What Bella would call this chapter: Windy Air
Fucks I give: I do not give them here or there
At this point, I’m really starting to praise the Lord that Bella’s child is growing at an accelerated pace, because this book so far has been about as exiciting as an after-lunch English class. I’m bored of Jacob and Edward going on about how sick Bella looks. I don’t need to be reminded that Bellyburster is killing Bella. I’m sick of all the fake drama going on with the wolfpack. Let’s just pop this kid out and be over with it, mkay?
In all honesty, this review is probably going to be pretty short, because A) if Meyer isn’t trying, neither am I, and B) nothing really happens anyways.
So yeah. Rose and Carl are running around the house, trying to find a cup of blood.
“This was your idea?” Bella whispered, her voice rough as she strained to make it loud enough for me to hear. Forgetting that I could hear just fine. I kind of liked how, a lot of the time, she seemed to forget that I wasn’t completely human. I moved closer, so that she wouldn’t have to work so hard. “Don’t blame me for this one. Your vampire was just picking snide comments out of my head.”
Wait. I thought vampires were super fast? How does Jake have time to chat with Bella? Doctor C should be back by know, unless they keep all their blood supply in some super secret dungeon, and even then. (+1 Stupidity) So whatever. Maybe they’re off making a quilt or reading Les Mis.
Jacob takes this time to tell Bella that Leah has joined his pack-that’s not-really-a-pack. Why, I have no idea. It’s not like this is exactly vital to the story. But I guess Meyer needs something to waste time while Carlizzle plays tetris. Actually, I have no idea what the fuck he’s doing, but one thing’s fo sho: it’s not preparing Bella’s blood cocktail.
“And then Carlisle and the psycho in question were there. Carlisle had a white plastic cup in his hand—the kind with a lid and a bendy straw. Oh—not clear; now I got it. Edward didn’t want Bella to have to think about what she was doing any more than necessary. You couldn’t see what was in the cup at all. But I could smell it.”
And what follows this is a gross scene where Bella, the supposed hemophobic (+1 Stupidity), says the blood smells good and downs it, even drinking another cup.
“Bella sighed and put her lips to the straw again. She took a real pull this time. The action wasn’t as weak as everything else about her. Like some instinct was taking over.”
And, um, that’s it. There was the entire substance of this chapter. But this is Meyer we’re talking about, and nothing is ever that simple.
Before I go into that, I do have one question: where the fuck is Jasper? Is he even in this book anymore? If he is, shouldn’t he be absolutely losing it? I mean, he went coo-coo for cocoa puffs over a couple drops of the stuff two books ago. You might think that a whole cup of blood would send him into a feeding frenzy, causing him to kill Bella, the Cullens, Jacob, and the coffee table he always bumps his shin on. But there’s no mention of him at all. Maybe he’s no longer tempted. (It’s probably because he has two extra chromosomes.) (+1 Stupidity)
Moving on. It’s never really revealed where Carlisle got the human blood. I assume he stole it from the hospital, the douchebag. But perhaps Jasper is standing out back, holding down a victim while Emmett tries out his new tazer-axe. Either way, Edward has a strong contender for the “douchebag of the year” award. (+1 Red Flag)
“And anyone could see it—the cup full of human blood had made an immediate difference. Her color was returning—there was a tiny hint of pink in her waxy cheeks. Already she didn’t seem to need Rosalie’s support so much anymore. Her breathing was easier, and I would swear her heartbeat was stronger, more even.”
The two cups of human blood has immediately made Bella stronger and healthier. There is much joke-cracking and standing around with the lovely dysfunctional family and their dog, mind-reading and having a jolly good time.
Bella asks for more blood, which disgusts Jake and makes Rose get all snappy.
“Would you like more?” Rosalie pressed. Bella’s shoulders slumped. Edward flashed a glare at Rosalie before he spoke to Bella. “You don’t have to drink more right away.” “Yeah, I know. But… I want to,” she admitted glumly. Rosalie pulled her thin, sharp fingers through Bella’s lank hair. “You don’t need to be embarrassed about that, Bella. Your body has cravings. We all understand that.” Her tone was soothing at first, but then she added harshly, “Anyone who doesn’t understand shouldn’t be here.” Meant for me, obviously, but I wasn’t going to let Blondie get to me. I was glad Bella felt better. So what if the means grossed me out? It wasn’t like I’d said anything.
Um, when I’m seeing something I’m grossed out by, I don’t stand and watch. I fucking leave. Meyer, stop trying to make Jacob look tough if you’re only going to have him bitch about it afterwards. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella notices that Jakey-poo is tired, and offers him one of the beds upstairs. Jacob mentally declines, thinking that the stench is too bad and he really doesn’t want to touch anything of Rosalie’s, anyways. Why do the Cullens even have beds, again? Whatever. I don’t care. Suddenly, Seth howls, and Jacob rushes out the door to transform, shredding his only pair of shorts in the process.
Using mind-thoughts, Seth tells Jake that three or four evil wolves are rapidly approaching. One of them is in human form, which means this isn’t an ambush. Darn. Right after vampire-werewolf fights, werewolf-werewolf fights are the best thing. Or Emmett-nine headed dragon fights. But I am beginning to suspect that we aren’t going to see any of these in this book. Sigh.
“They came into view a few seconds later, walking, as Seth had thought. Jared in the front, human, hands up. Paul and Quil and Collin on four legs behind him. There was no aggression in their postures. They hung back behind Jared, ears up, alert but calm.”
Four books in and Meyer still doesn’t know how to convey a character’s emotion without spelling it out for us. Damn. Normally, I would have a big fiery rant about this, but it’s almost midnight and I’m just too tired to care. Long story short, Meyer, you suck at writing. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Leah and Seth mill about, wondering if this is just a diversion for a bigger attack. Jared derails their train of thought, calling out for a truce and asking to talk to Jacob.
“I huffed a sigh. Leah, make a circuit—just to be sure. I’m going to have to talk to him, and I want to be positive there isn’t anything else going on while I’m phased. Give me a break, Jacob. You can phase in front of me. Despite my best efforts, I’ve seen you naked before—doesn’t do much for me, so no worries.”
Jacob huffs sighs like I huff Sharpie markers, doesn’t he? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Anyways, he tells Leah to go run a patrol, because he doesn’t want her to catch a glimpse of his twig and berries. I guess I don’t really blame him. I mean, I scream “go run a patrol” at the sales associate at Target whenever I’m trying on stuff for the same reason.
Nude Jacob and clothed Jared decide to go ahead and talk things over.
“Oh,” Jared said. “Hey, Jake.” “Hey, Jared.” “Thanks for talking to me.” “Yeah.” “We want you to come back, man.” Quil whined again.“I don’t know if it’s that easy, Jared.”“Come home,” he said, leaning forward. Pleading. “We can sort this out. You don’t belong here. Let Seth and Leah come home, too.”
The gist of the conversation is that the pack is going to leave the Cullens be for now, mostly because they figure that Bella will die giving birth and Jacob will be so pissed that he’ll kill them all himself, which doesn’t make sense in that it makes too much sense. Oh, and Sue Clearwater misses her kids. Somehow, this section is still overdrawn, repetitive, and boring, despite the fact that six werewolves are involved.
“Look, Jared, we’re still family, okay? We’ll get past the feud, but, until we do, you probably ought to stick to your land. Just so there aren’t misunderstandings. Nobody wants a family brawl, right? Sam doesn’t want that, either, does he?” “Of course, not,” Jared snapped. “We’ll stick to our land. But where is your land, Jacob? Is it vampire land?”
Jacob decides that once this whole mess is over, he can’t go back to La Push. so, he’ll probably just frolic around in the forest, all furred out, for the rest of his life, because people in this book suck at problem-solving. (+1 Stupidity)
“Back to the forest, I think. I can’t really stick around La Push. Two Alphas means too much tension. ’Sides, I was headed that way anyway. Before this mess.”
Awww, no one loves poor tortured Jake. Never mind that he’s stupidly throwing his life away for someone who will never want him, just feel bad! (+1 Angst)
There’s a lot of talk and no action. The two packs call a relative truce. No one is falcon-punched through a tree. Heads do not roll. Everything is nonviolently lame. Sam and his pack will leave the Blue Furies alone. Jacob’s friends miss him. Blah blah blah.
I would say something clever, but, um, Netflix is calling, which is probably a good indicator of how much I care about this book.
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Red Flag: Edward: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +15
Cream Count: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +10 Jacob: +6