What this chapter should be called: Yay abuse!
Bella like-o-meter: 1
This chapter just really made me realize how much I’ve missed Edward.
We start off with a lame dream sequence that rapes the poor thesaurus beyond all mercy. You really need to read all of this to comprehend the full effect.
“I had the sense that I’d been asleep for a very long time—my body was stiff, like I hadn’t moved once through all that time, either. My mind was dazed and slow; strange, colorful dreams—dreams and nightmares—swirled dizzily around the inside of my head. They were so vivid. The horrible and the heavenly, all mixed together into a bizarre jumble. There was sharp impatience and fear, both part of that frustrating dream where your feet can’t move fast enough… And there were plenty of monsters, red-eyed fiends that were all the more ghastly for their genteel civility.”
Ugh. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Bella wakes up and immediately freaks out because Edward is there. She’s convinced that she’s hallucinating, and that she’s finally gone insane enough to hallucinate about Edward 24/7. Or maybe she’s died and they’re both in Heaven. I really don’t know.
Bella eventually realizes that she is indeed alive. She ruminates on how gorgeous Edward is. She finally has the sense to ask how long she’s been asleep.
“I’m not tired anymore.” It was all coming clear now. “What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?” ”It’s just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours.”
Uhhh, lolwut? Didn’t they touch down in Seattle during early morning? (Even though we know that’s complete bullshit, we’ll go with it. So they were probably back in Forks by 9 AM, and is Bella went and slept for 14 hours, it would be… about 11 PM. Okay. Meyerlogic FTW! (+1 Stupidity)
So how did the Cullens manage to avoid sparkling it up at SeaTac? Right, I’m sure it was cloudy because as everyone knows it is always cloudy in Washington. (+1 Stupidity) I am again amazed at this family’s ability to find the perfect plane tickets at the absolute last minute. A mortal would have taken more than a day or two in total travel time to get back. Not the Cullens! They are simply too good for layovers. (+1 Stupidity)
Edward lets it drop that Charlie has banned him from coming in the house, so he just broke in anyways. (+1 Red Flag) Anyways, this is probably the smartest thing Charlie’s done in 400 pages. Bella, of course, is furious. How dare he act like her father! (+1 Bitch)
“Charlie banned you from the house?” I asked, disbelief quickly melting into fury. His eyes were sad. “Did you expect anything else?” My eyes were mad. I was going to have a few words with my father—perhaps it would be a good time to remind him that I was over the legal age of adulthood.”
You are in age an adult, sweetheart, but until you move out and get a place of your own, you will abide by your father’s rules. Bitch. (+1 Bitch)
Bella asks what her excuse is for disappearing this time.
“What am I telling Charlie? What’s my excuse for disappearing for… how long was I gone, anyway?” I tried to count the hours in my head. “Just three days.” His eyes tightened, but he smiled more naturally this time. “Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I’ve got nothing.”
BTW, I did the math, she was only gone two days. (+1 Stupidity) But you know, whatever. I’d still get a restraining order.
Also, Edward hasn’t even bothered to fabricate some flimsy cover story to explain why Bella disappeared for two whole days. No, he’s just going to throw Bella under the bus on this one. Considering that this whole thing is kind of his fault, that’s a real jerk move. (+1 Red Flag)
“And I was comforted. Who cared what I had to deal with later? Every second that he was here—so close, his flawless face glowing in the dim light from the numbers on my alarm clock—was precious and not to be wasted.”
Yeah, who gives a damn about the pesky future? They make small talk, because, y’know, that’s the best thing to do right after you’ve rescued your ex from committing suicide. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella has the sense to ask WTF Eddie’s been up to while he’s been AWOL. There’s then this whole long cheesy apology on Edward’s part.
“I—” He took a deep breath. “I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know,”—the words began to flow so fast, the way I remembered he spoke sometimes when he was agitated, that I really had to concentrate to catch them all—”that I had no idea. I didn’t realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria,”—his lips curled back when he said the name—”would come back. I’ll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James’s thoughts.”
As much as I appreciate that Edward is owning up to the fact that he’s a douchebag, his reasoning behind this whole thing is kind of, well, twisted.
“When I heard what you told Alice—what she saw herself—when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself—he shuddered and the gush of words halted for a short second.”
In short, Edward is upset that Bella went and got new friends when he dumped her. Oookay. (+1 Red Flag) It’s also really nice how he completely insults them in front of her. This boy’s a real winner. (+1 Red Flag)
Sadly, this is probably the most sincere thing that Edward’s ever done in this series so far.
Also, Edward feels really, really bad about that whole dumping Bella thing. Bella launches into a lecture about how Edward shouldn’t let his guilt at not loving her anymore run his life. Obviously, it was guilt at this stupid mortal girl killing herself that led him to the Volturi begging to be killed, obviously.
“Isabella Marie Swan,” he whispered, the strangest expression crossing his face. He almost looked mad. “Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?”
Edward asks, in a strangely patronizing sort of way, (because this is Edward we’re talking about) if Bella really thinks he did all of that just because he felt guilty.
“But I still don’t understand,” I said. “That’s my whole point. So what?” “Excuse me?” ”So what if I was dead?”
That’s what I’m saying! (+1 Stupidity)
“He stared at me dubiously for a long moment before answering. “Don’t you remember anything I told you before?”
Edward takes the moment to insult her again. (+1 Red Flag) And, uh, yeah. I totally remember the 400+ pages of hole-talk. That is not the sort of thing you up and forget.
“He stared deep into my eyes with his sincere, earnest gaze. “I’m a good liar, Bella, I have to be.”
For the love of God, Meyer, do not describe a character as “sincere” and “earnest,” then have him claim that he’s a great liar. DOES NOT COMPUTE. (+1 Stupidity)
Edward admits that he was really just lying. SHOCKER! Bella wasn’t going to let go, and he would obviously never be rid of her, and she’d obviously never understand that he was leaving her to protect her. So, he had to tell her he didn’t love her anymore to get her to stay. Of course. (+1 Stupidity)
Then, things get…messed up. About as messed up as only Edward can make it.
“I lied, and I’m so sorry—sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn’t protect you from what I an. I lied to save you, and it didn’t work. I’m sorry. “But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I’ve told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?”
That’s right. He apologizes for hurting her, and then, in the very next paragraph, attempts to make her feel guilty for believing him when he lied. Don’t you understand, Bella? This really is all your fault. (+1 Red Flag)
God, Edward, how I’ve missed you.
He shakes her so hard that her “teeth rattle”, which is totes not abusive at all. (+1 Red Flag)
“Bella,” he sighed. “Really, what were you thinking!”
Bella starts to bawl.
Good Lord, the Twitards were right! This really is the sweetest, most eternal kind of love! What am I going to do with my life, now that Edward has returned from self-imposed exile–an exile which sent Bella spinning off into a spiral of inadvertent suicide attempts, self-destruction and catatonic depression–he returns from this which has caused his love untold torment, and blames it all on her?!!?
I will never find true love like this! (+1 Stupidity)
Bella acts stupid and insecure, and Edward forcefully kisses her. Yack.
Uh, they talk about love, and kiss some. Let’s see… He’s never leaving again, he promises… Bella wonders what will happen next time she spills a single drop of blood in front of Jasper… uh, apparently Edward was super-depressed too… Victoria lost Edward somewhere in Brazil before going back to Forks… yes, you are correct. Despite the fact that she is the supposed villainess of this book, she never has a single scene or even a line. So Victoria, ostensibly the villain of the series, doesn’t even say anything for the first two books. What a waste of time. (+1 Stupidity)
Actually, the whole idea of “plot” in this book just confuses me. It’s like, after 400 plus pages of nothingness, the plot arrives late to the party, drunk as fuck, in a beat-up Ford Fiesta. It drives away about fifty pages later and crashes into a tree, gets sent to the hospital, and is rarely heard from again throughout the course of the book.
God, this is still so boring. Edward, get out. Somewhere along the way, the Volturi come back in to the conversation.
“Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again,” he added lightly.”
The Volturi count years like we count seconds or something like that. Well, that’s ridiculously convenient, don’t you think? Now we can just forget about them altogether until they need to help the plot along. (+1 Stupidity)
“But you said thirty,” I whispered. The tears leaked over the edge. “What? You’re going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right.”
Someone take note: thirty is officially over-the-hill in Meyerland.
“You do realize that I’ll die eventually, right?” I demanded. He’d thought about this part, too. “I’ll follow after as soon as I can.” “That is seriously…”I looked for the right word. “Sick.”
Sure! Falling into catatonia after your boyfriend leaves, normal. Attempting to indirectly kill yourself, normal. Hearing voices, normal. Edward? Edward is sick. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella has had enough of this stupid “staying human” bullshit, so she decides to head over to Casa de Cullen. Right now.
“May I ask where you are going?'” he asked. “I’m going to your house,” I told him, still feeling around blindly. He got up and came to my side. “Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?”
One rare occasion that Bella takes initiative, and she still needs Edward to hand her shoes to her. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella has had enough of this not turning her into a vampire thing. Her plan? Go to the Cullens and have a vote. Yes! They’re going to vote on whether she should be a vampire right the hell now. Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks this is stupid. Yes, after letting Ed make all the decisions we should let them VOTE now. But wait, are Alice, Rosalie, and Esme allowed to vote? Hmm.
I miss Jacob.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Red Flag: +7
Thesaurus Rape: +45
Eye Rape: +1
Cream Count: +6
Red Flag: Sparklepeen- +22 Wolfballs- +2