Chapter 17: Alliance

Posted: August 21, 2012 in Eclipse
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: BOOOOORRRINNNGGGG
Edward creep-o-meter: 7

 

Allow me to summarize this chapter for you: graduation party, graduation party, graduation party, werewolves, graduation party, werewolf/vampire team-up FINALLY.

There, is that good enough? Can I please, please be done now?

No?

Goddamn it.

So, we start out with Bella on the steps of Casa de Cullen, with Edward kissing her passionately. Uh-oh, Sparklepeen never kisses her passionately unless something bad is about to happen. And he definitely never spontaneously kisses her. Shit’s about to go down, guys.

They head in to the house, which is decked out like a pimpin’ nightclub. Damn. does Alice really have nothing better to do than plan parties for obnoxious mortals? (+1 Stupidity) Alice is decked out to party too, in sparkly clothes and leather pants.

Because Alice is so stupid and perfect and sweet, there is nothing for Bella to do besides describe her leather pants. (+1 Cream Count) Edward takes this as an invitation to literally drag her around after him. Yeesh, aren’t we possessive today. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Edward refused to let me go for a second, dragging me along with him as he hunted up Jasper and then Carlisle to tell them of my epiphany. ”

 

Wait, so Alice, who has obviously been at House Cullen for a while since graduation ended, didn’t bother telling the boys of the impending invasion? What, was she too busy squeezing into her leather pants or something? Idiot. (+1 Stupidity)

Whatever. Carlisle and Jasper are smart enough to stop making fruit punch for the party and start planning for the attack. Jasper is unhappy with the news, mostly because it means the Cullens are desperately outnumbered. Carlisle doesn’t care. (Nice.)

Bella has had enough of this “being nice and throwing parties” shit, and asks if anyone will really come to the graduation jamboree.

 

“Everyone will come,” Edward answered. “They’re all dying to see the inside of the reclusive Cullens’ mystery house.”

 

Hmm, he’s probably right. I guess I would want to see that, too. (If not just so that I had a reason to send out some incredibly derisive tweets.) Finally, salvation arrives in the form of a buttload of mortals. Said mortals include Bipolar Jessica, Marshmallow Mike, Tyler, Conner, Lee, Samantha (who the fuck are all these people?!?) and Lauren the Bitch.

 

“They all were curious, and then overwhelmed as they took in the huge room decked out like a chic rave.”

 

Um, I’ve been to a rave before, and I am nearly certain that the interior of the Cullen house doesn’t have enough easily accessible LSD and drunk girls to look anything like one. I’m just going to pretend Meyer said, “…as they took in the huge room decked out like all the nightclubs I never went to as a college kid.” (+1 Stupidity)

Bella is surprisingly social, playing hostess as she lets in Angela and Eric (hey!) and some chick named Katie. How does Bella know all these people? She hasn’t paid attention to any mortals since chapter 10 of Twilight. If she is so “introverted” and antisocial as fuck, how the hell does she know these people by name? (+1 Stupidity)

Whatever, ugh. Even though Bella is having a party thrown for her and loads of people are coming over to congratulate her for having the balls to hold a fucking rave in the Cullen living room, she still moans about having to be happy. (+1 Bitch)

 

“Probably Alice had done this on purpose, to force me into the center of attention — a place she thought I should enjoy more. She was forever trying to make me be human the way she thought humans should be.”

Waaah! People pay attention to me! Waah! I have friends who throw me parties! WAAAH! I’M NOT SPARKLY AND UNDEAD!!1!! (+1 Angst)

God, this is worse than water torture. Bella stands around and tries not to talk to anyone. (Bella is totally the creepy girl who, when at parties, sits silently in the corner and pets the cat.) This just really goes to show that Bella has no friends, huh? Maybe Meyer thinks this makes Bella look strong and independent, but it kind of makes her look like a loser. Especially if you consider how she dumps all her mortal friends for the company of supernatural beings without any hesitation. But whatever, maybe I’m overthinking this.

Bella now has nothing better to do than stand around and describe how awesomely supernatural the Cullens look  under the black lights. Wait a minute, black light? Shouldn’t the huge bloodstain Bella left on the floor in New Moon be lit up like crazy right about now? (+1 Stupidity) Tyler is probably in the backyard looking for the body as we speak.

Bella mentions that the Cullens look downright freaky in the black light, so much so that Mike nearly pisses himself when Emmett smiles at him. (Hi, Emmett! Want to go waterskiing sometime?) Okay, we need to get something straightened the fuck out right now: do the Cullens attract people or scare them? Three books in and I still don’t know the answer, especially when we’ve got evidence to both sides. The waitress orgasming on sight, every girl in the school wants to get in Eddie’s pants, humans supposedly being uncomfortable around the Cullens, and Edward planning to off himself by exposing himself to the sun. (That last bit counts, right?) Will Meyer ever please stop being so damn situationally dependent and give us a straight answer? Probably not. (+1 Stupidity)

Moving on. Bella has circled the room once, and Sparklepeen has not let her go more than five feet away from him at any given time.

 

“Edward was at my side — still refusing to let go of me. He kept one hand securely at my waist, pulling me closer now and then in response to thoughts I probably didn’t want to hear.”

 

Jesus, Eddie, really? I mean, I get that you’re all ultra-possessive now that you know there’s a horde of newborns gunning for Bella, which is for some reason a problem, but are you kidding me? At this point, a leash would just be easier. (+1 Red Flag)

Couldn’t resist.

But, Bella is so well-trained that she considers it abnormal when Eddie lets her go. Uh, okay. He tells her not to worry, which immediately sends her into supreme paranoia mode, and walks over to the kitchen, with Alice following. (Did Marshmallow Mike puke on Carlisle’s antique cross or something?)  Boooring. Emmett could be break dancing right now and we’re missing it because Bella is a little moron. (+1 Stupidity) 

Once she gets over there, Alice is standing there, acting all catatonic, obviously having seen something. Would you like to share with the class, Alice?

 

“She didn’t look at me, she was staring away. I followed her gaze and watched as she caught Edward’s eye across the room. His face was empty as a stone. He turned and disappeared into the shadows under the stair.”

 

That’s where Harry Potter lives!

All of a sudden, someone rings the doorbell. This snaps Alice out of her funk. The werewolves are here! Oh, now this party’s about to really get started. I say this because werewolves never show up to a party without bringing a bouncy castle, cheap booze, and a personal DJ. Probably.

 

“It wasn’t just one werewolf, it was three. Jacob had let himself in, flanked on either side by Quil and Embry. The two of them looked terribly tense, their eyes flickering around the room like they’d just walked into a haunted crypt.”

 

Jacob and the Quilbry have shown up because…I really don’t know why. Maybe they appreciate a good party. I’m kind of hoping Jacob is here to apologize to Bella and de-douchify himself, but I understand that’s not likely.

We discover that Jacob is here to deliver Bella her graduation present. Aww. Okay, I guess that’s kind of nice. Since no one else seemed to think of getting Bella a present, I’m glad Jake did. He also apologizes for force-kissing Bella the other day, like it was nothing.

 

“I really am sorry. About the other day, I mean, too. I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. It was wrong. I guess . . . well, I guess I deluded myself into thinking you wanted me to.”

 

Well, okay. It’s not the apology I was hoping for, but good on you for trying, Steph. (+1 Redemption)

(On a totally unrelated note, my work-in-progress erotic Star Wars novella, titled “Force Kissing” is going to be a smash hit. I can feel it.)

Back to the story, ugh. Bella shrugs off Jacob’s apology and scans the room for her perfect sparkly friends. (+1 Bitch) The Quilbry have magically vanished as this is going on, so I can only assume they’re off inflating the bouncy castle on the front lawn. Jacob picks up on the fact that she would rather be with her real friends. Since when did Jacob become the voice of truth in this book?

He turns to leave, and Bella demands her present in a desperate attempt to keep her crutch around. Lord, Bella, you are such a bitch. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Put on your big girl panties and stop pushing your deflated sense of self-worth on to Jacob. (+1 Bitch)

 

“Right,” he grumbled sarcastically. But he also reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out a small bag of a loose-woven, multi-colored fabric. It was tied shut with leather drawstrings. He set it on my palm.”

 

Inside the bag is a silver bracelet with a hand-carved wooden wolf charm. Cool. I mean, I would have rather gotten a hoverboard, or maybe a fully functional Iron Man suit, but wolf charms are cool too.

Bella says that it’s totes adorbs and that she’s going to wear it all the time, while simultaneously keeping up her street cred and lying to Jacob about what’s going on with the newborn vamp thing. (+1 Bitch) To Jacob’s credit, it only takes him half a paragraph to figure out and ask if, “this is about the bloodsucker in your room?”

While Bella tries to change the subject, the Quilbry must finish inflating the bouncy castle or something, because they reappear at Jacob’s side. The tree of them start playing super spies, trying to figure out what Bella’s not telling.

 

“They all folded their arms across their chests at exactly the same moment. It was a little bit funny, but mostly menacing.”

 

Aaand I would like that last part on my tombstone. That is all.

Alice prances down the stairs, cutting across the room to save Bella from having to do something for herself. She tries to drag Bella away, but is blocked by Jacob. Jasper appears on the other side of Jacob. Non-tension ensues.

 

“We have a right to know,” Jacob muttered, still glaring at Alice. Jasper stepped in between them, and the three werewolves braced themselves. “Hey, hey,” I said, adding a slightly hysterical chuckle. “This is a party, remember?”

 

Ugh, boring. No one listens to stupid Bella, but Alice finally tells us what she saw.

 

“The decision’s been made.” “You’re going to Seattle?” “No.” I felt the color drain out of my face. My stomach lurched. “They’re coming here,” I choked out.

 

Hey! now we’re getting somewhere. When Alice says this, Jasper looks all grumpy and disapproving. He says that the Cullens can’t let that happen, because there aren’t enough of them to protect the town. Uh, why is Jasper not asking for the help of the werewolves? Idiot. (+1 Stupidity) By this point, Jacob has cottoned on to the fact that the shit is about to hit the fan.

 

“There are too many for you?” he asked. Jasper bridled. “We have a few advantages, dog. It will be an even fight.” “No,” Jacob said, and a strange, fierce half-smile spread across his face. “It won’t be even .”

 

Why is Jasper bridling? Jacob is being the bigger person and offering his help. Is Jasper werewolf-phobic for some unknown reason? Did we miss the scene where Jasper’s great-grandpappy is killed by a werewolf? If anyone should be bridling, it’s Jacob – or a horse owner. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

The boys start talking about having to coordinate, while Bella starts freaking out. If both Edward and Jacob are fighting, who’s going to stick around and take her virginity?

 

“Coordinate?” I repeated through my teeth. “You didn’t honestly think you were going to keep us out of this?” Jacob asked. “You are staying out of this!” “Your psychic doesn’t think so.” “Alice — tell them no!” I insisted. “They’ll get killed!”

 

It’s like Bella thinks werewolves, are soft, delicate little flowers who will up and collapse if a soft breeze so much as ruffles their downy fur. Um, hello, Bella you already know they’re capable of killing vampires, for chrissakes. Or did you conveniently forget that? (+1 Stupidity)

While Bella has a tantrum regarding the subject, Jasper says that he’ll have to teach the wolves how to kill newborns –

Wait. I had a thought. If the army is on the move from Seattle, which is three hours away, and vampires are faster than cars, shouldn’t the army be here in, like, half an hour? Shouldn’t we be having to prepare for a massive invasion right freakin’ now?? Unless the army is traveling by pogo stick or something. (+1 Stupidity)

Good Lord, I haven’t felt this cheated since the last chapters of Twilight! How fucking awesome would it have been for the vampires and werewolves to have to immediately set aside their differences in order to protect all the squishy mortals partying in the Cullen house? That might have been the best thing ever. GOD, Meyer had the perfect fucking opportunity for REAL goddamn tension, and she ruined it. (+1 Stupidity)

ASDFGHJKLGRRRRAHHHHH

Moving on. The vamps and wolves decided to meet up about 20 miles away from House Cullen (…why?) and learn to kill newborn vamps. (Probably with some baking soda and a dash of lemon juice.)

Bella nearly pisses herself when Jacob agrees and leaves her at the party.

So, uh, why exactly did we need this chapter, again?

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +11

Angst: +1

Bitch: +4

Thesaurus Rape: +1

Cream Count: +1

Red Flag: Sparklepeen +2

Redemption: +1

Murmur: 4

Glower: 1

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +214

Angst: +10

Bitch: +35

Thesaurus Rape: +29

Eye Rape: +4

Cream Count: +5

Red Flag: Sparklepeen +58 Wolfballs +12

Redemption: +7

Murmur: 44

Glower: 12

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Comments
  1. Adrianna says:

    Holy smokes. Did that Jacob and Quilbry syncronized arm folding gig remind anyone of Mean Girls??!

    PS: Kudos to you, Kate. For going through this piece of trash they call “work of art”. You should be awarded a Nobel Excellence Award.

  2. loolypopgoop says:

    I’m so going to miss this blog when you finish Breaking Dawn or The Short Second whatever it is.
    Another awesome review! I love Bella’s “street cred”.

  3. maya says:

    Wait. An army that travells by pogo sticks? All they need now is to train in montage and sing a Mulan song and WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!?

  4. Twilight... you disgust me. says:

    Huh…. you all realize that Esme isn’t mentioned much at all after chapter 15 in Twilight, “The Cullens” right? Uhmmm so…. what happened to her? Did she die or something?

  5. Twilight...you disgust me says:

    Oh no, I fully believe she is much better off in the hospital than in the sick, twisted world that is Meyerland. Besides, I bet that Esme and Meyer’s Thesaurus are having a nice chat about some bonding over their shared misery and some equally… distressing… things.

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