What Bella would call this chapter: I’m naming my child something ridiculous
Fucks I give: So go away and let me be
Guess what? More patrol running! For what has to be the gajillionth time, Jake, Seth, and Leah decide to run a patrol. Why? we already know that Sam is not going to attack. Is there an actual reason for these endless patrols? Common sense says no. (+1 Stupidity)
“Let’s make the deep run, I told Leah. Seth, take the perimeter. Gotcha. Seth broke into an easy jog. Off on another vampire errand, Leah grumbled. You got a problem with that? Of course not. I just love to coddle those darling leeches. Good. Let’s see how fast we can run. Okay, I’m definitely up for that!”
Jake wants to take his pack out to make sure it’s safe for the Cullens to go hunting. What? I thought the Cullens were badass vampires who could take care of themselves. But, apparently, they’re really just a bunch of crybabies who need some shirtless teenage werewolves to hold their hands and say there’s nothing in the closet.
Seth splits off from Jake and Leah, as we discover the purpose of this endless patrol. It’s so that Jacob and Leah can have a nice little heart-to-heart, that even borders on flirting.
“We’re getting pretty far out here, she commented. Yeah. If Sam was hunting strays, we should have crossed his trail by now. Makes more sense right now for him to bunker down in La Push, Leah thought. He knows we’re giving the bloodsuckers three extra sets of eyes and legs. He’s not going to be able to surprise them. This was just a precaution, really. Wouldn’t want our precious parasites taking unnecessary chances. Nope, I agreed, ignoring the sarcasm. You’ve changed so much, Jacob. Talk about one-eighties. You’re not exactly the same Leah I’ve always known and loved, either.”
Oh, Leah. Leah, Leah, Leah. If you really want Jacob to fall for you, you’re going to have to do much better than that. Start making unreasonable demands, while at the same time complaining about your terrible perfect life. Smell like freesia and start making lasagna. Be weak and uninteresting. Read Wuthering Heights a lot. Have a romantic relationship with a controlling father figure who doesn’t care about the Italian tourism industry.
Eventually, the conversation segues into what’s going to happen after demonspawn busts out of Bella’s tummy. Jacob is going to go full wolf, obviously, and Seth will probably go back to La Push. But Leah doesn’t want to go back. The thought of being around Sam again depresses her. Instead, she wants to go with Jacob. What? She brings this point up by first thanking Jake for not being a dick and letting her stay. She tells him he’s a good leader, and that she wants to follow him even after this mess is over.
“I want to stay with you, she told me. The shock shot through my legs, locking my joints. She blew past me and then put on the brakes. Slowly, she walked back to where I was frozen in place. I won’t be a pain, I swear. I won’t follow you around. You can go wherever you want, and I’ll go where I want. You’ll only have to put up with me when we’re both wolves. She paced back and forth in front of me, swishing her long gray tail nervously. And, as I’m planning on quitting as soon as I can manage it… maybe that won’t be so often.”
Ugh, that was a terribly melodramatic reaction on Jacob’s part. At least he didn’t drop a pack of frozen food. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Jacob is naturally hesitant about this because he plans on staying a wolf five-ever, so he asks for some time to think it over. After all, Leah will be sharing his thoughts, and his thoughts are going to be extremely dramatic and emotional after Bella dies. (+1 Angst) Of course, I have no doubt that she won’t actually die. By the end of this book, she’ll probably not only have the most gorgeous baby ever, but will also discover her house was built on a diamond mine, win the lottery twice, discover she’s a fairy/angel/rainbow/wizard, but also have bought Aladdin’s lamp at a garage scale and become a champion Olympic figure skater.
I’m so freaking bored right now that I’m just gonna power through this chapter, okay? Leah says she wants to help Jacob deal with his pain, and the two chomp on some deer. (Deer: it’s what’s for dinner.) There’s lots of talk about pain and feelings, because Meyer doesn’t know how to write anything else. (+1 Angst) Somehow, Rosalie gets dragged back into the conversation.
“You know what’s crazy? she asked. Well, almost everything is crazy right now. But what do you mean? That blond vampire you hate so much—I totally get her perspective.”
Leah elaborates, saying that both Rosalie and herself are genetic dead ends. After all, Leah’s “female stuff” quit working when she became a werewolf, because the werewolves are essentially frozen biologically when they start turning. You know what’s crazy? I wasn’t using those quotes sarcastically. the words “female stuff” were actually used. Apparently sex isn’t the only thing Meyer won’t write. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
But you know what’s even more crazy? I just read something about mythical creature anatomy that actually made sense. (+1 Redemption) God, that has to be a first.
“I remembered Leah’s panic that first month after she joined the pack—and I remembered cringing away from it just like everyone else. Because she couldn’t be pregnant—not unless there was some really freaky religious immaculate crap going on. She hadn’t been with anyone since Sam. And then, when the weeks dragged on and nothing turned into more nothing, she’d realized that her body wasn’t following the normal patterns anymore. The horror—what was she now?”
Leah can’t have any pups, boo hoo. She reminds Jacob of why Sam thinks werewolves imprint. (Fun fact, I’ve watched so much Supernatural in the past week that every time Sam is mentioned, my thoughts immediately flash to a shirtless Jared Padalecki. While distracting, it’s definitely made this book a better read.) Sam thinks wolves imprint in order to pass on the genetic line, and the imprintee is the person best fit for popping out wolf babies. But since Leah’s “patterns” (once again, not kidding, actually in the book) have stopped, no one has imprinted on her, and that makes her useless. Typical Meyer logic. Women aren’t good for much other than popping out chilluns. (+1 Stupidity)
They chat about why Jacob doesn’t want to imprint, and then the conversation abruptly ends. Thank God. I’m a girl, but that conversation made me really fuckin’ uncomfortable. I just don’t think that this whole, in-depth discussion about periods was really necessary. I feel like I need to go play some football, light something on fire, fix a truck and grow two beards just to feel normal again.
But, even though this conversation was stilted and awkward, I’m glad Meyer took the five minutes to try to give Leah some character development. If only she took the same approach with the rest of her characters. Sigh. (+1 Redemption)
Human Jacob gets back to the Cullen house and pokes his head in.
“Alice opened the door for me before I could walk in. She nodded. “Hey, wolf.” “Hey, shortie. What’s going on upstairs?” The big room was empty—all the murmurs were on the second floor. She shrugged her pointy little shoulders. “Maybe another break.” She tried to say the words casually, but I could see the flames in the very back of her eyes. Edward and I weren’t the only ones who were burning over this. Alice loved Bella, too. “Another rib?” I asked hoarsely. “No. Pelvis this time.”
Everyone piles back downstairs with an extra-pale Bella. Jacob gives the all-clear for hunting, and four of them, including Carlizzle, flit off to go slaughter deer. Uh, what? Carlisle is just going to leave a very ill and pregnant Bella on her own? WTF, dude? (+1 Stupidity) Anyway, Jacob needs sleep, so he decides to stink up the Cullen house, and lays down. Plus, Bella wants him to stay, and what Bella wants, Bella gets. Pfft. He makes some more dumb blonde jokes at Rosalie and starts to drift off.
And then, something magical happens.
“Edward, very lightly, put both of his hands against her huge, round stomach. “The f—” He swallowed. “It… the baby likes the sound of your voice.” There was one short beat of total silence. I could not move a muscle, even to blink. Then— “Holy crow, you can hear him!” Bella shouted. In the next second, she winced. Edward’s hand moved to the top peak of her belly and gently rubbed the spot where it must have kicked her. “Shh,” he murmured. “You startled it… him.” Her eyes got all wide and full of wonder. She patted the side of her stomach. “Sorry, baby.” Edward was listening hard, his head tilted toward the bulge.”
Yes, Edward can listen in on the baby’s thoughts, because Bella is apparently giving birth to a brainiac who can form complete thoughts and ideas while still in the womb, because vampires have two extra chromosomes. (+1 Stupidity) He tells Bella to talk, because the baby loves the sound of her voice. Bella is super excited about all this.
“Of course you’re happy, pretty baby, of course you are,” she crooned, rubbing her stomach while the tears washed her cheeks. “How could you not be, all safe and warm and loved? I love you so much, little EJ, of course you’re happy.”
Bella has decided to name the baby EJ (Edward Jacob, I assume) if it’s a boy, and Renesmee, a combo of Renee and Esme, if it’s a girl. That’s beautiful. Truly, the name “Renesmee” just rolls right off the tip of your tongue, provided that you have four tongues and have never heard the English language before. Did Meyer even try here? Or did she just start combining random shit? I know that this baby is gonna be the Sue to end all Sues, okay? Of that, I have zero doubt. So why did Meyer decide on a name that sounds like it belongs to a ghetto girl shooting up heroin in an inner-city bathroom? Ugh. I guess I should just be glad that the name wasn’t Jessicangela. Or Bellalice, or Rosaesmelaureneric. (+1 Stupidity)
Moving on. Edward’s face is all lit up with joy as he reads Connormikebilly’s thoughts. The thing loves Bella, which means it’s good, so Edward loves it too. Bella and Rosalie lord over the fact that Edward ever doubted that this baby was gonna be the most precious thing around. Jake stands around feeling triple-sad. Everyone is now in love with the thing, so killing the thing once it’s born is probably not gonna happen.
“Go, Jacob. Get away from here.” He didn’t say it harshly—he threw the words at me like they were a life preserver. He was helping me find the escape I was dying for. The object in my hand was a set of car keys.”
According to Jake, these words were not meant to be mean. Edward knew that Jake was having a tough time handling this, so he wanted to get Jacob out of the house. But why give him the car keys? Why wouldn’t Jacob just run away? This like telling Batman, “Batman, you need to leave right away. Here, take my skateboard!”
I wonder what ridiculously expensive car Jacob will zoom off in. And how angsty will he be?
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Thesaurus Rape: +18
Cream Count: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +11 Jacob: +6