What this chapter should be called: Wants
Edward creep-o-meter: 3
So, a certain character in this book isn’t handling the end of a relationship very well. (Hint: It’s not Mike.) Yes, folks, Bella is double-sad because she just dumped Jacob.
“I slumped over on the seat and allowed the weakness I’d fought in Jacob’s room crush me. It was worse that I’d thought — the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right to hide this from Jacob. No one should ever see this.”
Why is Bella so torn up about this? Every page of New Moon and well over 75% of the pages in this book have been dedicated to the fact that Bella cannot function without Eddiekins. Bella and Jacob weren’t even going out in the first place. This was less of a dump than it was a slight drop. (+1 Angst)
Bella has a meltdown in her truck, But luckily, deus ex Alice has a vision of the emotional supernova that is Bella Swan, and Edward appears not a minute later. Does anyone else think it’s creepy that Edward can just pop up anywhere? I’m starting to think he really does just follow Bella around 24/7. Edward just starts driving; not saying anything while Bella blubbers about how she wants warm fuzzies instead of cold clammies. Boo fucking hoo. You had your chance, Bella, and you passed it up. Stop making everyone else as miserable as you. (+1 Angst)
“So he drove me home — for once not even getting close to my truck’s internal speed limit — keeping one arm wrapped tightly around me. The whole way, I fought for control.”
Did I miss a chapter or something? Granted, I’ve never been in such twu a wuv as Bella has, so feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. But, she just essentially told Jake, “I want to kiss Edward forever and I won’t kiss you. Deal with it.” and as I just mentioned, pretty much the last 2 books were devoted to that fact, I don’t understand the sudden pity party. (+1 Stupidity)
The more I think about it, the less it makes sense. I mean, unless Jacob stepped on Bella’s toe when she was on her way out, or if she just watched the first 15 minutes of Up. Maybe she’s just sad that God kills puppies and kitties every day? That seems like something Bella would do.
Bella: *SOBS WILDLY*
Edward: Why are you crying, Lambykins?
Bella: The earth…it rotates on it’s own axis!
Edward: Yeah. Why does that make you cry like a little bitch?
Bella: I don’t know. I guess I just never realized it before.
Bella: Why doesn’t the earth’s spinning make us dizzy?!? Why, Edward?!?*SOBS MORE*
Whatever. Edward hides in Bella’s room while she deals with Chuck. Chuck is not exactly thrilled that Bella will be humping Sparklepeen instead of his BFF’s kid. But, Chuck sees that Bella is an emotional wreck, and simply says, “Kay.” I can’t imagine that would ever happen in a normal household. But what the hey, Charlie is a Meyerland dude, and is therefore terrified of estrogen. (+1 Stupidity) Bella stumbles up to her room, curls up it Eddie’s marbley arms, and sobs her brains out. Cue inner monologue about how much she sucks.
“My hindsight seemed unbearably clear tonight. I could see every mistake I’d made, every bit of harm I’d done, the small things and the big things. Each pain I’d caused Jacob, each wound I’d given Edward, stacked up into neat piles that I could not ignore or deny.”
Do you know why this whole self-deprecation thing doesn’t work for Bella? Because no one else believes it. Absolutely no one has put any fault on Bella during any of these books. Not even Jacob or Eddie are blaming Bella, for chrissakes! As far as I am concerned, Bella is sucking everyone into her black hole of self-created dramas. If someone would call her out on it, I could almost believe the sobfest going on. Almost. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella keeps on whining that she is a terrible person. I agree. Then, she goes to sleep thinking about magnets, which is dumb. I mean, sometimes I go to sleep thinking about magnets too, but not as some hackneyed metaphor. I just really like magnets. (+1 Stupidity)
Fast forward to the next morning. Bella is being all bashful about her little meltdown and Edward is concerned for her mental stability.
“I’m sorry that you had to see that,” I said. “That wasn’t fair to you.” He put his hands on either side of my face. “Bella . . . are you sure ? Did you make the right choice? I’ve never seen you in so much pain —” His voice broke on the last word.”
Edward, genius that he is, thinks that perhaps Bella may have made the wrong choice, because she was just SO hurt by it. What? Bella told Jacob that they were more just friends than anything else. She shouldn’t have been hurt by it. Poor Edward is in for some rough nights. (+1 Stupidity) Bella is immediately ashamed, and quotes a passage from Wuthering Heights, because using your own words to convey your character’s feelings is so uncool. (+1 Stupidity)
“I read the lines quietly, mostly to myself. “‘If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.’” I nodded, again to myself. “I know exactly what she means. And I know who I can’t live without.”
Somehow Edward is persuaded by a couple passages that he’s Bella’s one twu wuv. Then, they go over to the Cullen Complex, where Alice is waiting for them. Bella has decided to let Alice do her wedding, which Alice already knows, of course. she has Bella’s wedding planned to the nines, all pomp and glitz. She even has Bella’s dress picked out, and fuck what Bella may think about it. (+1 Stupidity)
Could I just get everyone to raise their hands if they still actually like Alice Cullen? I need to know who’s not getting invited to my birthday party next year.
But whatever, the dress is perfect because Alice picked it and Alice is a perfect sparklepire. Of course.
“She beamed. “Can I see your dress?” I asked. She blinked, her face blank. “Didn’t you order your bridesmaid dress at the same time? I wouldn’t want my maid of honor to wear something off the rack. ” I pretended to wince in horror.”
Bella chooses Alice to be her maid of honor, a move that leaves Angela screaming in unsuppressed fury. Sorry, Ang. Bella truly has impeccable taste when it comes to choosing bridesmaids. Maybe you should have been a hyperactive lying liar that didn’t mind kidnapping Bella for money and prizes. (+1 Bitch)
Whatever. Everyone is happy (except Angela) and Bedward go off to their meadow to have some fun in the sun. Bella talks about love and passion (gack) and out of nowhere, Edward calls the deal (the sex deal, remember?) off. What?
“What?” I gasped. “You’re backing out? No!” “I’m not backing out, Bella. I’ll still keep my side of the bargain. But you’re off the hook. Whatever you want, no strings attached.”
Edward, in a surprisingly nice move, decides that Bella should actually be able to have a wedding she likes. (+1 Redemption) He agrees to start doing some things her way, mostly so they will have some semblance of a stable relationship. Carlisle can vamp her up whenever she pleases, and sex is now on the table. Hell, they even almost have sex right there in the meadow. But, Smella stops him, because reasons. She claims she’s going to do everything right before she lets herself indulge in some mattress mambo.
“I will not leave Charlie and Renée without the best resolution I can give them. I won’t deny Alice her fun, if I’m having a wedding anyway. And I will tie myself to you in every human way, before I ask you to make me immortal. I’m following all the rules, Edward.”
How the hell can a book refer to sex so many times without using the actual word? All these flowery phrases are confusing me. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Is Meyer talking about sex, or a three-legged race? Did Bella learn everything she knows about sex from Avatar, and therefore assumes the act involves joining ponytails? My lord, if any guy ever said this to me, I would probably respond with, “What the fuck are you talking about?” Or, “What’s it like writing greeting cards for a job?” Possibly even, “Oh shit, my arc reactor replica stopped glowing. Hold on while I change the batteries. (No, I am not fucking with you.)
But really, I am just so damn confused that Meyer can think up over 100 different phrases and metaphors for sex, but reuse the word “murmur” like, 300 times.
Oh my god, I am so close to being done with this chapter that I can taste it.
“The rain started to drip through the clouds just then, a few scattered drops that made faint thuds as they struck the grass. I glowered at the sky.”
And the sky snapped back, “Stop glowering at me! I’m the goddamn sky, for fuck’s sake! Without me, you’d be breathing deadly space air, you little bitch. Are you looking at me, huh? Are you looking at ME?!? Why don’t you come over here, huh? I’ll rain on you and your pale-ass sparklebitch all fucking day if I want to. See these clouds? You know what those clouds do? They fuck shit up, you dumb ho. I can do thunder, too. I’ll thunderslap the shit out of you if you ever glower at me for releasing precious life-liquid into your pathetic earth again. Pfft. Don’t fuck with the sky, okay? I can talk, you know. Isn’t that weird?”
They get up and start heading back. Bella decides it’s time to go tell Charlie about their engagement. Given Chuck’s previous behavior, he will probably just say, “kay.” But, you never know, Hopefully, he’ll be waiting out on the porch with a shotgun. Bring a little of the deep south to Forks.
“He once again slid my ring into place on the third finger of my left hand. Where it would stay — conceivably for the rest of eternity.”
We end the main part of this book in a place that, in any other book, would be mildly climactic, but just makes me go, “yaaaaay.” Ugh. still no sex. Still no love affair. I still hate Bella.
But don’t get up. We’re not done yet.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +49
Eye Rape: +5
Cream Count: +11
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +82 Wolfballs +15