What this chapter should be called: Why are there still 2 chapters after this?
Edward creep-o-meter: 5
Well, folks, we are nearing the end of the crapfest that has been Eclipse. This chapter here is pretty much the last one with any real substance, and yet somehow, there are still 2 more chapters after this. There are some things I am never going to understand, and Stephenie Meyer’s writing is one of them.
Let’s just read this chapter, okay? Finding the courage to dive in to one of these things is kind of like ripping off a band-aid. A band-aid that’s practically fused to your skin, stuck to your hair, and to top it off, the majority of your wound is adhered to the sticky part instead of the nice little cotton pad.
Bella is being all sad and shocked, while Edward and and Seth pick up vampire pieces and put them in a pile.
“I didn’t have time to recover before both he and Seth were back, Edward with his arms full of Riley. Seth was carrying a large chunk — the torso — in his mouth. They added their burden to the pile, and Edward pulled a silver rectangle from his pocket. He flipped open the butane lighter and held the flame to the dry tinder. ”
So, Seth has Riley’s torso in his freaking mouth? That can’t taste good. Then again, I wonder if a werewolf would eat a vampire. Not for the taste, but just out of spite. Kind of like the way I always start with the head of the gummy bear.
Oh, and the vampire corpses are burning, by the way. How can something as hard as marble and is nearly invulnerable catch fire with only a couple twigs for tinder? I called up my fourth cousin (who is an avid pyromaniac) on this one. He agreed with me, then told me to stop reading stupid shit. (+1 Stupidity) Bella clutches her rock spike/dagger thing, and watches Eddie and Seth collect all vamp pieces (right down to the last pubic hair) and systematically burn them.
“And then they were done, and the raging fire was sending a pillar of choking purple toward the sky. The thick smoke curled up slowly, looking more solid than it should; it smelled like burning incense, and the scent was uncomfortable. It was heavy, too strong.”
Barring the fact that there is a huge pillar of smoke going up into the sky and someone is going to see that shit and call the National Guard, (+1 Stupidity) vampires burn in funky purple smoke that smells like incense? What, are they made up of pretty colors and cinnamon? (+1 Stupidity)
Whatever. Bella stands there and trembles and clutches her drama dagger, while Edward approaches her like she’s a skittish horse or something, asking her to drop the rock.
“You don’t have to be afraid, Bella,” Edward murmured. “You’re safe. I won’t hurt you.” The mystifying promise only confused me further. I stared at him like an imbecile, trying to understand. “It’s going to be all right, Bella. I know you’re frightened now, but it’s over. No one is going to hurt you. I won’t touch you. I won’t hurt you,” he said again.”
I think we’re a little past “like” and imbecile, Bella, dear. (+1 Stupidity) Edward is confused, thinking Bella will be afraid of him after what he did. She steps forward and trips, only the second time we’ve seen supposedly “clumsy” Bella do so. It’s a convenient ruse, though, for Edward to catch her. Then, there is much sobbing and kissing and cuddling, as Bella gushes about love and Wuthering Heights. (Probably.) Seth just sits there, looking cool. Edward starts to blab about how Bella should be scared of him right now.
“Bella, I just” — he hesitated and then forced the words out — “I just beheaded and dismembered a sentient creature not twenty yards from you. That doesn’t bother you?” He frowned at me. I shrugged.”
Remember, kiddies: murder is okay, as long as you only kill bad people. (+1 Stupidity)
And then, suddenly, something happens. Seth howls, Edward yells, they both holler up a storm. Whatever. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Jacob is injured (I would say dead, but that would be too interesting a plot development for Meyer to pull off) and is in pain, wherever he is. I’m totally right, too, because Bella immediately gets all fainty.
“I’d burned through all my adrenaline. My body had nothing left. I sagged, and Edward caught me before I could hit the rocks. He sprang to his feet, me in his arms.”
Good Lord, Bella, could you possibly be a little more pathetic? You don’t even know what’s happened, for chrissakes. (+1 Angst) Get off your pale ass, ask what’s going on, and do something.
Ugh. It really probably is Jacob who is hurt, because Edward refuses to tell Bella what just happened. He tells Seth to go home, and mentions that the Volturi have decided to get involved.
“The Volturi. Too much. My mind refused to make sense of the words, pretended it couldn’t understand.”
Honey, this isn’t rocket science. He just told you, and it’s not our fault you’re dumb as a brick. Personally, I’m just shocked that the Volturi have decided to show up now. They’re a little slow on the draw, dont’cha think? I mean, after a couple centuries, you’d think they would have impeccable timing. Guess not. The more I think about it, the Volturi really should have shown up, like, 6 chapters ago. Did their VW tour bus break down outside Cleveland or something? (+1 Stupidity)
So some of the Volturi, headed up by Jane, are coming, which means we have to send the werewolves away because…reasons. I guess the Volturi are just more of cat people.
“They had to leave quickly. The Volturi do not honor truces with werewolves.” I could hear my breathing get faster, but I couldn’t control it. I started to gasp. “I swear they will be fine,” Edward promised me. “The Volturi won’t recognize the scent — they won’t realize the wolves are here; this isn’t a species they are familiar with. The pack will be fine.”
What? How will the Volturi not recognize the scent, especially if they have run in to other werewolves before? This makes no sense. Besides, I was under the impression that the Volturi were all-knowing, all-powerful vamps. Are you really telling me that they won’t smell the wolves? The very same wolves that leave wolf stink in Bella’s hair hours after they’re gone? Really?!? (+1 Stupidity)
Jane: Hey, do you guys smell that?
Demetri: Yeah, it kinda smells like wolf…but also kind of like a man.
Jane: You mean like a man who is also a wolf?
Felix: Whoa, guys. This doesn’t smell anything like werewolf, even though I don’t see how werewolves would all smell different.
Jane: You’re right. It must be a wolf stapled to a man, or maybe some burnt popcorn.
Demetri: That makes sense.
While they do the super sparkle run back to the rest of the fam, Bella has the sense to ask why Seth was howling like he’d been forced to read aloud a portion of 50 Shades of Grey.
“What happened?!” “One of the newborns was hiding. . . . Leah found him — she was being stupid, cocky, trying to prove something. She engaged him alone. . . .”
Of course, since Leah is a woman, she’ll obviously need someone to ride in and save her. Just forget the fact that Seth had no trouble taking out a newborn on his own, and he’s just as young and inexperienced as Leah. Try not to think rational thoughts, mkay? (+1 Stupidity) Edward says that yes, it was Jacob who got hurt, so Bella does the only thing she’s capable of and faints. (+1 Angst)
We fast forward to the clearing with the rest of the clan. Everyone is sitting around, waiting for the Volturi to make their grand appearance.
“Alice, how long do we have?” Edward demanded, his voice still tense; Carlisle’s soothing words had not helped. From farther away, Alice’s voice. It was brightly chipper. “Another five minutes. And Bella will open her eyes in thirty-seven seconds.”
The hell? I thought Alice only saw the results of decisions made! Did Bella decide to open her eyes in 37 seconds or something? Alice Cullen, you sit upon a throne of lies. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella finally comes around. Edward assures her that Jacob will be fine. One of the newborns got their arms around him, but only half the bones in his body were crushed. He’s going to be just fine.
“The newborn got his arms around him. Most of the bones on the right half of his body were shattered.” I flinched. “Sam and Paul got there in time. He was already improving when they took him back to La Push.” “He’ll be back to normal?” I asked. “Yes, Bella. He won’t have any permanent damage.” I took a deep breath.”
Okay, barring the accidental nightmare fuel, does anyone else realize what serious body horror this is? Jacob’s bones were not just broken, they were crushed! What happens if they don’t set right? He may heal, but that doesn’t have any guarantee that he’ll heal correctly. What happens to the bone shards still in his body? What about the obvious amount of pain Jacob will be going through as his own skeleton mends? I’m not even going in to what muscle, tissue, and internal organ damage Jacob probably has.
Bella notes a small newbie curled up beside the vampire-burning pyre. Apparently, good guy Carlizzle gave her the option to surrender, and she did. Wait a minute – we’re putting bloodbag Bella in the same area as a blood-crazy newbie? What the fuck, Edward? (+1 Red Flag) Does anyone in this book ever think ahead? When the newbie chick sees Bella, she starts to wail and nearly goes all crazy.
“How can you stand it?” the girl groaned in a high, clear voice. “I want her.” Her bright crimson irises focused on Edward, through him, beyond him to me, and her nails ripped through the hard soil again.”
The newbie (who I’m guessing is Bree Tanner) is immediately infatuated with Smelly Swan, much like everyone else in these books. I can’t say I’m surprised. (+1 Stupidity)
“Shouldn’t we move away from her?” I whispered, tugging on Edward’s arm. The girl’s lips pulled back over her teeth when she heard my voice, her expression one of torment. “We have to stay here,” Edward murmured. “They are coming to the north end of the clearing now.”
Suddenly, the Volturi appear out of the incense-smoke, their cloaks billowing. WTF, guys, cloaks?!? You’re in Forks, WA, not Anne Rice’s pool party. You would think that the Volturi would try to blend a little better, seeing as they’re so committed to protecting the “vampires exist” secret. I guess not. (+1 Stupidity) Maybe they just like the attention, like the pretentious hipster fuckheads who tell you all about the “novel” they’re writing while you’re in line at Starbucks. (Bonus points if they read you a passage off their MacBook.)
Anyhoo, the Volturi is being headed up by Jane this time. Marcus was too busy updating his trashy celebrity gossip blog, I guess. Whatever. I like Jane. Both she and Aro have this menacing air about them, which makes them much more interesting enemies than dumb old Victoria. Jane tortures people with her brain, for chrissakes! All Victoria does is run around and make bastard children, kind of like an undead Kate Gosselin. (+1 Stupidity)
“Jane’s gaze moved slowly across the luminous faces of the Cullens and then touched on the newborn girl beside the fire; the newborn had her head in her hands again.”
Uh, luminous? So, their faces were radiating or reflecting light, as that is the definition most commonly associated with the word? Meyer, why don’t you just tell us that they’re Mormon angels or something and be done with it. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Edward notes that Jane’s timing is almost a little too perfect, and he assumes that the Volturi wouldn’t mind if the Cullens died. I don’t understand this. Aro is more Team Edward than the most Team Edward-iest fangirl out there. Aro wants Edward in his super secret boy band, he let him go even though he broke the number one rule of vampirism, and he probably has a life size cutout positioned strategically behind his door. So, why all these sneaky, underhanded ways to try to off the entirety of Clan Cullen? Nobody knows. (+1 Stupidity)
Jane starts brain-torturing newbie Bree for information on what Victoria was doing. Bree eagerly coughs up all of what she knows about Vickie and the newbie army. Then, Jane orders Felix to kill Bree, because the Volturi aren’t big on rule-breakers getting second chances.
“We don’t make exceptions,” she said. “And we don’t give second chances. It’s bad for our reputation.”
Except that is a boldfaced lie, and we all know it. Edward already has gotten a second chance for breaking previously mentioned number one rule of vampirism, and all he had to do was apologize sincerely. Not to mention the little topless jaunt he took through Volterra. Are you telling me the Aro really didn’t care about that? (There were children around! Think of the children!) Bella is also still human, which breaks the arrangement they set up last book, so technically Eddie is on his third chance. (+1 Stupidity) Based on these facts, I assumed that Bree’s punishment would be a lot less severe. Like, maybe she would have to buy them all ice cream or something.
Whatever. Felix dismembers Bree, the Volturi go to load back up into the Shaggin’ Wagon (my nickname for the VW bus I’m nearly certain they have) and do some righteous marijuana before hitting up Taco Bell. Bedward’s only punishment for breaking Volturi law is a sassy warning. Jacob is going to heal from his injuries and not have so much as a backache when he’s done. Emmett takes up Yeti-hunting when he’s not mounting machine guns on his surfboard.
And everything is peachy in the town of Forks.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +1
Thesaurus Rape: +48
Eye Rape: +5
Cream Count: +11
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +80 Wolfballs +15