It is the beginning of the end.
For over two years now, I’ve been reading and reviewing the Twilight Saga. (For those of you who are just now joining us, where the fuck have you been?) I have fully immersed myself in the deep end of the pool filled with vampire devotion and intricate werewolf social circles. I have braved Sueness and fluff and plain idiocy. I have laughed at melodramatic dialogue and cried over gaping plot chasms. I dislike Bella, dislike Edward even more, and I somewhat tolerate Jacob.
And I cannot do this again.
I really thought I could. But there are just so many pages in this book! I thought I could plow through it in one go. But it. Is. So. Long.
What the hell am I talking about?!? I will not abandon this like Edward in New Moon. I will not whine like Bella throughout this entire cursed series. I will split this book into two parts, but I will not give up. I will finish this book, even if I have to do it in two halves. I will rip Breaking Dawn several new assholes, and then I will reward myself with ice cream and a new AC/DC shirt.
At this point, I can’t be fucked to care about the preface. If any of you actually care, I think it’s about Bella being turned into a vampire by Edward. It could also be about trying to find a Quiktrip that’s open before eight on New Year’s; it’s rather unclear. The good news is that it lasts for half a page. The bad news is it lasts for half a page.
Chapter 1: Engaged
What this chapter should be called:
Fucks I give: 1
Bella is driving around town in her new Mercedes. When she stops at a light, people are staring at her, not because she’s hot, and most definitely not because she’s confident, but because she’s driving a new car and she clearly cannot handle it.
“The light turned green and, in my hurry to escape, I stomped on the gas pedal without thinking—the normal way I would have punched it to get my ancient Chevy truck moving. Engine snarling like a hunting panther, the car jolted forward so fast that my body slammed into the black leather seat and my stomach flattened against my spine.
“Arg!” I gasped as I fumbled for the brake. Keeping my head, I merely tapped the pedal. The car lurched to an absolute standstill anyway.I couldn’t bear to look around at the reaction. If there had been any doubt as to who was driving this car before, it was gone now.”
Oh, silly Bella. When will you learn to leave the driving to the men in your life? (+1 Stupidity) Bella pulls up to a gas station and begins to fuel up. by the time we are halfway down page two, we learn that Bella has gotten in to an Ivy League school, got a new fancy credit card, and a new car. Wow. I would sure love to inherit some of Bella’s “problems”, wouldn’t you?
Oh, Bella is driving a fancy new car because her truck broke down a couple weeks ago, and since Jacob is off Forrest Gump-ing his way across Canada (more on that later), she had to replace it. Not, you know, take it to another mechanic or anything. (+1 Stupidity)
“It wasn’t bright out—a typical drizzly day in Forks, Washington—but I still felt like a spotlight was trained on me, drawing attention to the delicate ring on my left hand. At times like this, sensing the eyes on my back, it felt as if the ring were pulsing like a neon sign: Look at me, look at me.”
Yessir, Bella is the new town celebrity because she and Edward are getting hitched in a few days. Wow. Okay. A couple of dumb tourists come over and stare at Bella’s car. They ask Bella if she knows what kind of car it is, which is so unbelievably sexist it hurts, and even more so when Bella says she doesn’t. Cars are for boys, tee hee! (+1 Stupidity) It turns out that the car is a Mercedes Guardian. I wonder if you did that intentionally, Steffie. Picking a car with a name that suggests Bella is in need of protection from soccer moms and assholes who don’t use turn signals is certainly a new one.
Dumb tourist #1 asks if he can take a picture of the car. Bella agrees and sits in the driver’s seat while Dumb tourist #1 and Dumb tourist #2 talk about the car.
“. . . went at it with a flamethrower in the online video. Didn’t even pucker the paint.” “Of course not. You could roll a tank over this baby. Not much of a market for one over here. Designed for Middle East diplomats, arms dealers, and drug lords mostly.” “Think she’s something?” the short one asked in a softer voice. I ducked my head, cheeks flaming. “Huh,” the tall one said. “Maybe. Can’t imagine what you’d need missile-proof glass and four thousand pounds of body armor for around here. Must be headed somewhere more hazardous.”
Four thousand pounds of body armor? Besides being about four thousand pounds of overkill, that car’s engine must be one powerful fucker. And missile-proof glass? Yes, the stuff exists, but it’s really fucking expensive. Unless this is foreshadowing that missiles will somehow be involved in future chapters, this is insane overkill. I feel like Meyer threw in the towel last book and is just now trying to outdo herself in terms of ridiculousness. (+1 Stupidity)
Also, I’m kinda interested where that one dude thinks Bella could be going. It’s not like Washington is remotely close to any active war zones. What the fuck is he thinking? “Oh, yes, those Canucks are a dangerous bunch, yes siree.” (+1 Stupidity)
Moving on. Edward bought Bella the world’s safest car because 1) he’s less of a boyfriend than he is a jumpy prison guard or an overbearing father, and B) Bella is clumsy. Well, okay. I guess that makes sense. No wait, I take it back: this is just Bella’s less dangerous before car. Eddie bought another one that he plans to give her after she gets vamped up. I don’t know why she has to wait to get the second car. Maybe it’s because the seats are spiked, the pedals are really blocks of C-4, and the steering wheel is made of a live cobra and herpes. Or maybe Edward is just a jerk who likes to dangle the promise of treats over Bella’s head. (+1 Red Flag)
( But Bella is going to be all wild and crazy as a newborn, so why would Eddie give her something dangerous? Perhaps this isn’t the best idea. (+1 Stupidity) Why don’t we just give her a machete and a map to the nearest nursing home while we’re at it? Gah, I’m already overthinking this damn book. Moving on.)
(But why do the Cullens need so many cars in the first place? They don’t DO anything! they just sit around and watch the Discovery channel and wait for Bella to have a problem! Ugh. Moving on for real, now.)
“No matter how many times I drove down the familiar road home, I still couldn’t make the rain-faded flyers fade into the background. Each one of them, stapled to telephone poles and taped to street signs, was like a fresh slap in the face.”
I have news for you, guys. It is so shocking that you will shit your pants before you can say “chagrin.” There are “missing” signs pasted on all the telephone poles. Bella’s bestie Jacob has obviously not taken the wedding news well, and is romping around the Canadian wilderness. Chuck is the only one who is worried about this, beeteedubs.
I’m actually okay with this. Jacob is off running around and living his own life, wolf-style. How cool is that? I think Jacob’s character needs this time alone. I want him to develop into a sort of anti-hero. Like Clint Eastwood in “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.” Meyer needs to let Jacob be a tough, rugged badass. She needs to let him be a combination of Bradley Cooper, Batman, and the Road Warrior. I want Boo-yah Jacob, not Boo-hoo Jacob. Sadly, this would take skill, and therefore it will probably not happen. But I can dream.
Bella doesn’t care about any of this, because Edward and Seth are besties now, and that’s what really matters. (+1 Bitch) Bella calls Seth to see how Jacob’s doing. Seth knows this because Jacob is in wolf form, and when the pack is in wolf form their minds are interconnected. It’s tenuous logic, but it still makes more sense than Alice’s powers.
Oh, and cut to long-ass flashback about how Bedward told Chuck they were getting married, something that really should have been the first chapter of the book, but wasn’t since Meyer has no clue what she’s doing. (+1 Stupidity) It all goes over with practically zero conflict, because that shit’s hard to write. Charlie says that Bella will have to tell her mother, though.
“Okay, fine,” Charlie choked out. “Get married.” Another roll of laughter shook through him. “But . . .” “But what?” I demanded. “But you have to tell your mom! I’m not saying one word to Renée! That’s all yours!” He busted into loud guffaws.
What the hell? For 98% of this series, Renee has been a freckle on the back of Bella’s knee. Why are we even pretending to care about what she thinks now? We all know that Bella and Edward’s love is true and perfect, and no one can ever disagree with that.
“Well, Bella,” Renée had said after I’d choked and stuttered out the impossible words: Mom, I’m marrying Edward. “I’m a little miffed that you waited so long to tell me. Plane tickets only get more expensive. Oooh,” she’d fretted. “Do you think Phil’s cast will be off by then? It will spoil the pictures if he’s not in a tux—”
See? Told you. So, to recap: everyone is on board for Bella’s wedding. She’s also got a new car, free tuition to an Ivy League school, all the money in the world, and the love of her life is about to marry her.. This wish fulfillment is getting old. Bella will be getting a diamond tiara and a unicorn before long. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella reminds us that this wedding needs to happen quickly, because she’s a horny brat. That’s probably going to be in her wedding vows. “Edward, I love you, and I’m a brat. I’m also horny. Are we done now?”
Ugh, whatever. I don’t care. Bella gets fitted for her wedding dress and thinks about sex. Well, we never actually call it sex because that would be naughty.
“…I would never feel exactly the way I felt now. Human… and passionately in love. I wanted the complete experience before I traded in my warm, breakable, pheromone-riddled body for something beautiful, strong… and unknown. I wanted a real honeymoon with Edward. And, despite the danger he feared this would put me in, he’d agreed to try.”
How many euphemisms for sex can one woman invent? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Saying Bella wants the complete experience makes me feel like she’s asking for a really big ice cream sundae or something. We continue to think about complete experiences and non-sex and truly true love, and then the chapter is over.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but all things considered, I’ve read worse.
Thesaurus Rape: +1