What this chapter should be called: A poem for the ages
Special! Squick factor: 1,290,984
Okay, so here’s the thing: I feel like I’ve been getting bored with my standard reviewing style, and therefore, I haven’t been as funny. So this week, I’m switching things up. (You’re going to have to take my word on points this time, but here’s the chapter link if you want to check.)
Also, I apologize in advance that there probably won’t be a review next week, because my teachers have dumped a metric assfuck of homework and projects on me right before fall break. Pesky school, getting in the way of reading Eclipse. But whatever.
And now, I present the chapter 20 review to you in the form of a poem.
Bella is prepped for her forest vacation
While Charlie heads out to the reservation
One will be fishing, one will be wishing
Her werewolf boy toy wasn’t busy killing.
Edward is begging
Will Bella just please
Just spend one night
Talking about the birds and the bees?
Okay, it didn’t really happen like that
If it did, it’d be funny
This book is godawful to read
You should be paying me money.
Bella is ready to be pretty and dead
I’m starting to think that she’s fucked in the head
But she doesn’t want to drink blood or bite people on necks
She just wants to have some hot vampire sex.
Edward drives while Bella introspects and tries to be deep
She’s not deep
She’s just stupid
I hope she gets hit by Emmet’s Jeep.
Edward kisses her and carts her ass up the stairs
Next thing you know he’ll be tying her to chairs
This kiss isn’t sweet; it feels rushed and hurried
This freaks Bella out because she’s dumb as a curry
Okay, I admit,
That last line kind of sucked
This rhyming shit is hard, okay?
My favorite animals are ducks.
They kiss for awhile
I want to vomit
And then gab about love
I still want to vomit.
Edward’s giving Bella a present
Something old, something used
He says it’s nothing, just something small
But I hope it’s shoes.
He puts a charm on Bella’s bracelet
And Meyer’s wording is terrible
She makes it sound like Eddie tore off Bell’s arm
Like some sort of animal
The charm is a heart-shaped crystal
Which is probably symbolic as fuck
The heart is cold and sparkly and dismal
And now, it’s time to have the sex talk.
Bella doesn’t want to get married
But vampire sex still sounds nice
Though Eddiekins is a Mormon virgin
And is not losing it till his wedding night.
And Eddie wants Bella to go to college
So she can expand on her little knowledge
Bella is not interested in having a life
She just wants to be an undead housewife.
Bella is droll and boring
And Edward is not much better
Why is this book still about them
And not werewolves wearing sweaters?
Oh, and Bells thinks she’ll be a monster
an out-of-control newborn vamp
This is bullshit, because we all know
Sues never do more harm than a lamp.
Bella starts blushing as she starts rushing
to taint Eddie’s virgin mind
She tries to take of his clothes and her pantyhose
to initiate naked fun time.
Good Lord, this is awkward
You really have no idea
The thesaurus is raped to all get-out
It’s like Meyer’s tapped into all of my fears.
Eddie uses sex to control dear Bella
Because what else does he have to do?
And every boy in town wants to fuck Bella
Because she’s a fucking SUE!
Bella is afraid of being a vampire
Wait, I’m so confused.
This is what she’s wanted for three books now
Shouldn’t she be hopping on the sparkle train soon?
She still wants sex with Eddie
That’s all girls want these days
Can’t she just curl up with her teddy
And wait for her romp in the hay?
Eddie is worried of killing her
With his venomous vampire sperm
JK, that would be too logical
Meyer has so much to learn.
Bella caves to all Eddie’s demands
for a chance at some sparkly fucking
Eddie’s a manipulative bastard at best
So Bella will probably get nothing.
They agreed to get married first
Eddie, you’re such a tool.
Using your secret Mormon agenda
To play Bella for a fool.
Who am I kidding, she really is stupid
She proves as Eddie kisses her to make her agree
That getting married isn’t such a bad idea
(And to pop out a kid, or three.)
Edward wants to protect Bella’s virtue
Which is just so chivalrous, I’m sure
Premarital sex is a sin, it’s true
And Bella needs a soul that’s pure.
Eddie admits he’s using Bella’s ovaries against her
To get her to marry him first
Lord, this guy is a real winner
I’d like to put him under 6 feet of dirt.
Somehow, we get on the topic of rings
And how Bella doesn’t want one
Edward forces it on her anyways
I think that’s just how he has fun.
They kiss and kiss and kiss some more
Sweet Jesus, this book is such a bore
Then Edward drops down on to one knee
And orders, “Bella, marry me!”
Bella says yes
She has no spine
But she’s well on her way
to sexy fun times.
Hell, that was hard
My poems are shitty
I hope you laughed hard
I hate this book.
Thesaurus Rape: +7
Eye Rape: +1
Cream Count: +5
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +10
Thesaurus Rape: +41
Eye Rape: +5
Cream Count: +11
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +71 Wolfballs +13