What this chapter should be called: 2 pages of awesome
Edward creep-o-meter: 7
This chapter is terrible. Just terrible. This chapter is so honest-to-god terrible that there are places where I couldn’t determine if I was reading Eclipse or a poorly constructed Jane Eyre fanfiction. Seriously, this chapter just really made me realize that Meyer has no idea how people talk. Here’s the first sentence of the chapter:
“Rosalie hesitated in my doorway, her breathtaking face unsure.”
And also, Meyer has no idea how an 18 year-old girl thinks. If this had been me, I would have been thinking:
“Rosalie’s at the door. What the hell is her problem?”
“GTFO, Rosalie, I’m trying to sleep.”
You get the point. (+1 Stupidity)
Rosalie asks if they can talk, causing Bella to freak.
“She laughed lightly, and it sounded like a chorus of bells.”
To quote Stephen King, the road to hell is paved with adverbs. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella and Rose make some awkward small talk, and then Rosalie gets around to her point: She wants Bella to stay human.
“Did Edward ever tell you what led to this?” she asked, gesturing to her glorious immortal body. I nodded slowly, suddenly somber. “He said it was close to what happened to me that time in Port Angeles, only no one was there to save you .”
What, so Rosalie was nearly name-called to death? I’m so confused. (+1 Stupidity) Then we get a line that makes me feel the need to find some good crackers.
“Would you like to hear my story, Bella? It doesn’t have a happy ending — but which of ours does? If we had happy endings, we’d all be under gravestones now.”
Stephenie Meyer’s writing: the literary equivalent to a fine, well-aged Brie.
Rosalie starts to tell her story, the gist of which is pretty much, “I lived during the Great Depression and I was pretty and spoiled.” The only reason Rosalie wasn’t living out of a cardboard box is because her daddy was a banker, so he had a stable job. Um, what? Does Meyer not know that bankers were among the first people to lose their jobs in the Depression? Once again, literally 10 seconds on Google could have solved this. (+1 Stupidity)
All Rosalie really wanted to do was get married, which is pretty par for course for Meyerland women. Oh, that and have babies. Right.
“There were a few things I wanted that were more meaningful. One thing in particular. My very closest friend was a girl named Vera. She married young, just seventeen. She married a man my parents would never have considered for me — a carpenter. A year later she had a son, a beautiful little boy with dimples and curly black hair.”
Rosalie’s ugly friend Vera and her husband (I either couldn’t find or didn’t remember his name, so I’ll call him Bilbo.) had a pretty baby that made Rosalie want one of her own. So Rosalie’s mommy set her up with the other rich family in town.
“In Rochester, there was one royal family — the Kings, ironically enough. Royce King owned the bank my father worked at, and nearly every other really profitable business in town.”
Not to mention that the bank probably would have been either shut down or extremely poor, so I doubt anyone who owned a bank back then would be rich. Just saying. (+1 Stupidity)
So Rosalie started shacking up with Royce King Jr., and started planning her fairytale wedding and whatnot. But Rosalie was still jealous of her ugly friends Vera and Bilbo because they had kids, and now she really, really wanted one of her very own.
And then things went south.
“I was a few streets from my house when I heard them. A cluster of men under a broken streetlamp, laughing too loud.“
Uh-oh, a dark street with dirty drunk men. This setup just screams of cliché. (+1 Stupidity) But long story short, the men are Rosalie’s fiancé and a few of his friends. They beat the shit out of Rose, have their way with her, and leave her in the alley.
Jesus. You would think that Meyerland women would have figured out by now not to go wandering down alleys as it will inevitably lead to rape, or name-calling. (+1 Stupidity)
And then Carl found Rose, just lying in the road bleeding out and stuff. He grabs her, and super-sparkle runs back to his then-home. He then proceeds to bite the crap out of her.
“But suddenly something sharp was cutting me, my throat, my wrists, my ankles. I screamed in shock, thinking he’d brought me there to hurt me more. Then fire started burning through me, and I didn’t care about anything else. I begged him to kill me. When Esme and Edward returned home, I begged them to kill me, too. Carlisle sat with me. He held my hand and said that he was so sorry, promising that it would end.”
Let’s get a few things straight.
1. We don’t even know that Rosalie was hurt that bad. For all we know, she just needed some bandages and a few weeks in bed. But noo, he just had to change her even though she might have been able to heal and live. (+1 Stupidity)
2. Even though Rosalie begged for death, and would have probably preferred it to her new “life,” Carl turned her anyway, never even pausing to think that she might not want to be a damned soul. No matter how you spin it, that’s just fucked up.
3. Even though we’ve had time to take these things into account, we are still supposed to believe that Carlisle is the most compassionate person that has ever lived. (+1 Stupidity)
Man who has dedicated his life to helping others: Oh, Jesus, my legs just got cut off and I’m bleeding to death! *dies*
Hot blonde chick: Ouch, I got a paper cut!
Carlisle: *bites* Come with me, my child, and I will teach you the ways of the night.
Eventually, Rosalie wakes up from her vampire nappy-time and is just thrilled to see that she is the most gorgeous thing evar.
“Shallow as I was, I felt better when I saw my reflection in the mirror the first time. Despite the eyes, I was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.” She laughed at herself for a moment. “It took some time before I began to blame the beauty for what had happened to me — for me to see the curse of it. To wish that I had been . . . well, not ugly, but normal.”
Is every immortal character in these books really just this pathetically Sue-ish?
Rosalie continues, moping how that she will never be able to fulfill her womanly duty and have babies experience the joy of raising a child. She then tells us that she’s never even tasted human blood, which means she’s more of a fairy than a vampire. Good one, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)
“I did murder five humans,” she told me in a complacent tone. “If you can really call them human . But I was very careful not to spill their blood — I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist that, and I didn’t want any part of them in me, you see.”
Rosalie tells us that she murdered all five of her attackers, somehow without spilling any blood. Is that even possible? (+1 Stupidity) She also wore her wedding dress while she did it, for the added horror factor, though I’m not sure if someone was brutally murdering me I would care about their clothes. (+1 Stupidity)
Rosalie plows on and tells us about how decent Edward is, and how he is just so trustworthy and caring. It’s a little over-the-top, but I understand why it’s happening. Since it would be too much of a chore to actually have Edward do something decent or trustworthy, we’ll just have another character tell us so. Close enough, right? (+1 Stupidity)
And then, Rosalie turns the subject around to Bella, and in the biggest admission of Sue-dom ever, tells her that she is jealous of her.
“You see, at first, I was mostly jealous because he wanted you and not me.” Her words sent a thrill of fear through me. Sitting there in the silver light, she was more beautiful than anything else I could imagine. I could not compete with Rosalie.”
Yes, because beauty is all that has ever mattered! Forget those pesky little things like personalities! Beauty is the only measure of worth imaginable! (+1 Stupidity)
If I can say one good thing about Bella as a character, it’s that she perfectly encompasses the insecurities and shallowness of a teenage girl. Sadly, we are supposed to believe that she is mature beyond her years.
We keep going, and find out that Rosalie was vain enough to mind that Edward found Bella more beautiful than her. Rosalie then snaps at Bella for deciding to throw her entire life away to be a gorgeous, talented, rich creature of the night. Jesus, I can’t see why anyone would want that. (+1 Stupidity) Bella reminds Rosalie that she does have a man, so her life can’t be that bad.
“You did get some of your happy ending, though,” I reminded her. “You got Emmett.” “I got half.” She grinned. “You know that I saved Emmett from a bear that was mauling him, and carried him home to Carlisle. But can you guess why I stopped the bear from eating him?” I shook my head. “With the dark curls . . . the dimples that showed even while he was grimacing in pain . . . the strange innocence that seemed so out of place on a grown man’s face . . . he reminded me of Vera’s little Henry.”
Whoa! So Rosalie, bitter over the fact that she can never have children die peacefully, so she asks Carlisle to damn someone that looks like her friend’s kid, continuing the vicious cycle. Then, as the cherry on top, starts having sex with the guy who looks like her friend’s kid?!?
Man, this book is fucking twisted!
Anyways, Rosalie tells Bella to seriously consider not damning herself to an eternity of being beautiful, rich, and talented. She leaves, Bella goes to sleep, and has a nightmare directly relating to what Rosalie just told her.
“I was crawling across the dark, cold stones of an unfamiliar street, under lightly falling snow, leaving a trail of blood smeared behind me. A shadowy angel in a long white dress watched my progress with resentful eyes.”
Bella just always has these really specific dreams, huh? I don’t know about you, but my dreams hardly ever relate to my life so directly. (+1 Stupidity)
The next day, Alice drives Bella to school, promising her that they’ll go to Olympia to do something. Bella will have to wear her helmet and goggles, just in case she trips, of course, but it’ll still be fun! Bella goes to first period all grumpy, and – suddenly, wormholes!
“When the bell rang, I got up without much enthusiasm. Mike was there at the door, holding it open for me. “Edward hiking this weekend?” he asked sociably as we walked out into the light rain. “Yeah.”
Okay, so they’re walking out of their first period class. Remember this. Mike tries to make small talk, then Jacob just whips out of nowhere on his motorcycle.
“Everyone on the sidewalk turned to look, staring in disbelief as the noisy black motorcycle screeched to a stop on the edge of the concrete, the engine still snarling. Jacob waved to me urgently. “Run, Bella!” he yelled over the engine’s roar.”
Whoa, whoa, back the fuck up! So Bella walks out of her first class, and Jacob just pulls up out of nowhere? What the hell? Once again, I don’t know about you guys, but my school has a fucking fence around it. We can’t even get out to the front of our school without going through our front office or gym, and yet Bella can just waltz out to the street? (+1 Stupidity)
Staying true to form, Bella decides now would be the perfect time to bolt. She tells Mike that she “got really sick and went home” and then kisses him on the cheek to make sure she’ll still be able to use him in the future. (+1 Bitch)
“I caught sight of Alice, frozen at the edge of the cafeteria, her eyes sparking with fury, her lip curled back over her teeth. I shot her one pleading glance. Then we were racing across the blacktop so fast that my stomach got lost somewhere behind me. “Hold on,” Jacob shouted.”
Good God, I love Jacob.
Bella knows she’s getting a scolding and perhaps a few broken bones when she sees Mr. Dreamypants when she gets back, but who the hell cares?
“He laughed triumphantly. “What do you want to do today?” “Anything!” I laughed back. It felt great to be free.”
And they ride off into the sunset.
I really wish this was true.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +11
Eye Rape: +3
Cream Count: +2
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +41 Wolfballs +2