What Bella would call this chapter: Delicate Fragility
Fucks given: *facepalm*
This chapter is really frustrating for a variety of reasons. To start things off, we have Bella insisting that everything will be okay because she feels “magical.” I am not even joking. She even had a dream about the child, so that just means everything is gonna be okay, right?
No, Bella. No. You are so wrong.
“I felt like—like I don’t know what. Like this wasn’t real. Like I was in some Goth version of a bad sitcom. Instead of being the A/V dweeb about to ask the head cheerleader to the prom, I was the finished-second-place werewolf about to ask the vampire’s wife to shack up and procreate. Nice.”
Jacob is heading in to this surely awkward conversation with the expectation that Bella will not listen to him. Given how stupid Bella is, I’m gonna go ahead and agree. Edward asks all the vamps to clear out in order to give Jake some privacy. Rosalie doesn’t like this, even going so far to say “over my pile of ashes,” which is both painful and funny because HARDY HAR HAR vampires burn to death geddit? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
So Jake goes and sits down with Bella, telling her that she looks hideous. Good one, Jake. The following conversation is even more awkward than the one last chapter, if that’s even possible. Oh, and this is where talk about magic comes back in.
“It’ll work out, you know,” she said after a quiet minute. “I believe that.” That made me see red again. “Is dementia one of your symptoms?” I snapped. She laughed, though my anger was so real that my hands were shaking around hers. “Maybe,” she said. “I’m not saying things will work out easily, Jake. But how could I have lived through all that I’ve lived through and not believe in magic by this point?”
Bella is just the stupidest person on the face of the earth, huh? She’s all convinced that everything can and will end happily-ever-after (which I’m sure it will because this book sucks) and nothing anyone says can change her mind to make her see how moronic and selfish she’s being. (I say selfish because there’s a very real possibility that this baby will get all her friends and family killed.) Because it’s HER demon baby, which automatically means everyone else is wrong. (+1 Stupidity)
This is actually pretty interesting, though, because now, after three-and-a-quarter books, our female protagonist FINALLY has a flaw. Bella Swan would rather let everyone she knows die than admit that she might be wrong. It makes me quadruple infinity sad that Meyer isn’t going to call this a flaw. No, Bella is just going to be “stubborn.” There will be no acknowledgement that Bella Swan is not a perfect being, and saying her name three times to a rock shaped like a kitchen appliance will not cause it to split open, releasing a swarm of butterflies who will carry you to a magical cloud palace where merfairies adorn your body with flowers and precious gems. Meyer isn’t brave to make her characters less than impeccable and that will always make me weep for the passable book that Twilight could have been. (+1 Stupidity)
But fuck my opinion. Let’s talk about magic! Jacob, who obviously does not believe in magic, grows angry and says that Bella is going to kill herself, therefore killing him and Edward too. Bella doesn’t even pretend to care. (+1 Bitch) After some more angry prodding from Jacob, she reveals her grand plan: she knows she’s going to die giving birth to Bellyburster, but she knows Carlisle will transform her into a vampire at the last possible moment, saving her life. He’s done the same thing for Edward, Rosalie, Esme, and Emmett, so why wouldn’t he do it for Bella?
“Listen to me, Bells. Don’t do it that way.” Like before, when the call from Charlie had come, I could see how much difference it really made to me. I realized I needed her to stay alive, in some form. In any form. I took a deep breath. “Don’t wait until it’s too late, Bella. Not that way. Live. Okay? Just live. Don’t do this to me. Don’t do it to him.” My voice got harder, louder. “You know what he’s going to do when you die. You’ve seen it before. You want him to go back to those Italian killers?” She cringed into the sofa.
Jacob and Bella still don’t see eye-to-eye, so Jake has no choice but to present the rough draft of Edward Cullen’s Guide to a Better Marriage. Bella, naturally is horrified by the idea. I’m not really surprised. Edward wants Jacob to sleep with his wife, which makes about as much sense as midget dodgeball. (+1 Stupidity)
Suddenly, Bella doubles over in pain.
“I’m fine,” she panted. “It’s nothing.” But I didn’t hear; her hands had pulled her sweatshirt to the side, and I stared, horrified, at the skin it exposed. Her stomach looked like it was stained with big splotches of purple-black ink. She saw my stare, and she yanked the fabric back in place. “He’s strong, that’s all,” she said defensively. The ink spots were bruises.”
So, the fetus is so strong that it’s covered her entire stomach in bruises, and yet Bella still thinks everything is going to be rainbows and gumdrops? The Nile isn’t just a river in Egypt, honey. (+1 Stupidity)
I’m really conflicted here, guys. On one hand, I think that Bella has the right to do whatever she wants with her body, and that includes carrying this child to term. On the other hand, she’s being an utter asshat for not realizing that this kid is going to kill her, and then probably result in the deaths of everyone else in Forks. It’s a quandary for the ages.
Jacob must agree with my second opinion, because he decides he’s seen enough, and stands up to go.
“I don’t belong here. I’ve got to get back.” “Why did you come today?” she asked, still reaching limply.“Just to see if you were really alive. I didn’t believe you were sick like Charlie said.”I couldn’t tell from her face whether she bought that or not. “Will you come back again? Before . . .” “I’m not going to hang around and watch you die, Bella.” She flinched. “You’re right, you’re right. You should go.” I headed for the door.”
Jake says that this is the last time he’s going to see Bella. Bullshit. In these past few books, Jacob has left Bella, like, 459 times. and each time, he comes crawling back for more. It’s one of the few things I really hate about Jacob.
“Bye,” she whispered behind me. “Love you, Jake.” I almost went back. I almost turned around and fell down on my knees and started begging again. But I knew that I had to quit Bella, quit her cold turkey, before she killed me, like she was going to kill him.
Damn. Bella really is a selfish asshat, isn’t she? You might think she would realize she’s caused him enough emotional pain over the past year. and yet, she’s still stringing him along like she has from the very beginning. She needs to let him go. She has already put him through hell (he lives in a Twilight book because of her, for chrissakes) and she has no right to put him through more pain and ask him to watch her slowly die, only to see her be reborn as a creature he loathes. (+2 Bitch)
At least Jake realizes that she’s been leading him around by the dick and is going to destroy him emotionally. It’s so sad that I know he’s still going to end up going back to her. He heads outside the Cullen house and turns back into a wolf. His pack is worried, clearly thinking that he’s become “vampire chow.” Jacob shares what he knows with the pack, telling them that Bella is knocked up and dying. The pack reconvenes at Jacob’s house, and we hit the point where Meyer obviously threw her head back, laughed, and said, “fuck it!”
Yes, the rest of this chapter is painfully hilarious. There were a couple times I even laughed out loud. Why? Because at this very moment, Sam Uley is about to morph into Sith Lord Uley so Meyer can have “conflict” in her book, which is otherwise as empty as a college lecture hall at 8 AM on a Friday.
“Sam’s hackles were sticking straight up, and he was growling in an unbroken stream as he paced back and forth around the top of the ring. Paul and Jared moved like shadows behind him, their ears flat against the sides of their head.”
The pack is agitated, but thinking in near synchronization. They all agree that whatever’s growing in Bella’s guts is an abomination. And also quite dangerous. And, because the demon baby will clearly pose a threat to everyone in Forks, and the Cullens will do nothing about it, the pack is clearly going to have to step up and slaughter them all.
“This is not something our treaty anticipated, Sam said. This is a danger to every human in the area. We don’t know what kind of creature the Cullens have bred, but we know that it is strong and fast-growing. And it will be too young to follow any treaty. Remember the newborn vampires we fought? Wild, violent, beyond the reach of reason or restraint. Imagine one like that, but protected by the Cullens.”
Out of nowhere, Sam wants to go kill all the Cullens. All of them, even Bella. He ignores his own character traits. He is no longer a strong, level-headed leader and warrior. He has become evil for no other reason than the fact that Stephenie Meyer must obviously hate me. Mere pages ago, Sam told the pack that if the Cullens broke the treaty and turned Bella into a sparklepire it was no big deal. He trusted the Cullens to do the right thing. But upon learning that Bella is preggers, he’s ready to kill everyone, including Bella? (+1 Stupidity) Don’t get me wrong, I think that the Cullens all deserve to die (except Emmett) but there are so many better reasons for wanting to kill them. For example:
- They let loads of innocent people die in Italy
- They steal cars for funsies
- Alice’s powers are clinically retarded
- They probably don’t pay taxes
- They have killed innocent people and their only punishments have been eternal wealth and beauty
- It would make me happy
- They speed like maniacs on the highway
- They all treat Bella like a queen despite the fact that she’s never done any nice things for them
- They are boring and I hate them all
- They could be bringing fresh water to villages in 3rd world countries or researching a cure to cancer but they spend all their time repeating high school
- Carlisle is a selfish bastard
- Edward thinks it’s okay to pimp out his wife
- It’s March and there’s nothing else to do
See? Those are all totally acceptable reasons to want the Cullens dead. But Sam wants them all dead just because Bella got knocked up? (+1 Stupidity) Why did Meyer suddenly decide to make the werewolves the bad guys?
Jacob and Seth both think that Sam is talking nonsense. Seth suggests that Sam just go tell the Cullens to pack up and GTFO. Sam argues that this will just put people somewhere else in danger. Sam even goes on to agree that the baby might be totally fine (+1 Stupidity) but it’s just not a chance they can take. When Jacob and Seth object to this, Sam pulls his speshul alpha voice out and uses it.
“Yes, the Alpha decreed, his double voice blistering with the heat of his authority. There are no loopholes tonight. You, Jacob, are going to fight the Cullens with us. You, with Quil and Embry, will take care of Jasper and Emmett. You are obligated to protect the tribe. That is why you exist. You will perform this obligation. My shoulders hunched as the edict crushed me. My legs collapsed, and I was on my belly under him. No member of the pack could refuse the Alpha.”
Way to lay down the law, Sam. You go get ’em.
I’m sure this fight will be of mediocre proportions, where no one is seriously injured or killed in the end. As usual.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +11
Cream Count: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +9 Jacob: +4