What this chapter should be called: Kidnapping is fun!
Edward creep-o-meter: THROUGH THE FUCKING WINDOW
I’m actually kind of eager for this chapter, which both surprises and frightens me. Maybe it’s because I know that I will totally get to go off on Edward for being a total creep. It could just be the promise of some substance and less talk about feelings. Hmmm.
Bella is driving back into Forks, and immediately after she crosses over the injun border, a shiny silver Volvo is tailgating her.
“I considered pulling over. But I was too much of a coward to face him right away. I’d been counting on some prep time . . . and having Charlie nearby as a buffer. At least that would force him to keep his voice down.”
Bella has been preparing for a scolding, and perhaps even a spanking from her vampire sweetheart, but following her creepily in his car? I am just shocked. There is no possible way anyone would be that controlling, right? (+1 Red Flag)
“The Volvo followed inches behind me. I kept my eyes on the road ahead.”
Okay, question. If Edward wants to creepily keep tabs on Bella, why doesn’t he just run alongside the road? Sparklepires have super speed, right? No, he has to follow her in his car, which reads like a scene from a B-rated slasher flick. (+1 Stupidity)
Oh, and why is Edward worried? I get that Alice can’t have visions of Bella when she’s with werewolves, but shouldn’t Alice have been able to see Bella deciding to go over to Angela’s house? She couldn’t have taken two seconds to zap Eddie a mind-note saying “yo, Bella is going over to Angela’s, so her face obviously hasn’t been torn off.” Then again, maybe Alice is just a jerk. (+1 Stupidity)
Also, Meyer tells us it’s sunny outside, so Edward should be lit up like a Christmas tree right about now. Continuity fail! (+1 Stupidity)
See, one of my biggest gripes about the sparkling is that Meyer never sets parameters for when her vampires physically can and cannot sparkle, preferring to leave it to the convenience of the plot. In fact, if Meyer had taken one word back in book 1 to specify that vampires only sparkled in direct sunlight, I wouldn’t rag on her half as much.
Anyway, Bella drives to Angela’s, and pulls over in to the driveway. Edward just drives right by. Well, that is certainly not creepy. You’d think the least he could do would be to roll down his window and briefly talk with her. But he just cruises right on by, a move that’s distinctly less “Romeo” and more “Hannibal Lecter.” (+1 Red Flag)
Moving on. Angela invites Bella in, and they fill out envelopes. This part is actually nice. Even though it’s simple, I like it when the characters in this book act like actual teens instead of melodramatic sad sacks who throw logic and reason out the window just to give the plot a shove in the right direction.
“I was feeling a bit less panicked, able to breathe a little more evenly.”
Bella is freaking PANICKING because she disobeyed her boyfriend and was totally freaked about what he was going to do. That, my friends, is 50 different kinds of messed up. (+1 Red Flag)
“It felt so ordinary here. Angela’s easy human dramas were oddly reassuring. It was nice to know that life was normal somewhere.”
Waah! I’m not one of the beautiful undead! Waaah! I get everything I want! WAAH! I have two hot guys fighting over me! MY LIFE IS SO TERRIBLE! (+1 Bitch)
Angela’s parents are conveniently gone, off in Port Angeles taking her younger siblings to a birthday party. (Angela, call the cops. Anyone who knows what we know about Port Angeles knows that by now, they’ve been gang-raped once, mugged three times, and murdered twice.)
Thankfully, there is much less meaningless filler conversation here than there was last chapter. Eventually, since Bella and Angela are female, the conversation turns to relationships. Angela notices that Bella is on edge, and asks if everything is okay with her and Edward. (Everything’s fucking peachy, thank you very much.)
“Is something wrong?” she asked in a low voice now. “You seem . . . anxious.” I smiled sheepishly. “Is it that obvious?” “Not really.”
Angela seems like such a good friend. From now on, can this book just be about Angela, Jacob, Emmett, and Tyler’s van?
“She was probably lying to make me feel better.”
God, I hate it when people do nice things for me. (+1 Bitch)
Bella decides that even though she’s sworn to secrecy on the topic of monsters (though it seems like if you tell this secret, your only punishment is ice cream and hugs) it would be okay to bitch about her terrible life to Angela for awhile.
“Edward thinks Jacob is . . . a bad influence, I guess. Sort of . . . dangerous. You know how much trouble I got in a few months back. . . . It’s all ridiculous, though.” I was surprised to see Angela shaking her head. “What?” I asked. “Bella, I’ve seen how Jacob Black looks at you. I’d bet the real problem is jealousy.”
Thank you, Angela, for being one of the sole voices of reason in this book. Bella brushes this off, because there’s no way that someone as perfect as Edward would ever be jealous of anyone. Angela’s response to this is, “Um, yeah, I’m pretty fucking sure he’s jealous.” Good job, Angela.
They eventually switch topics and chat about college. Angela and Ben are going to University of Washington. Bella takes a moment to ponder the fact that the closest thing she has to a best friend will soon be moving to a city that’s being terrorized by bloodsucking, sparklemongering creatures of the night.
“For a second I was distracted by the thought of Angela and Ben at the University of Washington. They would be off to Seattle in just a few months. Would it be safe then? Would the wild young vampire menace have moved elsewhere? Would there be a new place by then, some other city flinching from horror-movie headlines? Would those new headlines be my fault?”
Oh, nice, Your friend is moving to a place where it’s quite possible that she could be brutally murdered, but your only concern is whether or not your decision to become an immortal monster might get some other people hurt. You know, I am just really starting to see where all these Twifan claims of Bella being the most selfless person ever come from. (+1 Bitch)
Bella decides that, hey, fuck this, murderous vampires really aren’t that big a problem, and drops the subject without so much as a “be careful, mkay?” Angela could probably announce that she was going to the University of Volterra, and Bella would only giggle nervously and ask if she’s read any good books lately. (+1 Bitch)
And I don’t mean that Bella has to spill the beans on the whole vampire thing, if that’s what you think. In the aforementioned situations, a simple “just don’t go wandering down dark alleys alone” or, “stay the fuck away from tour guides dressed as hookers” would be just fine. (+1 Stupidity)
Sometimes the sheer stupidity in this book just overwhelms me.
Time passes uneventfully, Ben comes back to Angela’s house from whatever he was doing, and Bella takes this as her cue to leave.
“I tried to smile, but my lips trembled. “I guess that’s my cue to leave.”
If you are ever so frightened by your significant other that you are literally trembling, please call the fucking cops before you confront them. This has been a public service announcement, thank you for your time and have a nice day. (+1 Red Flag)
Bella drives home, nearly pissing herself several times. Edward’s car isn’t in front of her house, but we all know it’s because already crept into her room. She goes in the house and briefly talks to Charlie, who’s pretty happy that Bella decided to do something for once. She then trudges on up to her room to face the wrath of Mr. Dreamy Eyes.
“See you later,” Charlie called after me. If I survive, I thought to myself.”
Oh holy balls here we go.
“He stood against the wall across from me, in the shadow beside the open window. His face was hard and his posture tense. He glared at me wordlessly. I cringed, waiting for the torrent, but it didn’t come. He just continued to glare, possibly too angry to speak.”
Bella, honey, if you are cringing in anticipation of your boyfriend’s impending abuse, please, PLEASE get the fuck away from him. (+1 Red Flag) Better yet, use your werewolf call (two short whistles followed by a howl) to summon the pack to fend him off. Hell, if the werewolves are too busy being awesome somewhere else, call ME. I will gladly hold off the abusive snotbag while you place yourself in protective custody and get some counseling.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, Bella, please grow A FUCKIN’ BRAIN. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella plays Captain Obvious and mentions that she’s still alive, and Edward growls at her for it. I can practically taste the love here, guys.
“Bella,” he whispered. “Do you have any idea how close I came to crossing the line today? To breaking the treaty and coming after you? Do you know what that would have meant?”
Edward continues to patronize Bella for daring to see her friends, because hey, he’s Edward.
“I gasped and his eyes opened. They were as cold and hard as night.”
Bella seems to do an unusual amount of gasping in these books, don’t you think? Also, why is the description of Edward’s eyes needed? Is there some sort of quota of Edward eye description that Meyer needs to fill per chapter? (+1 Eye Rape)
They get into a little tiff about how Bella is stupid and Edward should stop trying to start fights and just accept this. She eventually crosses the room, hugs him, and apologizes.
“I’m sorry I made you anxious,” I muttered. He sighed, and relaxed a little. His arms wound around my waist.”
While it’s fine and dandy to apologize for pissing your boyfriend off, it’s another thing to NOT apologize to your girlfriend for tailgating her like a serial killer and frightening her so bad she’s trembling. (+1 Red Flag) No, you should just say sorry and excuse his actions. Way to send a positive message here, Stephenie. (+1 Stupidity)
They go back and forth for a while more. Edward ditched hunting to come back and protect Bella from the “dangerous” werewolves, ignoring the fact that now he’s thirsty and about 110% more likely to dismember Bella on the spot. (+1 Stupidity) But oh, wait – I forgot he can simply will himself not to. Silly me.
Edward then informs Bella that seeing friends is a big no-no, and this will not be happening again.
“This won’t happen again.” “That’s right! Because you’re not going to overreact next time.” “Because there isn’t going to be a next time.” “I understand when you have to leave, even if I don’t like it —” “That’s not the same. I’m not risking my life.” “Neither am I.” “Werewolves constitute a risk.” “I disagree.” “I’m not negotiating this, Bella.” “Neither am I.”
Bella has a flash of common sense, and asks if maybe, just maybe, Edward could be jealous.
“His eyes blazed. “This is only about you. All I care is that you’re safe.” The black fire in his eyes was impossible to doubt.
That thing about the eye description quota is sounding more and more real. (+1 Eye Rape) Edward then activates his common-sense detector, realizes he can’t win this fight, and ends it by insulting Bella again. (+1 Red Flag) Bella realizes this is about as close to an apology as she’s going to get, and accepts.
Some time passes, and we fast forward to next week when Bella is getting off work. Eddiekins has to go off to slaughter some endangered animals, so Bella is planning on defying him and sneaking down to La Push to see Jacob. Alice has shown up to give Bella a ride, since she’s apparently incapable of driving herself anywhere. (+1 Stupidity)
“All the boys went, and we’re having a slumber party!” she announced in a trilling, singsong voice. “A slumber party?” I repeated, the suspicion finally settling in.”
“You’re kidnapping me, aren’t you?” She laughed and nodded. “Till Saturday. Esme cleared it with Charlie; you’re staying with me two nights, and I will drive you to and from school tomorrow.”
This is just so sickening I could vomit. Don’t want your girlfriend to have a social life? Just have your sister kidnap her until you can enforce your rules again. Good God, I hate this book. (+1 Red Flag)
And all of the Cullens are just okay with this? None of them go, “hmm, maybe this is crossing the line?” Not even Carlisle, the so-called “compassionate” vamp, has a problem with his adopted son restricting his girlfriend from seeing her friends?!? (+1 Stupidity)
I hate the Cullens. I hate their stupid cars, their sparkly skin, and their dumb powers. At this point, I even hate their fucking house.
“Sorry,” Alice said, not sounding in the least bit penitent. “He paid me off.” “How?” I hissed through my teeth. “The Porsche. It’s exactly like the one I stole in Italy.” She sighed happily.”
Um, why did Alice need Edward to buy her the Porsche? I’m fairly sure that it’s mentioned somewhere that Alice plays the stock market and has oodles of cash just lying around her room, so why didn’t she just get the damn car herself? Oh, wait, she’s a woman. Whoops, silly me. (+1 Stupidity)
“Pretty over-the-top,” I grumbled, incredulous. “He gave you that just for two days of holding me hostage?” Alice made a face. A second later, comprehension came and I gasped in horror. “It’s for every time he’s gone, isn’t it?”
Yes, Edward has paid Alice off to lock Bella up every time he’s away. Holy fucking shit! (+1 Red Flag) My new guess is he’s not out hunting, but instead out building a cage out of precious metals for Bella’s “protection.”
“Alice, don’t you think this is just a little bit controlling? Just a tiny bit psychotic, maybe?” “Not really.” She sniffed. “You don’t seem to grasp how dangerous a young werewolf can be.”
And you don’t seem to grasp that the werewolves have in no way hurt her while your bf has already tried to eat her face off once. Why is Bella suddenly the smart one here?
But Bella drops the subject, because pedicures and Italian food ohemgee.
“It wasn’t so bad, except for the fact that I was being held against my will.”
Stockholm syndrome! Stockholm syndrome! Motherfucking Stockholm syndrome!
Bella asks to call Jacob so that she can cancel their plans on Saturday. I imagine their following conversation goes something like this:
Bella: Hey, Jake, guess I can’t come over after all. The Cullens are locking me in a padded room so I don’t do something dangerous.
Jacob: What? Jeez, Bella, that’s messed up. I’m coming to get you, okay?
Bella: No, don’t do that! I’m already prepping for the operation that will remove my eyes so I don’t see anything dangerous.
Jacob: I just –
Bella: Oh, and this might be the last time we talk for a while. Eddie-poo is planning on cutting out my tongue so I don’t taste anything dangerous, either. Are you opposed to learning sign language?
Jacob: Jesus Christ! That’s fucking wrong, Bells. I’m coming to get you right now.
Bella: Well, if you must. Oh, and bring some sleeveless shirts. I don’t have any arms now. Long story.
Thankfully, their conversation is shorter and lots less twisted.
“Hi, Bella,” Jacob said, suddenly cautious. “What’s up?” “Nothing good. I can’t come over Saturday after all.” It was silent for a minute. “Stupid bloodsucker,” he finally muttered. “I thought he was leaving. Can’t you have a life when he’s gone? Or does he lock you in a coffin?”
HA, I love Jacob. Bella tells him that he’s actually not that far off, and she is pretty much holed up in a crypt.
“He was silent as that sunk in, and then he growled. “We’ll come and get you,” he promised in a flat voice, slipping automatically into a plural.”
Bella freaks out at the thought of her precious Sparklepires having to deal with the wolves, and tells Jake that she’s going to sleep now, but she’ll call again soon if they let her. (+1 Red Flag) Jacob hangs up, probably hatching an elaborate plot to rescue Bella that involves jetpacks, heavy metal, and roundhouse kicks.
Bella then calls Edward to tell them that he’s in trouble, and when he gets back she is going to scream at him until she breaks into hysterical tears and needs him to comfort her. I can hardly wait. (+1 Stupidity)
She makes her way up the stairs to Edward’s room, and finds a giant bed taking up most of the room. Since it belongs to Edward, it deserves an immediate thesaurus rape treatment.
“It matched. The coverlet was a dull gold, just lighter than the walls; the frame was black, made of intricately patterned wrought iron. Sculpted metal roses wound in vines up the tall posts and formed a bowery lattice overhead. My pajamas were folded neatly on the foot of the bed, my bag of toiletries to one side.”
Yack. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Bella gets ready for bed and is about to sleep and whatnot when someone knocks on the door. She asks Alice what the hell she wants now, when Rosalie walks in. Rosalie? WTF? Wait a minute –
Holy shit, are we about to hear about a character’s backstory from the actual character?
Who is this author and what has she done with Meyer?!?!
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Eye Rape: +2
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +10
Thesaurus Rape: +10
Eye Rape: +3
Cream Count: +2
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +41 Wolfballs +2