What Bella would call this chapter: Crepusculent Infirmity
Fucks I give: And a single fuck was given
Note: There will probably not be a review next week. I’m heading out of town tomorrow, and unless some kind of miracle happens, there won’t be time for me to write a new post.
Whoa! Out of absolutely nowhere, Bella has stopped narrating this book! Yes, this section of the book is being narrated by Jacob, which is awesome for a few reasons. For one, we don’t have to pretend to care about Sparklepeen’s marbley biceps anymore, nor do we have to hear Bella yap about her miserable life. Plus, the chapter titles are fucking awesome. So, as you may have noticed, I’m changing the way I rename chapters for this particular section.
The downside of this sudden switch in narration is that we now have to pretend to care about how awesome Bella is and hear Jacob yap (howl?) about his miserable life. Poop. still, I suppose I would rather listen to him than Bella. Onward!
“Jeez, Paul, don’t you freaking have a home of your own?” Paul, lounging across my whole couch, watching some stupid baseball game on my crappy TV, just grinned at me and then—real slow—he lifted one Dorito from the bag in his lap and wedged it into his mouth in one piece.”
In usual Twilight fashion, the section kicks off with a tiny whimper. Jacob is hanging out with Paul. Damn, I forgot this guy even existed, it’s been so long since the wolves were mentioned. Oh and there are some new wolves in the pack, too. I don’t know their names so let’s just call them Walrus and Mike 2.
Paul is at Jacob’s house because he imprinted on Jacob’s sister. Whoa, I forgot Jake even had a sister. I think that this is the second time in four books that his sister’s even been mentioned. But yeah, Paul used his imprintmanshipping wizard power on Jacob’s sister and they’re totally in love, which for some reason gives Paul the right to sit on Jacob’s couch all day. For some reason they start squabbling and Jake breaks Paul’s nose for funsies in a scene that singlehandedly managed to have more action that the entirety of New Moon . Paul heals himself and everything is cool again.
“Wasn’t it bad enough that yet another member of the pack had imprinted— because, really, that made four of ten now! When would it stop? Stupid myth was supposed to be rare, for crying out loud! All this mandatory love-at-first-sight was completely sickening!”
Jacob really needs to get over Bella. Or just get laid. (+1 Stupidity)
“When Rachel’d come home from Washington State at the end of the summer semester—graduated early, the nerd—my biggest worry’d been that it would be hard keeping the secret around her. I wasn’t used to covering things up in my own home. It made me real sympathetic to kids like Embry and Collin, whose parents didn’t know they were werewolves. Embry’s mom thought he was going through some kind of rebellious stage. He was permanently grounded for constantly sneaking out, but, of course, there wasn’t much he could do about that.”
Wait, what? I thought when you became a werewolf that you and your immediate family got the whole story? (+1 Stupidity) Jacob heads off to his room to mope about Bella. He knows that Bella is becoming a vampire soon, and wonders what cover story the Cullens will use to explain her sudden disappearance. Does it even matter? We all know how much attention Charlie paid to his daughter. He’s probably already put a new 60 inch flatscreen tv and a pool table in Bella’s old room. At this point, I’m pretty sure Bella could flat out tell Chuck about vampires, and he would probably just nod and watch baseball.
“This waiting was driving me insane. It had been almost four weeks. I’d expected, one way or another, the news would have come by now. I’d sat up nights imagining what form it would take. Charlie sobbing on the phone—Bella and her husband lost in an accident. A plane crash? That would be hard to fake. Unless the leeches didn’t mind killing a bunch of bystanders to authenticate it, and why would they? Maybe a small plane instead. They probably had one of those to spare.”
There are two things I think about this, the first being, oh, Bella! You touched the lives of so many people in this charmingly quaint town! How will they ever find the strength to go on without you? Right. Bella lived in Forks for barely two years and spoke to about three people who weren’t the Cullens. I’m sure everyone will be just fine. (+1 Stupidity)
Also, Jacob needs to man up. It’s not like he didn’t know this was coming. Rather, he should have known he never had a chance back when Bella ditched him for the slightest chance at some sparkle. Jacob is wallowing in his own self-pity, and we all know how I feel about characters who wallow in self-pity. (+1 Angst) It’s time to move on, Jake. Like, I knew that the series finale of 30 Rock was coming from quite a ways off, and while I was sad for a while, I still moved on. I’m not lying on my bed curled up in the fetal position, nor am I taking long walks down the beach mourning the my loss of Jack Donaghy.
But sadly, Jacob is not me and he lays on his bed and thinks about how the Cullens will try to unnecessarily conceal Bella’s vampirization.
“It would be hard to find them if they didn’t want to be found. Of course, I had forever to look. If you had forever, you could check out every single piece of straw in the haystack, one by one, to see if it was the needle.”
Uhh, Meyer? You would not find straw in a haystack. That’s why it’s called a HAYstack. Dumbass. (+1 Stupidity)
Whatevs. To summarize the rest of Jake’s internal monologue, he really hopes that the Cullens will come back sometime, even if Bella is dead, because then they will have broken the treaty that states biting of any kind as prohibited. And then, the wolves will have a convenient excuse to kill them all.
After this, we get three paragraphs describing what Jacob is listening to (+1 Stupidity). He then decides to take a long introspective walk down the beach.
Can we just hold up a sec? Meyer, while I was willing to let it slide that this whole switch in narration was completely unprecedented and kind of fucks up the whole rhythm of the book, I can’t let this one go. I’m okay if you want to try writing as Jacob, Steph. What I’m not okay with is you writing Bella and then changing a couple words to make it look like you’re writing Jacob. (+1 Stupidity)
“I paced down to the shore, my fists in my pockets. Nobody looked at me twice when I went through the dirt lot by First Beach. That was one nice thing about summer—no one cared if you wore nothing but shorts. I followed the familiar voice I’d heard and found Quil easy enough. He was on the south end of the crescent, avoiding the bigger part of the tourist crowd. He kept up a constant stream of warnings.”
Yes, Quil is on a date with a three year old. I am not joking.
“Keep out of the water, Claire. C’mon. No, don’t. Oh! Nice, kid. Seriously, do you want Emily to yell at me? I’m not bringing you back to the beach again if you don’t—Oh yeah? Don’t—ugh. You think that’s funny, do you? Hah! Who’s laughing now, huh?”
The two lovebirds are playing on the beach. Alone. Claire’s wonderful mom, who thinks it’s wise to let her daughter date shirtless teenage boys, is away, probably buying crystal meth for underprivileged kids while vandalizing retirement homes and feeding lead paint to puppies. We get the impression that Quil spends most of his free time “babysitting” little Claire. I…I don’t know what to say. This is so wrong that it physically hurts. (+1 Stupidity)
“Gone, gone, gone,” Claire sang, “Cwaire pway wid Qwil aaaawl day. Cwaire nebber gowin home.” She let go of me and ran to Quil. He scooped her up and slung her onto his shoulders.”
This is so unnecessary it isn’t even funny. This goes beyond standard baby talk. This child must have a serious speech impediment. (+1 Stupidity) Jacob then asks if Quil if he ever wants to date around, until, you know, Claire is old enough to tie her shoelaces. Quil is aghast at this notion, because widdle Cwaire is his one and only tru wuv. Jacob kind of gets this; he can’t even look at other girls without thinking of Bella.
Maybe this was already answered and I didn’t care, but why does Jacob love Bella so much, anyways? Bella’s not exactly the life of the party, and Jacob knows she’s way into his mortal enemy. She’s never really done anything for Jacob. She ditches him at the quickest opportunity to get some sparkle. According to her, she’s plain ( which means she’s exceedingly beautiful, so maybe that counts?) and her hobbies extend only as far as complaining about who’s going to drive her everywhere. If I were a dude, I would probably not be into this girl. Real dudes will have to give me their opinion.
Back to the story. Thankfully for just about everyone, Sam interrupts Quil’s date by howling. Jacob prepares to wolf out, while Quil goes off to find his girlfriend some parental supervision.
“And then I was conscious of an audience. I was not alone in my thoughts. So self-absorbed all the time, Leah thought. Yeah, no hypocrisy there, Leah, I thought back. Can it, guys, Sam told us. We fell silent, and I felt Leah’s wince at the word guys. Touchy, like always. Sam pretended not to notice. Where’s Quil and Jared? Quil’s got Claire. He’s taking her to the Clearwaters’. Good. Sue will take her. Jared was going to Kim’s, Embry thought. Good chance he didn’t hear you.”
There’s wooden banter and some teasing and Leah doesn’t like the word “guys” for reasons I can’t explain. Hell, I call most of my female friends “guys”. Maybe it’s one of those things you need to be in truly true love to understand.
“I sped up, wanting to be there. I heard Leah move faster, too. She hated being outrun. Being the fastest was the only edge she claimed. Claim this, moron, she hissed, and then she really kicked it into gear. I dug my nails into the loam and shot myself forward.”
So, loam means dirt or earth. (I googled it.) So, why not say that? Better question: why would Jacob not say that? The only people who use the word loam are hoity-toity writers with death grips on their thesauruses and someone with a speech impediment asking for a loan. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
The werewolves assemble, sans Quil and Jared. Sam then pipes up to confirm Jacob’s worst fear: Charlie has called Billy with bad news of Bella.
“She told him she’s sick. Carlisle got on and told Charlie that Bella picked up some rare disease in South America. Said she’s quarantined. Charlie’s going crazy, ’cause even he’s not allowed to see her. He says he doesn’t care if he gets sick, but Carlisle wouldn’t bend. No visitors. Told Charlie it was pretty serious, but that he’s doing everything he can. Charlie’s been stewing about it for days, but he only called Billy now. He said she sounded worse today.”
We, as readers, know that Bella is in fact not a vampire yet, and is instead knocked up with some rapidly-growing demon spawn. Jacob doesn’t know this, and is ready to go over and kill all the Cullens right now. The rest of the pack isn’t on board yet, saying that there’s no definitive proof – maybe she really is sick. Perhaps Eddie’s glitter glue gave her a tummyache.
“Enough, Jacob. You’re overruled. Sam’s mental voice changed, took on that strange double timbre that we could not disobey. The voice of the Alpha. He met the gaze of every wolf in the circle. The pack is not attacking the Cullens without provocation.”
Jake decides he’s had enough and turns to run away. Really, Jake? This shit again? why don’t you stop running away and actually confront your problems for one? I swear to Bacon, I’m going to start calling you Bella before long. (+1 Angst)
“Sam had made a very clear ruling. The pack would not attack the Cullens. Okay. He hadn’t mentioned an individual acting alone. Nope, the pack wasn’t attacking anyone today. But I was.”
Well, I’m cheering.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +8
Cream Count: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +5 Jacob: +1