What this chapter should be called: Jacob’s still awesome
Edward creep-o-meter: 4
I’m going to make this short and sweet, because at this point I am so fucking done with Eclipse. I mean, I have Breaking Dawn to look forward to, where I’m told everything makes perfect sense and I shall have nothing to criticize. So, let’s get on with it, shall we?
This chapter is essentially a heart-to-heart between Bella and Jacob for about 20 unnecessary pages. We segue in to this with Bella being primped by Alice at Chez Cullen. Alice’s counter is strewn with cosmetics, and since obviously none of the Cullens need them (unless Jasper’s really in to drag or something) Alice must think that Bella is ugly. Perfect logic, my dear. (+1 Stupidity)
Alice is attempting to help Bella relax, but the dummy won’t stop worrying about Jacob. She can’t go see him yet because…I don’t know why. (Wizard lightning?) Alice says that Charlie needs to be kept in the dark, so Bella needs to go home and act like a good little Cullen-to-be. Why can’t she go see Jacob and then go lie to Charlie some more? Seems like it wouldn’t make a difference to me. (+1 Stupidity)
“You need to think of Charlie now. You’ve had a long day — sorry, I know that doesn’t begin to cover it — but that doesn’t mean that you can shirk your responsibilities.” Her voice was serious, almost chiding. “It’s more important now than ever that Charlie stays safely in the dark. Play your role first, Bella, and then you can do what you want second. Part of being a Cullen is being meticulously responsible.”
Okay, so despite the fact that we’ve seen all evidence to the contrary, the Cullens are super responsible now, no takesies-backsies. (+1 Stupidity) Bella is worried that she’s going to be all blood-crazy and murderous, like Bree was. Alice says it’s likely, but it may be different since Bella has chosen this beforehand. The hell with it, I say. Bella is already fucked in the head, what’s a little extra bloodlust to top it off?
“It passes,” she promised. “How soon?” She shrugged. “A few years, maybe less.”
A few years?!? Bloody hell, Alice, I’m surprised you didn’t add, “you will also have terrible diarrhea for 16 months, and your left kidney is going to be horribly itchy for awhile but you won’t be able to scratch it.” This is the understatement of the goddamn century. (+1 Stupidity)
Somehow, we get in to the conversation about how Aro and Edward, and Jane’s sparkle powers don’t work on Bella but Jasper and Alice’s do. The gist of it is that anything to do with Bella’s brain doesn’t work. Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t the chemical functions that control emotions inside the brain? So. Confused. (+1 Stupidity)
“Jane and Edward and Aro and Demetri — they work inside the mind. Jane only creates an illusion of pain. She doesn’t really hurt your body, you only think you feel it. You see, Bella? You are safe inside your mind.”
No offense, Bells, but I’ve been inside your mind. Not exactly the most stable place I’ve ever been. Whatever. Don’t care. Bella asks if Alice still sees her becoming a vampire, which she does. I guess we are supposed to believe that Bella is conflicted and that there’s still a chance she could pick Jacob. I tend to doubt it. We flash forward, and Bella goes home in a new dress to convince Charlie she was really shopping and not in the middle of a supernatural turf war.
Flash forward. Bella goes home, and Chuck is indeed suspicious. But, he seems to buy Bella’s story (because if he didn’t, that would result in the dreaded t-word) and assures her that Jacob will be fine. Not to get too nitpicky, but why is everyone swallowing this “motorcycle accident” story? Sure, Jake’s got some broken bones, but what about the conspicuous lack of road rash or other abrasions? Everyone in these books are fucking idiots. (+1 Stupidity)
Charlie says that weird things have been happening at the rez, and it was almost like Billy knew Jake was going to get hurt. He also notes that some wolves were howling before Jake made it home.
“Then the howling started again right outside the house. I’ve never heard anything like it — I had goose bumps on my arms. I asked Billy — had to shout over the noise — if he’d been setting traps in his yard. It sounded like the animal was in serious pain.” I winced, but Charlie was so caught up in his story that he didn’t notice. “’Course I forgot all about that till just this minute, ’cause that’s when Jake made it home. One minute it was that wolf yowling, and then you couldn’t hear it anymore — Jake’s cussing drowned it right out.”
Good work, Police Chief Swan. This man asks real important questions, doesn’t he? Based on his attitude towards this, I wonder what his approach to crime-solving is like.
*GETAWAY CAR DRIVES PAST, SHOOTING BULLETS EVERYWHERE*
Charlie: That car was sure strange. I hope Bella makes meatloaf for dinner.
Carlisle came over to fix Jake up (why doesn’t Charlie think it’s strange that they didn’t take him to a fucking HOSPITAL?!?) and Edward was with him, which Chuck thinks was nice. Yeah, it was. You know what else would have been nice? If he went to comfort his “soulmate” after she had just witnessed a brutal dismemberment and decapitation. (+1 Red Flag) Fuck, after seeing shit like that, I wouldn’t be ashamed to admit I needed some cookies and a hug.
Bella’s inevitable inner monologue fires up, and she notes how “breakable” Jake is, and how she’s going to have to break him further. (+1 Angst) Yadda yadda yadda, I can’t believe innocent trees died for this. There’s some stilted conversation about how Chuck wants Bells to just tell him before she runs off with Sparklepeen. Bella feels terrible (yawn) and then runs out the door to go see Jacob. When she gets there, Doc C and Eddiekins are already gone.
“Carlisle’s black Mercedes was not in front of Billy’s house. That was both good and bad. Obviously, I needed to talk to Jacob alone. Yet I still wished I could somehow hold Edward’s hand, like I had before, when Jacob was unconscious.”
In a sentence that renders the entire point of this book useless, Bella admits that she’s not going to be popping out wolf babies anytime soon. Bella can’t live without Edward, end of story. (+1 Stupidity)
No? Okay, fine. Bella goes in to Jake’s room and they talk about love. Jacob says he’s sorry, and feelings. Bella blames herself. (As she should.) Jacob says things. Bella cries. Jacob smiles. And I could not care less.
“I’ll be your friend, Bella,” he said quietly. “I won’t ask for more than that.” “I think it’s too late for that, Jake. How can we be friends, when we love each other like this?”
I like Jacob. I truly believe that he’s a decent person who’s just done some stupid shit. Jacob is not the problem here. Here he is, throwing in the towel and offering to just be friends, but Bella insists on rehashing the whole “love” ordeal! Jacob is done, and Bella is being a horrid bitch by dragging the whole thing out longer. (+1 Bitch)
Bella then talks about the future she saw with Jake. He agrees that would be nice, but he knows she’s too addicted to her sparkly heroin for it to happen.
“…I saw the whole thing — our whole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I want to stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I can’t, and it’s killing me.”
Well, isn’t that a pisser?!? Bella acknowledges that her life with Jake and his wolf babies would be great. But noo, she’ll have none of that, because she has to stay with her creepy undead boi toi. (+1 Stupidity) Does this not remind anyone of women who stay in abusive relationships because they claim they “have to?!?” Bella needs Edward like I need a punch in the face. (Please don’t punch me in the face.) (+1 Red Flag)
They move on to discuss Bella’s wedding. It’s going to be grand. Bella will probably be rocking her chucks and complaining about how stupid everything is. Bella continues to blab about love, while Jacob thinks, “you dumb bitch, I just had half my body broken. Go away and let me sleep.” (Probably.) Bella kisses his cheek, because we haven’t fucked the guy’s head enough, (+1 Bitch) and Bella leaves.
“He watched me walk out of his room with an unfathomable expression in his black eyes.”
Stop. Describing. Damn. Eyes. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +2
Thesaurus Rape: +49
Eye Rape: +5
Cream Count: +11
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +82 Wolfballs +15