What this chapter should be called: Jacob’s back!
Fucks I give: 3
This chapter mainly focuses on Bella’s intense desire to share a special hug with Edward, when there are clearly much more important things going on. (Note above.) Bella’s insistence on sex before her vampirization baffles me. Like, baffles me to the point where I’m actually staying up at night trying to figure it out. (Which is, to date, the most pathetic thing I’ve ever written.) If anyone can explain this to me, I’ll give you a shoulder rub. A good one, too. I mean, there are many things in this book I don’t understand (like Alice’s powers and how Mike has not been arrested because he’s clearly a serial killer), but this one takes the cake. It’s ridiculous. It’s double-ridiculous.
First off, we already know it’s dangerous. Edward could lose control and kill her with his burning passion and naked ass. Also, he’s a virgin, so he doesn’t really know what he’s doing. He’s going to put his deadly vampire wang in the wrong hole or do something gross with his tongue. I have a theory that sex is like making blueberry pancakes: your first try is a total mess, your next few aren’t much better, and you need some practice to get things perfect. Only, in Sparklepeen’s situation, he won’t end up with a plate of doughy, berry-smeared wrecks that aren’t cooked on the inside. He’s going to end up with a bloody pile of Bella’s dismembered limbs. Can you see why this might just be a bad idea? Call me a prude, but if someone told me my first time would end up like that, I would probably sit it out and spend the night watching Dr. Who on Netflix.
And there are plenty of other reasons for Bella to wait. For example, what’s so great about human sex? Vampires are better doctors, athletes, and lullaby authors, so one might assume they’re better in the sack, too. Unless I missed the part where Esme tells Bella, “gurl, you better get it on while you can, because vampire sex is scratchy and boring.” On the other hand, if sex as a vamp is awesome, just turn her in to one now! There is absolutely zero reasons to wait! Is it really that important for Bella to still have a heartbeat when she first gazes upon Edward’s man-carrot?!? Just turn her into a vampire now so the rest of this book can be about Jacob and Emmett trying to retrieve a magic wand from McNuts the cackle-witch, who lives in a waterpark overrun by giant bats and anthropomorphic bananas.
This whole fiasco is amazingly stupid. I’m giving it five points, which probably isn’t even close to enough. (+5 Stupidity)
So, the actual content of this chapter starts right where the last one left off. The sun is setting as the reception starts, which is good because now the Cullens and the Denalis won’t be sparkling like Lady Gaga’s bedazzled spleen.
“It was just twilight over the river; the ceremony had lasted exactly the right amount of time, allowing the sun to set behind the trees. The lights in the trees glimmered as Edward led me through the glass back doors, making the white flowers glow.”
Okay, Bella says she could clearly see the sun setting, which means there are no clouds, which means it was previously sunny outside. If I remember correctly, the Cullen house has a glass wall. How did the Cullens and Denalis not start glittering? Meyer really has written herself into a corner with this whole deal. She could have given a reason why vamps could walk around during the day, but she didn’t, and now she expects us to just gloss over the whole issue. (+1 Stupidity) This is like a five year-old trying to flush the cat down the toilet and trying to divert attention by telling everyone he can count to 500. Does she really think we’ll assume we aren’t supposed to ask these questions? I guess, but I’m also not supposed to eat cookies for dinner, so there.
Moving on. Seth’s family and Billy have come to Bella’s wedding. That was sure nice of them. Seth and Eddie share a very manly side-hug while Bella is congratulated by her fake friends. All her fake friends have boy/girlfriends, which I would find not quite right if this was any other author. Oh, and now we get to meet Bella’s new cousins, the Denalis. Edward dodges a hug from Tanya, which makes Bella’s insecurities flare back up.
“Tanya was every bit as lovely as my worst nightmares had predicted. She eyed me with a look that was much more speculative than it was resigned, and then reached out to take my hand.”
Tanya introduces the three vampires with her (Carmen, Eleazar, and Name-buddy) and apologizes for not meeting Bella sooner.
“Welcome to the family, Bella.” She smiled, a little rueful. “We consider ourselves Carlisle’s extended family, and I am sorry about the, er, recent incident when we did not behave as such. We should have met you sooner. Can you forgive us?”
Oh, no problem, Tanya. It’s not like you left your “extended family” to die at the hands of a vampire swarm. No big deal, honestly. Your epically heartfelt apology has convinced me that you’re an okay person. You and your family of cowards are redefining the definitions of friendship, yessir. (+1 Stupidity)
There’s about a paragraph describing all the typical wedding traditions. Bedward cuts the cake, and many pictures are taken. The happy couple eats the first slices, Bella whines that the cake is too fancy (+1 Bitch) and watches as Edward “manfully” eats his. Not exactly a word I would use to describe a teenage undead virgin, but whatever toasts your bagels, Meyer. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella throws the bouquet, has her garter removed by Edward, and spends too much time narrating pointless events to the annoyed reader.
We finally get to a touching moment where Bella dances with her dad and for a few brief sentences the Swans actually seem like a loving family. Charlie wishes Bella good luck and Bella frets that he’ll have no one to cook and clean for him. Then Edward whisks her away and things get stupid again.
“It seemed like I danced with everyone. It was good to see all my old friends, but I really wanted to be with Edward more than anything else. I was happy when he finally cut in, just half a minute after a new dance started. “Still not that fond of Mike, eh?” I commented as Edward whirled me away from him. “Not when I have to listen to his thoughts. He’s lucky I didn’t kick him out. Or worse.”
Jesus, can we lay off Mike? (+1 Red Flag) Not every dude who thinks about Bella wants to fuck her. (Plus, Edward’s scathing comments will probably push Mike into committing an ancient Satanic ritual designed to summon goblins in the middle of the forest and I’d really like to avoid that.) Edward tells Bella she’s gorgeous, and as usual, the dumb bitch can’t take a compliment. To prove his point, Edward point at Bella’s reflection in a conveniently placed mirror.
“I caught just a glimpse of Edward’s reflection—a perfect duplicate of his perfect face—with a dark-haired beauty at his side. Her skin was cream and roses, her eyes were huge with excitement and framed with thick lashes. The narrow sheath of the shimmering white dress flared out subtly at the train almost like an inverted calla lily, cut so skillfully that her body looked elegant and graceful— while it was motionless, at least.”
Yeah, Bella is as pretty as a unicorn with a double rainbow crammed up its butt, we get it. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Suddenly, Edward’s face clenches up as he listens in on someone’s thought. He then says Bella’s going to get a surprise wedding present. I was half expecting him to give her the state of Nebraska, the Hope diamond, and a Outback Steakhouse gift card, but he leads her away to a secluded spot in the Cullen backyard and reveals….Jacob!
“Can I cut in?” My hand flew up to my throat, and if Edward hadn’t been holding me I would have collapsed. “Jacob!” I choked as soon as I could breathe. “Jacob!”
Bella is flabbergasted, and Edward has the decency to leave the two friends alone. Bella starts bawling into Jacob’s shirt. Thankfully, Jacob doesn’t act sad. Good on you, Jake. I’m glad to see that you’ve gotten over this whole Bella-nonsense.
“Oh, Jacob.” I was crying now; I couldn’t get the words out clearly. “Thank you.” “Stop blubbering, Bella. You’ll ruin your dress. It’s just me.” “Just? Oh, Jake! Everything is perfect now.” He snorted. “Yeah—the party can start. The best man finally made it.” “Now everyone I love is here.”
If you listen carefully, you can hear the uninvited Eric sobbing while he cradles his Spider-Man action figures and his valedictorian sash. (+1 Stupidity) Bella and Jake just kind of stand around, trying to enjoy the moment. Jacob seems to be okay with the whole vampire situation. The other wolves are stalking around in the forest, just in case Jacob flips his shit.
And then, things get simultaneously lame and awesome.
Bella and Jake talk about trivial small things. Feelings and friendship are discussed. Bella reassures Jake that this vampire thing is what she wants. Jacob asks if she’s becoming a vampire tonight, and Bella says no, they’re waiting until after the honeymoon. She then lets it slip that she intends to hug Edward in a special way while in her frail mortal body.
“His voice changed, took on a defensive, mocking edge. “What’s the holdup?” “I just didn’t want to spend my honeymoon writhing in pain.” “You’d rather spend it how? Playing checkers? Ha ha.” “Very funny.” “Kidding, Bells. But, honestly, I don’t see the point. You can’t have a real honeymoon with your vampire, so why go through the motions? Call a spade a spade. This isn’t the first time you’ve put this off. That’s a good thing, though,” he said, suddenly earnest. “Don’t be embarrassed about it.” “I’m not putting anything off,” I snapped. “And yes I can have a real honeymoon! I can do anything I want! Butt out!”
We already know that this is a stupid idea. Apparently, so does Jake. He knows Bella’s plan is reckless and foolish, and he starts to tremble, on the verge of fursploding. Of course, since Bella is a short-sighted snob, she yells at him for taking an interest in her safety . (+1 Bitch)
I wonder how else Bella reacts when someone tells her the painful truth.
Electrician: Ma’am, I don’t think you should put mashed potatoes in your electrical outlets.
Bella: Get the hell out of my house! You can’t control me. You can’t tell me what to do. I can use mashed potatoes however I want! USA! USA! USA!
“His enormous hands gripped the tops of my arms, wrapping all the way around, fingers overlapping.“Ow, Jake! Let go!”He shook me.“Bella! Have you lost your mind? You can’t be that stupid! Tell me you’re joking!”
Jake freaks out and starts shaking Bella. (+1 Red Flag) Edward leaps to Bella’s rescue, and Seth pulls Jake away before he does something stupid, like have sex with a vampire. (+1 Stupidity)
“I’ll kill you,” Jacob said, his voice so choked with rage that it was low as a whisper. His eyes, focused on Edward, burned with fury. “I’ll kill you myself! I’ll do it now!” He shuddered convulsively.”
How awesome is that?
But, as always, there is no Jacob/Edward smackdown. The two boys glare at each other while Bella goes, “No! Stop! Wah! I’m weak and crazy!” Really, Meyer, this is the last book. There may as well be a giant brawl. They practically have to! I did not read three books to watch them play foosball at the rec center. Come on, Meyer!
The other wolves emerge from the dark forest and nudge Jacob away. How an entire party occurring just a few yards away failed to notice the congregation of mythical beasts is just beyond me. (+1 Stupidity)
“It’s all right now, Bella,” Edward murmured. The wolf looked at Edward. His gaze was not friendly. Edward gave him one cold nod. The wolf huffed and then turned to follow the others, vanishing as they had. “All right,” Edward said to himself, and then he looked at me. “Let’s get back.” “But Jake—” “Sam has him in hand. He’s gone.” “Edward, I’m so sorry. I was stupid—” “You did nothing wrong—” “I have such a big mouth! Why would I… I shouldn’t have let him get to me like
that. What was I thinking?”
Bella is all shaken up, for unknown reasons. This same showdown happens every 29 pages; she should be used to it by now. Anyhoo, with the wolves gone, Bedward returns the the dance floor and no one has noticed they even left. Edward starts to realize that coitus may not be the best idea. Finally, someone is seeing sense. Bella having sex before she’s a vampire makes about as much sense as brushing your teeth with scissors. (+1 Stupidity)
But whatever. It’s all downhill from here. Bella dances with Emmett and some other people I don’t care about. Alice frets that the couple won’t make their flight to their top-secret honeymoon destination. Bella says goodbye to the peasants her family and gets in the car with Edward to the airport.
“I heard a noise over the purr of the engine, coming from the forest behind us. If I could hear it, then he certainly could. But he said nothing as the sound slowly faded in the distance. I said nothing, either. The piercing, heartbroken howling grew fainter and then disappeared entirely.”
And they drive away; the wolves howling in the distance sounding like…wolves howling in the distance.
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Red Flag: Edward: +1 Jacob: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +5
Cream Count: +1
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +1 Jacob: +1