What this chapter should be called: Nothing happens.
Edward creep-o-meter: 6
Somehow, in a way I didn’t think possible, this book just keeps getting worse. It’s gotten to the point where I have to give myself a pep talk a la Jack Donaghy before reading a chapter.
We open up with Alice and Edward making fun of Bella. Okay, pretty typical. Why are they making fun of Bella? Because they’re throwing a graduation party and don’t want her whining about the whole thing.
“So you’re — I mean we’re — having a graduation party. It’s no big thing. Nothing to freak out over. But I saw that you would freak out if I tried to make it a surprise party” — she danced out of the way as Edward reached over to muss her hair — “and Edward said I had to tell you. But it’s nothing. Promise.” I sighed heavily. “Is there any point in arguing?” “None at all.”
Alice rambles on about how much she likes her graduation present, btw. Uh, what graduation present? Bella hasn’t got anything yet. Oh, but she will. Alice has already seen it. Aww, I wonder if Alice has seen my present for her. What’s that, Alice? My ring finger? No, but close enough. (+1 Stupidity)
Anyway, Bella mopes about the party. Parties are so not Bella’s thing. Especially when someone is throwing one to be nice to her. Bella would rather play psychological mindfucking games with Jacob, or make lasagna. (+1 Bitch)
Edward wonders out loud how Alice can be so annoying, a question I ask myself frequently. Bella asks if they couldn’t have just waited a few more weeks to tell her about the party, so she wouldn’t have to think about socializing with mortals, which is just terrible.
“Bella,” she said slowly. “Do you know what day it is?” “Monday?” She rolled her eyes. “Yes. It is Monday . . . the fourth.” She grabbed my elbow, spun me halfway around, and pointed toward a big yellow poster taped to the gym door. There, in sharp black letters, was the date of graduation. Exactly one week from today.”
Bella tries to figure out where all the time has gone, having lost track because she was so busy moping….and, um, jaunting off to Italy for two days…and, yeah, stuff. (+1 Stupidity) But Bella is freaked because now the date set for her “Big Change” is just so close. And Bella is just not sure she can handle being a vampire.
Um, what the hell? Didn’t Bella spend the last two books moping about how she wanted to be a vampire, and vampires were so much better, and why won’t someone just turn her into a vampire already?!? And now, she’s not sure if she can deal with being a vampire?!? Sometimes Bella is just so retarded it hurts.
“Why was I panicking now? I’d known the deadline was coming. Why should it frighten me that it was here?”
Ugh, Bella, you are so stupid. You have been asking to be a Sparklefairy for two books now. This is like me begging you for Dark Knight Rises premiere tickets, and then refusing to go on the night of. (+1 Stupidity)
Oh, and instead of being rational and discussing this with Edward, Bella just sits there and thinks. Talking out problems? No siree, we’ll just sit here and stew, thank you very much. Edward finally clues into the fact that something just might be up. I thought this guy was supposed to be mega-observant of Bella’s every move, but he just lets her silently stare out the window for at least fifteen minutes? What the fuck? (+1 Stupidity)
“Would you please tell me what you are thinking? Before I go mad?” What could I say to him? That I was a coward? I searched for words. “Your lips are white. Talk, Bella.”
1. Please tell me about your problems so that I can twist them around and make them about myself. (+1 Red Flag)
2. It would be better than sitting there, pretending that everything’s dandy. Grow up, Bella.
3. Here’s a fun-fun task for you. Go to your bathroom and look in the mirror. Then, bite your lips until they’re white. ( I did this for 15 minutes before I realized I had wasted my time because of something written in a Twilight book. There aren’t enough words to describe how ashamed I am.) (+1 Stupidity)
Despite being the second most clueless person in these books, Edward quickly realizes Bella’s magical ability to turn her lips white has something to do with the “Big Change.”
“You’re not ready,” he whispered. “I am,” I lied immediately, a reflex reaction.”
Oh, God, are we really having a conversation about sex? Oh, wait, nope, still just talking about the scheduled “Big Change.” God forbid this book be interesting. Also, I really think that if you have to lie to your boyfriend about being ready for anything, you should probably start looking for a new boyfriend. (+1 Red Flag)
Edward, surprisingly, decides it’s time to step the fuck up and be a decent human being. He tells Bella that she probably shouldn’t just jump into eternal damnation and sparkling just because some creep is stalking her, which is about the smartest thing that’s been said in this book so far. She should wait until the danger has been eliminated, so then she can make her decision clearly. (Of course, given Twilight’s pacing, this won’t happen until Twilight vol. 27: A lazy July afternoon.) He continues to state that he wants Bella to have an actual choice in this, unlike the rest of his marble-y family. (+1 Redemption)
Bella tries to argue this, but fails magnificently and ends up asking what she’s getting Alice and Edward for graduation. Why is she getting them stuff when they’ve both graduated high school at least 25 times? Nobody knows. (+1 Stupidity) Edward says that it looks like Bella was getting them tickets to a concert in Tacoma. In true Meyer fashion, we never even learn what band it was for, and the concert is never mentioned again. Why even bother? (+1 Stupidity)
As we knew it would, the conversation turns back to the subject of vampirism, (which at this point we all know is really about sex, because vampires are all symbolic and crap) and why Edward doesn’t want Bella to be a vampire.
“You could do so much better, Bella. I know that you believe I have a soul, but I’m not entirely convinced on that point, and to risk yours . . .” He shook his head slowly. “For me to allow this — to let you become what I am just so that I’ll never have to lose you — is the most selfish act I can imagine. I want it more than anything, for myself . But for you, I want so much more. Giving in — it feels criminal. It’s the most selfish thing I’ll ever do, even if I live forever. “If there were any way for me to become human for you — no matter what the price was, I would pay it.”
Ugh. Bella and Edward are just so lame and angsty. (+1 Angst) Bella just can’t believe this, she thought that Edward, for some reason, wouldn’t like her as much once she was a little pastier and drank blood. She gets a good chuckle over this, before Edward turns the tables on her and asks why she doesn’t want to marry him. Bella explodes at this, which is freakishly out of character considering she’s already signed herself up for a lifetime of eternal damnation.
“My face went from white to scarlet in a sudden blaze of chagrin. “Okay, fine! I’m sure this will sound like some big joke to you, but really! It’s just so . . . so . . . so embarrassing !”
After another hilarious misuse of the word chagrin (+1 Thesaurus Rape), Bella informs us all that she has a problem marrying Edward because she doesn’t want to be “that girl.” JK LOL what?
“I’m not that girl, Edward. The one who gets married right out of high school like some small-town hick who got knocked up by her boyfriend! Do you know what people would think? Do you realize what century this is? People don’t just get married at eighteen! Not smart people, not responsible, mature people! I wasn’t going to be that girl! That’s not who I am. . . .”
Not that girl? Bella, I hate to break it to you, but you are the biggest Sue in the history of Sues. You are most definitely “that girl.” (+1 Stupidity)
And also, great stereotyping, there. I’m shocked she didn’t conclude her little speech with, “Also, Irish people drink too much and every Asian is great at math.” But hey, go ahead and be concerned that society will look down on you because you got married at 18 rather than because you’re a bloodsucking demon. Prime example of Meyerlogic, right there. (+1 Stupidity)
Still, that part about hicks was really funny. I kind of love the idea of redneck Bedward, living in the trailer park, fighting over money and whose turn it is to catch dinner. (And then, someone would wrestle.)
Back to the topic. Edward tells Bella that she may not be that girl, but he was always that boy. You know, the type that would get down on one knee and pour his heart out once he found “The One” which is totally all romantic and crap. I’m not saying that men like this don’t exist, (if you are one, then I applaud you) it just comes off as desperately clingy and annoying when Edward says it. Like that bad date you went on in eight grade, and the guy professed his undying love for you in the span of three hours. Creepy, desperate, and restraining-order worthy. (+1 Red Flag)
Bella takes time to consider Edward’s side of the argument, and we have a completely necessary daydream sequence.
“I saw myself in a long skirt and a high-necked lace blouse with my hair piled up on my head. I saw Edward looking dashing in a light suit with a bouquet of wildflowers in his hand, sitting beside me on a porch swing. I shook my head and swallowed. I was just having Anne of Green Gables flashbacks.”
Oh, so Bella had a flashback, implying that this event it had previously occurred? WTF are you on, Meyer? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Anyway, this whole chunk is kind of stupid and pointless, so I’m just skimming it. All that really happens is that Edward tells Bella that they damn well better be hitched if Bella wants him to turn her into a vampire. Like we haven’t heard this a thousand times before. (+1 Stupidity)
“Time continued to move too fast. That night flew by dreamlessly, and then it was morning and graduation was staring me in the face. “
Wait, what?!?! I thought graduation was a week from yesterday?!? What’s going on??? (+1 Stupidity)
Fine, whatever. The next morning, Bella heads downstairs, and reads an article in the newspaper. I can tell Meyer stopped trying right about here, because her made-up article would only pass for news if you were an avid Fox News reader. (If you are, it’s too late for my help.) It’s horribly biased, makes all kinds of assumptions, and makes my inner journalist fume.
“The police are not calling the recent rash of homicides and disappearances the work of a serial killer. Not yet, at least. They are reluctant to believe so much carnage could be the work of one individual. This killer — if, in fact, it is one person — would then be responsible for 39 linked homicides and disappearances within the last three months alone. In comparison, Ridgway’s 48-count murder spree was scattered over a 21-year period. If these deaths can be linked to one man, then this is the most violent rampage of serial murder in American history.”
A quick lesson in journalism: Stick to the facts and don’t be stupid enough to possibly instigate mass panic. That is all. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella gets all fainty at this, and Edward has to rush in to calm her. Edward is starting to realize that there is some serious shit going down in Seattle, and Clan Cullen should probably check that out. He suggests that they skip school to talk to Jasper.
“Did you have a strong desire to attend class today? We’re only a couple of days from finals; they won’t be giving us anything new.” “I think I can live without school for a day. What are we doing?” “I want to talk to Jasper.”
Oh, just go ahead and skip school a few days away from finals. I hope you fail, fucktard.
So they skip and head over to Casa de Cullen. Edward tells Carlisle that the police are considering the possibility of a serial killer, which everyone gets a good chuckle from. God, the Cullens are such douchebags. Emmett suggests that they just go out now, because,”I’m dead bored.” Please, can this book just be about Emmett and Jacob already?
Anyways, everyone turns to Jasper, because apparently he’s going to be a character in this story after all. Right before he explains his backstory (which we can only hope is better than Rosalie’s) he rolls up his sleeve and shows Bella a scar on his forearm. This scar is exactly the same as the one Bella got from James; she freaks because ohemgee scar buddies 4 lyfee! Jasper keeps rolling up his sleeve, to reveal that HOLY SHIT HE’S COVERED IN BITE SCARS.
“And then I gasped, staring up at him. “Jasper, what happened to you?”
Whatever it was, I’m sure it’s just as big a waste of paper as the rest of the book.
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +3
Thesaurus Rape: +16
Eye Rape: +3
Cream Count: +3
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +49 Wolfballs +2