What this chapter should be called: Sherlock Bella
Edward creep-o-meter: 4
Okay, so here’s chapter 16, which is confusingly titled “epoch”. (Can you figure this out? I sure as hell can’t.) Fair warning, this chapter is full of graduation fluff, and Bella being, somehow, both a wet blanket and a giant Sue. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
We start out with the full contents of Bella’s closet strewn across her room and Meyer grossly misunderstanding what teenage girls wear.
“My khaki skirt lay over the back of the rocking chair, waiting for me to discover something that went with it just exactly right. Something that would make me look beautiful and grown up. Something that said special occasion. I was coming up empty.”
Uh, it’s khaki. Isn’t the whole point of khaki is that it goes with everything? (+1 Stupidity) Besides, since when do you even care what you look like, Bella?
Salvation appears in a Deus ex Alice, who brought Bella an outfit to make up for the fact that her shitty powers nearly caused Bella to be killed. (I bet if Alice ran Charlie over with the Porsche, she would send Bella a nice vanilla lotion set, and maybe a cheap edible arrangement.) Apparently Bella can’t even pick her clothes without help. Coolio. Alice laughs about how nice it is that Bella’s predictable and if only she could figure out what’s up with Seattle.
“Well, at least this makes up for missing your annoying thief — now I just have to figure out what I’m not seeing in Seattle.” When she said the words that way — putting the two situations together in one sentence — right then it clicked. The elusive something that had been bothering me for days, the important connection that I couldn’t quite put together, suddenly became clear. I stared at her, my face frozen with whatever expression was already in place.”
And Sherlock Bella makes her grand appearance.
Bella flips out, saying that the Seattle vamps and the panty thief are one and the same. Jesus H. Christ, how long ago did we figure this one out? Five, six chapters ago? Yeesh. Here’s a protip for all you budding writers: revision is your friend. Editors are your friends. (+1 Stupidity)
Instead of being smart and telling Alice what she just realized, Bella just sits there, frozen. Does anyone actually do that? Just sit there like an idiot whenever you have an idea? Hmm. But after a while, Bella has the sense to tell Alice what’s going on.
“Remember what Edward said? About someone using the holes in your vision to keep you from seeing the newborns? And then what you said before, about the timing being too perfect — how careful my thief was to make no contact, as if he knew you would see that. I think you were right, Alice, I think he did know. I think he was using those holes, too. And what are the odds that two different people not only know enough about you to do that, but also decided to do it at exactly the same time? No way. It’s one person . The same one. The one who is making the army is the one who stole my scent.”
*Rolls eyes and pulls excerpt from chapter 10 review*
….this is only a mystery if you are the world’s worst detective. Let’s list what we know real quick.
1. Victoria wants to kill Bella.
2. There are a bunch of young vampires tearing shit up in Seattle.
3. Someone is obviously creating all these young vampires.
4. A vampire stole some of Bella’s clothes for the sole purpose of knowing the scent on them.
5. The only reason Victoria hasn’t ripped Bella to shreds by now is because she’s severely outnumbered.
Oh, gee, it is just so hard to put all these pieces together! You heard it here first: Vickie, knowing she’s sorely outnumbered, throws together a newborn vamp army to back her up. She probably has some vampire lieutenant, who she told to go steal some of Bella’s panties so that her army knows the scent. She will then use the scent to lead her army to Forks so that she can finally, after 2 ½ books, have her very own speaking line.
Totally called it.
Sherlock Bella goes on to point out that it’s incredibly unlikely that two different people would know about how truly shitty Alice’s powers are, so it would make sense if the thief and the newborns were the same people.
Okay, let’s hold on a minute. If this whole deal is so simple that Bella can figure it out, why the hell didn’t the Cullens? Are you seriously telling me that Carlisle, a vamp over 500 years old, with centuries of experience, could not figure out this incredibly obvious mystery? Or Edward, the Sue who knows “absolutely everything”? Am I really supposed to think that the Cullens have just been playing hacky sack with the idiot ball for ten whole chapters, allowing Bella to play Inspector Gadget? Jesus. (+1 Stupidity)
And in the name of all that is holy, WHY hasn’t anyone mentioned Victoria?!? (+1 Stupidity)
“I was through expecting my emotions to make sense anymore. As I processed the fact that someone had created an army of vampires — the army that had gruesomely murdered dozens of people in Seattle — for the express purpose of destroying me, I felt a spasm of relief.”
This girl is just the dumbest bitch ever. Who the hell is happy when they find out that someone has extensively planned their murder?!? (+1 Stupidity)
Bella just nods along, totally okay with being in mortal danger – again. Alice departs the second stunning revelation of this book and tells her that all the Cullens are totes going to protect her. My jaw is on the floor because of this book, guys. (Kidding. My jaw is on the floor because of the Krazy glue.)
Charlie bangs on the door, telling Bella to dress her ass and get downstairs. Um, how did Charlie not hear Bella and Alice talking? The walls of Chez Swan must be fucking soundproof or something. (+1 Stupidity)
Alice GTFOs, telling Bella that she should probably not clue Edward in on this new development, because he’ll go nuts when he finds out. Okay. Bella whines about her appearance some more, then grabs her yellow (snerk) cap and gown and heads downstairs. Edward gets his ass there and they all set off in Charlie’s cruiser.
“Charlie had gotten stubborn last week when he’d learned that I was intending to ride with Edward to the graduation ceremony. And I could see his point — parents should have some rights come graduation day. I’d conceded with good grace, and Edward had cheerfully suggested that we all go together.”
Uh, the whole point of the graduation ceremony is that it’s for the parents. Stop being such a little bitch. (+1 Bitch) Fair warning, from here, it’s pretty much all graduation padding and fluff so that Meyer can justify calling this a chapter.
Bella and Edward go off to line up to walk. Bella is pulled aside by Jessica, who is being all nice and bubbly and friendly. WTF? I thought Jessica was now a bitch. It doesn’t matter anyway, because Bella just tunes the annoying mortals out anyways and she doesn’t hear a damn word Jessica says. (+1 Bitch)
“And I found that I was glad that things could end on a good note with Jessica. Because it was an ending, no matter what Eric, the valedictorian, had to say about commencement meaning “beginning” and all the rest of the trite nonsense. Maybe more for me than for the rest, but we were all leaving something behind us today.”
Holy shit! Eric! You’re alive! Dude, I haven’t seen you in nearly a book and a half. How you been, bro? It’s too bad Bella didn’t listen to your speech. I bet it was full of awesome things, like Doctor Who quotes and references to 80’s hair metal bands.
Bella wonders what Alice is doing right now, because surely she can’t skip graduation. Uh, why not? It’s not like she hasn’t graduated high school at least 25 times by now. (+1 Stupidity) Unless she just really likes speeches about opportunity and flat caps.
The principal starts calling names. When Alice’s is called, she must moonwalk across the stage or something because Meyer calls it dancing. (Then again, my definition of dancing is probably very different from Meyer’s. It was probably more of a saucy foxtrot.) (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Edward follows her, looking slightly confused, probably because Alice is thinking something weird to keep him from catching on to the latest development in this soap opera.
And actually, I thought a little more about this, and the more I think about it, the dumber it gets. Why would Edward freak out at the fact that Bella is in danger? In the very beginning of Twilight he says himself that it will be dangerous for her to be with him. So, why would he flip out that Bella is in danger for the gajillionth time? (+1 Stupidity) This shit should be old hat.
Ugh, moving on. Bella uses the time in line for some good ol’ eye-humping.
“Only the two of them could carry off the hideous yellow and still look the way they did. They stood out from the rest of the crowd, their beauty and grace otherworldly. I wondered how I’d ever fallen for their human farce. A couple of angels, standing there with wings intact, would be less conspicuous.”
I highly doubt even angels could pull those off. (+1 Cream Count)
Also, what’s up with “farce?” Is Edward pretending to be human a light, humorous play? I’m so fucking confused. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Whatever. Bella bumbles through the rest of graduation, only coming back to herself afterwards, when Sparklepeen asks her what’s up with Alice.
And she tells him, right there in the middle of graduation. Idiot. If she was so worried about him freaking out, you would think she would at least pull him outside or something. (+1 Stupidity)
“I think you’re wrong about things coming at us from all sides. I think it’s mostly coming at us from one side . . . and I think it’s coming at me, really. It’s all connected, it has to be. It’s just one person who’s messing with Alice’s visions. The stranger in my room was a test, to see if someone could get around her. It’s got to be the same one who keeps changing his mind, and the newborns, and stealing my clothes — all of it goes together. My scent is for them.” His face had turned so white that I had a hard time finishing.”
If you’ve been playing our little drinking game all this time (God bless your soul), that last line was worth at least two shots. Also, how would his face get even whiter? Things like blushing and paling are caused by change in bloodflow, which vampires do not have. Needless to say, this makes no sense. (+1 Stupidity) Maybe this chapter was never supposed to make sense, like how magnets work or Ke$ha’s popularity.
Charlie comes over and hugs Bella, while Edward stands there awkwardly. He offers to take her out to the Lodge for dinner. (If this book was written by a better author, I would assume that was a Twin Peaks reference. Sadly, it’s not. But whatever, Twin Peaks was one of the best 90’s shows and Seinfeld can suck it.)
Edward makes some excuse as to why he can’t go out to dinner with Bella, and her and Chuck head out. While Charlie is having a grand old time, Bella just sits there and picks at her burger. Jesus. (+1 Angst)
Finally, they leave, and while Charlie is saying goodbye to everyone, Bella heads out to the car to mope about the party. (+1 Angst) Christ, Bella. Not everyone gets graduation parties thrown for them, you know. (+1 Bitch) Unsurprisingly, Bella’s mood does a 180 when Edward walks out of the forest. (Stupid sparkly creeper. Did he stand out there with his camera and watch her eat?) (+1 Red Flag) He grabs her face and creepy-touchily kisses her.
“How are you?” I asked as soon as he let me breathe. “Not so great,” he murmured. “But I’ve got a handle on myself. I’m sorry that I lost it back there.” “My fault. I should have waited to tell you.”
Okay, a little bit disturbed that she thinks breaking a kiss with him is just him letting her breathe. (+1 Red Flag) But whatever. Edward
threatens promises Bella that he’ll follow her to the party. Creepy. (+1 Red Flag)
Edward vamonoses, and Charlie comes out to the car. Bella lies to him about things she doesn’t really need to lie about. (+1 Bitch) Charlie shrugs and says that he regrets not teaching Bells how to throw a punch.
“I never thought I needed to teach you how to throw a punch. Guess I was wrong about that.”“I thought you were on Jacob’s side?” “No matter what side I’m on, if someone kisses you without your permission, you should be able to make your feelings clear without hurting yourself. You didn’t keep your thumb inside your fist, did you?”
Well, I guess it’s nice that Chuck is showing some interest in his daughter. I wish we saw more of that. They keep driving to the party, which Bella is absolutely dreading for reasons that are beyond my comprehension. Charlie is just trying to find the turnoff. Surprise, surprise, someone has wrapped lights around all the trees so that the turn is impossible to miss.
“Alice,” I said sourly. “Wow,” Charlie said as we turned onto the drive. The two trees at the entry weren’t the only ones lit. Every twenty feet or so, another shining beacon guided us toward the big white house. All the way — all three miles of the way. “
Three miles? That is one fuckton of extension cord.
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Cream Count: +1
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +3
Thesaurus Rape: +28
Eye Rape: +4
Cream Count: +4
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +56 Wolfballs +12