Well, let me start off by saying, holy fuck, you guys are good guessers. Congratulations to the winners of the glower/murmur contest: William, who was only one glower off with a guess of 17 glowers, and Liz, who was one murmur off with a guess of 92. You go, guys! You both keep your eyes peeled; something special will show up in your emails sometime.
Now, back to your regularly scheduled recap, for those of you who were too lazy to read the actual chapter reviews.
A bunch of newborn vampires are fucking shit up in Seattle, while Bella waffles on what she should do to make Edward happiest. He attempts to control her life in every way possible, telling her who her friends can be and even having Alice kidnap her to prevent her from seeing people he deems unfit (read: Jacob). After said kidnapping, Bella discovers that some of her clothes are missing, which can only mean that the newborns are gunning for Bella, even though they don’t really have a reason and the detective work of Clan Cullen is amateur at best. No one brings up Victoria, which really is as stupid as you think, but Clan Cullen teams up with the local InjunWolves to fight the newborn scourge. After coming up with the most idiotic plan conceivable, said plan is promptly blown to shit when Victoria shows up (shocker) and tries to kill Bella. Of course, this little fiasco blows over without any problems, Bella plans to marry Edward, and Jacob cries like a 12 year old girl with a crush.
Bella Swan: Our intrepid heroine, Bella Swan is just as spineless and indecisive as she was back in Twilight. She spends the majority of this lovely piece of literary art bouncing back and forth between Edward and Jacob, like a grumpy, hormonal tennis ball.
Edward Cullen: The resident glittering, dazzling, godlike Gary-Stu. Likes to control his girlfriend to the point of telling her what friends she can and can’t have. Also, for some reason, he has a nasty grudge against werewolves, for pretty much no reason whatsoever. But, you know, fuck logic, SPARKLES!
Jacob Black: The third corner of the love triangle, Jacob is one of the coolest characters in the book.
Alice Cullen: A hyperactive lying liar that lies and kidnaps Bella for shits and giggles. Which is still okay, because, SPARKLES!
Rosalie Cullen: Super-gorgeous sparklepire who is eternally jealous of Bella’s living uterus, because no one in these books has ever heard of adoption. I used to like Rosalie because she didn’t like Bella, but this book fucked that up, too.
Jasper Cullen: Inventor of the famed “move sideways” trick, which apparently renders newborn vamps helpless. That, and tents.
Clan Cullen: Consisting of Esme, Doctor Carlizzle, and Emmett (Hi, Emmett! I’m having a paintball/luau party tomorrow. You’re invited!), the rest of Clan Cullen did not receive enough screentime to be deserving of a separate blurb. Sorry.
Victoria: Victoria, who was essentially the primary antagonist of these first three books, only had about five speaking lines in the entirety of her run. I think she was supposed to be menacing, but came off as more like the slightly not-good doppelganger of the chick from Brave.
Newborn Horde: Containing Riley and Bree, the newborn horde was hell-bent on killing Smelly Swan. I don’t really know why. I mean, if Victoria is really this skilled in the art of persuasion, she should have been going door-to-door, selling shoes or maybe interesting pieces of wood.
Jane: Headed up the Volturi group who trucked out to Forks. (I imagine that somewhere along the way, as the group traveled along backroads in a VW tour bus and a haze of pot, zany hijinks were involved.) Kills Bree of the Newborn Horde for pretty much no reason whatsoever.
The Volturi: Super-secret vampire group that wants Bella dead because…reasons. Your guess is as good as mine.
Sam: Pack alpha; has the lovely charm of ripping off faces whenever he meets someone he likes. Forever buddies with Emily. (I’m calling pairs of imprinted wolves and people “forever buddies” now. I think that has a nice ring to it.)
Seth: Seth is freakin’ awesome! Seth had my favorite scene in the entire book, where he ripped apart a vampire like it was a Otis Spunkmeyer cookie. Pure coolness, right here.
The Wolfpack: Contains Leah, the Quilbry, some people who aren’t important to the story, and a dude named Jared (who probably rooms with Eric and Tyler inside the situationally dependent existence void). The wolfpack are sick of the Cullens getting glitter all over the wolf side of the boundary line, so they hate them. Naturally.
Charlie: Bella’s dad, who serves little purpose other than to let Bella remind us that, “No one gets me, ugh! I’m going to go whine about this on tumblr.”
Billy: Jacob’s dad, who seems to be an okay dude. Though, if I were him, I would have smacked Jacob silly over this whole “I like Bella” thing.
Mike, Angela, and assorted generic high-schoolers: These guys just kind of mill around in the background whenever they get let out of the situationally dependent quantum flux. None of them are truly important to the story, but I do like Eric. He’d probably buy me Black Ops 2.
The Good: I must admit, one of the few things that made this book worth reading was the wolves. I genuinely like the wolf pack. They’re actual characters, with personalities and shit. Jacob was another big highlight of this book, even though his character was assassinated for being far more likeable than Edward. Even after his doucheification, he still had personality, which was a major plus. Seth, another wolf, even had the best scene in the entire book! I will also admit, Meyer has scaled back on her use of the thesaurus. Then again, maybe she just had the sniffles when she wrote this. Hmmn.
The Bad: This book is still full of factual inaccuracies and failure to use Google. Meyer’s dialogue is, at times, just plain derpy.I find her characters thoughts to be unrealistic, and the characters themselves are wooden and incapable of conveying any emotion. I still dislike Bella with the passion of a million fiery suns. She hasn’t changed or matured at all over the course of these books. If anything, she’s gotten more childish. Also, using Victoria as the villain was a bad idea. Everyone, including Jared, should have seen it coming. Victoria is not worthy of being a multi-book nemesis, and that is a simple fact.
The Ugly: I have one question: WHERE WAS THE GODDAMN PLOT? Over 3/4ths of this book was wasted away on faux tension and bullshit rising action, and the actual climax was incredibly disappointing. If all the BSed parts had been cut out of this book, we would have had fifty pages that would have looked awfully pretty tacked on to the back of New Moon. Parts of this non-book were unbelievably ridiculous (tent scene) and others were so loaded with faux drama that they were accidentally ridiculous (somehow also the tent scene). Possibly the worst thing about this book was how utterly unnecessary it was. This book was supposed to be about Bella’s choice between Edward and Jacob, and yet there was never any doubt in my mind that she was going to pick Edward. So, yeah. Thumbs down.
Better or worse than Twilight/New Moon?
Worse. At least those books pretended to have some semblance of plot. Have I mentioned that Eclipse had no plot? it really bugged me that Eclipse had no plot. But whatever. If I had to rank these three books in order of what I liked the most, it would go like this:
1. New Moon
3. The back of my shampoo bottle
Predictions for the next book:
The next book will open with Bella and Edward’s wedding. Jacob will make a surprise appearance, but only to drop off several cryptic warnings relating to his future bride: Sharon the wheelbarrow. Sadly, Bella misinterprets said hints as Jacob’s admission of true love, which confuses her beyond belief. Bella melts into a puddle on the floor and refuses to get up for the remainder of the book.
Meanwhile, Eric and Jared are camping in the vast Olympic mountain range when they stumble across the scraps of Tyler’s van. After getting Mike to use a satanic spell to resurrect the van, they adopt a great dane puppy, kidnap Jessica, and set off across the country to do god knows what.
Simultaneously, the Volturi’s need for righteous marijuana has escalated into addiction. After deciding that the best way to travel is by pogo stick, they embark on a cross-country journey to raid the weed garden that Jasper has been secretly cultivating in the Cullen’s backyard.
Also, Emmett befriends a leprechaun. ‘Nuff said.
I expect Breaking Dawn to be the true test of will, so I’ll be splitting it into two parts in order to help myself out. In the meantime, you might want to go over to the library. I’ll be doing a few guest slots over there, and it’s going to be grand.
Final Book Count:
Thesaurus Rape: +49
Eye Rape: +5
Cream Count: +11
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +82 Wolfballs +15