Chapter 11: Legends

Posted: June 27, 2012 in Eclipse
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What this chapter should be called: (Fake) Werewolf Stories

Edward creep-o-meter: 3


I began to suspect that the werewolf party would not live up to my expectations when the chapter opened with Paul and Jacob fighting over the last hot dog instead of riding jet skis. Oh well. In all seriousness, this review will probably be one giant summary, because there’s not a whole lot of opportunity for snarking. You win some, you lose some.

 So Paul and Jacob fight over the last hot dog while Bella worries that she’s being a party pooper.


“I’d started to worry about showing up with him at the bonfire, wondering if the werewolves would consider me a traitor now. Would they be angry with Jacob for inviting me? Would I ruin the party? But when Jacob had towed me out of the forest to the clifftop meeting place — where the fire already roared brighter than the cloud-obscured sun — it had all been very casual and light.”


Even though everyone knows Bella would sell all the werewolves into slavery for the slightest chance of some sparkles, she’s still a Sue, so all the werewolves still love her. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella tells us its not strictly a werewolf party; Billy is there, so are the Clearwaters, and Quil’s grandpa, Old Quil. (Which sounds like something I’d nickname my expired cough syrup.)

Bella also meets Jared’s imprintee/forever buddy/soul mate, and immediately judges her on her looks.


“My first impression of Kim was that she was a nice girl, a little shy, and a little plain. She had a wide face, mostly cheekbones, with eyes too small to balance them out. Her nose and mouth were both too broad for traditional beauty. Her flat black hair was thin and wispy in the wind that never seemed to let up atop the cliff.”


Seeing as Bella constantly calls herself plain and boring, I’m not sure where she gets off on trashing Kim’s looks. (+1 Bitch) Meyer must figure this is okay though, because after Bella creeps on Kim and Jared for a while, she can’t find anything else bad to say about her.

Bella whines to Jacob that it’s late, and Jacob tells her that she better stay the fuck awake, because we’re about to tell some bitchin’ injun stories.


“The histories we always thought were legends,” he said. “The stories of how we came to be. The first is the story of the spirit warriors.”


Once again, this is long, tedious to review, and even more tedious to snark. So I’m just going to summarize the stories and insert witty quips whenever the opportunity arises, kay? Werewolf stories, go!

So, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away the first Quileutes decided La Push was as good a place as any and settled down. They were good at lots of stuff, but eventually a bigger, meaner tribe kicked them out. That’s when this dude named Kaheleha comes in.  Kaheleha was a spirit warrior, meaning he could literally ghost out of his body and fuck shit up. So he took a bunch of other dudes ghosting, and they asked some big dogs and bats if they would kick the invading tribe off Quileute land.  (This is probably the origin story of injun Batman.)

The spirit warriors settle down and use their awesome ghost powers to keep other people off their land. Time passes, and eventually this dude Taha Aki pops up. Taha Aki is a total badass, by the way. Also, this guy named Utlapa is really pissed that Taha Aki is the ultimate badass, so he schemes to get rid of Taha Aki.

One day, while Taha Aki is off ghosting around, Utlapa ghosts out into Taha Aki’s body and kills his own so now he’s living in Taha Aki’s body. Cool. Utlapa starts impersonating Taha Aki all over the place, and since now he was chief, he could pretty much do whatever the fuck he wanted……which was to take a couple more wives. Um, okay. That’s not too terrible.  But apparently, the thought that his body is getting all sorts of sweet poontang while he isn’t really pisses Taha Aki off so he sends a wolf down to go kill Taha Utlapa. But the wolf ends up killing a young man instead, and Taha Aki feels super bad about this so he leaves.

Taha Aki ghosts off into the woods to be emo about not having a body, but then he wises up and asks the wolf to GTFO so he can use its body. He goes back into town, trying to yelp the songs of his people so he doesn’t get his ass killed. One dude named Yut goes ghosting and realizes that the Quileute tribe has been getting punk’d for the past couple months. Sadly, Utlapa cuts his throat before he can tell anyone.

And then the magic happens.

No, really.

Taha Aki is so mad that the wolf’s body can no longer contain his anger and transforms back into a man, the flesh interpretation of his spirit. Taha Aki beats the shit out of Utlapa and makes everything okay. Taha Aki has a lot of kids who can all turn into wolves too, btw. (This is important later.)

We take a break from the story to let Sam and Quil take a few potshots at each other. Yawn. We switch gears into a different story, about a third wife and her sacrifice.

Someone is stealing young, nubile virgins women from the neighboring injuns up the coast. The Quileutes are getting blamed for this, so a few wolves go out to try to find the vampire murderer. They don’t find anything, but they do smell something strange and sweet, that burns their noses.


“I shrank a little closer to Jacob’s side. I saw the corner of his mouth twitch with humor, and his arm tightened around me.”


So, Bella gets scared of stories that she knows the ending to now. Great. (+1 Stupidity)

Anyways, the wolves who go out looking for the mystery guest don’t come back. The Quileutes stop getting blamed for killing people. But, a year later, some virgins go missing again, and the same scent is found. The wolves head out again, to dish out their own brand of personalized, ultra-violent justice.

Only one of them comes back. He describes a creature as hard as stone and cold as ice that killed his brothers before he could kill it. He drops all the dismembered body parts on the ground for everyone to see. In a moment that must have been pants-shittingly terrifying, some of the pieces start trying to put themselves back together. So, the Indians burn all the pieces and bury them in separate locations. They nickname the creature “the Cold One” and get on with life.

A while later, the Cold One’s mate comes to get revenge on the Quileutes for killing her one twu wuv. (Is this all female vampires in this book can do?) The female is amazingly beautiful, so much that several injuns begin to worship her as a goddess. She asks a “incomprehensible question” in a foreign language, and then kills everyone.

A few survivors make it to Taha Aki, who wolfs out and goes to kick ass. The lady comes out of the harbor, where she was fucking with the Quileute ships, and asks her “incomprehensible question” again. (Which was more likely than not, “Does this make me look fat?”)

The vamp tangles with the two wolves, killing the younger one before turning to Taha Aki, who is really fucking pissed. They fight, and Taha Aki starts to lose really bad. That’s when his third wife (who is also his one twu wuv) jumps in. She runs over there, knife in hand, and plunges it into her own heart. The vamp is distracted by this, allowing Taha Aki to win.

Okay, okay, time out. Does anyone else think this is really fucking stupid?  The wife did realize that a little nick on the wrist probably would have worked just as good, right? Or, y’know, going up there and just waving her arms around while screaming “booga booga booga!”  Why are women in this book so retarded?!? (+2 Stupidity)  

Anyway, the death of his one twu wuv makes Taha Aki lose his shit, and he never dewolfs himself again. Time passes, and eventually Clan Cullen pops up and makes a treaty with the wolves. And now we’ve got a bunch of wolves on our hands who just have to tough it out in case the Cullens suddenly become murderous.

This makes Bella start to think about how cool the third wife was because she saved the entire tribe with her stupidity, despite being a normal, average human. She falls asleep, and Jacob carries her back to the boundary, where Edward (upset that it’s past Bella’s bedtime) is waiting. He takes Bella home, and tucks her in. Bella goes back to sleep, because this book is really just that exciting. Oh, and Bella has one of those weirdly specific dreams again.


Rosalie, her hair swinging wet and golden down to the back of her knees, was lunging at an enormous wolf — its muzzle shot through with silver — that I instinctively recognized as Billy Black…Something flashed in my hand, and I noticed for the first time that my right hand wasn’t empty. I held a long, sharp blade, ancient and silver, crusted in dried, blackened blood.”


First off, blood actually turns this weird brownish color when it dries. (+1 Stupidity) Anyway, this scares Bella  silly, so she wakes up and turns to her sparkly-poo for comfort. Joy. Edward tells the dumb bitch to go back to sleep.

“The next morning dawned pearl gray and still. Edward asked me about my dream, but I couldn’t get a handle on it. I only remembered that I was cold, and that I was glad he was there when I woke up.”


Edward kisses her long enough for that heart condition to flare up (+1 Stupidity), then leaves to go change clothes. Bella goes back up to her room, and finds her copy of Wuthering Heights lying on the floor. She figures Edward must have been reading it last night, and picks it up to see what part he was at. It’s a passage she “knows well,” because she’s a Sue and therefore knows everything well.

“And there you see the distinction between our feelings: had he been in my place and I in his, though I hated him with a hatred that turned my life to gall, I never would have raised a hand against him. You may look incredulous, if you please! I never would have banished him from her society as long as she desired his. The moment her regard ceased, I would have torn his heart out, and drank his blood! But, till then — if you don’t believe me, you don’t know me — till then, I would have died by inches before I touched a single hair of his head! The three words that had caught my eye were “drank his blood.”


What I get from this is that we are now supposed to know that Edward is such a gentleman that he will stop restraining Bella for her own safety and let her do things like see her friends. Okay, cool. Bella “shudders” and decides that this wasn’t the part Edward was on after all. for a supposed “strong” character, Bella is awfully fainthearted. (+1 Stupidity)

So, all in all, not that horrible a chapter. I actually enjoyed the Quileute stories, so I decided to do a little research to see if I could find any more detailed versions of the stories in the chapter, or any other stories that related to the topic.

Yeah, they don’t exist.

The first site I went to actually had a section stating that Meyer pulled shit about the “Cold Ones” straight out of her ass! And “Spirit Warriors?” That’s crap, too! While it’s true that the Quileutes have the legend of being descended from wolves, the rest is complete and utter bullshit. I don’t even – gah!

Did Meyer just forget that the Quileutes are real people? No, but let’s just go make up some bullshit stories about them anyway! Jesus! And she barely even bothered to base them off actual Quileute myths and legends that already existed! This makes me so fuckin’ ANGRY! Why the hell couldn’t Meyer have taken 15 seconds of her goddamned precious time to do a motherfucking Google search to find a freakin’ story she could tie her stupid fairies into? NOBODY KNOWS! Or, better yet, sat down at the very beginning of Twilight and taken 10 minutes to create her own fuckin’ tribe she could make stories for and no one would give a damn because they knew said tribe was fake in the first place? I have no fucking clue. (+5 Stupidity)

Probably because that would be too smart.


Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +12

Bitch: +1

Murmur: 3

Glower: 1


Book Count:

Stupidity: +141

Angst: +3

Bitch: +21

Thesaurus Rape: +14

Eye Rape: +3

Cream Count: +3

Red Flag: Sparklepeen +46 Wolfballs +2

Redemption: +4

Murmur: 33

Glower: 10

  1. maya says:

    Yeaaah…. I’m considering this my birthday present because its just awesome.

  2. jqtrotter says:

    This was a better read than the actual book. I love how you have an “Edward creep-o-meter”. That guy was an epic creeper.

  3. Evelise says:

    God bless you and your words.

  4. Pixie says:

    Whoops! Spoke too soon about the fairies.

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