What this chapter should be called: Bella wuz here
Edward creep-o-meter: 5
* Here’s the next chapter a little early to make up for stiffing you last week. *
Alright, so we’re back to your regularly scheduled pudding for this week. (Sorry. Rhyming everything really is fucking hard.) Bella is getting dressed (thrilling, huh?) and trying very hard not to think about marriage.
She is no longer wearing her engagement ring because of this. Or maybe the ring is just impossible to detect with the naked eye.
“Though I’d given back the hand-me-down ring as soon as I could do it without hurting his feelings, my left hand felt heavier, like it was still in place, just invisible.”
Pesky invisible rings. Those things are never worth the money. I’ve bought, like, three, and they keep getting lost in the pool.
“This shouldn’t bother me, I reasoned. It was no big thing — a road trip to Vegas. I would go one better than old jeans — I would wear old sweats. The ceremony certainly couldn’t take very long; no more than fifteen minutes at the most, right? So I could handle that.”
Bella reminds us for the 15th time that weddings are really just not her cup of tea, so she’ll just have a shotgun wedding in Vegas. That way, she can wear her sweatpants with words on the ass, and when the Justice of Peace tells them to kiss, they can just fist-bump instead. Also, she’ll probably ditch her shirt, because that’s just too formal. She’s leaning towards a bikini top, or maybe just some tasteful pasties. Good Lord. As we all know, this whole marriage conundrum is entirely Bella’s self-created problem, so I don’t feel to bad for her. (+1 Bitch)
The Cullens come home, and Alice is all flustered because she’s flying blind. Jesus Christ, can we just be done with the subject of Alice’s shitty plot-dependent powers? (+1 Stupidity) Alice then turns to Edward and we talk about the weather, which could simply not be more thrilling.
“I think ” — she made a face as she used the uncertain word — “that you’re going to want to pack for cold weather, Edward.”
Why is Alice telling Edward what to pack? I thought that sparklepires were immune to cold temperatures. Unless she’s telling him what to pack for Bella, and in that case, that’s more than a little condescending. Bella is right there, after all. Does Alice really think that she’s not mature enough to pack her own clothes? Next, Alice will probably be telling Eddie to make sure he doesn’t forget Bella’s Gameboy and juice boxes. (+1 Stupidity)
I hate Bella, but I hate the way that the Cullens treat Bella even more. They all act like they’re so much better than her. Even when Bella is doing semi-useful things, like saying, “Victoria is probably behind this” the Cullens just shrug it off. I even feel somewhat sorry for Bella during these chapters.
Stop looking at me like that.
“It’s going to snow on the mountains,” she warned him. “Ew, snow,” I muttered to myself. It was June, for crying out loud.”
Uh, does Meyer ever bother to research what she’s writing about? Because according to this lovely chart provided by the Olympic National Park, there is, on average, no snow during June. I checked around the interwebs a little more, and there is no way in hell the Olympic mountains would be receiving a snowstorm in the middle of fucking June. (+1 Stupidity) But hey, I guess the plot is going to require this or something, so fuck logic.
Alice wanders around and is all snappy to Bella for reasons unknown. I’m going to go out on a limb here, and say it has something to do with Bella’s impending (non)wedding. You all can chip in to help cover my monthly therapy bill if I’m right.
While Eddiekins packs up the camping supplies, Bella calls up the Ancient and Noble House of Black to tell Jacob to meet them in an hour. Billy picks up instead, but promised to call around until he gets the news to Jake, who is running around all wolfed out.
“I wish I could be with the rest of them tomorrow.” Billy chuckled regretfully. “Being an old man is a hardship, Bella.” The urge to fight must be a defining characteristic of the Y chromosome. They were all the same.”
Hot damn, this book isn’t just sexist towards women, is it? Does Meyer really think that you need a Y chromosome to do anything productive? Last time I checked, Leah the she-wolf, Alice, Rosalie, and possibly Esme are all going to be out there kicking ass.Does Bella not think about this at all? Either Bella is more clueless than I thought or Meyer is a sloppier writer than I expected. (+1 Stupidity)
Whatever. Edward leaves Alice and Bella in the garage. Alice is looking all pathetic and miserable and whatnot, which is a little strange because she was snapping at Bella a few paragraphs ago. Hmm. Maybe a side effect of the future-vision is bipolarity.
“What’s wrong, Alice?” “Don’t you love me?” she asked in that same sad tone. “Of course I do. You know that.” “Then why do I see you sneaking off to Vegas to get married without inviting me?”
Bella flushes because Alice has called her on her little Vegas bluff. Alice whines that Bella just doesn’t love her, because if she did, she would let Alice plan her wedding. (Pay up, losers.)
“Please, please, please,” she whispered. “Please, Bella, please — if you really love me . . . Please let me do your wedding.”
This throws Bella for a loop because we know how she despises weddings and likes to be all non-traditional and stuff. Why is Alice even doing this? I understand, Bella is a whiny brat, but it is her wedding. Alice needs to stop being so damn pushy. (+1 Stupidity) But she keeps on pushing and pushing the issue, and Bella caves.
“I’m trying to make you happy, too, Bella. It’s just that I know better what will make you happy . . . in the long run. You’ll thank me for this. Maybe not for fifty years, but definitely someday.”
Once again, everyone assumes that they know what’s better for Bella than Bella does, and this is why I hate the Cullens. Has Bella ever made any decision without them pushing her around and manipulating her? (+1 Red Flag)
Alice yanks Bella’s hand out to try to see the ring. Of course, it’s invisible, so Alice is disappointed. Whatever. (I know it’s petty, but I like it when Alice doesn’t get her way. It makes me happy, and I like to think it makes me smarter, too.)
“Bella has issues with jewelry,” Edward explained. “What’s one more diamond? Well, I guess the ring has lots of diamonds, but my point is that he’s already got one on —”
Ah, so that crystal heart is a diamond! (Note to self: ROB THE CULLENS.) Bella asks about this a couple times, then drops the fact that she’s carrying around a giant hunk of diamond on her wrist. Bella Swan is a smart girl, yessiree. Then, they get moving before the “storm” rolls in. We head back to the ever-popular clearing and Bella starts to meander north, occasionally touching a tree branch or something. Edward trails behind, right in that spot where it’s close enough to make conversation but too far away to be comfortable. Blah blah fuckety fuck. Bella then somehow manages to trip and slice her hand open on a branch.
“Are you all right?” “I’m fine. Stay where you are. I’m bleeding. It will stop in a minute.”
And then Jasper pops out of the woods and eats her. The end.
What? That was all in my head? Damn.
No, Eddie just wills himself not to eat her, and pulls out a first aid kit and is all smug because he thought Bella would be needing it. Jerk. (+1 Red Flag) Bella then has the bright idea to slather her blood all over the rocks and trees. I hope the stupid bitch gets the cut infected. I admire her work ethic, though. Maybe she should pee all over the place, too. (Aaand my lemonade is being dumped down the sink right now.)
Oh, and Bella’s hemophobia (that wasn’t a problem at all last book, and was barely touched on in Twilight) makes a brief reappearance. I’m so confused. Bella can get chucked into a stack of glass plates and be fine with that, but cuts and pinpricks set her off? What? (+1 Stupidity)
“He took my hand and smiled as he examined it. “This doesn’t bother me anymore.” I watched him carefully as he cleaned the gash, looking for some sign of distress. He continued to breathe evenly in and out, the same small smile on his lips.”
Yeah, so Eddie is totes okay with being around Bella’s blood now, because…I don’t know. Let’s just say he was struck by wizard lightning. (+1 Stupidity)
Actually, Eddie says it’s because he lived through an entire 24 hours of thinking Bella was dead, and now the power of luuuuuuv is keeping him from killing her. Right. Wizard lightning.
Edward prepares to hand over Bella to Jacob.
“Edward’s lips pulled down at the corners. “There had to have been a better way to do this.” “Too late now,” I muttered glumly. He sighed. “Hey, Jake,” I greeted him when we got closer.”
I don’t know why Edward is bitching now. He’s already agreed to this. (+1 Stupidity) Whatever. I don’t care. Jacob takes Bella and starts the nine mile hike up to the rendezvous point. Also, Jake and Bella go back to being BFF-ers when Eddie leaves, and strike up a nice conversation. They converse about weather and Bella’s new heart trinket that is probably a diamond and their last conversation.
I’m not kidding. I wish I was. This goes on for nearly 8 fricking pages.
The slightly good part is that I really don’t mind it. Well, I less-hate it. (The same way I less-hate mushrooms and Apple commercials.) Sure, Jacob is being an asshole, but I’m starting to think that this is kind of a good thing. Why? Because Jacob is the only main character who has a shred of personality. He just radiates this cocky asshole Han Solo-ish vibe. He’s confident and unafraid to speak his mind. I mean, I can imagine myself having an actual conversation with Jacob. We’d talk about motorcycles and outdoor spaghetti dinners and who would win in a fight between Bruce Willis and Iron Man. Edward? I don’t even know if I could talk to Edward for a minute, let alone hold an actual conversation.
Me: So, uh, hey there.
Me: Well, um, what’s it like being a vampire?
Edward: I don’t need to sleep.
Me: Okay, cool…
Edward: I also write lullabies and I’m good at high school.
Me: …My mom is picking me up in three hours. I better go wait outside.
Yes, Jacob 2.5 is an asshole, but I would much rather read about an asshole than someone who’s boring and perfect.
Moving on. Jacob is inquiring about whether Bella has made up her mind for cerals about this whole vampire thing.
“A smart person looks at all sides of a decision.” “I have,” I retorted. “If you haven’t thought at all about our . . . er, conversation the last time you came over, then that’s not true.”
Well, that conversation seemed to have something to do with the fact that Bella and Eddie are maybe engaged, but Meyer thought it would be cooler to dance around the topic of this not-so-witty banter. Awesome. (+1 Stupidity)
Somehow, we wind up on the topic of kissing. Jacob has the balls to ask if he was any good, to which Bella replies she doesn’t know because she’s only kissed one other person.
“I still think it’s pretty irresponsible,” Jacob suddenly said. “Whatever you’re talking about, you’re wrong.” “Think about it, Bella. According to you, you’ve kissed just one person — who isn’t even really a person — in your whole life, and you’re calling it quits? How do you know that’s what you want? Shouldn’t you play the field a little?”
See, this is what REALLY irks me. Bella and Edward are not only planning on getting married, but are also planning on running off to Vegas, (let’s give more impressionable teens an unrealistic idea of marriage, yup) all because Bella wants the chance to get a glimpse of Eddie’s sparkly pecs and nether-regions. Great message! Just get married so that sex is considered acceptable! You would think Bella would at least be a little happy that she’s marrying the sparklepire of her dreams. (+1 Stupidity)
Ugh. This book is testing my sanity. Jacob laughs this whole thing off, saying that he wouldn’t want to fight with Edward and leave the Cullens one short tomorrow. This triggers the waterworks in Bella, who is just so sad that she’s making Eddiekins sit out tomorrow, but she didn’t have a CHOICE, dammit! (+1 Angst)
“He stared at me, his eyes wide with confusion. “Edward isn’t going to fight tomorrow,” I whispered the explanation. “I’m making him stay with me. I am a huge coward.”
Well, finally, Bella and I agree on something. Bella just CAN’T let Edward go because if he didn’t come back, that would just kill her! (+1 Angst) Can’t you guys feel the love? I, too would be worried about Edward’s safety – if he had any sort of weakness that would leave him compromised, but y’know, he doesn’t. (+1 Stupidity)
Jake contemplates this for a while, and then makes the valid point that this whole situation doesn’t mean Edward loves her more than he does. Good logic, Jake. I knew you were too smart for this book.
“But you wouldn’t stay with me, even if I begged.” He pursed his lips for a moment, and I wondered if he would try to deny it. We both knew the truth.”
Well, duh, Bells, he’s not going to stay and just to soothe your tormented soul. You are a greedy fool who wants the world to bend to your demands.(+1 Bitch) Just because Edward has agreed to stay with you doesn’t mean he loves you more, it just means that he’s easily manipulated.
Bella: Hey, Eddie, will you kill all the spiders in the world for me? I don’t like it when they sit on the walls and act like they pay rent.
Edward: Um, I don’t know, lamby, you see –
Edward: Okay, fine. Let me go borrow Emmett’s spider sword.
Love is not about being bossed around or conceding to your lover’s demands. Love is being able to eat the last slice of pizza without asking first and knowing who’s going to sit by who on the rollercoaster when in a group. (+1 Stupidity)
Everything is just kind of downhill from here. Jacob will be staying with Bells and Eddiekins tonight, for plot reasons.(They’re like a big happy family, with mommy and daddy and doggy…) Meyer is really trying to get us all interested in this big fight, with this big storm a-brewin’ to add intensity. Hmmn. I still think this whole “storm” thing is overwrought and bullshit symbolism, btw. It’s like Meyer was thinking, “noo, a warm thunderstorm will only cause Bella to shiver and stammer weakly. An impossible deep freeze blizzard will be much cooler.” (+1 Stupidity)
Oh, and after a round of 50 questions, we learn that Jacob is the pack beta, but he should be the alpha because bloodlines.
“I didn’t want any of it, Bella. I didn’t want anything to change. I didn’t want to be some legendary chief. I didn’t want to be part of a pack of werewolves, let alone their leader. I wouldn’t take it when Sam offered.”
Finally, we meet up with Edward, who all but snatches Bella out of Jacob’s arms. Jerk. (+1 Red Flag) Jacob leaves them be and wolfs out.
Ugh, that was terrible. Everyone is being so damn pensive about their ridiculously complicated lives. Being an emotionally unstable teen torn between an undead bloodsucker and a fuzzy wolf sure is difficult.
But then again, so is loving a cold, selfish, weak, sniveling bitch.
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +3
Thesaurus Rape: +41
Eye Rape: +5
Cream Count: +11
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +74 Wolfballs +13