What this chapter should be called: Let’s talk about feelings, Part1
Edward creep-o-meter: 6
As you noticed, this chapter is called “Nature.” The first sentence of this chapter is “I was having a bad week.” You can probably figure out why I had a miniature heart attack. The last thing I need to read about is a hormonal Sue. I calmed myself down by remembering that this is a Twilight novel, and the chapter titles rarely have anything to do with the actual content.
Anyhow, this chapter review is probably going to be a short one, because nothing really happens. You’ll see.
We kick things off with Bella having the smarts to be scared that a murderous Sparklepire is after her. Of course, there are seven Cullens to one Victoria, so as long as she doesn’t do anything stupid, she’s probably going to be okay. But, ugh, I’m sick of Bella freaking out about Victoria and going on about being weak and tasty and helpless as a mere mortal. Actually, I’m kind of over this whole angsty plotline in general. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella tries to get on with life, the three weeks she has left before “The Big Change.” Which, Edward is being an ass about.
“That’s between you and Carlisle,” he’d said. “Of course, you know that I’m willing to make it between you and me at any time that you wish. You know my condition.” And he had smiled angelically. Ugh. I did know his condition. Edward had promised that he would change me himself whenever I wanted . . . just as long as I was married to him first.”
Edward Cullen, dicksnot supreme. (+1 Red Flag)
Bella is still waffling back and forth on this whole marriage thing, which we all know is kind of idiotic. Why is someone so willing to become one of the pale undead for all eternity afraid of marriage? Nobody knows. (+1 Stupidity)
We get to the weekend, and Bella insists that Edward goes hunting, which he has been neglecting to do. Um, maybe you shouldn’t do that, Eddie; otherwise, y’know, you might end up eating your girlfriend. (+1 Stupidity)
“I would never admit to him how hard it was for me when he was gone — how it brought back the abandonment nightmares.”
And now, Meyer has insulted anyone with actual abandonment issues. Going through a rough breakup does not constitute abandonment. (+1 Angst) Getting left in the mall by your deadbeat dad so he didn’t have to pay child support, then finally getting home to find your hooker mom has run off and sold your house for drug money? That’s abandonment. (+1 Stupidity)
Edward goes off to slaughter some endangered animals, but not before leaving a cheesy note on Bella’s pillow.
“I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you.”
“Look after my heart, I left it with you?” Wasn’t that exact line said in the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie? (It was just as terrible there as it is here.) Someone needs to sue. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella does some typical housewife stuff, and somehow ends up arranging the magnets on the fridge, leading in to the most blatant symbolism I have ever read.
“Their polarities were reversed; every time I tried to line the last one up, the other jumped out of place. For some reason — impending mania, perhaps — this really irritated me. Why couldn’t they just play nice? Stupid with stubbornness, I kept shoving them together as if I was expecting them to suddenly give up. I could have flipped one over, but that felt like losing. Finally, exasperated at myself more than the magnets, I pulled them from the fridge and held them together with two hands. It took a little effort — they were strong enough to put up a fight — but I forced them to coexist side-by-side. “See,” I said out loud — talking to inanimate objects, never a good sign — “That’s not so horrible, is it?”
No, I’m not kidding. This is actually in the book. Why didn’t Meyer write “the magnets were like Edward and Jacob” and just be done with it? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Bella heads over to work. I am so confused about Bella’s work schedule, btw. Does she only work on Saturdays, or just whenever it’s convenient for plot? (+1 Stupidity)
She shows up, and Mrs. Newton is telling Mike there’s no way in hell he’s going to Seattle with Tyler because the vampire someone is still murdering people. Mrs. Newton also tells Bella she may as well GTFO because it’s going to be a real slow day. Oh, but could you throw all these flyers in the dumpster on your way out?
“I clutched the papers in both hands as I stared at the picture beneath the caption. A lump rose in my throat. SAVE THE OLYMPIC WOLF.”
Um, Meyer, sweety, Olympic wolves don’t really need saving at this point, because there are none left. Plot chasm! (+1 Stupidity)
And suddenly, Bella grows a spine.
“And then I was running to my truck, the flyers still locked in my grip. Fifteen minutes — that’s all I had. But it should be long enough. It was only fifteen minutes to La Push, and surely I would cross the boundary line a few minutes before I hit the town.”
She frets a little about how angry Edward is going to be when he gets back, but really, who gives a fuck? She guns her truck down the road, parks in front of the Black’s house, and Jacob goes nearly catatonic with excitement. They jump around and hug and are happy, then they meander down the beach to talk about feelings.
For the last time, I’m not kidding.
“He struggled for the words. He took a deep breath and tried again. “What I’m asking is . . . everything is just back to the way it was before he left? You forgave him for all of that?” I took a deep breath. “There was nothing to forgive.”
Bella leaps up to defend her Eddie-poo. Doesn’t she remember the four months of crippling depression and the holesssssss? I sure do, unfortunately. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella relays what went down in Italy, revealing that Alice can’t see the werewolves. Jake is pretty happy with this, understandably. Then Jacob tells Bella about the whole Victoria deal. Nothing interesting is said.
They talk some more, and Jacob mentions that Sam really hates Bella now. Apparently, he thought she would now hate the Cullens as much as he does.
“He thought you were the one person in the world with as much reason to hate the Cullens as he does. Sam feels sort of . . . betrayed that you would just let them back into your life like they never hurt you.”
Bella starts to tell Sam to shove it up his ass, when Jacob points out an eagle eating a fish, which he finds much more interesting. (I agree.)
Jacob makes the valid point that you never see the fish trying to plant a kiss on the eagle, so what is it that makes Edward so attractive?
“I love him . Not because he’s beautiful or because he’s rich !” I spat the word at Jacob. “I’d much rather he weren’t either one. It would even out the gap between us just a little bit — because he’d still be the most loving and unselfish and brilliant and decent person I’ve ever met. Of course I love him. How hard is that to understand?”
It’s fucking impossible to understand, especially considering that there are virtually no actions that back up what Bella’s saying. It’s not Edward’s great personality she’s constantly praising, after all. I’ll let the rich thing slide, that’s never really touched on, but for all I, the reader, know, Bella loves Edward because he’s hot. (+1 Stupidity)
Jacob says that maybe, you should just stay in your own species. Bella says Jake isn’t human, Jake says he is, yadda yadda yadda. Bella has the decency to feel bad that Jacob is hurting because of her.
“Jacob had become a part of me, and there was no changing that now.”
I am so freaking bored right now.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +1
Thesaurus Rape: +8
Eye Rape: +1
Cream Count: +2
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +31