What this chapter should be called: Fun with force-kissing
Edward creep-o-meter, now factoring in douchebagginess: 7
Well, folks, I’m not exactly sure what to say here. This book, which has been about as predictable as a bus schedule, threw me for a bit of a loop. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to get it over with: the end of this chapter is four whole pages of Jacob and Bella making out. Really. And afterwards, Bella sobs because of her pathetic mixed emotions, and I sobbed because this chapter made about as much sense as my drunken uncle’s frequent “congressmen are secretly lizard-people from Jupiter” tirades.
Ugh. It’s the morning after the sleeping bag snuggle party. Edward makes some quip about the space heater not being necessary. Bella tries to wiggle out of Jacob’s grasp, and is about as successful as you would think. Edward responds by unzipping the sleeping bag, which dumps Jacob on the cold ground. Shenanigans ensue.
“Edward unzipped the sleeping bag in a swift, abrupt movement. Jacob fell out, his bare back hitting the icy floor of the tent. “Hey!” he complained, his eyes flying open. Instinctively, he flinched away from the cold, rolling onto me. I gasped as his weight knocked the breath out of me. And then his weight was gone. I felt the impact as Jacob flew into one of the tent poles and the tent shuddered.”
Um, okay. First, wouldn’t unzipping the sleeping bag just result in Jacob kind of slowly rolling out? (+1 Stupidity) Also, Edward, you dickhead, why didn’t you just wake Jacob up? (+1 Red Flag) Lastly, I imagine I’m supposed to be impressed by Edward throwing Jacob across the tent, but as stated last chapter, unless this is one of those tents from Harry Potter, Sparklepeen only threw Wolfballs about six inches. (+1 Stupidity)
Whoof. When a bunch of obviously stupid things come at me all at once, I get a little flustered. Give me a minute.
Alright. So, Bella is stuck in the middle of two pissed mythological creatures. Somehow, she manages to get them both to stand down by putting a hand on each of their chests and repeatedly stammering, “stop it.” Which, you know, is pretty par for course. Whatever. Mostly, Edward and Jacob stand off for the 274th time. If I thought there was any possibility of anything beyond a few insults happening, I would actually care.
After everyone calms down, Jacob curls up to try to get some more sleep. Apparently Bella was sleep-talking all last night.
“I didn’t get a lot of sleep. I thought Bella was never going to shut up.” I winced, wondering what might have come out of my mouth in my sleep. The possibilities were horrifying. “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself,” Edward murmured. Jacob’s dark eyes fluttered open. “Didn’t you have a nice night, then?” he asked, smug. “It wasn’t the worst night of my life.” “Did it make the top ten?” Jacob asked with perverse enjoyment. “Possibly.”
Edward says that if he had been able to trade places with Jacob, it would not have even made the 10 best nights of his life, so ha ha ha! Dickwad. (+1 Red Flag) Jacob gets all dark and moody at this, and then turns to leave.
“Pain crackled down my spine and lodged in my stomach as I abruptly realized that this could be the last time I would see him. He was going back to Sam, back to fight the horde of bloodthirsty newborn vampires.”
That very first sentence conjured up a nice, vivid image of Bella’s spine breaking, and I’m not sure if that was intentional or not. Probably not. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Actually, I take it back, Bella doesn’t even have a spine to break, as she proves when she turns around and begs Jacob to stay.
“Please, Jake? Won’t you stay?” “No.” The word was hard and cold. I knew my face gave away my pain, because he exhaled and half a smile softened his expression. “Don’t worry about me, Bells. I’ll be fine, just like I always am.” He forced a laugh. “’Sides, you think I’m going to let Seth go in my place — have all the fun and steal all the glory?”
Good on you, Jake. Don’t bend to whiny Bella’s pathetic whims. Jacob leaves (or does he?) and Bella is left with only Edward to cuddle with. Somehow, they end up talking about the best nights of their pathetic lives. I’m kind of disappointed that neither of them mention the night The Avengers was released in theaters, or $1 pretzel night at the Quik-E Mart.
“You could tell me about your ten best nights,” I suggested. “I’m curious.” He laughed. “Try to guess.” I shook my head. “There’re too many nights I don’t know about. A century of them.” “I’ll narrow it down for you. All of my best nights have happened since I met you.”
Wow, Edward is kind of a loser, isn’t he? Did he like, not have a life before Bella happened? What the hell did he do all the time? Sit around and brood and play lullabies? If I was and super strong and smart and fast and rich and had telepathic powers, I would be a freaking superhero. Or curing cancer, or solving world hunger. I would be doing something. You would think someone like Edward would at least have a couple memories that didn’t involve Bella. (+1 Stupidity)
But whatever. Bella mentions that one of her favorite nights was flying home from Italy. Right. That sweet, tender, romantic night where no one bothered to think about the innocent tourists that the Volturi slaughtered. Ah, romance. (+1 Stupidity) Anyways, now that Bella has confessed, it’s Eddie’s turn. And this is what sets off a chain of events that I dare – no, I challenge you to find any logic in.
“Tell me one of yours, now. Did I guess your first place?” “No — that would be two nights ago, when you finally agreed to marry me.”
Edward suddenly asks if Bella’s warm enough, and then Jacob fucking loses it.
“Before he could answer, the silence outside the tent was ripped apart by an earsplitting howl of pain. The sound ricocheted off the bare rock face of the mountain and filled the air so that it seared from every direction. The howl tore through my mind like a tornado, both strange and familiar. Strange because I’d never heard such a tortured cry before.”
In short, Jacob didn’t know that Bedward were engaged, and now he’s in emotional agony, and Bella is shocked.
Let’s just stop the car right here, okay? First off, why is Jacob taking the time to eavesdrop? There’s a fucking battle going on. Remember, the battle that can only be won with Jasper’s patented “move sideways” technique? The battle that Edward is sitting out of because Bella is sad, the one that will be lost if Jacob doesn’t show up? The battle that we have been waiting 400+ pages for? That battle is occurring in a freakin’ hour, and yet Jacob is sitting around tent-spying? (+1 Stupidity) It’s not like he suspects Edward is going to reveal a big secret, and he already knows that Bella is hopping on the next plane to Sparkleville. What is Jacob hoping to accomplish by this? (+1 Stupidity)
Bella: Hey, Eddie, don’t tell anyone, but I’m going to get Jacob a cotton candy maker for Christmas.
Edward: Awesome. Also, this is a secret, but I cried during WALL-E.
Wolf Jacob: *snicker*
Edward: Hey, did you hear that?
Bella: Whatever. Let’s have sex now.
And fine, let’s play Devil’s advocate and say that there is some big secret Jacob is hoping to hear. It doesn’t matter how far away he is, because Seth Clearwater is right there, like a furry walkie-talkie. (+1 Stupidity) Bella should already know that anything they’re about to say is going to get back to Jacob. Dumb bitch.
God, my Nonsense Alarm is ringing so loud I can’t hear myself think.
Also, let’s not forget that this scream/howl thing is completely out of character. Jacob’s love for Bella is unrequited. Unrequited love does not make you scream like you’re being dipped in acid while simultaneously being forced to watch Jack and Jill. Jacob is tough, and he shouldn’t be screaming. (+1 Stupidity)
(Then again, maybe all characters are about to undergo a major flip-flop in personality. Perhaps next chapter it will be revealed that Emmett loves calculus more than karate, Leah is actually a lesbian, and Mike Newton is not a serial killer.)
So really, I don’t know what this scream is all about. It’s probably because dear Stephenie needed a way to make Jacob look less awesome than Edward. But still, it makes no sense. It’s not like Jacob didn’t know Bella was in love with Edward and that she was planning on becoming a vampire. This is old news. (+1 Stupidity)
“Jacob was listening,” I whispered. It wasn’t a question. “Yes.” “You knew.” “Yes.” I stared at nothing, seeing nothing. “I never promised to fight fair,” he reminded me quietly. “And he deserves to know.”
Edward’s really kind of a dick sometimes, huh? (+1 Red Flag) Bella sits there and feels horrible (…why?) and wants to talk to Jacob. Edward says that Jacob is already miles away, and Bella stumbling after him is not going to help them win the battle. Hey, you know what would help win the battle? If Edward stopped being such an emo assnugget and went and helped. (+1 Stupidity)
But, y’know, fuck logic, so Edward goes out to bring Jacob back to camp so that Bella can talk to him. Grr.
“Do you want me to see if I can bring him back, so that you can talk to him? There’s still a little time,” Edward murmured, hushed agony in his voice. I nodded into his chest, afraid to see his face. “Stay by the tent. I’ll be back soon.”
This is beyond stupid. This is just plain idiotic. Jacob wants to help fight the battle, and yet we’re pulling him out so Bella can talk about her feelings? WTF? (+1 Stupidity) Bella needs to buck the hell up. Maybe she should just let Jacob go. She knows she’s caused him enough pain already, and yet she keeps dragging him back! She drags him back under the pretense of apologizing, when we all know it’s really just so she doesn’t feel guilty, because everything is about Bella, Bella, Bella! Bella is a toxic person who needs to stop wrecking everyone else’s lives. (+1 Bitch)
While Edward is out catching Jacob, Bella sits on her ass and mopes.
“I was like Cathy, like Wuthering Heights, only my options were so much better than hers, neither one evil, neither one weak. And here I sat, crying about it, not doing anything productive to make it right. Just like Cathy.”
So let me just plop down and wallow in self pity. I’m a soul-sucking bitch who deserves it. I hate myself. But I will not change, no siree. (+1 Bitch)
“Why was that so hard? So very much more difficult than saying goodbye to my other friends, to Angela, to Mike? Why did that hurt ? It wasn’t right. That shouldn’t be able to hurt me. I had what I wanted.”
Uh, you have one person to be your companion, friend and lover for the rest of eternity. Who needs other people? Maybe you should have saved yourself all the holes in your torso and just bought a decent vibrator, you dumb bitch. (+1 Bitch)
“I walked slowly back to the little clearing, my feet dragging. When I broke into the open space, blinking against the sharp light, I threw one quick glance toward Seth — he hadn’t moved from his bed of pine needles — and then looked away, avoiding his eyes.”
Seth is still lying there, probably thinking, “I can’t believe my friends and family are going to get murdered because this dumbass wants to talk about love.” Then, he suddenly starts whining, and Bella realizes she doesn’t speak wolf, so she’s fucked with a capital fuck me. Good.
“Seth jumped to his feet again suddenly, the hackles on the back of his neck standing up stiffly. I looked around, but saw nothing. If Seth didn’t cut it out, I was going to throw a pinecone at him.”
Yeah, and maybe he’ll eat you. Try it. (+1 Bitch)
But nope, it’s just Edward and Jacob returning from the forest. Awesome. Edward and Seth go off to do…stuff, which leaves Bella and Jacob alone at the campsite. Bella begins to apologize, for…I really don’t know. Why did she even bother to call Jake back from the battle? Really, all she says is, “I’m sorry I don’t love you and that I’m such a horrible person.” Couldn’t this have waited? Have I not mentioned that there is a turf war about to happen? Jesus. (+1 Stupidity)
Ugh, I don’t care. Bella admits she’s been horribly inconsiderate of Jacob’s feelings and she needs to fix that.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish. I wish I’d never met you, so I couldn’t hurt you the way I have. I won’t do it anymore, I promise. I’ll stay far away from you. I’ll move out of the state. You won’t have to look at me ever again.”
How does that help? She’s going to make Jacob feel better by cutting him out of her life? What? (+1 Stupidity) Jacob better never go to Bella complaining of allergies. She’ll try to cure him by running his foot over with her truck.
And then, just to make things a little more unbelievable, Jacob says that he will go back and fight, and intentionally die a heroic death, therefore solving everyone’s problems. At least that’s what I think he says. Meyer kind of dances around the whole thing, like a poet or artist who thinks it’s better to allude to an event than actually mention it.
“There’s a pretty serious fight brewing down there. I don’t think it will be that difficult to take myself out of the picture.”
Sooo, Jacob could be going to:
1. Kill himself.
2. Leave the fight to stay with Bella.
3. Photoshop himself out of a picture.
But I speak Meyerish, so I know that Jacob is planning on killing himself, because he’d rather die than see Bella with a vampire. (+1 Angst)
What the fuck.
What the hell is it with Meyer and glorifying suicide?!? This is the third goddamn time that a character has wanted/tried to commit suicide to avoid confronting their problems. Does Meyer think that suicide = love or something?!? NO. NOT GODDAMN COOL, STEPHENIE. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella starts to beg Jacob to reconsider, promising him anything he wants. (Quick, Jake! Ask for a Xbox and a Slurpee machine!) She then just tries asking politely, which doesn’t work out so well. Finally, those manipulative weaselly instincts kick in, and…
“Will you kiss me, Jacob?” His eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed suspiciously. “You’re bluffing.” “Kiss me, Jacob. Kiss me, and then come back.”
Kids, leave the room. This is about to become PG-13. Jacob steps across the campsite and kisses her in a kiss that make all of Sparklepeen’s previous kisses look like handshakes. (Limp fish handshakes, too.)
“One hand moved to the nape of my neck, twisting into a fist around the roots of my hair. The other hand grabbed roughly at my shoulder, shaking me, then dragging me to him. His hand continued down my arm, finding my wrist and pulling my arm up around his neck. I left it there, my hand still tightly balled up, unsure how far I could go in my desperation to keep him alive. All the while his lips, disconcertingly soft and warm, tried to force a response out of mine.”
Bella just stands there at first, but then discovers that she likes Jacob’s warm kisses, and starts to kiss back. There is rubbing and nuzzling, so much that you can almost hear slow jazz in the background. I don’t know how their clothes have stayed on. It’s easily the hottest scene in the whole book.
“His burning hand found the skin at the small of my back, and he yanked me forward, bowing my body against his. His lips gave up on mine for a moment, but I knew he was nowhere close to finished. His mouth followed the line of my jaw, and then explored the length of my neck. He freed my hair, reaching for my other arm to draw it around his neck like the first. Then both of his arms were constricted around my waist, and his lips found my ear. “You can do better than this, Bella,” he whispered huskily. “You’re overthinking it.” I shivered as I felt his teeth graze my earlobe. “That’s right,” he murmured. “For once, just let yourself feel what you feel.”
While this is technically a force-kiss (+2 Red Flag) forget anything I’ve previously said on the subject, because Bella’s way into it.
“My brain disconnected from my body, and I was kissing him back. Against all reason, my lips were moving with his in strange, confusing ways they’d never moved before — because I didn’t have to be careful with Jacob, and he certainly wasn’t being careful with me. My fingers tightened in his hair, but I was pulling him closer now.”
Bella describes the kiss in more detail, not caring what Eddie may think. Awesome. Bella realizes she’s also in love with Jacob, which I almost care about. (It’s not like we don’t all know she picks Eddie, and Jacob ends up with the kiddie consolation prize.) Oh, and here’s a gem. This part may be the hottest part, but it’s also unintentionally hilarious.
“In this moment, it felt as though we were the same person. His pain had always been and would always be my pain — now his joy was my joy. I felt joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow also pain.”
What the – I just – yo, Taco, Lyle, have I in some way confused a LotD entry with Eclipse? Because this is laughter-inducing and cringe-worthy. I swear I’ve read it in some ungodly work of fanfiction. Sweet Jesus, I’m laughing at such a high pitch I’m starting to upset the neighbor’s schnauzer. God, now I’m crying with laughter…that is happiness and also pain, which is somehow pain mixed with happiness and other pain.
Someone grab me a needle so I can tattoo this on my hand. I will never be depressed again, because every time I look at my hand I will break into a laugh riot.
Whatever. Bella realizes that she is in love with Jacob too, and fantasizes about going with him instead of Sparklepeen and popping out a couple wolf babies. Then she cries.
Bella, will you please just do something productive already?
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +3 Wolfballs +2
Thesaurus Rape: +45
Eye Rape: +5
Cream Count: +11
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +78 Wolfballs +15