What this chapter should be called: This is the one with sex
Fucks I give: -4
Even though this is the part with the sex, for a decent portion of the chapter, I wasn’t sure if they actually did the deed or just did a really intense round of yoga. Sure, sex is alluded to in a wacky, roundabout way, but Meyer never actually types the letters S-E-X together. I’m pretty sure they did the nasty, because Edward mentioned “making love.” Though, they could have gone to a Build-A-Bear factory and made a teddy named “Love”, in which case the phrase has a new, pathetic meaning.
Anyways, we pick up with Bella and Edward heading off to their super-secret honeymoon destination. The first flight is to Houston, which Edward says is just going to be a pit stop. From there, they hop on a plane to Rio de Janeiro.
“The flight to South America was long but comfortable in the wide first-class seat, with Edward’s arms cradled around me. I slept myself out and awoke unusually alert as we circled toward the airport with the light of the setting sun slanting through the plane’s windows.”
Well, I suppose the upside of this is that I get to play “20 minutes on Google Maps”, which is by far my favorite thing to do with these books. Let’s see: we’ll say that Bedward leaves Forks at 9:00 PM, hitting minimal traffic on the way to Seatac, arriving at about 11:00. After checking in, going through security, and waiting a little for the plane, they’re in the air by 12:30. The flight to Houston is about 5 hours long, and with time changes, we’ll say they’re on the ground at 9:00 AM.
Since we already know that Emmett is an Expedia wizard, we’ll say Bedward is back in the air at 10 AM. This is where we start having problems. For one, Expedia can’t find a direct flight from Houston to Rio without at least one stop with a 15+ hour layover. (+1 Stupidity) But whatever, the Cullens are too good for layovers and for whatever reason they get a direct flight to Rio. The flight itself is only about two and a half hours long. With another time change, they’re in Rio by 3:00 PM at the very latest. (+1 Stupidity) Research FTW!!!
Oh, and were you guys wondering about how Edward wasn’t sparkling in the rays of that (nonexistent) setting sun? So was I. Here are my guesses:
1. Meyer is an idiot.
2. Meyer thinks we’re all idiots.
3. I skipped the part where Edward says, “Hey, Lambykins, my skin doesn’t sparkle when I’m at least 1,000 feet above sea level on a Saturday because love. Isn’t that nice?”
4. Mike Newton caught a troll that granted him shape-shifting powers and he took Edward’s place when no one was looking.
Whichever one you choose to believe, plot holes! (+1 Stupidity)
Anyways, back to the actual chapter. They catch a cab in Rio, and head down to the docks. From there, they get on a boat that presumably belongs to the Cullens. Since it’s a Cullen boat, it’s the nicest damn boat that’s ever floated.
“The boat he stopped at was smaller than the others, sleeker, obviously built for speed instead of space. Still luxurious, though, and more graceful than the rest. He leaped in lightly, despite the heavy bags he carried. He dropped those on the deck and turned to help me carefully over the edge. I watched in silence while he prepared the boat for departure, surprised at how skilled and comfortable he seemed, because he’d never mentioned an interest in boating before. But then again, he was good at just about everything.”
Of course Edward is good at boating, because Edward. They start up the boat and head out into the open ocean. After a while, Bella gets curious as to where they’re going. Edward tells her to shut her bitch mouth and wait another half-hour. Twenty minutes later, Edward gives Bella permission to speak again, and points out something on the horizon.
“I saw only blackness at first, and the moon’s white trail across the water. But I searched the space where he pointed until I found a low black shape breaking into the sheen of moonlight on the waves. As I squinted into the darkness, the silhouette became more detailed. The shape grew into a squat, irregular triangle, with one side trailing longer than the other before sinking into the waves. We drew closer, and I could see the outline was feathery, swaying to the light breeze.”
After the island is described in more gushing detail, (+1 Thesaurus Rape), we learn the island is called the Isle Esme, and it was a gift from Carlisle. Okay, I need to get a couple things straight. First, Carlisle owns a private island and has somehow managed to keep it a secret from the world? I call shenanigans. (+1 Stupidity)
Second, and most important, If the Cullens have their own damn island, why they hell don’t they live there all the time, away from humans, temptation, and danger?!? Why must the Cullens live amongst us? Carlisle may enjoy working as a doctor, but as I’ve said before, the rest of the clan are nothing but moochers and slackers. They could be living on their own island in the sun, but instead choose to live in rainy, depressing Forks. I guess the Cullens just hate nice things.(+1 Stupidity)
Edward plops the luggage on the dock and sweeps Bella into his arms, because she’s not allowed to walk anywhere. They go into a gigundo house, which is decked out in all white because white is good, never forget. They stop in a room with a giant bed and Bella nearly has a panic attack right then and there. Thankfully, Edward senses that she’s about to go full meltdown, and leaves to give her a “human moment,” which I assume is a reference to a joke that stopped being funny back in book 1. He also suggests a midnight skinny dip.
“His lips brushed down my neck to the tip of my shoulder. “I’ll wait for you in the water.” He walked past me to the French door that opened right onto the beach sand. On the way, he shrugged out of his shirt, dropping it on the floor, and then slipped through the door into the moonlit night. The sultry, salty air swirled into the room behind him. Did my skin burst into flames? I had to look down to check. Nope, nothing was burning. At least, not visibly.”
Bella pops open the suitcase filled with things that Alice packed for her. The majority of it is lingerie, which makes Bella panic even more. She goes and takes a shower while telling us all what it’s like to be nervous. Why is Bella nervous again? It’s not like she hasn’t been wanting this since day one. She chose her path, and now it’s time to strut down it in some French lingerie. (+1 Stupidity) But instead, she’s in a ball on the floor and telling us what fear feels like. WTF?
“How did people do this—swallow all their fears and trust someone else so implicitly with every imperfection and fear they had—with less than the absolute commitment Edward had given me? If it weren’t Edward out there, if I didn’t know in every cell of my body that he loved me as much as I loved him— unconditionally and irrevocably and, to be honest, irrationally—I’d never be able to get up off this floor.”
Bella’s raging insecurity crops up right now, even though she’s been trying to bang Sparklepeen’s marbley ass for two books. I don’t understand, and I probably never will. (I’m going to assume what Bella’s feeling is similar to when the waiter is walking towards your table with food but it turns out it isn’t yours.) Finally, she gets up off the floor and heads out to Edward.
“He wasn’t hard to find. He stood, his back to me, waist deep in the midnight water, staring up at the oval moon. The pallid light of the moon turned his skin a perfect white, like the sand, like the moon itself, and made his wet hair black as the ocean. He was motionless, his hands resting palms down against the water; the low waves broke around him as if he were a stone. I stared at the smooth lines of his back, his shoulders, his arms, his neck, the flawless shape of him.…”
Of course he’s waist-deep in the water; there can be no allusions to naughty bits in this book. Despite this, she still manages to go on about him for a full paragraph. (+1 Cream Count) Right now, Meyer could not be more cliched if she tried.
Bella drops the towel, shows the world her plumbing, and joins Eddie in the water. They hug. The talk about souls. They talk about forever. And then…
The sex scene that I’ve been waiting a book and a half for doesn’t happen.
Words cannot express – actually, they can. This chapter can go suck a big bag of sparkling dicks for not delivering. Seriously, I wasn’t expecting an all-out lemon, but this? This is disappointing. Meyer, you’ve been taunting us with this for over 400 pages. Why the hell did you chicken out? There are plenty of ways to write sex, without being overly explicit or tasteless. This is like promising a little kid an ice cream sundae, waiting a couple weeks, and then giving him a single scoop of shitty, low-fat vanilla dairy product. I feel cheated.
But I will keep calm. I will keep writing. I will not burn my computer to erase all evidence that I ever read this book. And I will never, ever, ever, forgive Meyer for robbing me of some vampire sexy times. (+1 Stupidity)
Now that I’ve got that out of my system, I think it’s time we have a mature discussion about vampire sex. I’ve composed a short list of questions that I’d really like to have answered. I know this may seem like I’m a filthy hypocrite, asking where the vampy love was and then listing all the reasons why it’s stupid, I get it. But Meyer has been teasing me for so damn long, I was expecting a lot more that what actually was. It was a letdown, and no matter how stupid the idea of bloodsucker coitus is, I’m eternally disappointed that Meyer didn’t have the cojones to write it. Now, for my questions:
1. How can Meyerpire intercourse even come close to feeling good?
This has been weighing on my mind for awhile, now. We all know that Meyerpires are not mushy like humans. When Bedward does normal hugging, I let it slide because Bella can still hold on tight to Sparklepeen like he’s a statue. It’s strange and it must feel like she’s groping a street lamp, but I suppose it’s possible. And when they make out, Bella must feel like she’s kissing my pencil sharpener: it’s sharp, unpleasant, and tastes like squirrel blood. (+1 Stupidity)
2. How is Edward able to get it up?
The dude has no blood flow, which last time I checked, was kind of necessary for this! Is his dick just in a perma-boner or something? That would be awkward. Or is it – nope, I’m done. Not even going down this road. (+1 Stupidity)
Back to the text. Bella awakens, feeling like a new woman from all the implied sex she had. Her tummy grumbles, and she giggles. Ha ha ha, “human” moments are funny! Sadly, Edward is not basking in post-coitus bliss.
“I laughed again. “You just can’t escape being human for very long.” I waited, but he did not laugh with me. Slowly, sinking through the many layers of bliss that clouded my head, came the realization of a different atmosphere outside my own glowing sphere of happiness. I opened my eyes; the first thing I saw was the pale, almost silvery skin of his throat, the arc of his chin above my face. His jaw was taut. I propped myself up on my elbow so I could see his face.”
As I sit inside my stupidity-proof sphere of snark (+1 Thesaurus Rape), I’m starting to realize Edward is about to throw a major snit. It turns out that Eddie wasn’t so thrilled with the special hug. He’s turned into the mope master because Bella is sporting a couple bruises. Oh, and she’s also covered in feathers, because Edward bit a couple pillows during the orgasmic haze.
“Under the dusting of feathers, large purplish bruises were beginning to blossom across the pale skin of my arm. My eyes followed the trail they made up to my shoulder, and then down across my ribs. I pulled my hand free to poke at a discoloration on my left forearm, watching it fade where I touched and then reappear. It throbbed a little.”
Oh. Well, that’s not too bad. I was expecting to see that Bella had lost a leg, or that maybe her toe had been sewn to her armpit. Instead, it’s a couple bruises. Bella reassures him that everything is alright, which causes him to apologize profusely and hide his face in the covers. (+1 Angst) Huh. Like, is this going to be the conflict of the novel? Eddie can’t control his kick-butt pelvic thrusts and has the crippling inability to listen to his spouse?
Bella continues to state that the bruises are fine, nothing compared to the special hug they shared the night before. (They fit together perfeeectlyyyy!1!!1!) Edward continues to sit there like a bump on a log, not believing her and thinking she’s far more injured than she actually is. Bella absolutely flips her shit.
“Now—well, I’m sort of pissed, actually.” “You should be angry at me.” “Well, I am. Does that make you feel better?” He sighed. “No. I don’t think anything could make me feel better now.” “That,” I snapped. “That right there is why I’m angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward.”
Well, wah wah wah. Poor Bella gets exactly what she wanted and it’s still not enough. (+1 Bitch) Perhaps now she wants a jacket made of okapi leather, her very own Batmobile, a puppy that never gets old, and an unreleased Metallica album. And what’s even worse is Edward’s attitude about the whole situation. Bella is still in one piece. He didn’t break her bones. Her toes have not been sewn to her armpits. Everything is fine. So why is he still acting like someone shot his kitten?
Bella suggests that maybe Edward should stop being a little bitch, which sends him off on a rant about passion, control, and desire.
“Did you expect this, Bella? Were you anticipating that I would hurt you? Were you thinking it would be worse? Do you consider the experiment a success because you can walk away from it? No broken bones—that equals a victory?”
I will say this about Breaking Dawn: it was an impressive 95 pages before I headdesked so hard I saw stars and had to stop reading for five minutes.
Bella keeps insisting that Edward’s dick must be magic, because she’s never felt this good in her life. Edward admits that he too feels completely awesome and blissed out. (If this is their reaction to vanilla sex, I hope they never try LSD.)
Edward explains that he was bracing himself, because he talked to Carlisle about sex right after he agreed to marry and then boink Bella.
“I also asked him what I should expect. I didn’t know what it would be for me… what with my being a vampire.” He smiled halfheartedly. “Carlisle told me it was a very powerful thing, like nothing else. He told me physical love was something I should not treat lightly. With our rarely changing temperaments, strong emotions can alter us in permanent ways. But he said I did not need to worry about that part—you had already altered me so completely…I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second only to drinking human blood.”
Damn. Vampires don’t sound passionate at all when it comes to sex. If I only skimmed this passage, I could assume that they’re talking about buying furniture or deciding between Pizza Hut and Domino’s. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella stands up to go take a shower and Edward loses his shit again, because bruises. Someone needs to tell him that bruises are nearly always a part of the post-coital splendor. Bella goes off on a rant on how Edward needs to chill the fuck out, a rant that I think is about three books too late.
“You listen to me, Edward Cullen. I am not pretending anything for your sake, okay? I didn’t even know there was a reason to make you feel better until you started being all miserable.”
Finally, it starts to get through Edward’s thick, marbley skull that everything is fine. Correct me if I’m wrong, but why is there even a problem here? Like, wouldn’t their first attempt at having a special hug be the most dangerous because Sparklepeen didn’t really know what to do? And now that we know Bella is fine, albeit bruised, isn’t that a sign that these two can get it on again and again? There’s no problem here. (+1 Stupidity) I feel like all these books are based around making problems when there are none.
Uck. Bella showers while Edward makes her some food. She eats, while he sits around, all jumpy, like he’s about to be put on trial. They finally strike up conversation, and sex is worked back to in a roundabout way.
“He paused, lifting his chin slightly. And then he spoke again with firm conviction. “I will not make love with you until you’ve been changed. I will never hurt you again.”
Because all good marriages start with the husband making decrees. (+1 Red Flag) Boom. End of chapter.
You know, I bet this chapter would be fuckin’ hilarious if you listened to Lady Gaga’s “Lovegame” while reading.
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Cream Count: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +7
Cream Count: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +2 Jacob: +1