What Bella would call this chapter: Murmuring Glowers Of Crimson agony
Fucks I give: I’d rather be on Netflix
So, Jacob is running away. Again. Except this time, he’s not wolfing out and tearing off into the forest. He’s driving Edward’s car down the highway. This guy is an expert at running away from shit.
“I didn’t pause to think about it, or if this would change that second part of my plan. I just threw myself into the silky leather seat and cranked the engine while my knees were still crunched up under the steering wheel. The sound of the motor’s purr might have made me moan another day, but right now it was all I could do to concentrate enough to put it in drive.”
It’s not explained why Jacob is driving instead of wolfing out. I imagine it has something to do with extra chromosomes and Leah’s lack of a menstrual cycle. Jake is really upset that Edward is suddenly thrilled about being a daddy. Mostly because this leaves Jacob all on his own in the fight to save Bella’s life from the demonspawn. And he’s going to save her by driving 50 miles to the next town to look at other girls. (+1 Stupidity)
“I turned south, because I had no patience today for ferries or traffic or anything else that meant I might have to lift my foot off the pedal.”
Jacob doesn’t care where he goes, as long as it’s away from Bella, who as it seems, not only took his brain and his heart, but also his testicles. Little bastards are probably strung up from the rearview mirror of a missile-proof car like fuzzy dice. (+1 Angst) Jacob decides that to solve his problems, he’s just going to find his imprint buddy. That will make all the pain go away, right? Jacob trolls around, cruising by malls and clubs and brothels and high school marching bands. Not really. It’s only boring shit like malls and parks.
“So how do you look for a random soul mate in a crowd? Well, first, I needed a crowd. So I tooled around, looking for a likely spot. I passed a couple of malls,which probably would’ve been pretty good places to find girls my age, but I couldn’t make myself stop. Did I want to imprint on some girl who hung out in a mall all day?”
Picky, picky, Jake. Maybe you would rather find a bride by hanging out in Megan Fox’s shoe closet, or at a girl’s beach volleyball tournament? (+1 Stupidity)
“I kept going north, and it got more and more crowded. Eventually, I found a big park full of kids and families and skateboards and bikes and kites and picnics and the whole bit.”
So Jake’s either a MILF hunter or a child molester. Awesome. (+1 Red Flag) Jacob looks around at all the girls, and forces himself to pick out some nice qualities about each one. This one’s eyes are nice, that one’s hair is shiny, etc. Most of the girls don’t look back at him. The ones who do are vaguely creeped out. But Jake presses on, hoping to get some magic imprint spark. Nothing happens. The girls he stares at just look kind of scared and probably dig in their purses for their mace. You know, I’m no relationship expert, but I don’t think women appreciate being creeped on by a weird, (most likely) shoeless man. You know what else chicks don’t like? Spiders and the word “moist,” especially when used together.
Jacob is really doing this all wrong. If there’s anything Quil taught us, it’s that true love has no bounds, no matter how illegal and/or disgusting. Jake needs to go hang out at a nursing home or a preschool. Maybe he should consider falling in love with a mysterious chimpanzee or a sexy apple. Imprinting has no rules.
Jacob wanders back to the car, where, suddenly, this ginger chick pops up out of nowhere.
“Hey, you okay? Hello? You there, with the stolen car.” It took me a second to realize that the voice was talking to me, and then another second to decide to raise my head. A familiar-looking girl was staring at me, her expression kind of anxious. I knew why I recognized her face—I’d already catalogued this one. Light red-gold hair, fair skin, a few gold-colored freckles sprinkled across her cheeks and nose, and eyes the color of cinnamon.”
Oh, yeah, sure, Meyer. Stereotype the Native American kid a little more. (+1 Stupidity) Jacob gets all whiney and emo again, not even bothering to shake the girl’s hand. (+1 Angst) The girl’s name is Lizzie, and she came over because Jake looked about three seconds away from full reactor meltdown. The girl seems to know a lot about cars and generally seems to be a nice person, but Jake is dismissive and broody. (+1 Angst) Jake realizes that Bella is nearing the home stretch, and he’s wasting her last moments on looking at girls in a park. He says goodbye to Lizzie and heads back to casa Cullen, and thinks about possibly being companions with Leah.
“It would be interesting, at the very least, and strange, too, to have Leah as a companion—as a friend. We were going to get under each other’s skin a lot, that was for sure. She wouldn’t be one to let me wallow, but I thought that was a good thing. I’d probably need someone to kick my butt now and then. But when it came right down to it, she was really the only friend who had any chance of understanding what I was going through now.”
While driving back, Jacob spots
shirtless Jared Padalecki werewolf Sam on the side of the road, and nods at his old ally. When he finally gets back to the house, he finds Edward on the porch waiting for him.
“If you can’t or won’t control Leah, then I—”“Leah?” I interrupted, speaking through my teeth. “What happened?” Edward’s face was hard. “She came up to see why you’d left so abruptly. I tried to explain. I suppose it might not have come out right.”
In what was probably a quite beautiful scene that I’m terribly sad happened off-screen, Leah stormed into the house to rip Bella a new one about the way she’s been treating Jacob. Holy shit. Go, Leah!
“Edward got all hissy then. “I won’t let Bella be upset like that again. I don’t care how justified Leah thinks she is! I didn’t hurt her—of course I wouldn’t—but I’ll throw her out of the house if it happens again. I’ll launch her right across the river—”
Okay, so Leah is a total bitch, according to Meyer. Why is Leah a bitch? Because she dared to call Bella out on the fact that she’s a manipulative dirty whore. Everyone is mega upset that Bella is upset. and, let’s face it, Eddie is totally right. Why should Bella have to face the consequences of her actions? Bella should never feel sad about anything, and those who make her feel sad deserve to be punished. Why on Earth should she feel bad about twisting and contorting Jacob’s emotions and using him like a ratty security blanket? She should never have to deal with reality or the feelings of others, right? (+3 Bitch)
Gack. This is a whole new level of Sue-worship that it even makes me a little uncomfortable. (+1 Stupidity)
Moving on. The thing in Bella’s gut is just the smartest little demon in the world; it stopped doing things to hurt Bella because it knew it was hurting her. Edward is happy because he can read its thoughts. He’s also gotten his PhD in obstetrics while we weren’t looking, because he thinks the baby is ready to be born now. Jacob is shocked by this news.
Oh, and also, Carlisle is gone. What? Yeah, he’s off running around, trying to secure a new source of blood for Bella, neglecting the fact that she’s LITERALLY ready to pop. Ugh. Carlizzle is the worst doctor ever. (+1 Stupidity) Edward this is a great time to ask for a couple more favors from Jake.
“I know how much you have given,” he said quietly. “But this is something you do have, and only you. I’m asking this of the true Alpha, Jacob. I’m asking this of Ephraim’s heir.” I was way past being able to respond. “I want your permission to deviate from what we agreed to in our treaty with Ephraim. I want you to grant us an exception. I want your permission to save her life. You know I’ll do it anyway, but I don’t want to break faith with you if there is any way to avoid it.”
I thought we already settled this with Sam like, 100 pages ago? Besides, if Jacob is the true Alpha, couldn’t he have just done this a long time ago, and all this drama wouldn’t exist? Once again, the “tension” in this book is entirely self-created and wouldn’t exist if these characters had the slightest shreds of common sense. (+1 Stupidity)
Jacob heads inside to see Bella. She nearly bursts into tears when she sees him, because Leah was so bold as to point out the truth. (+1 Bitch) Jacob automatically feels horrible that Bella faced some kind of retribution for her actions and resolves to punch Leah in the mouth. Great. (+1 Angst)
And then shit happens. Rose helps Bella up to go to the bathroom, but Bella’s blood smoothie falls over in the process. She reaches for it. There’s a muffled ripping sound from the center of her body.
“A half second later, Bella screamed. It was not just a scream, it was a blood-curdling shriek of agony. The horrifying sound cut off with a gurgle, and her eyes rolled back into her head. Her body twitched, arched in Rosalie’s arms, and then Bella vomited a fountain of blood.”
But let’s back up a minute. This was human blood that was just spilled on the couch. Smelly, red, nutrient-rich human blood. When this cup filled with human blood spills, why isn’t Jasper going bonkers and turning into a Gollum-like character as he dives face first into his “precious” patch of bloody sofa cushion? And, forgive me for being squicky, but why don’t the vampires drink up Bella’s nutrient-rich barf? (+1 Stupidity)
Right. Sorry. Because vampires have 25 chromosomes, the demonspawn only has 24, and Alice’s powers suck. Also, the Force.
Red Flag: Jacob: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +18
Cream Count: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +11 Jacob: +7