Chapter 9: Sure as Hell Didn’t See That One Coming

Posted: March 5, 2013 in Breaking Dawn
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

What Bella would call this chapter: Impassioned Lust and Devotional Depth
Fucks given: -2

Well, hi howdy ho, gang! It’s been too long. After a long weekend at Disneyland, I’m ready to foray back into the tortuous world of Twilight. Why, I’ve positively been shaking from withdrawal, can’t you tell?

We are still seeing things through Jacob’s eyes, for reasons I can’t quite understand. I think it almost would have been less-stupid to experience Bella’s pregnancy. But I guess Meyer didn’t agree with me. Why am I not surprised? Anywhore, Jake has gone back to his place before setting out to storm the Cullen manor. He runs into his father unexpectedly and is now forced to go through petty pleasantries and do things like push his disabled father up a ramp.


“Got a minute, Jake?” I skidded to a stop. I looked at him and then toward the garage. “C’mon kid. At least help me inside.” I gritted my teeth but decided that he’d be more likely to cause trouble with Sam if I didn’t lie to him for a few minutes. “Since when do you need help, old man?”


Hot damn. First Bella, now Jake. Why does Meyer have such a problem with teens having healthy relationships with their parents? (+1 Stupidity) I guess Jacob is just super depressed he hasn’t gotten to bang Bella and hasn’t imprinted yet and has to go to a bunch of weddings that aren’t his COME ON GUYS FEEL SORRY FOR HIM. (+1 Angst)

Jacob goes through some stilted chat with Billy and delivers some dull exposition about his sisters who are never mentioned again after this paragraph. Billy eventually cuts to the chase: what the hell did Sam tell you dudes?


“Wait up, Jake. Aren’t you going to tell me what happened? Do I have to call Sam for an update?” I stood with my back to him, hiding my face. “Nothing happened. Sam’s giving them a bye. Guess we’re all just a bunch of leech lovers now.”


Well, no SHIT you can’t see someone’s face when their back is to you. Duh. (+1 Stupidity) Billy digs deeper and tries to talk Jake out of going over and murdering all of the Cullens.


“Jacob,” he said. His voice was strained. “Jacob, don’t. It’s not worth it.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Leave Bella and the Cullens be. Sam is right.”


I hate to say it, Jake, but I’m with Billy on this one. I like your gutsy attitude, but you’re going about this completely the wrong way. What you really need to do is go out into the middle of the woods, dig a huge pit, and then build a small but adequate high school at the bottom. Everyone knows that the Cullens are attracted to high schools like a fly is attracted to the neighbor dog’s toxic farts, or a Kate is attracted to a 24 hour IHOP. They won’t be able to resist!

Alice: Hey, guys! I smell a high school!
Jasper: Yippee! I can’t wait to take chemistry for the 294th time!
Rosalie: Let’s go sign up for classes! I love spending my immortal life constantly going to high school instead of doing something useful, like researching a cure for cancer!
Emmett: Are you all clinically retarded? This is clearly a trap. I’m going to go make bullets out of the toenails of my enemies.
Edward: I’m so excited I would piddle in my trousers, were I somehow capable of producing bodily fluids!

See? All the teenpires, sans Emmett, would fall into the pit, which you could then fill with sulfuric acid. While the four of them melted, you could go off Carlisle and Esme, which probably would not be that difficult. (I may or may not have put a lot of thought into this plan.)

But Jacob isn’t listening to reason, so he hops on his bike and rides off to the Cullen crypt. He plans to go up, ring the doorbell, and challenge Sparklepeen to a duel. Good God. He speeds down the highway at 80 mph, setting a perfect example for soon-to-be drivers, thinks about his plan, and marvels at the fact that every cop in the state of Washington is taking a coffee break at this very moment. (+1 Stupidity)

“The highway was busy with tourist traffic; I wove in and out of the cars, earning a bunch of honks and a few fingers. I took the turn onto the 101 at seventy, not bothering to look. I had to ride the line for a minute to avoid getting smeared by a minivan. Not that it would have killed me, but it would have slowed me down.”



“I knew they would hear me coming, bike or no bike, so surprise was out. There was no way to disguise my intentions. Edward would hear my plan as soon as I was close enough. Maybe he already could. But I thought this would still work out, because I had his ego on my side. He’d want to fight me alone.”


Edward’s ego? Are you pot or kettle in this situation, Jacob? (+1 Stupidity) Finally, he arrives at Casa de Cullen. As he walks up the steps, he hears “angry murmurs,” which is also going to be the new name of my avant-garde dance troupe that uses the power of dance to represent the sinking of the Titanic. (Next performance is Saturday in the Walgreens parking lot. Bring a rain poncho.)

Carlizzle opens the door before Jacob can even knock and politely tells him that now is not the greatest time for him to have a temper tantrum. But there’s some more angry murmuring in the background and it quickly becomes clear that Bella wants to see her second-choice husband. Jacob steps in and the first thing he notices is that Edward looks like it’s the day after a week-long meth binge.


“I’d seen him angry, and I’d seen him arrogant, and once I’d seen him in pain. But this—this was beyond agony. His eyes were half-crazed. He didn’t look up to glare at me. He stared down at the couch beside him with an expression like someone had lit him on fire. His hands were rigid claws at his side.”


Oohh. Not sounding too good for darling Eddiekins. Jacob thinks that there’s only one thing that could fuck him up so badly, and he turns and looks at Bella next.


“Bella was half-hidden behind the arm of the sofa, curled up in a loose fetal position, her arms wrapped around her knees. For a long second I could see nothing except that she was still the Bella that I loved, her skin still a soft, pale peach, her eyes still the same chocolate brown. My heart thudded a strange, broken meter, and I wondered if this was just some lying dream that I was about to wake up from.”


Do you see why I’m constantly questioning that Jacob really loves Bella? He sees her for the first time in like, a month, and the first thing he thinks is “damn, that girl has nice skin.” Not, “oh, I missed her smile and playing Xbox together and the way she could eat a Costco bag of peanut M&M’s in one sitting,” he just looks at her eyes and hair. Appreciation of physical attributes does not equal an epic romance, Stephykins. (+1 Stupidity)


“Then I really saw her. There were deep circles under her eyes, dark circles that jumped out because her face was all haggard. Was she thinner? Her skin seemed tight—like her  cheekbones might break right through it. Most of her dark hair was pulled away from her face into a messy knot, but a few strands stuck limply to her forehead and neck, to the sheen of sweat that covered her skin. There was something about her fingers and wrists that looked so fragile it was scary.”


So both Bella and Edward look like meth addicts. Cool. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella throws up into a trash can and Jake moves closer to her. Edward drops to his knees by Bella’s side, like a first-year drama student who hasn’t learned the meaning of subtlety. Bella then stands up to show Jacob that her eggo is very preggo. Like, extremely preggo. Like, “holy shit it looks like a couple dozen chestbursters are about to pop out of there.”

Still a better love story than… aww, forget it.

Alright. Now that I have that bit out of the way, can we just stop everything for a second? Because we need to have a serious chat about this. Should Bella really be telling Jake about her pregnancy? I mean, it needs to be kept secret. If Charlie found out, he would go insane and probably uncover the truth about the Cullens, exposing their true identities. Which means the Volturi would have to come to town and kill everyone. So yeah, Bella. Might want to put the dog out. (+1 Stupidity)

I say this because Jacob literally cannot keep a secret. He’s going to phase, and then there will be ten other people who know exactly what he does. We all know werewolves gossip shamelessly, so I estimate Charlie would know in approximately 13.9 minutes. How could he not? His only friends, beside the TV and the shattered memories of his love life, are werewolves and werewolf family members. So congrats, Bella. You just killed your father, the Cullens, and everyone else in Forks. (+1 Stupidity)

But Bella decides to ignore reason and logic so she can be a dramatic little attention whore. Either that or Meyer didn’t actually expect her readers to remember the rules of vampirism. Your pick.

Then Edward hustles Jacob out the back door so they can have a private chat.


“I looked away and then followed Edward out the front door. A random, disjointed voice in my head noted that separating him from the coven hadn’t been so difficult, had it? He kept walking, never checking to see if I was about to spring at his unprotected back. I supposed he didn’t need to check. He would know when I decided to attack. Which meant I’d have to make that decision very quickly.”


Edward then drops to his knees (again…) like a crazy man. He also looks sad and Jacob doesn’t like that. Here, read:


“For a second I was just a kid—a kid who had lived all of his life in the same tiny town. Just a child. Because I knew I would have to live a lot more, suffer a lot more, to ever understand the searing agony in Edward’s eyes. He raised a hand as if to wipe sweat from his forehead, but his fingers scraped against his face like they were going to rip his granite skin right off. His black eyes burned in their sockets, out of focus, or seeing things that weren’t there. His mouth opened like he was going to scream, but nothing came out.”


Da fuq? Barring the blatant (+1 Thesaurus Rape), why did Meyer even bother writing this? It’s like all of a sudden Nicholas Sparks or an emotionally traumatized Ed Sheeran has jumped in to write this paragraph. Jacob would not think this! He came to the Cullen place for the purpose of defeating Edward in combat and then perhaps eating his kneecaps, not to feel sorry for Eddie. Even if he did, for some weird reason, go all mushy because of Edward’s sad-face, he definitely wouldn’t stand around writing awful prose about it. (+1 Stupidity)

And as terribly silly as Jacob’s thoughts are right now, it still gets worse.

Anyways, Edward knows that Bella’s pregnancy is his fault. (Good one, Sherlock.) The thought has literally taken him to his knees in front of Jacob, which Meyer mentions over and over. Come on, Jake! Karate kick him in the chin!

Unfortunately, Jake does not karate kick Sparklepeen in the chin. He just asks why they haven’t gotten the demon spawn out of Bella yet. Edward is double-angsty becaue Bella doesn’t want a shma-shmorshin.


“Just back up a second. She won’t let you.” The sarcasm was acid on my tongue. “Did you ever notice that she’s exactly as strong as a normal hundred-and-ten pound human girl? How stupid are you vamps? Hold her down and knock her out with drugs.” “I wanted to,” he whispered. “Carlisle would have. . . .”


Well. This just speaks fucking volumes about how much these guys think about Bella. While, again, discussing abortion on the internet is right up there on my no-no list, no woman (or anyone, for that matter) should be expected to do anything to her body because someone else wants her to. Period. (+2 Red Flag for both of them)

The dudes talk more about the shma-shmortion they really want Bella to have, in a conversation I’m going to gloss over. Long story short, it’s guys versus girls. The guys want Bella to get the demon spawn out, the girls want to let her keep it. Since the girls have the boys’ balls in a vice, the baby is going to be born and Bella is going to die. (Not that I believe for a second that Bella is going to actually die. But for the story’s sake, I can pretend.)

Jacob further questions why everyone is letting Bella call the shots. ( Maybe it’s because IT’S HER FUCKING BABY, YOU DOUCHESILO.) Edward says it’s mainly because Rosalie is her new BFF (Bella Fetus deFender). The only way Edweird can think of to remedy this situation is to let Jacob have sex with his wife.

Just take a moment to let that one sink in.


“I don’t care about anything but keeping her alive,” he said, suddenly focused now. “If it’s a child she wants, she can have it. She can have half a dozen babies. Anything she wants.” He paused for one beat. “She can have puppies, if that’s what it takes.”


Yes, according to Edward-logic, the best way to fix this problem would be to convince Bella to abort the baby she has now, and try again so she can have a (semi)normal baby with Jake. (+1 Stupidity)

In case you aren’t quite understanding my utter disbelief on this, let me explain it this way: I would never let Edward Cullen petsit my Betta fish, because if it died he would try to replace it with a new one and hope I couldn’t tell the difference. And somewhere in there, he would make me have sex with a werewolf.

Even for Twilight, this is a new low. How exactly does this solve anything? How would this make Bella feel better? She wants the kid that’s in her guts now, not some other man’s child. God, this just makes me hate Edward. I’m sure I’m supposed to think that this is all tragic and shit (+1 Angst) but it really just makes me want to beat somebody over the head with my tea kettle. He’s offering to pimp out his wife in order to get what he wants, for chrissakes! What is romantic about a man promising his wife she can have a baby, but only if it’s with another man? Does Edward really think that she’s THAT disposable? That Edward wouldn’t hold it over Bella’s head the rest of their marriage? There are just SO many things WRONG with these implications!

Lord, I despise Edward Cullen. (+2 Red Flag)

And I despise Jacob Black even more for considering it. (+1 Red Flag)


“I’d fantasized about Bella that way too many times, back when there was still a possibility of us, and then long after it was clear that the fantasies would only leave festering sores because there was no possibility, none at all. I hadn’t been able to help myself then. I couldn’t stop myself now. Bella in my arms, Bella sighing my name…”


Edward pleads with Jacob some more. If Jake wants to have sex with Bella, he needs to persuade her to dump the baby she already has. Jacob thinks that this is crazy, and then gives us the line that pretty accurately sums up all my thoughts on this chapter:


“Where is this psycho crap coming from? Are you making this up as you go?”


Jacob still hates the idea. I agree. It’s rude, chauvinistic, and all-around creepy. But Edward is convinced that they need to act now, because the widdle bellyburster in Bella’s tummy is growing really fucking fast.


“Her condition… it changes so fast. The thing is… growing. Swiftly. I can’t be away from her now.” “What is it?” “None of us have any idea. But it is stronger than she is. Already.” I could suddenly see it then—see the swelling monster in my head, breaking her from the inside out. “Help me stop it,” he whispered. “Help me stop this from happening.”


Quick question: how many of you think this “rapid-growth” thing is bullshit? I mean, at the rate this is going, it’s going to be 95 pounds and a junior manager at Aeropostale by next week. What happens when the baby is born? By the time it’s three months old, it’ll be wearing bifocals and sitting on the couch, screaming at the TV during Wheel of Fortune. Is Meyer going to retcon this completely? I mean, I know this growth ordeal is necessary because she’s too lazy to write 9 months of pregnancy, but is she brave enough to bring harm against one of her own characters? Past experience says no. (+1 Stupidity)

Moving on. Jacob thinks that Edward has clearly gone off the deep end and he should just kill him now (yes!) but Edward magically convinces him that porking Bella is an okay deal (no!). And out of nowhere, Jacob agrees.

In other news, Tyler’s Van has reclaimed the #1 spot on my list of favorite characters.

Chapter Count:
Stupidity: +10
Angst: +2
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Red Flag: Edward: +4 Jacob: +3

Book Count:
Stupidity: +81
Angst: +8
Bitch: +6
Thesaurus Rape: +10
Cream Count: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Redemption: +2
Red Flag: Edward: +9 Jacob: +4

  1. loolypopgoop says:

    Wow. I’m wondering how can a book cross the “we don’t go there. EVER” line so many times and still be hailed as a ground-breaking piece of literature.
    I like the “terrible topics” section too; it shows up on the bottom of the page on my phone. I don’t know whether that’s new, or it’s always been there and I’m just the world’s worst observer 🙂 It’s good anyway!
    Anyways, a great post, I’d pick out my favourite bits but it’s late and getting hard to see straight. I loved it all! Awesomely funny!
    Looking forward to the next chapter.

    • Kate says:

      Thanks! The terrible topics were recently added, so you’re most definitely not the world’s worst observer. I added right after WordPress decided to kill the recent comments widget. Grr. I pretty much stole the idea for the terrible topics from Go check those guys out sometime, they’re great. (I’ve even done a couple guest spots on their blog.)

  2. MormonGirl says:

    Aaaand, my favourite character is lost to the dark side. Damn.
    And I really liked Jacob, too.

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