What Bella would call this chapter: Tortured Misery
Fucks I give: I do not give them anywhere
Let me start out by saying that I could have written this entire chapter in four sentences. Jacob is sad that he doesn’t have a home. Edward is sad because Bella is going to die. Bella is sad because she’s always sad. Everyone is very sad, but will not get off their asses to do anything about it. See? There. Done. Why Meyer didn’t just write that, I have no idea. Something about the nonexistent plot and sadness, probably.
“When I got back to the house, there was no one waiting outside for my report. Still on alert? Everything’s cool, I thought tiredly. My eyes quickly caught a small change in the now-familiar scene. There was a stack of light-colored fabric on the bottom step of the porch. I loped over to investigate. Holding my breath, because the vampire smell stuck to the fabric like you wouldn’t believe, I nudged the stack with my nose. Someone had laid out clothes. Huh.”
Jacob whines about how nice it was for the Cullens to give him their clothes (+1 Angst) but carries them away to the forest to make sure no one’s playing a joke on him and given him girl’s clothes or something. But the clothes aren’t made for girls, so Jacob puts them on and heads back to the Cullen house.
“They were definitely guy’s clothes—tan pants and a white button down shirt. Neither of them long enough, but they looked like they’d fit around me. Must be Emmett’s. I rolled the cuffs up on the shirtsleeves, but there wasn’t much I could do about the pants. Oh well.”
You’re right, there’s not much you can do about the pants. Except roll up the bottoms, or cut them off entirely to make them into shorts. Geez. (+1 Stupidity) Why does Jacob care about what he’s wearing, anyways? Oh, right, because the Cullens gave those clothes to him, so they are immediately worthy of description. Ugh.
Jacob enters the house to see that Bella is no longer in the hospital bad. She’s on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket like a burrito. She looks up and beams at him, which he finds weird, because she’s married. Come on, Jake. We all know that Bella is a manipulative bitch who will do anything to get what she wants, regardless of the consequences. (+1 Bitch) You might think, that after three books in the friendzone, Jake might get this by now.
Bella tells Jake to get some sleep, and Rosalie is a bitch to Jacob just so that Meyer can write a dumb blonde joke. (Gag.) Jacob leaves again, and Edward follows him out, confessing that he was listening in on most of Jake’s chitchat with Jared. He also wants Jake to know that the Cullens will feed, clothe, and shelter any of the werewolves if they want it. Ugh, my eyes just did a 360 in their sockets. I’m sick of all the pleasantries. Would it kill Meyer to move the plot along. Like, when are we gonna get our cesarean section via teeth? I would read that.
In fact, can someone just tell me if Edward and Jacob ever fight? I don’t care if you spoil the book. It’s just that at this point, Eddie and Jake are acting like Frodo and Samwise, and the only fight they might ever have will be over who gets to hold Bella’s barf bag.
Then, oh, look, something mildly interesting is happening. Bella screams from inside the house. It looks like the demonspawn has cracked one of her ribs, because as Bella gets stronger, so does it.
“It was breaking her bones now. “I need to take an X-ray. There might be splinters. We don’t want it to puncture anything.” Bella took a deep breath. “Okay.” Rosalie lifted Bella carefully. Edward seemed like he was going to argue, but Rosalie bared her teeth at him and growled, “I’ve already got her.” So Bella was stronger now, but the thing was, too. You couldn’t starve one without starving the other, and healing worked just the same. No way to win. Blondie carried Bella swiftly up the big staircase with Carlisle and Edward right on her heels, none of them taking any notice of me standing dumbstruck in the doorway.”
1. Is it safe to x-ray a pregnant lady’s chest?
2. Is it safe to do this at your house?
3. Why would you even have an x-ray machine at your house? Is that even legal?
4. Are blueberry pancakes possibly the best food ever?
1. Because vampires have two extra chromosomes.
2. Because Bella loves Edward.
4. Yes. (+3 Stupidity)
While Bella is upstairs having her fetus irradiated, Jacob curls up sleepily by the foot of the stairs. Alice dances around and offers him a pillow.
“Do you want a pillow?” Alice asked me. “No,” I mumbled. What was with the pushy hospitality? It was creeping me out. “That doesn’t look comfortable,” she observed. “S’not.” “Why don’t you move, then?” “Tired. Why aren’t you upstairs with the rest of them?” I shot back.
Alice goes on to complain that the fetus is messing with her already screwy vision powers, which gives her a headache. Boo hoo, no one cares. Now that she’s sitting next to Jacob, she can’t see anything, because she’s weresighted.
So…does this mean that Bellyburster is part werewolf or some shit? That’s kind of what I’m gathering, here.But I doubt it, because Smella and Jacob never shared a special hug. Unless Meyer just glossed over that because *giggle* sex is gross!
But Jacob is too tired to smack Alice across the face like her shitty powers deserve, and instead just goes to sleep.
Eventually, he wakes to the smell of cinnamon rolls and vampire stench. Bella is on the couch, om-nomming the said cinnamon rolls, a cup of blood not far away. Seth has one arm flung around Bella.
“Hey, Jake’s coming around!” Seth crowed. He was sitting on Bella’s other side, his arm slung carelessly over her shoulders, an overflowing plate of food on his lap. What the hell? “He came to find you,” Edward said while I got to my feet. “And Esme convinced him to stay for breakfast.”
Edward explains that Bella was cold, and is using Seth as a space heater because the vamps are too big of douchebags to turn up the damn heat. (+1 Red Flag) Jacob glares at Seth until he removes the offending limb. Oh, and Leah is still out running patrol, because she would rather carve out her liver with a butter knife than set foot in Chez Cullen. Seth says they’re okay running while Jacob sleeps. Jacob is mad for no good reason. Bella looks healthy (er) but is still sick. Edward is doing nothing of use. Meyer misuses the word “appraised” for the gajillionth time. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
I glanced quickly at Bella. Her color was back to the way I remembered it. Pale, but with the rose undertone. Her lips were pink again. Even her hair looked better—shinier. She saw me appraising and gave me a grin. “How’s the rib?” I asked.“Taped up nice and tight. I don’t even feel it.”
Edward offers Jake breakfast, but he declines, saying he’ll just have what Leah’s having. (Roadkill.) On his way out the door, Carlisle stops him.
“Speaking of hunting,” he began in a somber tone. “That’s going to be an issue for my family. I understand that our previous truce is inoperative at the moment, so I wanted your advice. Will Sam be hunting for us outside of the perimeter you’ve created? We don’t want to take a chance with hurting any of your family—or losing any of ours. If you were in our shoes, how would you proceed?”
Jacob recommends that the Cullens hunt in groups and only go in the daytime. The daytime. You know, when hikers and other mortals are in the woods. I mean, what better way to keep vampires a secret? I’m sure that any hikers or hunters the Cullens stumble across will just assume they’re a roaming posse of Adam Lambert fans who enjoy eating raw animals for fun. No siree, nothing strange here. (+1 Stupidity)
Why are the Cullens even bothering to hunt in the first place? We already know they’ve got a frackin’ blood bank in the attic. Or maybe just fly up to Canada for a long weekend? The answer to both these questions probably has something to do with extra chromosomes and love magic. (+1 Stupidity)
Ugh, whatever. I don’t care. Jacob tries to leave again, but Esme forces a casserole dish filled with food into his paws and says that there’s a basket of clothes for Leah on the porch.
“Jacob?” Esme asked. I backed toward the door as she continued; she took a few steps after me. “I left a basket of clothes on the porch. They’re for Leah. They’re freshly washed—I tried to touch them as little as possible.” She frowned. “Do you mind taking them to her?” “On it,” I muttered, and then I ducked out the door before anyone could guilt me into anything else.”
Jacob escapes before anyone can force any more basic comforts on to him, and walks out thinking that the Cullens aren’t so bad. (Like, they totally wouldn’t idly sit by while hundreds of innocent people are killed in Italy every year.) Ugh. Can I be done now?
This chapter is absolutely useless. What have we learned? Nothing. Jacob is still far too nice for his own good, Bella is still pregnant, Edward is still mind-molesting everyone, and Carlisle + Esme are still being “nurturing” to the point to the point where I’m choking on my own vomit.
Oh, right, I’m still sick. That really happened.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +16
Cream Count: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +11 Jacob: +6