What this chapter should be called: Introducing Jacob 2.0
Edward creep-o-meter: 7
The chapter starts off with Bella and Edward coming back from Jacksonville. Uh, what? I actually had to double-check that I wasn’t missing something here. Turns out, Meyer just learned how to skip unimportant things. Cookie to her. (+1 Redemption)
The only thing that makes this slightly less impressive is the fact that skipping this allowed Meyer to conveniently gloss over how Edward managed to avoid sparkling like an anime magical girl while in Florida. (+1 Stupidity)
Hell, how did he manage to avoid going out in the sun, all day, while on vacation while visiting his girlfriend’s mother?
Maybe it’s just me, but my mom would have dragged that boy out with us. Then, I would have gotten some odd looks when he started sparkling. (+1 Stupidity)
Moving onward! The chaper opens up with a good, healthy thesaurus rape. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
“The sun was so deeply buried behind the clouds there was no way to tell if it had set or not. After the long flight — chasing the sun westward so that it seemed unmoving in the sky — it was especially disorienting; time seemed oddly variable. It took me by surprise when the forest gave way to the first buildings, signaling that we were nearly home.”
How did Edward manage to avoid sparkling it up on the plane, too? On most longer flights (I’m assuming it was a direct flight because of Emmett’s uncanny talent to exploit Expedia and whatnot) planes will actually fly above cloud level. (+1 Stupidity)
They talk about how “insightful” Bella’s mother is. Oh, Jesus. Was this whole trip just another way to let us know how amazing Bedward’s relationship is?
Oh, and Phil now coaches high school baseball, btw. I thought he was a baseball player? I don’t even know. (+1 Stupidity)
Whatever. Turns out, Bella’s mom caught on to the fact that Bedward are “serious.” No, really. Renee noticed that he is just so protective of her.
“There’s something . . . strange about the way you two are together,” she murmured, her forehead creasing over her troubled eyes. “The way he watches you — it’s so . . . protective. Like he’s about to throw himself in front of a bullet to save you or something.”
Yes, I totally get that vibe too, especially when he’s doing things like taking apart her truck so she can’t go anywhere and telling her what friends she can and can’t have. (+1 Stupidity)
They are just so intense that Bella moves around Edward like a satellite.
“The way you move — you orient yourself around him without even thinking about it. When he moves, even a little bit, you adjust your position at the same time. Like magnets . . . or gravity. You’re like a . . . satellite, or something. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Yes, the whole trip to Florida was just a giant way to remind us that Edward and Bella are perfect and special. Good Lord. (+1 Stupidity)
Thankfully, we fast-forward to when Bella gets home. Charlie has waited up for Bella. How nice of him, don’t you think? Of course, Bella doesn’t.
“I sighed. Of course Charlie was waiting to pounce.”
God forgive him for missing his own daughter. (+1 Bitch)
Edward is all tense and stuff, for a reason that’s not really clear. Then Charlie mentions that Jacob has been calling nonstop ever since Bella left. Once again, why does no one in this book seem to have a cell phone? (+1 Stupidity)
“I didn’t have to look at Edward to feel that he was too still, too cold beside me. So this was the cause of his tension.”
The phone rings just then, and Bella goes to get it. It’s Jacob, obviously.
“You’re back,” Jacob said. His familiar husky voice sent a wave of wistfulness through me. A thousand memories spun in my head, tangling together — a rocky beach strewn with driftwood trees, a garage made of plastic sheds, warm sodas in a paper bag, a tiny room with one too-small shabby loveseat. The laughter in his deep-set black eyes, the feverish heat of his big hand around mine, the flash of his white teeth against his dark skin, his face stretching into the wide smile that had always been like a key to a secret door where only kindred spirits could enter. ”
Ugh, Stephenie. Once again, you feel the need to continually explain away all of Bella’s feelings for us. Stop figuratively pieing me. Believe me, I get the point. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
“It felt sort of like homesickness, this longing for the place and person who had sheltered me through my darkest night.”
Well, ‘aint that sweet! She misses her emotional crutch that she continually lied to and led on. Awwww! (+1 Bitch)
Jacob asks why Bella hasn’t called, which is kind of dickish. Isn’t he the one who said they couldn’t be friends? Whatever. He continues on to ask her if she’s going to be at school tomorrow, to which she says yes. Bella asks why he called, and Jacob says that he just wanted to hear her voice, which is kind of sweet. Then he hangs up. Okay.
Bella starts to cook dinner while she worries, combining the only two things she’s really good for. She tries thinking logically about it, which is a major first for this book.
“What could have changed in the past three days that was so important that Jacob would break his long streak of refusing to answer my phone calls and contact me? What difference could three days make?”
I can practically hear the little hamster wheels squeaking. Then, suddenly –
“I froze in the middle of the kitchen. The package of icy hamburger in my hands slipped through my numb fingers.”
Bella seems to have an awfully flimsy grip on reality, doesn’t she? Anyways, she freezes up and lets Edward take care of her, just like she always does.
And also, Bella has very unrealistic reactions to things. A normal person might be slightly shocked, but have no extreme physical reaction. I would probably employ a few choice words and get on with life. I think Meyer’s characters have the most extreme reactions to the smallest things to conceal the fact that they have no personalities. Think of it as the literary equivalent of overacting. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella finally gets to the freaking point and tells us all that there was a crazy misunderstanding, and Jacob must have though that Bella was taking three days off for “The big change.” I’m not sure why Bella is so shocked about this. It’s not like she’s bothered to keep the whole drama a secret or anything. (+1 Stupidity)
Nothing else eventful happens, so we skip ahead to school the next morning.
At this point, I’d like to take a minute to talk about the possible need for a high school setting. The subject came up with myself and Tacomagic while we were discussing the fact that most Sues/Stus seem to crop up in a high school setting, when he brought up a very valid point:
“There is a certain mentality here that seems to think that, “Look! This guy is more awesome than these high school students,” is more impressive a claim that it actually is.”
This certainly seems to apply to the Twilight Saga, doesn’t it? Most high school students (in my experience) are lazy procrastinators. (I’m actually writing this in my Spanish class. Awkwaaaaard.) So, saying that (for example) Edward is way more awesome than the average high school student really isn’t saying a whole lot, despite what Meyer seems to think. (+1 Stupidity)
But I digress. Edward is driving them to school, as usual, when suddenly he gets all tense and shit. He asks Bella to do something.
“I want you to stay in the car.” He pulled into his usual spot and turned the engine off as he spoke. “I want you to wait here until I come back for you.” “But . . .why ?”
Edward McDickbreath wants Bella to stay in the car because Jacob has popped up at Bella’s school unannounced, and God forbid she have contact with anyone Edward deems unfit. (+1 Red Flag) Ignoring that, this is awesome! Jacob! Oh, how I’ve missed you.
And, shocker of all shockers, Bella was wrong about why Jacob asked if she was going to school tomorrow, but Edward was right. Bet you didn’t see that one coming. (+1 Stupidity)
“You jumped to the wrong conclusion last night,” Edward murmured. “He asked about school because he knew that I would be where you were. He was looking for a safe place to talk to me. A place with witnesses.”
Yes, because where better to lose control of your temper and explode into a giant Furby than a school that’s packed with innocent bystanders? (+1 Stupidity) Besides, why does Jake even need to talk to Edward?
Edward momentarily bitches because Bella refuses on staying in the car, (+1 Red Flag) but gets over it and goes to talk with Jacob. Oh, and to rub a little salt in the wounds, Bella goes over there hanging all over Edward like a jungle gym. (+1 Bitch) Bella also notes her classmates are having a strange reaction to Jacob’s presence, most likely because they’ve noticed that he’s a total fucking badass.
“I noticed how their eyes widened as they took in all six foot seven inches of Jacob’s long body, muscled up the way no normal sixteen-and-a-half-year-old ever had been. I saw those eyes rake over his tight black t-shirt — short-sleeved, though the day was unseasonably cool — his ragged, grease-smeared jeans, and the glossy black bike he leaned against. Their eyes didn’t linger on his face — something about his expression had them glancing quickly away. And I noticed the wide berth everyone gave him, the bubble of space that no one dared to encroach on. With a sense of astonishment, I realized that Jacob looked dangerous to them. How odd.”
Going on Bella’s description, Meyer should probably switch out the word “odd” for “awesome.”
Once they get close, Edward shoves Bella behind him, because he doesn’t want Jacob to hurt her. If you’ve been with me this far, you know that Edward has hurt Bella far more than Jacob has, and therefore this is bullshit. (+1 Stupidity)
Edward is all pissed at Jake, because, Jesus, he could have just called. Right, with that number he doesn’t know.
“Sorry,” Jacob answered, his face twisting into a sneer. “I don’t have any leeches on my speed dial.”
Aw, snap! Jacob: 1, Edward: 0. Edward tries to be all civil and shit, because he is such a gentleman, you know? Why doesn’t Jacob just swing by Casa de Cullen later?
“Sure, sure. I’ll stop by your crypt after school.” Jacob snorted. “What’s wrong with now?”
Bazinga! Edward is really getting his ass handed to him, huh? Jacob: 2, Edward: 0. Edward then invades Jacob’s privacy, and tells him “message delivered, consider us warned and shove it up your ass.” (Okay, I made that last part up.) Bella realizes that she’s in the dark on something here, finally. It’s only taken her 2 books. (+1 Stupidity)
“You didn’t tell her?” Jacob asked, his eyes widening with disbelief. “What, were you afraid she’d take our side?” “Please drop it, Jacob,” Edward said in an even voice. “Why?” Jacob challenged. I frowned in confusion. “What don’t I know? Edward?”
Jacob says that Emmett and Fluffy (Paul) got into a little tiff on the fuckin’ Indian border a few nights ago. Oh, no he di-in’t! Bella loses her shit at the thought of a fight, and nearly passes out then and there. Could this girl’s spine be any more flaccid? (+1 Stupidity)
Eddie tells Jake to GTFO while looking “like a vampire.” No, really. Meyerpires are so flamboyantly un-vampirelike, it’s a noteworthy occurrence when they resemble true bloodsuckers. (+1 Stupidity)
While Jacob and Edward give each other cutesy nicknames, like “mongrel” and “leech,” Bella is nearly pissing herself, having deduced that:
1. Edward was keeping something from her.
2. Jacob wouldn’t have kept this from her.
3. Alice saw something in her vision that Edward lied about.
4. Whatever Alice saw was so pants-shittingly terrifying that Edward flew Bella halfway across the country.
5. All this must mean Victoria is looking for Bella again.
6. Vampires are so dreamy.
I think this boils down to about (+1 Red Flag).
Edward is now mega-pissed at Jacob, because he told her something relating to the world around her. Edward’s reasoning is that Bella didn’t need to be unnecessarily frightened, since we all know that this is the girl who wakes up screaming after dreams about trees.
“Edward kept his voice muted; even Tyler, edging forward by inches, would be unable to hear. “Why should she be frightened when she was never in danger?” “Better frightened than lied to.”
Yeah, Jacob! I don’t think Meyer realizes this, but Jacob really calls to attention everything that’s wrong with Bella and Edward’s relationship, mostly the lying and controlling on Edward’s part. Jacob would rather tell Bella the truth than keep her in the dark, unlike Edward, which I think says a lot about both of them. Jacob: 3, Edward: 0.
Bella: *drives up to house* Oh, God, my house is on fire!
Edward: No, no, my little lamb, that’s – uh, that’s just some pretty orange wind. Say, how would you like to go to Disneyworld?
Jacob: Bella, what the fuck? Your house is burning down!
Bella: Jesus, Jake. It’s just some wind. Take care of Charlie while I’m on Big Thunder Mountain, mkay?
Jacob decides it’s time to boot Eddie out of his head, so he thinks about what Bella was like when she was still suffering from that chest-hole thing, which seems to do the trick. Bella yells at Jake to stop whatever it his he’s doing, and he says that it’s Edward’s own damn fault if doesn’t like what Jacob remembers. Finally, some more common sense in this book. Jacob: 4, Edward: 0.
Guys, I seriously like this new “asshole” Jacob. It’s about time someone smacked Eddie around a little.
Edward clues everyone in that the principal is on his way to kick Jacob’s ass to the curb. Uh, right. Maybe my school is just strange, but I rarely see my school’s principal anywhere on campus. More likely a teacher or classified staff member would tell Jacob to GTFO. (+1 Stupidity) Edward tries to hustle Bella off to class.
“Overprotective, isn’t he?” Jacob said, talking just to me. “A little trouble makes life fun. Let me guess, you’re not allowed to have fun, are you?”
And now I like Jacob even more.
“Shut up, Jake,” I said. Jacob laughed. “That sounds like a no.”
I think Meyer is trying to keep reminding us that Bedward’s love is perfect by making Jacob all douchey. But really, Jacob 2.0 is only an ass if you like Bella and Edward.
There’s some extremely forced “character development” that leaves me wiping figurative pie off my face. The principal finally shows up to shoo everyone off, threatening to get Jacob arrested if he trespasses again. WTF is Meyer on? Having a minor who doesn’t attend a school on said school’s property isn’t exactly trespassing. There are kids who show up at my school when class has ended/hasn’t started all the time, to talk to old friends and such, and I don’t see any of them getting arrested. (+1 Stupidity)
After this, Edward yanks Bella along, god forbid she walk anywhere unassisted. (+1 Red Flag)
“Do you feel well enough to go to class?” he whispered when we were past the principal.”
What kind of dumb question is this? So far, nothing has happened that could negatively affect Bella’s physical health. (+1 Stupidity) Then again, being me, I read this in a condescending tone, so it wouldn’t shock me if Discoballs asked this all the time.
“Bella, do you feel well enough to eat some spaghetti?”
“Bella, dear, do you feel well enough to walk on your own?”
“Lamby, do you feel well enough to think sad thoughts?”
They get to class, and like the exemplary students they are, begin passing notes. Bella writes first, asking Edward WTF is going on.
“I shoved the note at Edward. He sighed, and then began writing. It took him less time than me, though he wrote an entire paragraph in his own personal calligraphy before he slipped the paper back.”
How is this sentence even deemed necessary? Why is it even in there? What in the world is it even talking about? Is its sole purpose just do describe Edward’s Stu-like handwriting? What ever happened to “I shoved the note at Edward. He sighed, and wrote back quickly.”? That’s certainly shorter. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Edward reiterates the whole “well your boring archenemy is back to try to kill you and also we hate werewolves” debacle. Hmmm. Bella tells him that Florida was a bad idea, because then Vickie might have gone after Charlie. Edward should have let her go alone.
“I wasn’t about to send you off alone. With your luck, not even the black box would survive.”
Does anyone else feel like Edward is just laying the foundation for his abuse? Spread the word that she has terrible luck, so that when something does happen, he can just go, “Oh, she made friends with a werewolf and he beat the snot out of her. Also, she fell. What horrible luck.”
They pass notes back and forth, figuring out what Edward would do if the plane had crashed, which basically boils down to “save you and let everyone else die.” What a great guy. (+1 Red Flag)
Later, Bella goes to Calculus, her one class without Edward – wait, what? Edward has all the office staff wrapped around his little finger, and yet (probably for ridiculous plot convenience) he has one class without Bella? I call shenanigans. (+1 Stupidity)
A bunch of guys are betting on who would win a fight between Sparklepeen and Wolfballs. Mike puts money on Jacob. So would I, considering that Jacob has already participated in the killing of one vampire, while the most threatening thing Edward has done is play a lullaby. Smart move, Mike.
Uh, the end.
Thesaurus Rape: +3
Red Flag: +5
Thesaurus Rape: +7
Eye Rape: +1
Cream Count: +2
Red Flag: Sparklepeen+30