Chapter 3: Big Day

Posted: January 16, 2013 in Breaking Dawn
Tags: , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Not-so-big day
Fucks I give: -1

 

This chapter is interesting. It doesn’t seem specifically designed to bore me. It’s actually not that horrible. Alice makes no predictions. Edward doesn’t upset me with his creepy and possessive nature. Jasper doesn’t tell anyone to move sideways. There is not a single mention of souls. For a Twilight chapter, this is pretty astonishing.

But, for all the buildup, it’s rather…well, it’s rather under-dramatic. Bella gets married, and that’s it. Seeing as we’ve had three book’s worth of buildup prior to this, I expected a little more. Though I do compliment Meyer for avoiding common wedding cliches, like losing the ring or saying the wrong name during vows, a little excitement would have been nice.

For those of you who, for some inexplicable reason, still care, here’s how it goes: Bella wakes up panting and gasping. (From anxiety, not sex. Pffft.) Her dream about babies has totally creeped her out. She heads downstairs to make Charlie breakfast, and reminds him that he has to pick up the minister at three, don’t forget, mkay? Alice shows up to collect Bella so she can dress her up like a life-size meatsack barbie doll. Fun times are ahead.

 

“Alice appraised me as I got into her Porsche. “Oh, hell, look at your eyes!” She tsked in reproach. “What did you do? Stay up all night?” “Almost.” She glowered. “I’ve only allotted so much time to make you stunning, Bella—you might have taken better care of my raw material.”

 

Yes, Alice tells Bella she’s butt-fuck ugly, and that making her pretty is going to be such a chore. Good Lord, I hate this book! Why are we reading this senseless drivel to our impressionable young girls? The main messages of this book are to be pretty and depend on your man. Is this really what we want to be telling young adults? That looks are everything? That you will never amount to anything if your hair and makeup isn’t just so?!? Why can’t there be a single damn decent message found in over 800 pages of word vomit?!? (+1 Stupidity)

And no, I don’t count “no sex before marriage” as a decent message. The only reason they haven’t fucked is because Edward is a controlling dickwipe who uses sex to manipulate Bella.

Ugh, okay. Minirant over. Bella goes along with the conversation, further deepening her “I’m an ugly mortal and everyone else is hotter that meeee” complex.

 

“No one expects me to be stunning. I think the bigger problem is that I might fall asleep during the ceremony and not be able to say ‘I do’ at the right part, and then Edward will make his escape.”

 

Weddings are just so not Bella’s thing, haven’t you heard? Like, she would just wear her Chuck Taylors to this shindig if she could. And forget this fancy stuff, Bella would rather just hit a drive-thru chapel in Vegas. Wouldn’t that be so much easier? Then she could so pick up a burger or something and eat it while she gets married. Y’know, to keep things casual. I mean, then if she spills her shake, it won’t be a problem, because those were old sweatpants anyways. (+1 Bitch)

Shit, I’ve made myself hungry. Sit tight, I’m going to Carl’s Jr.

Okay, moving on. Bella can’t focus, so she thinks about where Edward might be taking her on their honeymoon. (Is it Russia? Please let it be Russia.) This is really hard to do, because Eddie is oh so good at keeping secrets. They drive up to la Casa de Cullen in a paragraph filled with so many pointless details that Tolkien would have even shook his head at. Like, how many twinkle lights are wound up the drive. And how good the house smells. No one cares. (+1 Stupidity)

Now, we go into detail about Bella’s beauty treatment. (Repeat: no one cares.)

 

“Is this really necessary? I’m going to look plain next to him no matter what.” She pushed me down into a low pink chair. “No one will dare to call you plain when I’m through with you.” “Only because they’re afraid you’ll suck their blood,” I muttered. I leaned back in the chair and closed my eyes, hoping I’d be able to nap through it. I did drift in and out a little bit while she masked, buffed, and polished every surface of my body.”

 

Every surface? Because that would be more than a little awkward. (+1 Stupidity) Why would Bella want an impromptu waxing job from Alice? Couldn’t she just go to a spa or something. Oh, right. Bella hates doing things that require her to interact with other people. And Alice is an ever-perfect Meyerpire, so she probably does the best Brazilian waxing in the world. Still, awkward. Would you really want to do that to the chick marrying your brother? I mean, after you’re done with the wax, wouldn’t you sit back and think, “my brother is going to be balls-deep in that later”?? Gah. I’m outthinking myself and it hurts.

 

“It was after lunchtime when Rosalie glided past the bathroom door in a shimmery silver gown with her golden hair piled up in a soft crown on top of her head. She was so beautiful it made me want to cry. What was even the point of dressing up with Rosalie around?”

 

Rosalie breezes in to fuel Bella’s cripplingly inferiority complex. This girl, a character who is constantly touted as a good role model, has absolutely zero self-esteem, doesn’t she? I’ve known several people like Bella. They suck you down into their kamikaze spirals of angst and bleed you emotionally dry, then release you back into the wild as little more than a dry husk. While I understand that low self-esteem sucks, there is help for it. Why hasn’t Bella gotten any help?!? Bella constantly projects her worries, insecurities, and anger on the people around her, while internalizing guilt and turning every relationship she has into a constant struggle for control. And yet, everybody loves her. Will someone please explain to me how this works? (+1 Stupidity)

 

“They’re back,” Rosalie said, and immediately my childish fit of despair passed. Edward was home.”

 

Waah! People are invested in making sure I’m happy! Waah! Others care for my wellbeing! WAAAH! People want to SPEND TIME with me!!! (+1 Angst/Bitch)

Rosalie offers to do Bella’s hair while Alice primps the rest of her. This sends Bella into a tizzy, because gorgeous Rosalie can’t possibly want to spend time with fugly little Bella. Together, Alice and Rosalie finish up with Bella. People are starting to show up downstairs. (Yes, they’re holding both the wedding and the reception at the Cullen house becuz the Cullens are lyk totes awesome duuuhh.) Bella nearly has a panic attack about 10 times.

Renee comes upstairs to see Bella, and flips a shit over how pretty her daughter is and how dashing Chuck looks in his tuxedo. (Well, yes. Chuck is a classy man, what did you expect?) Oh, now it’s time to give Bella something old, new, borrowed and blue. The old and blue things are a pair of antique hair combs that belonged to Bella’s grandma. The dress is new, and Alice shoots a garter in Bella’s face (and then proceeds to slip it on Bella’s thigh herself…) for the something borrowed. Well, that was fun.

Can we just hurry up already? It’s obvious that you are only getting married for sex, Bella. Congrats on sucking at life. Whatever. And then…it’s time. I can practically hear all the Twimoms sobbing.

 

“Charlie returned with the two frothy white bouquets. The scent of roses and orange blossom and freesia enveloped me in a soft mist. Rosalie—the best musician in the family next to Edward—began playing the piano downstairs. Pachelbel’s Canon. I began hyperventilating.”

 

Damn. I can barely walk past the Macy’s perfume counter without choking. How is everyone in this wedding not dying? (+1 Stupidity) Bella listens to the piano music. Edward plays the piano. Rosalie plays the piano. Everybody plays the goddamn piano. Alice (who is the only bridesmaid because Bella is a shitty friend) heads down the stairs. Charlie and Bella follow. Bella doesn’t trip on the stairs, which is a feat of epic proportions, I’m sure. After the stairs, she starts looking for Edward. I really don’t think this would be that hard. He’s straight in front of you, dummy. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“As soon as my feet were past the treacherous stairs, I was looking for him. For a brief second, I was distracted by the profusion of white blossoms that hung in garlands from everything in the room that wasn’t alive, dripping with long lines of white gossamer ribbons. But I tore my eyes from the bowery canopy and  searched across the rows of satin-draped chairs—blushing more deeply as I took in the crowd of faces all focused on me—until I found him at last, standing before an arch overflowing with more flowers, more gossamer.”

 

Just as I think that there can’t be any more pointless details. Meyer, you never disappoint me. And by never, I mean always. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella finally gets up there, and looks at Edward, and OH GOD MY RETINAS ARE BURNING.

 

“His eyes were a buttery, burning gold; his perfect face was almost severe with the depth of his emotion. And then, as he met my awed gaze, he broke into a breathtaking smile of exultation.”

 

Ooooowwww. I think my eyeballs are bruised. (+1 Cream Count) Thankfully the rest of the chapter goes very quickly. Bella doesn’t panic or stumble or puke. There is much hyperventilating and crying. Bella herself is crying when it’s time to say the “binding words.” (I was unaware that Bella was making an unbreakable vow. At least, that’s what I assume is happening. I’m gonna go ahead and continue with that line of thought.) They say their “I do”s and share a kiss that Bella makes awkward by hanging on for an uncomfortably long time.

Aaand…that’s it. End of chapter. You guys wanna play some MarioKart or something?

I really have nothing left to say here.

Chapter Count:
Stupidity: +6
Angst: +1
Bitch: +2
Thesaurus Rape:+1
Cream Count: +1

Book Count:
Stupidity: +23
Angst: +2
Bitch: +3
Thesaurus Rape: +3
Cream Count: +1
Eye Rape: +1

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Comments
  1. companion says:

    as to the perfume stench, i can barely walk outside of an abercrombie and fitch in a mall without wondering how they dont suffocate in there. they really need to give out gas masks in those places

  2. ownedbyrats says:

    “… the profusion of white blossoms that hung in garlands from everything in the room that wasn’t alive…”

    Does that include the sparklepires? Edward would look just lovely festooned in white blossoms (snerk).

  3. cupcake2eater says:

    “Yes, Alice tells Bella that she’s butt-fuck ugly,” I think I cried when I read that. I would like to thank you for the highly disturbing image you gave me with the Brazilian wax part and Edward being balls deep.

    This has just made my entire damn week.

  4. Jennifer says:

    Is it just me or are your reviews really getting shorter than the previous book reviews? Even if they are, I love them. I’ve been waiting for this the whole week. Besides, I can’t blame you for how shitty twilight is.

    • Kate says:

      They kind of are. Especially in the last few chapters I’ve read, which have had practically zero content. It’s hard to snark about meaningless fluff.

  5. Dawn says:

    You might just love this :3

    http://twilightcomic.com/?page_id=3

    It’s about dystopian future, movement against SMeyer and Twilight zombies. :3

  6. CrackleLizard says:

    Gah! Bella you drize me insane, literally I think I want to scream, or cry. Kate, I would never be courageous enough to brave the Twilight books, so thank you a million for this great, hilarious opportunity. The ‘something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue’ bit got me in hysterics. Good luck to you in the future chapters, you may need it. I really do not envy you.

  7. Grace says:

    Guess how long I lasted on my own?

    ….. Fourteen pages.

  8. Grace says:

    I almost choked with laughter at the ‘balls deep’ line, thanks!

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