heart is still thumping. Good sign?
“I heard the soft, wet sound of the scalpel across her stomach. More blood dripping to the floor. The next sound jolted through me, unexpected, terrifying. Like metal being shredded apart. The sound brought back the fight in the clearing so many months ago, the tearing sound of the newborns being ripped apart. I glanced over to see Edward’s face pressed against the bulge. Vampire teeth—a surefire way to cut through vampire skin.”
Then comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Edward uses his (nonexistent) vampy fangs to chew through Bella’s baby bump. … Let’s state that again: Eddie uses his TEETH to perform a C-section on Bella. WTF. He just bends over and kind of chews the baby out of Bella like gum out of a Blow Pop. (+3 Gore)
It’s gross, kind of cool and very intense. How Meyer was able to write gore of this degree and not a vanilla sex scene, I have no idea. I must give her props for not turning this scene into a hazy flashback from Bella’s point of view, as I would have expected and even come to accept from Meyer. One for you, Stephy. You go, Stephy. (+1 Redemption) Also, how they adapted this into a PG-13 movie is beyond me. Someone, go ahead and spoil me on this one, please? I’m dying to know. Perhaps instead of the blood and guts, Edward and Bella will just adopt a baby, played by Amy Poehler. Wacky hijinks ensue. There’s a movie I would watch.
Jacob administers more CPR, which doesn’t seem to be doing a whole lot. Her heart is barely beating because of the massive, gaping wound in her gut, or maybe because girls in romance novels often have faulty hearts. Suddenly, Bella goes still, meaning that the baby must be out or that she’s dead. Guess which one.
“Edward whispered, “Renesmee.” So Bella’d been wrong. It wasn’t the boy she’d imagined. No big surprise there. What hadn’t she been wrong about? I didn’t look away from her red-spotted eyes, but I felt her hands lift weakly. “Let me…,” she croaked in a broken whisper. “Give her to me.” I guess I should have known that he would always give her what she wanted, no matter how stupid her request might be. But I didn’t dream he would listen to her now. So I didn’t think to stop him.”
Surprise! It’s a girl. Edward hands Renesmee over to Bella, and the baby promptly bites her on the tit. WTF? I don’t even know anymore.
And then Bella’s heart stops.
“With a last dull ga-lump, her heart faltered and went silent. She missed maybe half of one beat, and then my hands were on her chest, doing compressions. I counted in my head, trying to keep the rhythm steady. One. Two. Three. Four. Breaking away for a second, I blew another lungful of air into her. I couldn’t see anymore. My eyes were wet and blurry. But I was hyperaware of the sounds in the room. The unwilling glug-glug of her heart under my demanding hands, the pounding of my own heart, and another—a fluttering beat that was too fast, too light. I couldn’t place it.”
Rosalie appears in the doorway, calm and collected, and the baby is handed over to her. Edward rushes back to the table and bats Jacob out of the way, holding up a big-ass syringe.
“There was a tiny crunch as his blow broke my little finger. In the same second, he shoved the needle straight into her heart. “My venom,” he answered as he pushed the plunger down. I heard the jolt in her heart, like he’d shocked her with paddles. “Keep it moving,” he ordered.”
Wait a gosh-darn pea pickin’ minute – you’re telling me that this shit can be done WITH A NEEDLE? Christ on a farty donkey, why didn’t we do this a year ago?!? It’s not because Bella loves Edward and humans have chromosomes, is it?!? (+1 Stupidity) Anyway, the needle is plunged into Bella’s heart, and while Jacob CPRs away, Edward goes around and gnaws on Bella a bit. Not joking.
“It was like he was kissing her, brushing his lips at her throat, at her wrists, into the crease at the inside of her arm. But I could hear the lush tearing of her skin as his teeth bit through, again and again, forcing venom into her system at as many points as possible. I saw his pale tongue sweep along the bleeding gashes, but before this could make me either sick or angry, I realized what he was doing. Where his tongue washed the venom over her skin, it sealed shut. Holding the poison and the blood inside her body.”
You read that right. Vampire spit can instantly heal gashes. I wonder what else that stuff is capable of. At the most, it’s a cure for diabetes, and at the very least it can probably get rid of head lice. (Also kinda makes you wonder what their pee can do, huh?) One might wonder why super doctor Carlisle has never investigated the magic healing properties of vampire venom. Then, one might read this chapter and realize that Carlisle is an incompetent ninny-muggins who shouldn’t be trusted with a garden hose, much less a valuable medical study.
But whatever. Jacob angst-athon, coming right up!
“Turning away, leaving him with his dead, I walked slowly to the door. So slowly. I couldn’t make my feet move faster. This was it, then. The ocean of pain. The other shore so far away across the boiling water that I couldn’t imagine it, much less see it.I felt empty again, now that I’d lost my purpose.”
Blah blah blah. Angst angst angst. I can tell that Meyer is really desperate to start writing as Bella again, so there can be more “oceans of pain” and whatnot. (+1 Angst) Jacob walks down the stairs, thinking sad thoughts. He sees Rosalie sitting on the couch and cooing at the baby, and suddenly decides that he’s going to murder the thing and take as many Cullens as he can down with it.
“I wanted to somehow pour bleach inside my head and let it fry my brain. To burn away the images left from Bella’s final minutes. I’d take the brain damage if I could get rid of that—the screaming, the bleeding, the unbearable crunching and snapping as the newborn monster tore through her from the inside out. . .”
And then the baby looks at him and he falls in love.
“I could see that now—how the universe swirled around this one point. I’d never seen the symmetry of the universe before, but now it was plain.The gravity of the earth no longer tied me to the place where I stood.It was the baby girl in the blond vampire’s arms that held me here now. Renesmee.”
Let me go ahead and reiterate that for you.
Jacob is in love with a newborn baby.
This chapter is perverted freak fanfiction. I don’t even want to call it a book anymore, okay? This is not lovely. This is not romantic. This is not even sickly amusing. Only on opposite day could I say with a clear conscience that Chapter 18 wasn’t the very worst thing I had ever read, and even then I would scream, “Opposite Day!” so loud glass would shatter.
I know I give Quil a hard time for wanting to bang a toddler, but at least he had the decency to fall in love with someone who could support their own neck and eat solid foods. But still, a baby. Jacob “Pedowolf” Black is in love with a frakkin’ baby.
To those of you who say that Jacob and baby’s love will be nothing but brother-sisterly until baby is of age, I go “PFFFFFFFFT” so violently that it was felt as a mild breeze three towns away. So Jacob is going to be a brother figure for baby until she’s of age? What age? Is there a switch on baby’s tummy that can be flipped from “Cute Kid” to “Sexy Lady”? When will Jacob know it’s a-okay to do the mattress mambo with baby? Is imprinting bound by the laws of the government?!? On her 18th birthday, will Jacob look at her and suddenly realize: You know what? This child that I cared for is actually very sexy. Maybe I should do her? Leah said it herself: werewolves probably imprint to pass on the genetic line, and that means fucking. (+3 Disgusting Stupidity)
If you don’t see the problem here, let me put it this way: you go and buy a baby cheese with the intent of aging it 18 years into a delicious ripe aged cheese. Are you telling me that in those 18 years, you are not at all thinking about consuming that cheese?
(And barring the obvious squick factor, it’s implied heavily that Jacob is attached to Bella because he’s meant to imprint on her kid. Doesn’t Meyer know it’s the male parent that determines the child’s sex? (+1 Stupidity) So, by all logic, Jacob should have been way more attached to Edward than he was to Bella. I smell a fanfic in the makings.)
Whatever. I’m sure that I’ll have the opportunity to rag on this more in later chapters. Let’s move forward until then. Bella is dead! Yay!
Though I’m sure her death will be short-lived. Or short-deathed, as it were.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +19
Cream Count: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +11 Jacob: +7