Now that I have ended the tumultuous journey that was New Moon, it’s time for the handy-dandy recap.
After Jasper tries to kill Bella because she was stupid enough to give herself a papercut, Edward wises up and gets the hell out of the book. Bella then falls into a state of deep depression, because she is that unabashedly codependent. After four months where Bella is, for all intents and purposes, dead to us, she enlists Jacob Black as her new emotional crutch, and manipulates him into teaching her to ride motorcycles so that she can hallucinate Edward’s voice. Jacob eventually outs himself as a werewolf to Bella, who has a problem with this, even though she was A-okay with a vampire who wanted to kill her. The plot shows up in the form of Bella trying to commit suicide, (because her life was just that miserable) and Alice returns to whisk Bella off to Italy to stop the vampire mafia, the Volturi, from killing Edward. Turns out, the Volturi are actually pretty lame, and the whole terrific gang goes home and everything is back to normal with no complications whatsoever.
Bella Swan: Bella is just as excruciatingly boring and Sue-like as she was last book, only this time the angst was layered on double, complete with a metaphorical chest wound.
Appointed Nickname: Bella “The Tragedy” Swan
Edward Cullen: Even though Sparkles was absent for most of the novel, I still hate him with the passion of a billion fiery suns.
Appointed Nickname: Edward “The Disco Ball” Cullen
Jacob Black: The nice werewolf dude who didn’t have the sense to let Bella drown. Alas, Jacob. I can only dream that the next book is about a series of zany adventures involving you, Emmett, and Tyler’s van, a la a buddy-cop comedy. Seriously, I can’t think of a word to say against this kid. He was simply a poor guy who had the misfortune of knowing “The Tragedy.”
Appointed Nickname: Jacob “The Most Interesting Man in the World” Black
Alice Cullen: Sparklefairy who can predict the future, but only when it’s convenient to the plot. Also a potential lesbian, but more on that later
Appointed nickname: Alice “Plot Device” Cullen
Clan Cullen: None of the other individual Cullens had enough facetime in this book to warrant a separate blurb. (Which is a shame, in Emmett’s case.) At the end of the day, they’re just a bunch of Sparklefairies who seem oddly helpful when it comes to enabling Edward’s destructive behavior.
Laurent: one of the evil three from the last book, Laurent caught on to the fact that if he ate Bella, there wouldn’t be another book. Sadly, he got his face eaten off by the werewolves.
Appointed Nickname: Laurent “…..oh, I got nothin’.”
Victoria: Ostensibly one of the main antagonists in the book, but who has yet to have an individual scene. Fuck, she’s never even said anything.
Appointed Nickname: Victoria “The Useless Villainess”
The Volturi: The “bad” vampires, who are in no way scary but hover somewhere in the area between lame and creepy. They are composed of three main fairies (Aro, Marcus, and Caius) , then a guard of about 10-ish or so. All you need to know is that Aro is just gay as a jaybird, Caius seems to hover around being useless, and Marcus has a Magic Relationship Radar. *snerk*
Werewolves and Friends:
Sam Uley: Pack Alpha, and yet another character who didn’t have the good sense to just let Bella die. Thanks, Sam.
Appointed Nickname: Sam “The Scientologist” Uley
Quil and Embry, Jacob’s two BFFs. Named such because it was virtually impossible to tell them apart for a good chunk of the book.
Appointed Nickname: Well, the Quilbry kinda was their nickname…
Paul: One of the only people in this book who realized that letting Bella in on ALL THE SECRETS is a really dumb idea. He really needs to start a club with Jasper, Tyler’s van, and Victoria, doesn’t he?
Appointed Nickname: Paul “The Mauler”
The Pack: The rest of the pack, as with the Cullens, didn’t get nearly enough screentime to deserve their own entry. Sorry, Jared.
Emily: Sam’s fiancée, who taught us the valuable lesson that if your man tears your face off, it’s only because he loves you.
Appointed Nickname: Emily “The Werewolf Housewife” (Another great name for an indie band, by the way.)
The Good: Edward’s absence and Jacob’s presence, by far. Jacob is much more likeable than Eddiekins ever was, and Jacob’s not abusive or controlling, either, so that’s a plus. The Volturi were blandly amusing, and they could have been positively frightening if it wasn’t for the presence of someone *coughMarcuscough* with a Magical Relationship Radar. There was also a sliver more plot in this book than there was in Twilight, so a cookie to Meyer.
The Bad: The majority of this book was full of NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. Sandwiched somewhere in the middle of the pages of nothing was about 100 pages of good story, which is unbelievably disappointing. There were still buttloads of inaccuracies and failure to correctly use Google, which is downright infuriating. The plot, while virtually nonexistent, still stumbled drunkenly into the bar when it was most convenient, downed a few shots, stumbled out and was promptly hit by a truck.
The Ugly: Everything that happened after Alice showed up was a total fuckshoot. AND THE HOLE TALK, OH MY GOD. Most of the aforementioned pages of nothing consisted of descriptions of the metaphorical hole in Bella’s chest, which was un-fucking-believably annoying. Some parts were unbelievably silly (“This is about my soul, isn’t it?) and others are downright idiotic. For the majority of the book, Bella is a whiny, stupid kid who needs to grow a backbone and stop moaning about how terrible her life is.
Better or Worse Than Twilight?:
Hard to say, honestly. There were bright spots in New Moon that Twilight couldn’t possibly live up to, but there were also those unbelievably stupid, idiotic parts of New Moon that make me want Twilight back. In the long run, I would say that New Moon is no better and no worse than Twilight was.
Prediction for the next book:
The next book will revolve around the major plot point of Bella’s choice between humanity and the supernatural. First she is transformed into a vampire, but soon realizes that blood so isn’t her thing. Then she turns herself into a werewolf, but in a shocking twist of fate, turns out to be allergic to dog hair. Bella turns herself into a ghost, mermaid, unicorn, goblin, chupacabra, fairy, loch ness monster, bigfoot, and a T-850 before finally settling down as a grizzled old gypsy fortuneteller.
Neither Jacob or Edward notice any of this because they’re too busy duking it out over the rights to Edward’s nutsack. Jacob convincingly argues since Edward’s somehow alive sperm will produce his future soulmate (more on that later), Edward needs to get it on with Bella as soon as possible. Sadly, Edward isn’t nearly as turned on by an old gypsy woman as he is a high school girl, and in a fit of common sense, makes his escape by tearing his way out of the book, exiting through page 194, a la Pinkie Pie.
Bella whines about the hole in her chest for the next three hundred pages, then gets so sad she just falls over and dies. Jacob channels his anger into training himself as a vampire slayer. He teams up with Emmett, and they ride off into the sunset to start a detective agency in LA that specializes in the supernatural.
Oh, lovely Eclipse! Remember to keep getting those guesses in for the murmur/glower contest. You have about four or so weeks to get your guesses in before I stop accepting any more.
Two books down, two to go.
Final Book Count:
Thesaurus Rape: +52
Eye Rape: +2
Cream Count: +7
Red Flag: Sparklepeen- +38 Wolfballs- +2