Chapter 14: Declaration

Posted: July 31, 2012 in Eclipse
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Thank you, Captain Obvious!
Edward creep-o-meter: 4
In this chapter, all sense of urgency just flies out the window. Last chapter we were chilling at Chez Cullen and plotting the newborn vampire slaughter, this chapter we’re hanging in the lunchroom and planning graduation parties. I’m starting to think that Meyer is doing this intentionally. After all, why have plot when you can have a chapter full of nothing?

We flash forward to the FHS cafeteria, where Alice is teasing Bella about not wanting to have a graduation party. Alice basically tells Bella to STFU, because the invitations have already been sent and this thing is happening, goddammit!

 

“With everything that is going on right now, a party is hardly appropriate.” “Graduation is what’s going on right now, and a party is so appropriate it’s almost passé.”

 

Somehow, Bella is the only one with her priorities straight here. It seems to me that right now, the Cullens are all being tremendous dickheads. They know that mass murder is occurring roughly 150 miles away from them, and yet they’re still parked on their asses, planning parties and gabbing about love. (+1 Stupidity)

Whatever. At least Jasper is being smart, as he’s trying to track down his old buddies Peter and Charlotte, trying to convince them to come help.

 

“It shouldn’t be too hard to convince them to help,” he continued. “Nobody wants a visit from Italy.”

 

Uh, why not? Why doesn’t anyone want the Volturi to come and help clean up this mess? (+1 Stupidity)

Aro: So, we defeated the newborn army.
Edward: Awesome sauce. Are you leaving now?
Aro: No, before I leave, I must…take a shower in your bathroom and leave armpit hair all over your soap!
Edward: See, this is why no one invites you to parties.

I guess you could make the argument that they could check up on Bella if they come, but really. She’s going to be changed into a vampire in two weeks.

A few neurons fir in Bella’s head, and she realizes that if any other vamps come to help, they will most certainly not be “vegetarian.” Alice brushes this off by saying that anyone who comes to help will be “friends.” Remind me to become Alice’s friend in the future. I’ll be able to do whatever I want and get away with it.

Alice and Edward start discussing Jasper’s newborn-killing lessons, which makes Bella get all fainty, feeling like her stomach is full of “tiny splinters of ice.” (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“Edward put his arm around me and pulled me tightly against his side. “It’s going to be fine, Bella. Trust me.” Sure, I thought to myself. Trust him. He wasn’t the one who was going to have to sit behind and wonder whether or not the core of his existence was going to come home.”

 

Bella Swan: strong, independent heroine, but only on opposite day. This girl is just so angsty. (+1 Angst)

Bella makes another pitch to be turned into a vampire right fucking now, so that she can help with Operation: Newborn Slaughter. Alice tells her that’s stupid, as she would be too wild and uncontrollable, and far too easy of a target to actually be of any use. (Change her! Change her!) Alice then has a handy vision, informing the gang that Bella’s mother isn’t going to be able to attend the grad party, taking the attendance list down to sixty-five.

 

“Sixty-five!” My eyes bulged again. I didn’t have that many friends. Did I even know that many people?”

 

Um, question. Who the hell invites parents to graduation parties intended for students? That seems like an unnecessary buzzkill to me. (+1 Stupidity) Also, how the hell doesn’t Bella know 65 people? It seems to me like there would have to be at least 65 people in her class. Hell, there are maybe 200 people in my class, and I know at least 65 of them by name, if anything. Then again, Bella doesn’t pay attention to anyone who doesn’t sparkle, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.

Also, why isn’t Victoria just taking a page out of James’ book and staging a fake phone call to lure Bella to Florida? Since she’s apparently mute or something, she wouldn’t waste time monologuing and Bella would be dead right now. God. (+1 Stupidity)

To use Meyerish, some things happen, Bella goes home and calls mom, some more things happen, and Bedward makes out a bit. Bella somehow manages to “melt” into Edward’s freezing chest, which is somewhat contradictory and just sounds doofy. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“After school tomorrow,” he said, changing the subject, “I’m going hunting with Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie. Just for a few hours — we’ll stay close. Alice, Jasper, and Emmett should be able to keep you safe.”

 

Bella pitches a fit at this, because spending time with someone other than Edward is just so lame. (+1 Bitch) She then has the great idea to go nurture her crutch that she hasn’t seen in a while. Edward agrees to this without much hesitation, indicating that there’s a glitch in the matrix or something.

Speaking of werewolves, why have the Cullens, desperate for help eliminating the newborn vampires, completely ignored the existence of the pack of supernatural strongmen right down the road? It’s not like the Cullens aren’t aware that the werewolves exist, or don’t know that they’re capable of killing vampires. And, since the Super-Sue is in danger, the pack is pretty much obligated to help. Why hasn’t some sort of allegiance been formed by now? Nobody knows. Maybe the Cullens are just dumber than they look. (+1 Stupidity)

Ugh, moving on. Bella asks why Edward is hunting, as his eyes seem to indicate he’s not thirsty.

 

“We want to be as strong as possible,” he explained, still reluctant. “We’ll probably hunt again on the way, looking for big game.”

 

We learn that going after big game such as mountain lions and elk make sparklepires stronger than if, say, they drank chipmunk blood. Human blood makes them strongest of all. Jasper is thinking about cheating on his diet for this reason, which makes Bella uncomfortable for an minute. She then gets over it by reassuring herself that it’s not like it’s going to be anyone she knows. So, now we know that Bella is okay with other people dying for her as long as she doesn’t know them. (+1 Bitch)

Also, aren’t the Cullens supposed to be the good guys in this book? Jasper is considering taking the life of another human being for personal benefit. I don’t know about you, but I don’t find that “good.” It’s kind of like Batman saying, “I’ll go save Gotham, but let me strangle a few kittens first. That makes my back feel slightly better.” (+1 Stupidity)

There’s some more bullshit about the mechanics of vampires, then Bella settles in to study. Not by herself, because that would require brainpower – and Edward is just soooo gr8 of a tutor.

 

“Luckily I had Edward’s help, and Edward was an excellent tutor — since he knew absolutely everything.”

 

Spare me. (+1 Stupidity)

We fast forward to the next day, with Bella going to visit Jacob. Edward is driving her to the injun border, because God forbid Bella drive herself anywhere and therefore show any sign of independence. (+1 Red Flag) Edward sighs, because he’s invading Jacob’s privacy again, and that is such a chore. (+1 Red Flag) He doesn’t even bother to tell Bella what Jacob was thinking, claiming the title of douchesilo supreme for the 287th consecutive time.

Bella goes over and hops in Jake’s car, noting that he looks pretty tired.

 

“Jacob looked different, maybe even sick. His eyelids drooped and his face was drawn. His shaggy hair stuck out in random directions; it was almost to his chin in some places. “Are you all right, Jake?” “Just tired,” he managed to get out before he was overcome by a massive yawn.”

 

Jacob says that Sam doesn’t trust the Cullens (with good reason) and they’ve all been running double shifts to watch out for any non-veggiepires. This worries Bella sick, so she changes the conversation to petty small talk. She invites Jacob and his wolf buddies to Alice’s graduation party – that’s a great idea, having vampires and werewolves together in a glass house. Idiot. (+1 Stupidity)

Jake is exhausted from running double shifts, which is a convenient plot device as he falls asleep and gives Bella nearly three pages to ponder her upcoming initiation into vampirism.

Which is also the fucking funniest thing I’ve read so far.

Really.

The next few paragraphs tiptoe around how getting turned into a vampire is akin to losing one’s virginity, and is LOL-worthy at several points. If you get through this and don’t even snigger a little, there is something critically wrong with you. Read:

 

“I wondered how long Edward planned to use this “not because you’re scared” excuse. I was going to have to put my foot down sometime. If I were thinking practically, I knew it made more sense to ask Carlisle to change me the second I made it through the graduation line.”

 

Bella’s a bit of a slut in the fact that she doesn’t really care who takes her virginity: Edward, his father, or his sister. She waxes on about how she isn’t quite ready yet, the poor darling, but she desperately wants Edward to bite her.

 

“I wanted Edward to be the one. It wasn’t a rational desire.”

 

How is it not rational to want to the person you lose your virginity to to be your significant other? (+1 Stupidity) Bella goes on for a little about how she is such a silly human, until we get my favorite line in this whole book so far.

 

“I wanted his venom to poison my system.”

 

This line could also work in a death metal song, a poem from a sad sixth grader’s Myspace page, or even possibly as the title of an abstract painting. Granted, it’s not quite as good as, “this is about my soul, isn’t it” but it’s still making my list of fun ways to end a conversation before running away.

 

“It would make me belong to him in a tangible, quantifiable way.”

 

I am pretty sure that his venom poisoning your system (insert sex joke here) is in no way touchable or able to express quantity. Meyer, do you even know what these words mean? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella goes on to whine about how hard it would be to get married, and how mean ol’ society would frown upon it. Okay, we get it, Mey – I mean, Bella. You wish high school guys and gals could get married because that would be totally romantic and cool. Bella is 18, right? I’m pretty sure that plenty of 18 year-olds get married. I think Meyer is making a problem that isn’t there.

Jacob wakes up and interrupts Bella’s monologue, thank God. They head outside, where Jacob begins to act all weird and jumpy.

 

“I want to tell you something. And you already know it . . . but I think I should say it out loud anyway. Just so there’s never any confusion on the subject.”

 

Oh, no, Jake! Why!?! Can’t you see that you could do so much better that this dumb floozy!!?!?

 

“I’m in love with you, Bella,” Jacob said in a strong, sure voice.”

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +9

Angst: +1

Bitch: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +4

Red Flag: Sparklepeen +2

Murmur: 0

Glower: 0

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +175

Angst: +7

Bitch: +24

Thesaurus Rape: +22

Eye Rape: +3

Cream Count: +3

Red Flag: Sparklepeen +51 Wolfballs +2

Redemption: +6

Murmur: 35

Glower: 10

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Comments
  1. That was hilarious, thank you. Chipmunk blood . . . lol.

  2. maya says:

    *sees Mark Hamill* *has huge desire to watch batman the animated series*

  3. MissFourEyes says:

    This is hilarious! I read all the books (I don’t know what I was thinking) and gave it my fare share of eye rolls, but I was so lost in the stupidity of the characters that I hadn’t realized how many plot hole there were. I loved this!

  4. sphadmins says:

    I don’t know why this thought occurred to me but are you gonna add up all the book totals at the end of the series? It’d be funny as hell to see how high the stupidity points would go.

  5. Pixie says:

    Carisle works at the hospital right? Why not take blood donations. Still a bitch move because people need it… but you aren’t directly killing some person that is perfectly healthy and bring more fear about a serial killer.

    • Kate says:

      I know, right? Killing animals isn’t any better, either, since at the rate the Cullens feed, it would be totally fucking over the ecosystem. If you go back through the Twilight reviews, I’m pretty sure I brought that up in more depth.

  6. I Hate Twigurls says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldDpr02g-TM The Life of a Mary-Sue. It’s based on a Harry Potter Fanfic, but it’s still relevent.

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