What this chapter should be called: Camping sex is in-tents
Edward creep-o-meter: 5
I’m kind of excited about this chapter, actually. This is the chapter that contains the famous “tent scene” that Twihards everywhere claim is the absolute definition of true love. On the other hand, this chapter contains the “tent scene” that will probably be full of sexual tension and melodramatic declarations of love. Hmm. It’s a bit of a double-edged blade, I guess. (Seriously, though, light a candle and turn on some Barry Manilow. It’s about to get sexual up in here.)
But, for some reason, we have to start with Bella freezing her skinny ass off.
“The temperature was dropping. I could feel it through the down bag, through my jacket. I was fully dressed, my hiking boots still laced into place. It didn’t make any difference. How could it be so cold?”
Yeah, why exactly did we think it was a good idea to put Bella in a tent? Why not, you know, a house, or a car with a working heater? Naw, let’s just pop her in a flimsy tent. What possible benefit could this even have? (+1 Stupidity) Unless, are newborn vampires, like, allergic to tents or something?
Newborn 1: Guys, we’re totally gonna kill Bella today!
Newborn 2: Yeah, unless she’s in a tent. Then we’re all fucked.
Newborn 1: Wait, what? I thought tents were just made up by vampire parents to scare their vampire kids!
Newborn 2: Nah, they’re totally real.
Newborn 1: : Oh God, no! Not the tents! Anything but the tents! *kills self*
Moving on. Edward is all aflutter because he’s useless right now. Ha!
“Jacob whimpered, a high-pitched, grating sound of complaint. “What do you want me to do?” Edward growled, too anxious to bother with politeness anymore. “Carry her through that ? I don’t see you making yourself useful. Why don’t you go fetch a space heater or something?”
Heh, “fetch.” I see what you did there, Meyer. I’m starting to see where this chapter may be leading. Jacob enters the tent, and tells Ed to stop telling him to fetch things, because he’s not a fucking St. Bernard. He moves over to “warm Bella up” (snigger) and Edward freaks the fuck out.
“Edward’s hand was suddenly hard on his shoulder, restraining, snow white against the dark skin. Jacob’s jaw clenched, his nostrils flaring, his body recoiling from the cold touch. The long muscles in his arms flexed automatically. “Get your hand off of me,” he growled through his teeth. “Keep your hands off of her,” Edward answered blackly.”
Dude, this tent must be fricking huge if it can accomodate a 6’5” werewolf, a 6 foot marble vampire, and a average human teenage girl, and still leave room for movement. (+1 Stupidity) Unless – ooh! Is it one of the magical tents from Harry Potter? That would make sense. Also, I wish I could say things blackly. All I can do is say things whitely. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Sparklepeen and Wolfballs have a little spat over Bella for the 18th time, can we please do something else now? Actually, I take that back, keep fighting. Then when Bella curls up and dies from hypothermia, these books will be over.
Sadly, Edward realizes letting Jake and Bells snuggle will be the best way to ensure she gets to keep all her toes. Damn. So, shirtless Jacob slides into the sleeping bag with Bella.
And runs his hands all over her body.
And suggests she take off her clothes to help speed up the warming process.
Oh, this is getting good.
Bella refuses, because she’s still angry about Jacob’s bad kiss a few chapters ago. Edward and Jacob continue arguing. Great. Edward is feeling all useless and inadequate because he can’t warm up his girlfriend. Hah! I like it when Edward is utterly useless and pitiful. I can briefly imagine that he has a personality.
Then, we stumble upon something that really irks me. The two quotes I’m about to show you are about a paragraph apart:
“C-c-cut it out, Jake,” I said angrily, though my body refused to even try to pull away from him.”
” Jacob’s body heat seemed to radiate from every side — maybe because there was so much of him. I kicked my boots off, and pushed my toes against his legs. He jumped slightly, and then leaned his head down to press his hot cheek against my numb ear. I noticed that Jacob’s skin had a woodsy, musky scent — it fit the setting, here in the middle of the forest.It was nice.”
This just pisses me off SO much. It doesn’t even have anything to do with the whole “fire and ice” thing going on. (Which is some of the most blatant symbolism ever. The only way it could be more clichéd is if Bella was choosing between good and evil.(+1 Stupidity)) No, it’s this passive-aggressive crap that Bella is pulling on Jacob. The, “oh, go away and let’s not kiss but come closer and snuggle me” stuff. Bella needs to cut that shit out right the fuck now. It is horrible, manipulative, and downright bitchy. (+1 Bitch) I could maybe find it believable if Bella was supposed to be a manipulative little brat, but Meyer wants us to think the Bella is sweet and kind and innocent. GAH!
Moving on. Edward sits in the corner of the tent, feeling incredibly tormented, because he has to read Jacob’s dirty mind while he gropes Bella. Yo, Lullaby Lad: it was your idea to put stupid little indoorsy Bella in a flipping tent. You made your bed, now you have to watch Jacob and Bella lay in it.
I will warn you, from here on out, this chapter is all hammed-up dialogue and (gack) a heart-to-heart bonding session between Eddie and Jake. Fun times are ahead, I can feel it. First, though, Bella asks Jacob why his fur is shaggier than the rest of the wolves.
“Because my hair is longer,” he said, amused — my question hadn’t offended him, at least. He shook his head so that his unkempt hair — grown out to his chin now — tickled my cheek.”
Really, Bella? Of all the questions you could ask, you ask about hair? Fuck, that doesn’t even crack the top 50 on my list of werewolf questions. (Question 28. If I stapled your wolf tail to a tree, but then you changed forms, would your tail still be stapled to the tree?) Lord, Bella, you are so complacent and uninterested in the world around you it makes my teeth hurt. (+1 Stupidity) (Question 11. If you can read each others minds, can you also see what they’re seeing? If so, I bet you could save money by sending only 1 wolf to the movies while the rest of you stay home and read his mind.) Besides, this doesn’t even make sense. Why would hair length correlate to fur length? Do werewolf scalps move to cover their entire bodies when they transform? And what about Leah? She’s a Meyerland woman, so I’m assuming she has about shoulder-length hair. (Because short hair on girls is butch and uncool.) Does she just run around like some four-legged Cousin Itt when she wolfs out? WHY DOESN’T ANYTHING IN THIS BOOK MAKE SENSE? (+1 Stupidity)
Ugh, whatever. Now that Bella knows all the secrets of werewolf hair, she can rest easy. She starts dozing off, but is just conscious enough to hear the forced, cheesy, melodramatic, ham-handed dialogue that’s about to occur. No joke. The entire scene that’s about to occur is about as natural as a llama in a ball gown.
We start with Edward telling Jacob to keep his dirty fantasies to himself. (Sex is bad before marriage, nvr 4get.)
“I’ll try to keep it down,” Jacob whispered sarcastically. There was a brief moment of silence. “Yes,” Edward answered an unspoken thought in a murmur so low I barely made it out. “I’m jealous of that, too.”
We move forward as Jacob reminds Eddiekins that Bella could still change her mind. (We know she won’t.) Jacob says he can do all sorts of fun things with Bella, without killing her. I’m assuming he’s talking about sex, but who knows. Maybe Edward’s Bella-tolerance slips during intense rounds of mini golf. (+1 Stupidity) Edward answers a question that Jacob thinks, and things start heading downhill.
“You can always ask and see.” Edward’s tone made me wonder if I was missing out on a joke. “Well, you see inside my head — let me see inside yours tonight, it’s only fair,” Jacob said.”
And Edward does.
No joke. Edward just spills his whole cornucopia of Bella-related secrets to Jacob, his romantic rival and arguably his secondary antagonist. Come on, Edward. Are you really going to tell your sworn enemy all about how much you love Bella while said sworn enemy is dry-humping Bella in a sleeping bag? This shouldn’t be happening.(+1 Stupidity)
Edward rambles on about how true his love is, so much that it hurts when Bella is with other people out having a life away from him.(+1 Red Flag) Jesus. I’m shocked Edward hasn’t told Jacob his PIN number and his Facebook password.
“I have to use whatever I can,” Jacob muttered. “I’m not working with your advantages — advantages like her knowing she’s in love with you.” “That helps,” Edward agreed in a mild tone. Jacob was defiant. “She’s in love with me, too, you know.” Edward didn’t answer.”
Why are two teenage boys even talking about stupid girly crap like love? Shouldn’t they be talking about football and video games or something?(+1 Stupidity) Lord, this chapter is terrible. We delve in further, and somehow, Meyer manages to say a lot and not really tell us anything. After Jacob and Edward (Jedward?) get past the fact that they are both crazy jealous of each other, Jacob asks what was going through Eddie’s head when he left Bella.
“What is it like? Losing her?” Jacob asked after a quiet moment, and there was no hint of humor in his suddenly hoarse voice. “When you thought that you’d lost her forever? How did you . . . cope?” “That’s very difficult for me to talk about.”
But Jacob is like, some super psychologist, so Edward is spilling his guts by the next sentence. To paraphrase Edward’s response, “Bella was sad and that made me sad.”
Um, okay. Whatever floats your boat, Steffie. (+1 Stupidity) Jacob then gets more specific and asks how Sparklepeen felt when he thought Bella had killed herself.
“Edward’s voice came back fast and hard. “I can’t tell you how it felt. There aren’t words.”
What the FUCK, Meyer? Here you have a fantastic moment to give us a peek into Edward’s mind, to freaking develop his character, something you have put off for nearly three books, and you just cop out! WIPEUGEKJLV[WOERJ]PQOMJ EFWB QEI[RUBNQ]W
THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS?
I – just – gah – I’m just going to take long sips of my tea and try not to focus on how MONUMENTALLY STUPID this is. (+1 Stupidity)
As we near the tail end of the conversation, Jacob asks how he will feel when smelly Bella becomes a vampire, and how would Edward feel if Bella changed her mind and picked Jacob? To which the answers are 1. Sad and 2. Double sad. Gah. The lack of emotions deeper than “sad” or “happy” are really starting to bother me. Whatever. They wrap up their cutesy little heart-to-heart, by admitting that if it weren’t for mythical creatures and Bella, they would probably be best buds.
“You know, Jacob, if it weren’t for the fact that we’re natural enemies and that you’re also trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you.”
And that’s it.
Lord, I feel cheated. Meyer has been building up tension between these two for 3/4 of this book, and now has just retconned it all with a simple conversation. I wanted to see a fight! Don’t tell us that Jacob and Eddie are constantly at each others throats, and then make them suddenly sorta-okay with each other! Gah! (+1 Stupidity) And you know what? I don’t even know why the good vampires hate the werewolves. Is this little turf war only occurring for plot reasons?!?
Moving on. Eddie asks Jacob to tell him the story of the Third Wife.
“Of course,” Edward seethed. “Of course! I rather wish your elders had kept that story to themselves, Jacob.”
Um, “seethed?” Are we serious, here? We can’t just use a nice simple word that doesn’t feel too overdramatic? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Edward has now realized that Bella identifies with the character of the third wife, and wants to do something productive in tomorrow’s battle, even if she does get hurt or double sad. So, naturally, we gotta stop her. They agree on this and Jacob tries to get some sleep.
This was terrible. In the hands of a better writer, this scene might have been fantastic, which makes it even worse here. It’s just an awkward little spat over who loves Bella more. We didn’t need a whole chapter for this. (Side note: I can only imagine how awkward this scene must have been to film for the movie.) It’s just a bunch of extraneous details that could have been character development but aren’t because Meyer apparently hates personalities or something. (+1 Stupidity)
Oh, and Wolf Seth showed up at the campsite. Before we go, Edward is all scandalized at Jake’s dirty thoughts and somehow Edward suggests they get up and fight.
“Jacob whispered a laugh. “I’d rather not move just now, if you don’t mind.”
A point for “whisper laugh” (+1 Thesaurus Rape) but I still freaking love Jacob.
Thesaurus Rape: +3
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +1
Thesaurus Rape: +44
Eye Rape: +5
Cream Count: +11
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +75 Wolfballs +13