What this chapter should be called: Forget the last three books ever happened
Fucks I give: 1
In this chapter, the amount of reasons to hate Bella skyrocketed. We all know I’ve never waved around a Team Bella flag, mostly because she’s annoying and stupid, but this chapter really does it for me. Everything just kind of reaches the tipping point. It’s like losing her V-card has caused Bella to do a complete 180 attitude-wise. It’s pointless and it pisses me off. But more on that later.
“My entertainment became the number-one priority on Isle Esme. We snorkeled (well, I snorkeled while he flaunted his ability to go without oxygen indefinitely). We explored the small jungle that ringed the rocky little peak. We visited the parrots that lived in the canopy on the south end of the island. We watched the sunset from the rocky western cove. We swam with the porpoises that played in the warm, shallow waters there. Or at least I did; when Edward was in the water, the porpoises disappeared as if a shark was near.”
Each day, Edward takes Bella out to do some exotic fun thing, mostly some cliched stuff that people “in love” do, and each night Bella is completely exhausted. This is all part of Sparklepeen’s ploy to keep her mind off sex. Bella is going mad from the lack of sexytimes. She’s even taken to prancing around the house in the lingerie. Yes, Bella “Sweatpants” Swan has started doing something she hates in a desperate attempt to get some. (+1 Stupidity) Edward pretends not to notice anything, and the two remain PG-13. But Bella is not ready to give up. She’s tasted the thrusting hips of death, and she needs more. She even ups the ante by offering to stay human and go to college in exchange for intercourse.
“Well, I was thinking… I know that the whole Dartmouth thing was just supposed to be a cover story, but honestly, one semester of college probably wouldn’t kill me,” I said, echoing his words from long ago, when he’d tried to persuade me to put off becoming a vampire. “Charlie would get a thrill out of Dartmouth stories, I bet. Sure, it might be embarrassing if I can’t keep up with all the brainiacs. Still…eighteen, nineteen. It is really not such a big difference. It’s not like I’m going to get crow’s feet in the next year.”
Jesus H. Christ, Meyer! Do you want me to just disregard everything you’ve written in the last three books? “Bella wants to be a vampire, Bella wants to be beautiful, Bella wants to fuck someone”?!? Did that mean nothing? (+1 Stupidity)
Imagine if someone told you, “I need a banana! Now, or else my entire world will end!” And you dropped everything you were doing, sold your home, crossed two countries, and sacrificed a virgin to Cthulu to get an banana, then came back to them and they said, “I really don’t want that banana anymore.” How would you feel?!? You would really want to punch someone named Bella in the face, wouldn’t you? (+1 Stupidity)
Bella defends her new attitude towards humanity by saying something about love and souls and all that bullshit. But there are really just two reasons Bella wants to stay human:
1. She’s horny. Now that she knows how neat sex feels, she can’t get enough. It doesn’t matter that she apparently loses consciousness in the middle of the act and doesn’t notice Eddie ripping large chunks out of the headboard (more on that later). She just doesn’t want to become a blood-craving lunatic in case that messes up her libido or something. And you know, that almost makes sense, except for that it goes against Bella’s ideology and character. It’s kind of like if Indiana Jones said, “I don’t want to have adventures anymore. Archaeology sucks. I’m just going to sit on my couch and play Bioshock because I just found out how awesome Bioshock is.” (+1 Stupidity)
2. Meyer doesn’t know what else to do. I think this is the main reason. Chapter after chapter, I keep shrieking that everything would be perfect if someone would just vamp Bella up already. Meyer is keeping Bella human mainly so she can knock out another book with practically zero effort. (+1 Stupidity)
Asides from this, the fact that Bella has warped her opinions just so she can get some and practically has to beg her husband for sex just doesn’t sit right with me. If you have to beg for sex, you’re either in a poor relationship or a very well-paid prostitute. (+1 Red Flag)
Moving on. Bella mentions that she’s been having nightmares. They’re all about a rosy-cheeked little boy who is implied to be a vampire baby. Meyer makes it a point to tell us that Bella has dreamed about babies every night, and she’s also been tired and hungry all the time. Gee, I wonder why. Bella goes to sleep, then wakes up in the middle of the night, bawling from a scary dream.
“To my utter astonishment, tears overflowed from my eyes without warning, gushing down my face. “Bella!” he said—louder, alarmed now. “What’s wrong?” He wiped the tears from my hot cheeks with cold, frantic fingers, but others followed. “It was only a dream.” I couldn’t contain the low sob that broke in my voice. The senseless tears were disturbing, but I couldn’t get control of the staggering grief that gripped me. I wanted so badly for the dream to be real.”
I read on, and I’m still not sure what the dream was about. I think Bella was either dreaming of having sex with Edward or had won a butler named Sir Tibblesworth in a raffle. Don’t know, don’t care. Bella sobs her eyes out, and Edward doesn’t know what to do, so they have sex.
Edward kind of sucks at solving problems, doesn’t he?
Bella: Drat, we’re out of spaghetti sauce.
Edward: *removes shoes*
Bella: And my favorite sock got a hole in it.
Edward: *unbuttons shirt*
Bella: I also think the bathroom faucet is a little leaky.
Edward: *steps out of pants*
Bella: *turns around* What the hell are you doing? Put your pants back on and go buy some more spaghetti sauce. Yeesh.
“I stayed very still when I woke up in the morning and tried to keep my breathing even. I was afraid to open my eyes. I was lying across Edward’s chest, but he was very still and his arms were not wrapped around me. That was a bad sign. I was afraid to admit I was awake and face his anger—no matter whom it was directed at today.”
Edward isn’t really angry, just disappointed in himself. Whatever. I don’t care about your precious feelings, Eddiekins. (+1 Angst) It turns out that Bella has been asleep for nearly twelve hours, and she feels dizzy and woozy when she sits up. Bella has no bruises, and the pillows have remained intact. But, the headboard has been ripped to pieces and the bedframe is broken. Bella is surprised by all of this. WTF?
“I followed his gaze and was shocked to see that large chunks of wood had apparently been gouged from the left side of the headboard. “Hmm.” I frowned. “You’d think I would have heard that.”
What? How does Bella not notice the bed being destroyed, while she’s laying on it? Did Edward’s sparkling man-carrot render her unconscious or something? Or is the vampy sex just really that good? Sheesh. If Bella ever needs her wisdom teeth taken out, don’t bother giving her any anesthesia. Just boink her until she falls asleep.
They lay on the bed and giggle about their wild night and the broken bed. Oh, and Bella eats breakfast, which happens to be eggs.
“Do you know how many eggs you’ve gone through in the last week?” He pulled the trash bin out from under the sink—it was full of empty blue cartons. “Weird,” I said after swallowing a scorching bite. “This place is messing with my appetite.”
So, Bella has eaten a lot of eggs, is dizzy, tired all the time, and dreams about infants? I’m half expecting the next paragraph to go, ” Rabbits are a fertility symbol and I suddenly want to own one. Isn’t that funny? Also, I wonder what it would be like to have a tiny human being with half of my DNA growing inside me. That would be kind of cool. And I think I missed my period. Probably because I’m in love.” (+1 Stupidity)
Moving on. Dartmouth is briefly discussed, and then the house cleaners show up.
“He laughed. “Can you hold on to that thought? I hear a boat. The cleaning crew must be here.”
Wait a minute. Housecleaners? In the middle of the day? In a house full of windows? Remember how all vampires glitter like a disco ball under bright sunlight? A thousand internetz to the person who can explain to me how the cleaning crew conveniently doesn’t notice Edward sparkling up a storm. I’m calling shenanigans on this one, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)
This little Brazilian couple comes in to clean up the house. The lady is somewhat freaked out by Bella and Edward’s presence. Edward explains that she’s part Ticuna indian, so she’s superstitious and probably has a fairly good idea of what Edward is.
“Kaure’s part Ticuna Indian. She was raised to be more superstitious—or you could call it more aware—than those who live in the modern world. She suspects what I am, or close enough.” He still didn’t sound worried. “They have their own legends here. The Libishomen—a blood-drinking demon who preys exclusively on beautiful women.”
Okay, I give Meyer props for finding a real tribe to use and not bastardizing it horribly (+1 Redemption), but I really tried to find stuff on the Libishomen. I really did. Seriously, I went to like, the fourth page on my Google search. I couldn’t find a damn thing. That’s because it doesn’t exist. The correct word is Lobishomen. The Lobishomen is a short little bald creature, could hardly be referred to as a vampire, and certainly doesn’t prey exclusively on beautiful women. Hell, the word originated in Portugal, where it referred to a werewolf, not a vampire. Lord almighty, Meyer. You could have Googled “Brazilian myth vampire” and had loads of information at your disposal. (+1 Stupidity)
Ugh. The cleaning crew finishes up and Bedward lays around on the couch for awhile. They then head off to the bedroom for some more mattress gymnastics as I wonder if Meyer actually has a plot in mind or just enjoys killing trees.
Red Flag: Edward: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +7
Cream Count: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +3 Jacob: +1