Epilogue: Choice

Posted: November 13, 2012 in Eclipse
Tags: , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Jacob is quadruple sad
Jacob angst-o-meter: 11


Whoa! Out of fucking nowhere, Bella has stopped narrating this book. She’s probably reading Wuthering Heights or talking about passion. (Or both. You never know.) I’m going to go ahead and say that this is a good thing, though, because now the book is being narrated by Jacob.

I expected this to be a refreshing change of pace. Sadly, Jacob’s mind is pathetically similar to Bella’s. You’ll see.Jacob is sitting on one of the La Push cliffs, being bothered by whiny Leah. He’s feeling pretty miserable about the whole Bella thing. So is Leah, because Jacob’s thoughts have been rubbing off on the entire pack, making everyone else sad and mopey. So, Leah is here to try and make Jake snap out of it. Ha, so do I!


“This is making me sick, Jacob. Can you imagine what this feels like to me ? I don’t even like Bella Swan. And you’ve got me grieving over this leech-lover like I’m in love with her, too. Can you see where that might be a little confusing? I dreamed about kissing her last night! What the hell am I supposed to do with that ?”


Thank you, Leah! I can’t stand the mopey, bitter Jacob either. If Jacob is like this all of Breaking Dawn, the only way I’m going to survive is if there are pirates, who are somehow also robots, involved.

Whatever. Leah is mean and petty because she got dumped. (+1 Stupidity) She continues to bitch Jacob out, telling him that Bella probably won’t survive the transformation anyways. Jacob nearly loses his cool because of this.


“He’ll probably just kill her anyway,” Leah said. Sneering. “All the stories say that happens more often than not. Maybe a funeral will be better closure than a wedding. Ha.” This time I had to work. I closed my eyes and fought the hot taste in my mouth. I pushed and shoved against the slide of fire down my back, wrestling to keep my shape together while my body tried to shake apart.”


On a side note, I feel sorry for Leah. I mean, Bella has love conundrums, and we’re supposed to feel sorry for her. Jacob has relationship issues, and we’re supposed to cry for him. Leah has boy problems, and we’re just supposed to think she’s a bitch. What? (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob retorts by asking Leah how she thinks the rest of them feel when Wolf-Leah’s daydreaming about the hot and sexy Sam. This hits a nerve with Leah, and she runs off. Jacob doesn’t even care that Sam is going to yell at him later. He sits there and broods about Bella, and this is where their minds are eerily similar. Here, according to Meyer, some of Jacob’s thoughts are:


“It didn’t matter so much that Bella’d chosen someone else over me. That agony was nothing at all. That agony I could live with for the rest of my stupid, too long, stretched-out life. But it did matter that she was giving up everything — that she was letting her heart stop and her skin ice over and her mind twist into some crystallized predator’s head. A monster. A stranger.”


Does Meyer not realize that Jacob is a 16 (17?) year old dude?!? (+1 Angst) Once again, still not a guy, correct me if I’m wrong, but here are some of Jacob’s thoughts according to me:


“God, I can’t believe Bella dumped me for that douche. What a bitch. Pizza. I mean, I would have given up everything for her, except ice cream cake. She’s so stupid. Boobs. More boobs. Pizza. Boobs and pizza. Whatever. I’ll totally find someone cooler than her. Someone who’ll play Halo 4 with me. I like boobs. Butts are cool too. Hey, I wonder if American Chopper reruns are on?”


But no. Jacob is being one giant sadsack, and he goes home alone. (+1 Angst) He gets there, and Billy the Meddling Injun (I’ve been waiting since Twilight to use that one again) is clearly hiding something. Finally, he cuts to the chase, and hands Jake a wedding invitation.


“There was a piece of the thick ivory paper folded in half with my name handwritten in black ink on the back. I didn’t recognize the handwriting, but it was as fancy as the rest of it. For half a second, I wondered if the bloodsucker was into gloating.”


Wait a minute. Jacob talks about love, whines about relationships, and receives handwritten letters from Sparklepeen? Slap a wig on him and hand over a copy of Wuthering Heights, and Jacob may as well be Bella. (+1 Stupidity)

Sweet Jesus, I hate this. Please, I’ll give you six dollars and some firecrackers if I can just have the Jacob from New Moon back. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Whatever. Jacob reads Eddie’s note, and I don’t care what’s in it. Jacob runs off and turns into a werewolf. The end.

Three books later, and I am still waiting for a goddamn plot.

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +3

Angst: +2

Murmur: 0

Glower: 1


Final Book Count:

Stupidity: +343

Angst: +23

Bitch: +52

Thesaurus Rape: +49

Eye Rape: +5

Cream Count: +11

Red Flag: Sparklepeen +82 Wolfballs +15

Redemption: +10

Murmur: 93

Glower: 16

  1. raelineclaud says:

    Yay! I can’t wait for the recap! No pressure though.

  2. KidDarkness says:

    Its so funny that you mentioned firecrackers. Because, today is Diwali in India, a festival where people light up fire crackers and celebrate. It is a totally awesome and colorful festival and this is a totally dumb and boring book.
    Gosh, I hate Bella…

  3. ownedbyrats says:

    You have no idea how grateful I was to read today’s blog. I share an office with Twitards, and the last film opens over here this weekend, and they were dribbling on about it today. It hurts my brain.

  4. Twi-hard Show And Tell says:

    Oh umm okay, I saw your christmas/hannukah/qwanzah/buddism day/insert religion wish from a QUITE while back I’ve decided to answer your prayers! This is my friend, a… well, Twi-hard. I didn’t know if you’ve gotten any haters yet, cause I’m only on ‘New Moon’ so anyway I brought her in for show and tell. Please know, she’s actually my friend. And a nice person. So then, heeeeeeres Twihard! TWIHARD: “What is ur problem?! How can you NOT like Twilight?! I mean, Bella is a great character and not that dum person ‘MARY SUE’ you keep so kindly referring to! She’s a great, strong character who DOES know how to drive! And COME ON! Edward SPARKLES! He’s like a unicorn! WHAT KIND OF GIRL DOESN’T LIKE A UNICORN?!!!1!!??! Exactly! You must not be a girl! You’ve gotta be a man in disguise! Even JACOB BLACK. Who is the JERKIEST JERK THERE EVER WAS, is hot and a super cute/awesome/in depth charrie. If anything it should be J.K. Who’s the terrible author! I MEAN COME ON! ‘Black’. Rides a motorcycle. Turns into a WEREWOLF! Does that NOT sound familiar?! Talk about PLAGERISM! HEAR THAT POTTHEADS? YOUR PRECIOUS JK IS A PLAGERIZER! We Twi-hards appreciate it if you actually BE NICE instead of COMPLETELY JERKY, JERK, JERKISH! WE’RE ALLOWED TO HAVE AN OPINION! AND VOICE IT, CAUSE GUESS WHAT! THIS IS AMERICA! Do you live in America? I BET YOU LIVE IN TIMBUKTU! MAY EDWARD LET TIMBUKTU BURN AND NEVER GET IT’S INDEPENDENCE OR INTERNET OR MODREN TOLIETS! Hear that folks? TIMBUKTUERS ARE COMPLETE HA8RS! And F. Y. I. Millions of people of like Twilight. Like, all over the world. It’s every womans/girls/teenagers DREAM LIFE AND YOU’RE PUTTING IT DOWN. What you’re doing is making EVERYONE unhappy! So why don’t you NOT DO THIS AND MAKE EVERYONE EVERYWHERE UNHAPPY! SO STOP DOING IT! Enjoy ur life buddy. The MAN IN WOMAN’S CLOTHING!” Me now: Uhhh well back to me then. Merry Pre Christm-Hoildays 2012-2013. Also, if you don’t like Twilight, you should absolutely check out youtube video riffs by some guys called ‘The Black Pawn Movement.’ Good day/night/evening/morning/afternoon.

  5. Twi-hard Show And Tell says:

    I had to check Twi-hard’s blogs, pictures, videos, interview my Twi-hard friend, etc., and then pool all my information. But anything for my favorite snarker, Kate!

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