Chapter 11: The 2 Things At The Very Top Of My Never-Want-To-Do List

Posted: March 18, 2013 in Breaking Dawn
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What Bella would call this chapter: Magical Dreams
Fucks I give: I do not give them on a boat

*I’m going out of town on Tuesday, so here’s the next chapter a little early.*

This chapter picks up right where we last left off, with the now suddenly evil wolves preparing to attack the Cullens. Due to the hierarchy of the pack, both Jake and Seth are being forced to participate. Al the wolves are scared because they know not all of them will be coming back alive. Pfft. we all know that if this fight actually happens, of which I am incredibly doubtful, no one will be seriously harmed or killed. We’ve read Meyer’s last three books. We all know that she does not have the stones to harm any of her precious characters, so I would really appreciate it if we could just be done with all this non-tension. Besides, Sam’s transformation into a mock-villain who wants to kill pregnant ladies is just too damn funny to take seriously. (+1 Stupidity)

Jake obviously feels the same way as me, because he sits on the ground, staring blankly into space, probably wishing he could tear his way out of the book.

 

“Their minds were filled with our challenge, our assignment. We remembered together the nights we’d watched the Cullens practicing for the fight with the newborns. Emmett Cullen was strongest, but Jasper would be the bigger problem. He moved like a lightning strike—power and speed and death rolled into one. How many centuries’ experience did he have? Enough that all the other Cullens looked to him for guidance. I’ll take point, if you want flank, Quil offered. There was more excitement in his mind than most of the others.”

 

Even though the wolves are super scurrrrrred they’re also really excited to go and open up a can of whoop-ass. I don’t blame them. If I was capable of opening up cans of whoop-ass wherever I went, you could probably melt down all my recycled cans and make an even bigger can of whoop-ass, and then – oh, you get it. Whatever.

And then, suddenly, Jacob decides that he can do whatever the fuck he wants, because he is the rightful alpha in this pack, and therefore the only one that can defy Sam!

What?

 

“But I was straight and strong as I walked to where Sam stood, planning with Paul and Jared. He turned at the sound of my advance, and his black eyes narrowed. No, I told him again. He heard it right away, heard the choice that I’d made in the sound of the Alpha voice in my thoughts.He jumped back a half step with a shocked yelp. Jacob? What have you done? I won’t follow you, Sam. Not for something so wrong.”

 

Um, okay. I guess there was a conversation in New Moon, or maybe Eclipse (cut me a break, this all blurs together after awhile) where Jacob said that he was the rightful pack alpha, but he had given up that position to Sam, the “beta”, because he didn’t feel he would be a good leader. And you know what? I agree.

Let’s take a look at this. Jake is emotionally unstable, wasting his time mooning over a girl who clearly doesn’t care about him. If he were in charge, the pack could be in legitimate danger from the Cullens, and Jacob wouldn’t do anything for fear of hurting Bella. He doesn’t think things through, and he makes quite a few shit decisions. He abandons all responsibilities to run dramatically in to the woods whenever something bad happens. He would probably go running off into the woods if his dentist told him he didn’t floss enough. So, I say it’s a good thing that Jake gave up leadership to Sam. But for him to just regain all that mystical wolf power when he feels like it? No way, Jose. It’s probably the easiest out I’ve seen Meyer take in this book, second to only Bellyburster’s “rapid growth.” (+1 Stupidity)

 

“The bonds fell off my body the second that I embraced my birthright. I could feel it gathering in me, both a freedom and also a strange, hollow power. Hollow because an Alpha’s power came from his pack, and I had no pack. For a second, loneliness overwhelmed me. I had no pack now.”

 

Oh, boo fucking hoo. This was your choice, Jacob. You knew the alternative. You made your decision, and now you have to live with it. Why is every character in this damned series so freakin’ surprised when they realize their actions have consequences? (+1 Angst)

Anyhoo, now that Jacob has rejected Sam’s authority, they fight to determine who is the one true alpha of the pack. Kidding! No, they circle each other a couple times and show their teeth. It’s a great tactic. Whenever I get in a fight, I always find it helpful to show my teeth. Of course, I’ve only been in one fight and it ended with me giving her my lunch money, so maybe don’t take my advice on this one.

Jacob stands his ground and firmly tells Sam that he will not kill the Cullens. Finally, finally, Sam points out that this is all about Bella (because really, what isn’t) and Jake really needs to get over this girl who is never going to love him. Attaboy, Sam. Someone needed to say it.

 

“This isn’t about them, he snarled at me. This is about Bella. She has never been the one for you, she has never chosen you, but you continue to destroy your life for her! They were hard words, but true words. I sucked in a big gulp of air, breathing them in.”

 

Yeesh, Meyer. Will you look at that last sentence?!? Get a goddamn editor, or else the DRD is going to come and start fining me for unlicensed redundancies. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Ugh.

They keep circling each other, arguing about heritage and loyalty and who has the bigger schlong. Eventually, Jacob decides that yes, his schlong is loads bigger (wider, too), so he says his farewells and runs away into the woods, for what has to be the 2,847th time this series. (+1 Stupidity) 

But wait! Seth, who is BFFers with Eddie, has decided to follow Jake! Now Jake has a little pack of his very own. Isn’t that special?

 

“I was worried now. If I couldn’t tap into the pack’s mind, it was going to make this more difficult. I’d have no more advance warning of attack than the Cullens.”

 

Jake races off to warn the Cullens about the attack. Now this right here has the potential to become a real page-turner, an action-packed bit that will surely spice up the blandness of this piece of glorified vampire fanfiction. Think about it: Jacob has only moments to get to the Cullen house and warn the them. Once he gets there, the tension builds as everyone waits for the wolf attack. It’s quiet. It’s…too quiet. Jacob’s mind is no longer connected to the other wolves. His only friend is Seth. He doesn’t know where or when his former brothers will strike. He rushes through the forest trying to spot the wolves. Time is running out!

That would be interesting! We have a somewhat likeable hero faced with an insurmountable obstacle. We have betrayal and pain. We have romance. We have raised stakes, actual tension, and things that are actual problems. We have so many good things going for us that it makes me wonder how Meyer actually managed to cock this one up.

 

“Then we broke through the trees into the big lawn. The house was dark, but not empty. Edward stood on the porch between Emmett and Jasper. They were snow white in the pale light. “Jacob? Seth? What’s going on?” I slowed and then paced back a few steps. The smell was so sharp through this nose that it felt like it was honestly burning me. Seth whined quietly, hesitating, and then he fell back behind me.”

 

All the action and potential fun grinds to a halt due to someone’s crippling inability to write an action scene. It’s not like I’m asking for giant robots fighting off alien pirates or anything! I just want an action scene where I feel concerned for the outcome and safety of the characters. (+1 Stupidity) The boys agree that the two wolves will go run around and check for evil wolves, and will howl an alarm if they find any. I’m sure Meyer could have written something more action-packed than Seth’s conversation with Jake after they intercept Carlisle.

 

“Yep, Carlisle and Esme. Boy, were they surprised to see me! They’re probably inside by now. Carlisle said thanks. He’s a good guy. Yeah. That’s one of the reasons why we’re right about this. Hope so.”

 

Meyer, you don’t just stop a tense scene so characters can chit-chat. Oh, and you know what else you shouldn’t do? Waste precious plot-space on some dialogue about running patrols. In case Stephenie Meyer ever by chance reads my blog, I read the next few paragraphs a couple times. This is what I gathered: Seth is running around the Cullen house in a circle, looking for evil wolves. Jacob is running a half circle that intersects with Seth’s circle, and then Seth is howling because he’s sad, for reasons I still don’t understand. Edward thinks this is an alarm, but doesn’t really care because something is happening with Bella. But for all I know, this part is about Jake and Seth’s excursion to KFC and Seth was sad because he didn’t have enough money for an extra biscuit.

This really bothers me, because this chapter could have been AWESOME! It should have read like an episode of 24. Or, even better, a nine year old describing an episode of 24 after chugging a bottle of Mountain Dew. “And then, this guy did one thing with this other guy and KABOOM!”

Ugh. Whatever. Jacob runs back to the Cullen house while Seth checks between his couch cushions for loose change.

 

“It was a false alarm,” Edward was explaining in that dead voice, just repeating what I’d told him. “Seth was upset about something else, and he forgot we were listening for a signal. He’s very young.” “Nice to have toddlers guarding the fort,” a deeper voice grumbled. Emmett, I thought. “They’ve done us a great service tonight, Emmett,” Carlisle said. “At great personal sacrifice.” “Yeah, I know. I’m just jealous. Wish I was out there.”

 

Come on! Go let Emmett run around! He’s been wanting a chance to test his knife-gun (it’s a gun that shoots knives) for ages! But no one lets Emmett out and Jake goes and paces around the house. He peeks in the window, to see Bella laying in a hospital bed, looking sickly as fuck.

 

“The glass wall was gone—it looked like metal now. And the furniture was all dragged out of the way, with Bella curled up awkwardly on a narrow bed in the center of the open space. Not a normal bed—one with rails like in a hospital. Also like a hospital were the monitors strapped to her body, the tubes stuck into her skin. The lights on the monitors flashed, but there was no sound. The dripping noise was from the IV plugged into her arm—some fluid that was thick and white, not clear.”

 

Bella is curled up all frail and preggers and disappointingly not dead, boo hoo. I guess that we’re supposed to infer that the little bastard is going to be born soon, so moving Bella somewhere safe is probably not happening. And, dear Aunt Jemima, there is some serious dash abuse going on here. (+ 1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“She choked a little in her uneasy sleep, and both Edward and Rosalie moved in to hover over her. Her body jerked, and she whimpered. Rosalie smoothed her hand across Bella’s forehead. Edward’s body stiffened—his back was to me, but his expression must have been something to see, because Emmett wrenched himself  between them before there was time to blink. He held his hands up to Edward.”

 

Edward looks back at Jake through the window, and then Jake decides he better go run dramatically off into the woods to chill with Seth. (+1 Stupidity) This is the end of the chapter,  but I have so many more questions!

Jacob has already guessed that the evil wolves won’t attack tonight. So, why aren’t the Cullens launching a preemptive strike? Or, at the very least, reinforcing their defensive position? Maybe pick up the phone to call Tanya and her crew? Or just grab a few guns? (+1 Stupidity)

I mean, I like werewolves, but I know they’re not immortal. I don’t see why a bullet through the skull wouldn’t kill one. Why do they always have to fight hand-to-hand? That seems impractical. Werewolves don’t have diamond-hard skin like vampires. It seems to me like the Cullens deciding to be efficient is obviously out of the question. (+1 Stupidity)

You know what else seems out of the question? Diplomacy. Why isn’t Carlisle on the phone to La Push, chatting with Sam? Why is no one in this book willing to use common logic? If Carlisle is truly as great and compassionate as everyone says he his, then he should have no problem with this. Talk to Sam, explain to him exactly what’s going on and state that the thing in Bella’s tummy isn’t going to be dangerous. (Chapter explanation of baby vampires.) He will then see logic and call off the attack, which means that the vamps and the wolves won’t have to kill each other! (+1 Stupidity)

And why aren’t Emmett and Jasper out running circles with Seth and Jacob?

Why didn’t Sam stop Jacob when he had the chance?

Why were Carlisle and Esme in the woods, neglecting a very sick patient?

What makes Bella’s baby grow so fast?

Why doesn’t Jacob grow a pair?

And who’s making Charlie dinner?

Chapter Count:
Stupidity: +8
Angst: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +2

Book Count:
Stupidity: +88
Angst: +8
Bitch: +9
Thesaurus Rape: +11
Cream Count: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Redemption: +2
Red Flag: Edward: +9 Jacob: +4

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Comments
  1. JJ says:

    To answer your last question, I think it is Leah’s mom, Mrs. Clearwater whose husband is dead. I saw in the movie that they are in a relationship.

  2. Kyojiro Kagenuma says:

    Awesome angry-laden commentary by someone who knows how sh*tty twilight is.
    Good stuff all around.

  3. Why didn’t Sam stop Jacob when he had the chance? Because he needs to grow a pair.

    Why were Carlisle and Esme in the woods, neglecting a very sick patient? They were killing innocent wildlife.

    And who’s making Charlie dinner? Sue Clearwater.

    Very good commentary!

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