Chapter 5: Imprint

Posted: May 15, 2012 in Eclipse
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What this chapter should be called: Let’s talk about feelings, Part 2

Edward creep-o-meter: 5


Expect another short review, because this chapter is just more talk about feelings and honestly could have been three pages stuck on the back of last chapter.

Bella and Jacob meander down the beach, Bella babbling non-stop to avoid a dreaded awkward silence. Eventually, she gets around to asking about Quil, which was a bit of a touchy subject last book. But everything’s okay now, and Quil is now a full-fledged werebearwolf.


“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. To my surprise, Jacob snorted. “Don’t say that to him .”


Turns out Quil is jazzed to be a werewolf. Finally, someone in this book who doesn’t mope about having superpowers! While Edward is bitching about telepathy and sparkling, Quil is already hollowing out a Wolf-Den under his garage and buying spandex. (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob elaborates that most of the Pack is really pretty happy about their powers.


“Honestly . . . most of them do,” Jacob admitted slowly. “There are definitely good sides to this — the speed, the freedom, the strength . . . the sense of — of family . . . . Sam and I are the only ones who ever felt really bitter. And Sam got past that a long time ago. So I’m the crybaby now.” Jacob laughed at himself.”


Bella asks what Sam’s deal is, anyway. Apparently, there is some sordid “Real Housewives” drama surrounding his family. Bella asks Jacob to tell her the story, because she is in no hurry to get back to Eddie dearest, being afraid of what he’ll say. Yikes. (+1 Red Flag)

Jake says that she could just stay, and then she would never go back to Edward. Bella flips her shit.


“That you two are so ready to kill each other!” I complained. “It makes me crazy. Why can’t you both just be civilized?”


Jacob asks if Edward really is ready to kill him. Bella vehemently denies this, forgetting that Edward has already threatened Jacob once. (+1 Stupidity) Oh, and here comes a real kicker.


“At least he can be a grown-up about this. He knows that hurting you would hurt me — and so he never would. You don’t seem to care about that at all!”


Yeah, Sparklepeen only forbade you to visit him, then disabled your truck when you tried to exercise your free will. He’s totally been extra-mature and civilized about this. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella walks off, and after a moment, Jacob apologizes and offers to tell her about Sam.

Sam had it tough, because he is the oldest and was therefore the first one to change into a werewolf. He was gone, wolfed out and running around the forest for about two weeks before he figured out how to change back. His mom and Leah Clearwater, his high school sweetheart (remember this) were all out looking for him. Bella is just shocked that Sam might have dated another girl before he met Emily.


“I supposed it was silly for me to imagine that Sam had never loved anyone before Emily. Most people fall in and out of love many times in their lives. It was just that I’d seen Sam with Emily, and I couldn’t imagine him with someone else. The way he looked at her . . . well, it reminded me of a look I’d seen sometimes in Edward’s eyes — when he was looking at me.”


God, how unimaginable is it that someone might have a girl/boyfriend before meeting their future spouse? Very rarely do people end up with their first girl/boyfriend. Why Bella is so shocked by this, I’m not quite sure. (+1 Stupidity)

Anyways, Sam eventually dewolfed himself and some of the older injuns figured out that Sam was a werewolf. There’s a break from the conversation here when Bella tells Jacob to grow up and he mentions that he can’t.


“You . . . can’t . . . grow up?” I said blankly. “You’re what? Not . . .aging ? Is that a joke?” “Nope.” He popped his lips on the P.


Tra la la, werewolves don’t age either. Bella is mega pissed at this, and throws a temper tantrum.


“Am I the only one who has to get old ? I get older every stinking day!” I nearly shrieked, throwing my hands in the air. Some little part of me recognized that I was throwing a Charlie-esque fit, but that rational part was greatly overshadowed by the irrational part. “Damnit! What kind of world is this? Where’s the justice ?”
“Take it easy, Bella.” “Shut up, Jacob. Just shut up! This is so unfair!”


Uh, I got over screaming that it was unfair and stamping my foot when I was 12. Why is she even taking this out on Jacob? It’s not his fault that her one twu wuv won’t turn her into one of the beautiful undead until she marries him. (+1 Bitch)

After Bella cools off, Jacob says that werewolves start aging again once they stop fursploding for a long enough period of time, but don’t worry, because he’s already physically older than her anyways. Wait, what?


“Not at all. Because we reach full growth inside of a few months when the werewolf gene gets triggered. It’s one hell of a growth spurt.” He made a face. “Physically, I’m probably twenty-five or something.”


HA! I was right! Werewolves do  age up after their first fursplosion so they can legally date the female protagonist! Ha!

Jacob finally gets to the twisted part of Sam’s story. Leah was really pissed at Sam, seeing as he was running around all furry and wolfed out behind her back, but they were working it out. Then, one weekend, Leah’s cousin Emily came down from the Makah reservation.


“I gasped. “Emily is Leah’s cousin?”


GASP! This is actually a pretty good twist. I did not see this coming. Why can’t the rest of the book be like this? Oh, right, because then it would be good.

The whole reason Sam went for Emily was because of something called imprinting. I am not going to like this.


“What way? Love at first sight?” I snickered. Jacob wasn’t smiling. His dark eyes were critical of my reaction. “It’s a little bit more powerful than that. More absolute.”


I find it ironic that Bella is laughing at this due to the fact that she fell head over heels for a guy she knew nothing about just because he was hot. (+1 Bitch)

So Sam imprinted on Emily, then slashed her face open on accident, and – oh, sweet Jesus, this is fucked up.


“Well, weirdly enough, that was sort of how they resolved things. Sam was so horrified, so sickened by himself, so full of hate for what he’d done. . . . He would have thrown himself under a bus if it would have made her feel better. He might have anyway, just to escape what he’d done. He was shattered. . . .
Then, somehow, she was the one comforting him, and after that. . . .”





Are there any relationships that aren’t completely dysfunctional in Meyerland?

This shit here is called Stockholm Syndrome. That is all. If I get into this “perfect” love between Emily and Sam, I might just – gah. Just read the wikipedia page. I have nothing else to say, I just –

wiuefbekjfb euitgnk2j4 t eiubgip  jergbiurb shr34ngelnv fgeu urbgieubrng irhgeoignn eirghelng erghu5ng iprgjh irwjg eirjgvkl fhiwi4 jshfdkidie jdjd jfjela kdhrb kdnbt dins dodje ilkwehfj joeij paiwe omnf osdm gotmd jsjaw ropj orij aderfgojwejr rhtgoehwnon dfjwof22

But, all in all this a huge fucking red flag. (+2 Red Flag)


“Poor Emily,” I whispered. “Poor Sam. Poor Leah. . . .”
“Yeah, Leah got the worst end of the stick,” he agreed. “She puts on a brave face. She’s going to be a bridesmaid.”


Yeah Leah got the worst of it except for Emily who got her fucking face torn open. (+1 Stupidity)

End of conversation. Bella asks if Jacob has imprinted, but Sam and some random furry named Jared are the only ones. Jacob tells Bella about how Jared imprinted, and we delve a little deeper into the mechanics of werewolf telepathy.


“It’s awful. No privacy, no secrets. Everything you’re ashamed of, laid out for everyone to see.” He shuddered.”


I’m sure there’s probably some religious metaphor here, but I find religion one of the topics that’s it’s best to steer clear of, so whatever.

I’m also kind of proud of Meyer for finally learning that not everything has to be picture-perfect. It’s nice to see someone have an actual problem in one of these books. (+1 Redemption)

Jacob asks if Bella feels like that when Eddiekins is rummaging through her thoughts, but Sparklepeen can’t hear her, which probably means there is something wrong with her head.


“I already knew there was something wrong with your brain,” Jacob muttered.”


Thank you, Jacob. From now on, would you like to be in charge of stating the obvious?

At this point, Meyer realizes she hasn’t talked to her good friend the thesaurus in awhile, and batters the poor thing beyond all mercy.


“The sun broke through the clouds suddenly, a surprise I hadn’t been expecting, and I had to narrow my eyes against the glare off the water. Everything changed color — the waves turned from gray to blue, the trees from dull olive to brilliant jade, and the rainbow-hued pebbles glittered like jewels.”


Gack. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella strings Jacob on a little more by leaning against his chest while she enjoys the sun. (+1 Bitch) 

They reminisce on that stupid movie back in New Moon and how funny Mike Newton looked when he was puking buckets. Fun stuff, right here. Bella then gets around to asking what Jacob thought about  that drove Eddie so nuts.


“I was just thinking about you. Didn’t like that much, did he?”


Bella flips out when she realizes that Jacob thought about Bella’s holey-time and used it to drive Edward out of his head. Bella decides it’s time to set Jake straight.


“See,” I explained. “I don’t care who’s a vampire and who’s a werewolf. That’s irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Bella.”


Why, thank you for clearing that up for us, Bella. I was really getting confused there. (+1 Stupidity)

And that’s it.

It’s not the fact that this chapter is short that irks me, it’s the total lack of substance. Ooh, yummy werewolf scandal. Why is this chapter even necessary? Gah. This is just plain frustrating.

And I still hate Bella.

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +6

Bitch: +3

Thesaurus Rape: +1

Red Flag: Wolfballs +2

Redemption: +1

Murmur: 2

Glower: 2


Book Count:

Stupidity: +77

Angst: +2

Bitch: +11

Thesaurus Rape: +9

Eye Rape: +1

Cream Count: +2

Red Flag: Sparklepeen +31 Wolfballs +2

Redemption: +2

Murmur: 15

Glower: 7

  1. sphadmins says:

    I woke up, went to my inbox, saw the e-mail saying up updated and died of happiness. You are a snarking goddess.

  2. loolypopgoop says:

    The was she’s like “he is Edward, and you are Jacob, and I am Bella” reminds me of the song Friday when it goes “today is Friday, and tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards”.

  3. AThousandLies says:

    loolypopgoop I totally thought the same thing!!!!!! I hate that song though…..ugh…..
    I was looking at the total count and I saw the amount of red flags, I thought “Wow, that is just going to skyrocket…..” Then the stupidity, and saw we were only five chapters in…..I love reading these, you make me laugh.

  4. sphadmins says:

    “See,” I explained. “I don’t care who’s a vampire and who’s a werewolf. That’s irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Bella.”

    Yes, Bella, and you are also the eggman and the walrus.

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