Chapter 8: Temper

Posted: June 6, 2012 in Eclipse
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Bella is an idiot

Edward creep-o-meter: 5

 

I regret to inform you that Jacob’s daring rescue of Bella does not end in him joyously slaughtering vampires with an AK-47 and an automatic crossbow. It ends in…well, you’ll see.

They end up on the beach, wandering down it, again. This just must be Bella’s favorite thing in the world, seeing as she seems to end up doing this every time she’s at La Push. She would probably turn down a trip to Space Camp just to wander down a beach. Hell, if I didn’t know better, I’d say that taking a walk down the beach was code for having sex or doing drugs. (+1 Stupidity)

Besides, walking down the beach is not exactly the highest thing up on my to-do list after being sprung from vampire prison. Higher up would be loading a sniper rifle with bullets blessed in holy water and discussing my knowledge of entry points into Casa de Cullen.

Bella lets it slip that Mr. Sparklepants is going to get his belt when she gets home. Jacob suggests that she doesn’t go back, and just stays with the awesome werewolves and has oodles of fun and outdoor spaghetti dinners. Hell, where do I sign?

 

“Don’t go back, then,” he suggested again. “Charlie would love that,” I said sarcastically. “I bet he wouldn’t mind.”

 

Bella gnashes her teeth over how unfair it is that Charlie prefers Jacob over Edward. Since Jacob was the one who pulled Bella out of the crippling depression Edward left her in, I think Bella needs to shut her cakehole. (+1 Bitch)

Bella asks what the latest pack scandal is, and Jacob’s eyes nearly pop out of his skull. Oh, so there is a scandal! Hopefully no one got their face ripped off this time.

 

“Quil imprinted. That’s three now. The rest of us are starting to get worried. Maybe it’s more common than the stories say. . . .”

 

Oh, so Quil imprinted. Um, okay. *chirp chirp*

“Emily had her two nieces down for a visit . . . and Quil met Claire.”

 

So Quil met and imprinted on Claire.

Who is two.

Holy balls.

 

“Quil . . . imprinted . . . with a two-year-old ?”

 

What exactly is Meyer trying to do here? Did she just say to herself, “You know who always gets a bad rap? Pedophiles! To the magic computer!” (+1 Stupidity) Or is she just trying to tell us in her weird way that love is timeless? Either way, I can just imagine what it’s going to be like when Embry imprints.

 

Jacob: So, Embry imprinted and the wedding is tomorrow. Will you come?

Bella: Oh, I don’t know, the Cullens are thinking about cutting off my legs so I don’t step on anything dangerous. Who’s the girl he’s marrying?

Jacob: Actually, it’s a wheelbarrow. Her name is Sharon.

Bella: A wheelbarrow? Are you fucking serious right now?

Jacob: Jesus Christ, Bella! It’s perfectly normal to imprint on inanimate objects! Why does everyone have this response whenever I tell them my uncle once dated a pile of leaves, and my great-grandmother is actually a old car battery? You whites are so ignorant of werewolf culture! *hangs up sobbing*

 

Jacob elaborates on the whole imprinting deal, and how it’s just the most perfect thing imaginable.

 

“Quil will be the best, kindest big brother any kid ever had. There isn’t a toddler on the planet that will be more carefully looked after than that little girl will be. And then, when she’s older and needs a friend, he’ll be more understanding, trustworthy, and reliable than anyone else she knows. And then, when she’s grown up, they’ll be as happy as Emily and Sam.”

 

Well, that’s just grand, but there is a gaping hole here: does Claire even have a choice in this? What if she grows up and decides that there’s a guy she’d rather have? What happens then? Jacob argues that Claire does have a choice, but why would she choose differently? After all he’ll be her perfect match. Uh, because it would be fucking creepy to sleep with the guy who changed your diapers. (+1 Stupidity)

God, this is just so stupid! It’s kind of sick, actually. Like finding out your grandma made pornographic films under the nickname “Bendy Wendy.”

 

“When do you think it will happen for you?” I asked quietly. His answer was flat and immediate. “Never.”

 

Jacob says that he will never imprint, because Bella is the only person he could ever love. Okay, this is the Jacob I can’t stand; the sad-sack who spends too much time moping over Bella. (+1 Angst) It’s kind of like finding out Batman cries in the shower, where no one can see the tears.

But Jake quickly pulls his head out and says he’ll be fine. Good boy. He suggests that they go ride motorcycles instead of beach-walking. (He’s probably going to hate beaches for the rest of his life because of Bella, too.)

 

“I really don’t think I’m allowed.” “By who? Charlie or the blood — or him ?”

 

Jacob’s grin manages to be sunny while the rain simultaneously softens and turns to mist. Is that even possible? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Anyways, they ride around for awhile, until Jacob gets hungry and they eat sandwiches and drink soda in Jacob’s garage. This is just nice, and I don’t want to read to much into it and spoil the moment. Eventually Jake mentions that a lot of shit has changed.

 

“Hey, I never did apologize officially for that stupid move with the bike. I’m real sorry about ratting you out to Charlie. I wish I hadn’t.” I rolled my eyes. “Me, too.” “I’m really, really sorry.”

 

For the record, this is why I like Jacob. He actually recognizes that he’s been an asshole. Whenever Edward is an asshole, it’s just because he’s trying to protect her. Never once have I seen him apologize for anything. Arguably, Jacob has been trying to protect Bella just as much, but does he use the fact to excuse his behavior? No, and that is why Jacob is better than Edward.

Jacob finally addresses the elephant in the room and asks if Bella was serious about the “Big Change.”

 

“Yes,” I whispered. Jacob inhaled, slow and deep. “I guess I knew that.” I stared at his face, waiting for his eyes to open. “You know what this will mean?” He demanded suddenly. “You do understand that, don’t you? What will happen if they break the treaty?”

 

If the treaty is broken, there will be a war, at which point I will cheer so loudly that the neighbors will think I’m going to go see The Avengers for the 12th time. Bella’s first instinct is to throw it back in Jacob’s face that he broke the treaty first, so nyah nyah nyah! Besides, it doesn’t have to be that way, right?

 

“His teeth ground together. “It is that way.” The silence after his declaration felt very loud. “Will you never forgive me, Jacob?” I whispered. As soon as I said the words, I wished I hadn’t. I didn’t want to hear his answer. “You won’t be Bella anymore,” he told me. “My friend won’t exist. There’ll be no one to forgive.”

 

When Jacob asks if they can still be friends until they’re out of time in a few years. Bella laughs, because fuck that, she’s going to be all sparkled out in just a few weeks. Have fun running around the woods, furry. (+1 Bitch) Probably not the smartest thing to say, because Jacob nearly fursplodes then and there.

 

“He’s going to change you into a filthy bloodsucker in just a few weeks !” Jacob hissed through his teeth. Too stunned to take offense at his words, I just nodded mutely.”

 

Bella’s excuse is, what else can she do? If she doesn’t change now she’s going to get old. Like, who wants to turn twenty? (+1 Stupidity)

 

“Besides, what’s the point in waiting? He’s all I want. What else can I do?” I’d meant that as a rhetorical question. His words cracked like snaps of a whip. “Anything. Anything else. You’d be better off dead. I’d rather you were.”

 

Bella gets all huffy that Jacob has a problem with her “Big Change” yells, and speeds off on her motorcycle, bitching all the way.

 

“I got absolutely soaked as I sped across the slick highway toward the Cullens’ house. The wind felt like it was freezing the rain against my skin, and my teeth were chattering before I was halfway there. Motorcycles were too impractical for Washington. I would sell the stupid thing first chance I got.”

 

Wait a minute, didn’t it stop raining back when they were on the beach? Or is the weather just incredibly plot-dependent? (+1 Stupidity) Bella keeps whining about how cold it is, but seeing as it was her choice to speed out all dramatic-like, I really don’t care. (+1 Bitch)

Bella goes to bed early, but is rudely awoken halfway through by the Sparkledouche himself.

 

“I could almost taste the sweetness of reunion in the air, a separate fragrance from the perfume of his breath; the emptiness when we were apart left its own bitter aftertaste, something I didn’t consciously notice until it was removed. There was no friction in the space between us. The stillness was peaceful — not like the calm before the tempest, but like a clear night untouched by even the dream of a storm.”

 

Meyer, he was away for two days. It’s not like he was in Iraq, so calm down with the purple prose, kay? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

And then, Bella just forgets everything. She forgets that he forbade her to see her best friend. She forgets he made his sister kidnap her. She forgets that she was even mad at him. And they make out because that is just soooo hawt. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“Welcome home,” I said while his cold lips pressed under my jaw. “I’m glad you came back.”

 

Then, things get awkward. As in, really awkward. As in, Edward tries to initiate Operation: Sexytimes.

 

“His hand curved around my elbow, moving slowly down my arm, across my ribs and over my waist, tracing along my hip and down my leg, around my knee. He paused there, his hand curling around my calf. He pulled my leg up suddenly, hitching it around his hip.”

 

Bella freaks out because this is the kind of stuff that is “not normally allowed.” Damn, that’s messed up. (+1 Red Flag) Edward than uses his new position to make Bella fess up about why exactly she dislikes the bed. She says it’s impractical, and Sparkledouche says that it could have, well, other benefits.

 

“He pulled my face back to his, and my lips shaped themselves around his. Slowly this time, he rolled till he hovered over me. He held himself carefully so that I felt none of his weight, but I could feel the cool marble of his body press against mine. My heart was hammering so loudly that it was hard to hear his quiet laughter. “That’s debatable,” he disagreed. “This would be difficult on a couch.”

 

While Bella’s ticker goes haywire, (+1 Stupidity) Edward gets on top of her, causing Bella to freak out because OMG sex. When she straight up asks if he’ll fuck her now, he rolls over and laughs. Jesus, Eddie, you are such a little cocktease. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Bella,” he said, disapproval strong in his voice — clearly, he understood what I meant. “I was just trying to illustrate the benefits of the bed you don’t seem to like. Don’t get carried away.”

 

Yes, he just rolls over and tells her to stop being ridiculous. That’s true love, right there! I just love it when my boyfriend gets me all hot and bothered, then tells me I’m ridiculous when I call him on it. Swoon! (+1 Red Flag)

See, this is one of those parts where Meyer probably should have reread what she had just written to make sure it sounded okay. I’m sure this was intended to send the message that you should wait until marriage, which is fine and dandy, but here there’s less “let’s wait until we’re married,” and more, “I use sex as a means of controlling you.” Look how quickly Bella forgave Edward when he threw to chance of some vampire fucking into the mix! If that’s not controlling, I don’t know what is. (+1 Stupidity)

Then again, there’s the off chance that Edward was being sincere. Think about it: sex wasn’t as openly discussed in his time, so the poor guy just doesn’t know what to do. The fact that he’s a 108 year-old virgin would actually be explained by this. His first time is more than likely to be filled with, “Does that go there? Is this right? It doesn’t feel right. Do you like that? Is this okay? Why can’t I stop crying?”

Anyhoo, they cuddle up and Bella asks if she needs to apologize for daring to see her friends. And Edward says….no. This is a new one.

 

“He sighed. “I decided that you were right. My problem before was more about my . . . prejudice against werewolves than anything else. I’m going to try to be more reasonable and trust your judgment. If you say it’s safe, then I’ll believe you.”

 

Whoa! Where did all this tolerance come from? (+1 Stupidity)  Did Jacob beat some sense into Edward when we weren’t looking? But asides from that, props to Meyer for realizing Edward was being a jealous dick. (+1 Redemption)

Bella then whines to Edward about how unfair it is that Jacob has a problem with her becoming one of the sparkling undead. Edward then restores his title of Dickbreath Supreme by offering to kill Jacob. Y’know, because violence is always the answer. (+1 Red Flag)

Moving on, Bella tries to initiate naked fun time again, to which Edward calls her irresponsible. She the inquires as to Edward’s past relationships with other female vampires. Sparklepeen nearly refuses to answer her questions, which is a sure sign of a trusting relationship, I’m sure. Oh, okay, so there was this one lady.

 

“He sighed. “Tanya expressed a little interest. I let her know, in a very courteous, gentlemanly fashion, that I did not return that interest. End of story.”

 

But she was a strawberry blonde, and whaddaya know, Edward prefers brunettes.

 

“He put his lips right to my ear; his cold breath tickled. “I prefer brunettes.”

 

Methinks Meyer really did have a problem with the pretty blonde girls in high school.

Edward laughs at Bella’s foolish jealousy, then sings her off to sleep in the corniest way possible.

 

“Sleep, my Bella. Dream happy dreams. You are the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours. Sleep, my only love.”

 

Gack. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

I just want this to be over already.

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +9

Angst: +1

Bitch: +3

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Red Flag: Sparklepeen + 4

Redemption: +1

Murmur: 4

Glower: 0

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +113

Angst: +3

Bitch: +19

Thesaurus Rape: +14

Eye Rape: +3

Cream Count: +2

Red Flag: Sparklepeen +45 Wolfballs +2

Redemption: +2

Murmur: 23

Glower: 7

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Comments
  1. Lily Wight says:

    lmao! These books are sooooo ridiculous but we HAVE to read them regardless. Imprinting is gross (and people thought Interview with The Vampire was bad when it was released).
    I think Bella’s change might be referring to Early Menopause.

  2. “Batman cries in the shower where no one can see his tears” was priceless. Many thanks. I can’t believe Edward has so many red flags in just 8 chapters. And it only gets worse.

  3. raelineclaud says:

    You know I’m actually attempting to rewrite this entire series but, with all the idiocy in these books, I’m not sure I’ll make it.

  4. TacoMagic says:

    God, this is just so stupid! It’s kind of sick, actually. Like finding out your grandma made pornographic films under the nickname “Bendy Wendy.”

    Woo! Coffee nasal irrigation!

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