What Bella would call this chapter:
Fucks I give: I do not give them in in an oak
Seth and Jacob are still running circles and half circles around the Cullen house, looking for evil wolves. It’s never explained why Jasper and Emmett aren’t out there helping them. Maybe Jasper is close to beating his high score on Donkey Kong. Maybe Emmett is trying to build a flamethrower that also shoots grenades that explode into knives. Maybe the Cullens are just assholes like that. Maybe Meyer doesn’t like having to many characters on screen because it means she actually has to try. (+1 Stupidity)
Suddenly, Seth howls the alarm.
“Morning, boys. A shocked whine broke through Seth’s teeth. And then we both snarled as we read deeper into the new thoughts. Oh, man! Go away, Leah! Seth groaned. I stopped when I got to Seth, head thrown back, ready to howl again—this time to complain. Cut the noise, Seth. Right. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! He whimpered and pawed at the ground, scratching deep furrows in the dirt. Leah trotted into view, her small gray body weaving through the underbrush. Stop whining, Seth. You’re such a baby. I growled at her, my ears flattening against my skull. She skipped back a step automatically. What do you think you’re doing, Leah? She huffed a heavy sigh. It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? I’m joining your crappy little renegade pack.”
Sweet Odin, Meyer, do you ever bother to go back and read what you wrote to check if it makes sense? Example A: “huffing a heavy sigh” is both redundant and unnecessary! Either she “huffed” or she “sighed heavily”. When you combine two words that both mean completely different actions, it confuses your reader and makes the DRD upset. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Anyhoo, Wolf Leah has shown up to join Jacob’s pack. The boys are mega pissed that she’s breaking up their little sausage party, and Jacob tries to order her to leave. She doesn’t, and stands her ground. (Good girl.) Jake sends Seth back to the Cullen house so that he can talk with Leah alone.
“Seth, go let the Cullens know that it’s just your stupid sister—I thought the words as harshly as possible. I’ll deal with this. On it! Seth was only too happy to leave. He vanished toward the house. Leah whined, and she leaned after him, the fur on her shoulders rising. You’re just going to let him run off to the vampires alone? I’m pretty sure he’d rather they took him out than spend another minute with you.”
Ouch. What the hell has Leah done to deserve being treated like this? Sure, I get that she’s not besties with Jake, but what right does that give him to be a total asshat? Personally, I would be welcoming another person who wanted to support my cause. I just don’t understand where all this hatred of Leah is coming from. She seems like she’s here mostly because she wants to look out for her little brother, and who wouldn’t?
“Seth doesn’t want or need your protection. In fact, no one wants you here. Oooh, ouch, that’s gonna leave a huge mark. Ha, she barked. Tell me who does want me around, and I’m outta here.”
Leah refuses to leave on Jacob’s order, and he continues to be a total douchenozzle. Well. This is the first time I’ve seen a female character in Meyerland not completely obey a male character, and she gets treated like shit for it? I think not. (+1 Red Flag) Leah keeps pressing for a spot in Jacob’s pack (which I’m going to name the Blue Furies) and Jacob starts to suspect that Leah has personal reasons for wanting to leave Sam’s pack. Thank you, Captain Obvious.
“I listened carefully to the thoughts mixed in with the words. If this was a diversion or a ploy, I had to be alert enough to see through it. But there was nothing. Her declaration was nothing but the truth. Unwilling, almost despairing truth.”
*smashes keyboard in blind fury*
JACOB DOES NOT TALK LIKE BELLA! SO STOP WRITING IT THAT WAY! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Anywhore, Jacob deduces that Leah would rather hang out with anyone but Sam. There are more reasons, but I don’t care about them, so let’s just say it was because of ghosts. Jacob relents and lets Leah join the Blue Furies, sending her out to run circles with Seth, but not before blaming her for being depressed.
I am not kidding.
“Ugh, Leah, you ruin everything! Yeah, I know, she told him, and the thought was loaded with the heaviness of her despair. I felt the pain in the three little words, and it was more than I would’ve guessed. I didn’t want to feel that. I didn’t want to feel bad for her. Sure, the pack was rough on her, but she brought it all on herself with the bitterness that tainted her every thought and made being in her head a nightmare.”
And no one thought to try not being so rough on Leah? Really?!? It’s not like she’s ever done anything incredibly hurtful to anyone in the pack, and yet everyone is blaming her for being a little bummed that her boyfriend dumped her for her cousin? Maybe you fucking should feel bad for Leah, because you’re digging her deeper and deeper into a hole that eventually she’s not going to be able to get out of. Having to hang out every day with a bunch of people that don’t try to hide the fact that they hate you would really do a number on your head. (+1 Red Flag)
After a couple more pages about despair and Leah and loyalty, we finally get to some real substance. Leah fills Jacob in on what happened after he left. Sam, being down two wolfboys, called off the attack. He called a meeting with the tribe elders, and Leah decided it would be the perfect time to haul ass out of town. Then, Seth and Leah tear off to go run semi-circles or some shit while Jacob goes back to the Cullen house.
“Leah was trying—for Leah. She kept her jibes to a minimum as she raced around the circuit, but it was impossible not to be aware of her smug mood. I thought of the whole “two’s company” saying. It didn’t really apply, because one was plenty to my mind. But if there had to be three of us, it was hard to think of anyone that I wouldn’t trade her for. Paul? she suggested. Maybe, I allowed.”
I like Leah. She’s tough and unafraid to do what she wants. There’s a part of me that hopes Jacob will fall in love with her, mostly because of the way she fights with him. I know this doesn’t happen. But I wish it did, because Jacob deserves someone awesome, like Wonder Woman or Beyonce.
Jacob transforms back and meets Carlisle on the front steps of the house. Edward isn’t available, as he won’t leave Bella’s side now that she’s awake. Carl and Jake sit on the porch for a second before going in.
“We sat in silence. I could hear the others in the house. Emmett, Alice, and Jasper, speaking in low, serious voices upstairs. Esme humming tunelessly in another room. Rosalie and Edward breathing close by—I couldn’t tell which was which, but I could hear the difference in Bella’s labored panting. I could hear her heart, too. It seemed… uneven.”
Hold the phone. Why can Jacob hear them all breathing? I mean, Bella I get, but Rosalie and Edward? Last time I checked, Meyer had told us that vampires don’t need to breathe. So, maybe Jacob is just listening to Rose and Edward fart modestly. That would make more sense. *eye roll* (+1 Stupidity)
Jake notices that Bella is breathing like a chain-smoking asthmatic, but he also notes that Dr. C considers her a part of his family. So, why is he not going to save her life? Once again, I’m not up for discussing abortion. Instead, here’s my next five non-Twilight related thoughts in chronological order:
- What color does a smurf turn when you choke it?
- “You smell nice” is the best compliment anyone could receive.
- What’s a synonym for “fergalicious”?
- She wears short skirts, I wear your granddad’s clothes, she’s cheer captain and I look incredible.
- Shoutout to the guy who actually answers Yahoo questions.
So, yeah. From here on out, everything gets really stupid really fast.
“The fetus isn’t compatible with her body. Too strong, for one thing, but she could probably endure that for a while. The bigger problem is that it won’t allow her to get the sustenance she needs. Her body is rejecting every form of nutrition. I’m trying to feed her intravenously, but she’s just not absorbing it. Everything about her condition is accelerated. I’m watching her—and not just her, but the fetus as well—starve to death by the hour. I can’t stop it and I can’t slow it down. I can’t figure out what it wants.” His weary voice broke at the end.”
Oh, gee whiz, Carlisle, that’s one for the ages. You’ve got a HALF-VAMPIRE child up in there, and you can’t possibly figure out what it wants. A HALF-VAMPIRE. Are you fucking kidding me? Really. Absolutely no one in this marvelous, gifted family can think that a HALF-FUCKING-VAMPIRE fetus might want, oh, I don’t know, blood, despite the fact that they are all bloodthirsty asshats themselves? Good Lord. If you read that excerpt above and immediately realized what the fucking demonspawn might be just a weensy bit hungry for, congrats. You’re smarter than all of Meyer’s precious characters combined. (+1 Stupidity)
Ugh, whatever. Jacob guesses what Bellyburster might be hungry for, but doesn’t say anything. Then, Carl asks a question that throws me off a little.
“Okay. How much biology have you taken? Did you study chromosomal pairs?” “Think so. We have twenty-three, right?” “Humans do.”
Oh, I am really not liking where this is going.
“I blinked. “How many do you have?” “Twenty-five.” I frowned at my fists for a second. “What does that mean?” “I thought it meant that our species were almost completely different. Less related than a lion and a house cat. But this new life—well, it suggests that we’re more genetically compatible than I’d thought.” He sighed sadly. “I didn’t know to warn them.”
I’ll say. Vampires have two extra chromosomes?!? Are you fucking kidding me?!? Meyer, stop. Just stop this, because you clearly have no idea what the fuck you are talking about. First and foremost, species with that large of a chromosomal difference cannot interbreed. Therefore, no demon spawn! Oh, and Jacob has 24 chromosomes, which means he’s got Down Syndrome. Well, I guess that would explain all his bad decisions, but COME ON! Someone clearly failed high school Biology. Is this supposed to be the magic answer to everything, huh? Why do the Cullens keep going to high school? Because vampires have two extra chromosomes! Why do some sparkle powers work on Bella while others don’t? Because vampires have two extra chromosomes! Why does Alice suck so much? Because vampires have two extra chromosomes! (+1 Stupidity) This is vital info, fo sho.
Carl is still pondering why the fetus isn’t compatible with Bella’s body (because vampires have two extra chromosomes) when Edward comes out. He’s been reading Jacob’s mind and thinks he knows what the fetus wants. Finally.
“Think about it, Carlisle. If that creature is more vampire than human, can’t you guess what it craves—what it’s not getting? Jacob did.”I did? I ran through the conversation, trying to remember what thoughts I’d kept to myself. I remembered at the same time that Carlisle understood. “Oh,” he said in a surprised tone. “You think it is… thirsty?”
And everyone cheers, “Jacob, you are truly the wisest of beings! Praise upon you, our sage!” They all jump into action. Rose is gung-ho for the idea, even offering to go grab all that O-negative laid aside for Bella, suggesting that she just chug it. Pretty much everyone thinks this is disgusting.
“That’s just . . .” I couldn’t find the right word. “Monstrous?” Edward suggested. “Repulsive?” “Pretty much.” “But what if it helps her?” he whispered. I shook my head angrily. “What are you gonna do, shove a tube down her throat?” “I plan to ask her what she thinks. I just wanted to run it past Carlisle first.” Rosalie nodded. “If you tell her it might help the baby, she’ll be willing to do anything. Even if we do have to feed them through a tube.”
It finally clicks in Jacob’s head that Rose doesn’t give a rat’s ass if Bella lives or dies, as long as she gets the baby. Huh. Not exactly surprised, there. Everyone decides that Bella needs to chug some blood to help the baby.
“Bella, love, we’re going to ask you to do something monstrous,” he said, using the same adjectives he’d offered me. “Repulsive.” Well, at least he was giving it to her straight. She took a shallow, fluttery breath. “How bad?” Carlisle answered. “We think the fetus might have an appetite closer to ours than to yours. We think it’s thirsty.”
Bella agrees with surprising quickness, and – no. No. Can we just stop here for a second?
So, we’ve agreed that the fetus wants blood. So why isn’t it sucking up Bella’s? Isn’t Bella the smelliest, most magnificent vampire treat in all the land? Perhaps the child doesn’t want to drink its mother’s blood. But still, why couldn’t they pump the blood into Bella intravenously? Oh, right. Because that wouldn’t be as gory/interesting/creepy/gross and because vampires have two extra chromosomes. (+1 Stupidity)
Next, I’m really pissed that everyone thinks Bella chugging the blood is gonna work. I’m not a medical professional or anything, so correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think it works that way. The baby is not lying in wait at the bottom of Bella’s stomach with an open mouth. A baby gets nutrients after the mother digests food — through the blood stream and umbilical cord and such. Yes, I realize this is not a normal baby. But it’s still in Bella’s uterus, encased by some sort of placenta. It truly must be a magical babe if it can get stuff directly from Bella’s stomach. (+1 Stupidity)
“Well,” she rasped, barely audible. “I’m starving, so I’ll bet he is, too.” Trying to make another joke. “Let’s go for it. My first vampire act.”
And why is Bella, the girl who fainted at the sight of a pinprick, suddenly offering to chug a couple pints of the red stuff? (+1 Stupidity)
Because vampires have two extra chromosomes?
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Red Flag: +2
Thesaurus Rape: +13
Cream Count: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +9 Jacob: +6