What this chapter should be called: This book is about babies
Fucks I give: 2
I will not lie, this week has been pretty shitty. There’s been a lot of stuff that went down at my school, I had the stress of finals, a water pipe in my house burst, and I ran out of Cool Ranch Doritos and won’t be able to get more until next week. But, then I read this chapter and I’m smiling again. Wanna know why? Two words: vampire babies.
But more on my new favorite type of vampire in a little bit. This chapter starts off like any other chapter, with Bedward cuddled up in Bella’s bed and looking into each other’s souls or some shit.
“Our gazes locked for a moment; his golden eyes were so deep that I imagined I could see all the way into his soul. It seemed silly that this fact—the existence of his soul—had ever been in question, even if he was a vampire. He had the most beautiful soul, more beautiful than his brilliant mind or his incomparable face or his glorious body.”
My lord. After three books, you think we would be done with this shit already. (+1 Thesaurus Rape/Eye Rape) Anyhoo, Bella takes this opportunity to remind us of some key plot points from previous books. They are as follows:
1. Bella is an ugly mortal, and therefore unworthy of Edward.
2. Edward can’t read Bella’s thoughts for reasons that probably make as much sense as a Dolan comic.
3. There’s a family of vegetarian vamps up in Alaska.
4. Edward is flawless.
5. Charlie snores.
After this, Bella tries to convince Edward to go to his bachelor party while simultaneously asking him to stay and smooch her. Way to send mixed messages, you bitch. (+1 Bitch) Edward assures Bella that he doesn’t really want to go to his bachelor party, as those are for immature people, which he is clearly not. Whatever. Bella whines that she has to be cocooned up in a blanked because Edward’s skin is soooo cold and marbley. Meyer senses that this is the perfect opportunity for more Edward-worship.
“At least, if I had to be bundled up, Edward’s shirt was on the floor. I never got over the shock of how perfect his body was—white, cool, and polished as marble. I ran my hand down his stone chest now, tracing across the flat planes of his stomach, just marveling. A light shudder rippled through him, and his mouth found mine again. Carefully, I let the tip of my tongue press against his glass smooth lip, and he sighed. His sweet breath washed—cold and delicious—over my face.”
Meyer, your readers are not goldfish. You described this literally two paragraphs ago, and we get the point. (+1 Cream Count) Also, I find it odd that Bella enjoys cuddling with a rock. Speaking from personal experience, I enjoy cuddling with things that are warm and can hug me back without having to worry about crushing me in a stony, vice-like grip. Maybe I’m just a freak or something. (+1 Stupidity)
After that, Edward inquires to the nature of Bella’s feet. He’s trying to make sure she’s not going to bail on him tomorrow.
“He chuckled. “Just making sure. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not sure about.” “I’m sure about you. The rest I can live through.”
Edward balks at this, and asks if Bella will really be able to live without her friends. Bella says she’s gonna be completely okay with it. Uh, what friends? Bella’s use of the word is a bit liberal. The only “friend” she has is Angela, a girl who she’s spent about 5 hours outside school with. Going by this logic, my new best friend is the homeless man who sits in front of Safeway. And I don’t know his name, only his odor. (Baked beans mixed with feet.) (+1 Stupidity)
I wonder who else Bella considers friends.
Bella: Oh, I simply do not know how I’m going to cope without my dear friends, Mike and Angela and Angela’s boyfriend! And it just will not be the same without my dear acquaintances, the thugs from Port Angeles. We’ll have to send them a Christmas card. But most of all, I will miss Jenni, the Carl’s Jr. cashier who knows I like Sprite! Please, Edward, can we take Jenni with us? I’ll be ever so good!
Edward: Shut up, lamb. I’m trying to write a lullaby about how good your spit tastes.
Sparklepeen goes on to worry about how he might destroy Bella’s fragile mortal body when sexytimes commence. Of course, we all know when the time comes, he will simply will himself not to, so this is bullshit. (+1 Stupidity) Suddenly, out of the blue, Edward says that he wishes Bella was pregnant.
“Do you remember when we told Charlie we were getting married? And he thought you were… pregnant?” “And he thought about shooting you,” I guessed with a laugh. “Admit it—for one second, he honestly considered it.” He didn’t answer. “What, Edward?” “I just wish… well, I wish that he’d been right.” “Gah,” I gasped.”
Yes, folks, that is Bella’s exact response. Maybe later, Bella will stub her toe, and respond with: “Bleh,” I bleh-ed.” (+1 Stupidity)
Edward feels double guilty that he’s taking away Bella’s ability to have children, because no one in this book has ever heard of adoption. He thinks that if Bella was with child, he would feel less guilty. I’m going to use the term “with child” when referring to pregnancy now, because if Meyer can dance around a topic, so can I. (FYI: being “with child” has a totally different meaning when discussing Quil.)
“He gritted his teeth. “You don’t have to call my brothers. Apparently Emmett and Jasper are not going to let me bow out tonight.” I clutched him closer for one second and then released him. I didn’t have a prayer of winning a tug-of-war with Emmett. “Have fun.”
Emmett! Hi, Emmett! Have you finished mounting a missile launcher on your skateboard yet? I bet it’s really awesome. Also, what’s your favorite kind of frosting? I’m baking you a cake with your face on it.
Emmett then drags Edward out of Bella’s room, while Bella asks Jasper what happens at vampire bachelor parties.
“Relax,” Jasper told me—and I did. “We Cullens have our own version. Just a few mountain lions, a couple of grizzly bears. Pretty much an ordinary night out.”
What?!? That is quite possibly the lamest bachelor party ever. I’m not saying that you need sexy ladies and alcohol to have a good time, I’m just saying that the human equivalent of Edward’s party is going to Taco Bell, then going to Applebee’s, then going to Dairy Queen, and then going back to Taco Bell. Not only does this party consist of things vampires already do normally, it’s depressing and also a recipe for diarrhea. Are you really telling me that three endlessly rich, attractive, undead teens have nothing better to do than slaughter innocent wildlife? (+1 Stupidity) Jesus. Like, go play mini-golf. Or rob a blood bank for funsies.
After they all leave, Bella is left alone with her thoughts, which means it’s a convenient time for Meyer to spew out information not regarding Bedward’s eternal love. I really hate it when she does this. It’s like she spends fifteen pages on describing an eyelash and three on critical information, hurrying through it like a nervous fourth grader giving an oral report on the Revolutionary War.
Bella begins to describe her fears regarding tomorrow. Like, the train on her dress. How is she, like, not going to trip on that? Ugh. Forget being afraid of the excruciatingly painful transformation of turning into a vampire, we have to listen to all her silly little fears, born of insecurity that no one cares about. (+1 Stupidity) Like, looking super fugly in front of the gorgeous women from the Denali clan is top on the list of Bella’s concerns.
“I’d never seen Tanya before, but I was sure that meeting her wouldn’t be a pleasant experience for my ego. Once upon a time, before I was born probably, she’d made her play for Edward—not that I blamed her or anyone else for wanting him. Still, she would be beautiful at the very least and magnificent at best. Though Edward clearly—if inconceivably—preferred me, I wouldn’t be able to help making comparisons.”
Wah, Bella is ugly and Edward shouldn’t love her because she is ugly and therefore unlovable. (+1 Angst) I have heard this shit for three books now, and frankly, I’m getting sick of it. (+1 Stupidity)
Here we are lead off on a lovely tangent about the history of the Denali clan. There are three sisters in the Denali clan: Irina, Tanya, and Kate (hey!). There’s also a vamp couple we don’t care about. The Cullens are still a little pissed that the Denalis left them all to die last summer, because werewolves. (Hey, what are friends for?) But, them showing up to Bedward’s wedding should smooth the whole thing out. Tanya has totally hit on Eddie in the past, btw. Because of this, Bella delves into Tanya’s backstory, because when I have a rival, reminding myself of their tragic and unfortunate past always makes me feel better. (+1 Bitch)
Here’s the Cliff’s Notes version of the story: Tanya, Kate (who better be really fucking awesome because I don’t think I could live if I shared the same name as a shitty character in these pathetic books) and Irina once had a mother. I don’t know her name, so let’s call her “Fucks Mcgee.” Fucks was a nice lady who had three vampy children and did vampy things until one day she decided to start vamping up babies, and I’m sure that Quil is somehow eavesdropping on this entire tale with rapt attention.
Anyways, this was a big no-no because vampy babies were frozen at their current level of mental development (I’ll tell you why this is beautiful in a second) and were prone to vicious temper tantrums that massacred entire towns. The babies were also really pretty, too. Like, really pretty. Diabeetus-inducing pretty, you get the picture.
The Volturi weren’t too pleased with all this, so they went and killed all the babies, and Fucks Mcgee too. Tanya, Irina, and name-buddy were allowed to live because they were blissfully unaware of what mommy Mcgee was doing.
And I think this is all bullshit.
For one, exactly how dangerous are baby vampires? I mean, babies themselves aren’t that much of a threat to begin with. They’re pretty weak, and you can usually take them down with a chop to the sternum, or even just standing there and letting them fall down when they try to walk towards you. Even if a baby was walking towards you with a steak knife in one hand and a jar of battery acid in the other, you would still be okay because babies are about as coordinated as a fish in the bottom of a boat. I know that vampire babies have greater strength and agility, but isn’t that based on their previous abilities? So maybe a vampire baby could lift a liter of soda or a small beagle, but that’s about it. By all logic, you could defeat a vampire baby with a quick kick and watch as it flies through the air just like a baby-shaped watermelon. (+1 Stupidity)
Now, about the “frozen development” thing: doesn’t that just explain so much?!? By Meyer’s own admission, her vampires are frozen at the peak of immaturity. Look at Edward! He shouldn’t be a soul-searching, thoughtful romantic, because he’s seventeen and should be more concerned with boobs and Xbox. Carlisle shouldn’t be a super doctor, because his mind is “frozen” and therefore unable to absorb all the information needed to be one! Hah! Meyer has blown all logic in this book to absolute shit.(+1 Stupidity)
Since we’re now done with all useful information, Bella is swept away into another weirdly specific dream.
“Scattered all around me were smoking heaps. I recognized the sweetness in the air and did not examine the mounds too closely. I had no desire to see the faces of the vampires they had executed, half afraid that I might recognize someone in the smoldering pyres.”
Bella is in a field filled with sweetly-burning vampire carcasses, which is how all of my best dreams begin. A group of Volturi are huddled around something, which turns out to be a little boy. Bella has the urge to save the kid, and runs toward him. As she gets closer she realizes the kid is sitting on a pile of her family and “friends” (which includes the man she sat next to on the flight to Italy and the girl she shared a Lunchable with in second grade). She freaks out and the kid opens vampy red eyes.
I wish this book could just hurry up. I already know Bella’s going to get knocked up with some sort of demon spawn, and I’m guessing the Volturi aren’t going to be happy about it.
I’m not a moron.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Eye Rape: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Eye Rape: +1