What this chapter should be called: Are we there yet? Part 2
Bella like-o-meter: 3
Oh, God, where was I?
Chapter 22. Right. This should be easy.
The gang is escorted into the lobby and warned not to leave until dark. (Or else the Volturi will demand that, at some point in the future, demand that they apologize for disobeying.) I really don’t know why they just can’t go now. It’s not like they’ve had any problems with sparkles so far. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella promptly goes to pieces.
“Are you all right?” Edward asked under his breath, to low for the human woman to hear. His voice was rough—if velvet can be rough—with anxiety. Still stressed by our situation, I imagined.”
Somehow Edward’s voice manages to remain velvety and rough. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Note to Meyer: Antonyms are opposites, meaning they do not generally fit well together when describing the same thing.
Bella is still flipping out, BECAUSE SHE IS A STRONG WOMAN, REMEMBER? Of course, this means that Edward has to comfort her, BECAUSE HE LOVES HER.
“I think she’s having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her,” Alice suggested. ”
It’s like Alice is voicing my thoughts. Anyways, Bella is cracking up because of all the people the Volturi just ate. Yeah, the ones she couldn’t care less about last chapter. (+1 Stupidity) Bella’s whining becomes so insufferable that the mortal at the help desk asks if there’s anything she can do, not at all bothered by the two sparklepires.
“Does she know what’s going on here?” I demanded, my voice low and hoarse. I was getting control of myself, my breathing evening out. “Yes. She knows everything,” Edward told me. “Does she know they’re going to kill her someday?” “She’s knows it’s a possibility,” he said. That surprised me. Edward’s face was hard to read. “She’s hoping they’ll decide to keep her.”
This completely shocks Bella. Why would anyone want to be a vampire? Oh, right, the Volturi aren’t sparkly and beautiful and vegetarian. (+1 Stupidity)
“How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be a part of that?” Edward didn’t answer. His expression twisted in response to something I’d said.”
Ed kind of gives her a look and doesn’t say anything. Apparently, along with all the super sparkle powers, Bella is also immune to irony. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella cries some more because OMG Edwurd’s heeeeereee!!!!!!!111!11!!!!1!
“Is it really sick for me to be happy right now?” I asked. My voice broke twice. He didn’t push me away. He pulled me tight against his ice-hard chest, so tight it was hard to breathe, even with my lungs securely intact. “I know exactly what you mean,”
The bad part about Edward’s return is that the sickly sweet face-touching scenes have also returned. Bella is actually so focused on Edward’s face that she nearly forgets Alice is in the room. (+1 Bitch) Poor Alice. This must be awkward as hell for her.
“I couldn’t keep my eyes off of Edward’s face for long. I stared at him, wishing more than anything that the future would never happen.”
I’m almost positive that Meyer means that Bella never wants to stop looking at Edward’s face. However, I’m smarter than your average bear. Bella doesn’t want the future to happen, so she doesn’t want Alice’s vision of her becoming a vampire to happen. I understand that this is borderline troll logic, but WTH? (+1 Stupidity)
Bella has enough sense to note that Eddie looks really thirsty. Instead of doing what might be a good idea, and pushing the super-tasty Bella off his lap, therefore removing himself from temptation, he just keeps her there. (+1 Red Flag)
“Are you sure? I could sit with Alice,” I offered, unwilling; I’d rather he killed me now than move one inch from where I was. “Don’t be ridiculous.” He sighed; his sweet breath caressed my face. “I’ve never been in better control of that side of my nature than right now.”
Oh, insults and chloroform breath, how I’ve missed you. (+1 Red Flag)
A “million questions bubble” to Bella’s lips (+1 Thesaurus Rape), but she doesn’t bother asking them because it’s so much easier to just look at Sparklepeen’s face instead. Okay.
“Here in his arms, it was so easy to fantasize that he wanted me. I didn’t want to think about his motivations now—about whether he acted this way to keep me calm while we were still in danger, or if he just felt guilty for where we were and relieved that he wasn’t responsible for my death.”
Bella really is about as sharp as a wet rag, isn’t she? (+1 Stupidity) There’s a lot more face-stroking and nothingness until we finally reach some actual content. Last chapter, Aro said that Bella was a “singer” of some sort. (Lord, how I pray that the Super-Sue is not destined to become the next pop sensation.) Now we get to know what that really means.
“They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my singer—because her blood sings for me.” Alice laughed.”
Alice finds this as stupid as I do, apparently. Singers? Really? That’s the best we could do?
While we’re on the topic, whatever happened to Bella’s oh-so irresistible blood? Back in Twilight, the first half of the book revolved around the fact that Bella’s blood drove Eddie murderously nuts. Where is his supposed bloodlust now? I’m willing to accept the fact that he could theoretically become desensitized to her scent after spending a long time around her, but he’s been gone for nearly a year. Shouldn’t the scent hitting him hard, plus the fact that he’s thirsty, make for one dead Bella? (+1 Stupidity)
Oh, right. I forgot. He can simply will himself not to eat her, unless the book is in sudden need of tension.
There’s more face-touching and gazing and shit while Edward and Alice discuss how they’re going to get home. God knows why, since Alice and Bella didn’t seem to need a second’s planning in getting here. (+1 Stupidity) (Off page, they agree Emmett’s talent to exploit Expedia is probably their best bet.)
Alec comes in to tell the gang to GTFO. Bella is super scared of him, and “cringes” into Edward’s chest. Ugh. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) The exit a different way than they entered, which Bella is happy about because she admits she probably would have gone completely apeshit if she had to brave the scary dark again.
Alice steals a car, because stealing from mortals apparently doesn’t break vampire moral code. (+1 Stupidity) They drive of to the airport.
This is so fuckin’ boring.
Bedward cuddles in the backseat while Alice drives. They get to the airport and catch the first flight to Rome. Oh, so now Meyer’s actually doing her research. (+1 Stupidity) They then get on a flight from Rome to Atlanta. Cue thrilling airplane action.
Bella’s really tired, but doesn’t want to sleep because then she might miss out on some great face-touching, and orders a Coke from the flight attendant to stay awake.
“I knew the flight from Rome to Atlanta would be another matter entirely, so I asked the flight attendant if she could bring me a Coke. “Bella,” Edward said disapprovingly.”
Uhh, when are 18 year-olds not allowed to drink Coke? Does Edward not realize that Bella is an adult who has the right to order whatever the hell she wants on airplanes? (+1 Red Flag)
So they just sit there. Seriously. There’s no conversation, like, “what the hell was that all about?” No, they just sit there and pet each other. It’s disgusting.
“My reasoning was probably flawed by exhaustion, but I hoped that by postponing the discussion, I could buy a few more hours with him at some later time—spin this out for another night, Scheherazade-style.”
At first, I had no idea what this meant. A quick Google search later, I discovered that Scheherazade was the storyteller of One Thousand and One Nights. The story goes that there was a Sultan who ordered his wives put to death after one nuptial night. Scheherazade escaped death by telling the Sultan stories, so that he postponed her death for a thousand and one nights, at which point Scheherazade had no stories left to tell. The Sultan had fallen in love with her by this time, so her life was saved.
I’m not sure how Meyer considers what Bella is doing to what Scheherazade did. She’s just sitting there and letting Edward pet her. That’s not nearly as cool as telling a thousand and one stories so that you don’t get beheaded. (+1 Stupidity)
Around this point, I honestly forgot that I was reading a novel. Really. New Moon is kind of like reading somebody’s livejournal posts about what they did today. It has about as much structure and uh… literary relevance at least.
God, this chapter really is dry. There’s more petting action. Edward is beautiful, Edward is godlike, etcetera. (+1 Cream Count) The most I can do is play “Twenty minutes on Google” again. God, I hope the trip back is not nearly as confusing as the one there.
“I was awake when we reached the airport in Atlanta, and I even watched the sun beginning to rise over Seattle’s cloud cover before Edward slid the window shut.”
So, the gang left Volterra at sundown, which in mid-March, would be sometime between 6 – 6:30. We’ll say it was 6 o’clock even for convenience. They hustle out and Alice steals another car, which we’ll say takes five minutes. The trip to Peretola Airport in Florence is at least an hour and a half long, assuming Alice hits absolutely no traffic. We’ll allow 15 minutes for delay, so it’s about 7:50 when they reach the airport. I’ll allot 20 minutes for them to get through security and on the plane and whatnot, and assume that they’re in the air at 8:30.
The flight from Florence to Rome is about an hour, so they get there at 9:30 PM. Once again, they seem to have managed to perfectly line up their flights so that there’s no layover times, which I’d like to point out is next to impossible, even if you give Expedia three months of leeway, so that’s already out. (Not to mention that they’ve all got seats next to each other, also impossible for flights booked on a minutes’ notice.) But this is Meyerland, so those pesky things like details don’t bother us here.
They jump on the next leg of their trip, heading out of Rome to Atlanta. We’ll say they’re in the air at 10 PM. The flight from Rome to Atlanta is about 11 and a half hours. Accounting for the seven hour time difference, they land in Atlanta at about 3 PM the same day. Once again, there are no layovers (because Emmett really knows his way around Expedia) and their flight to Seattle is on the move by 3:25. They continue to move back through time zones, so it’s pretty fuckin’ impossible for Bella to be seeing the sun rise over Seattle. The flight from Seattle is eight hours, with time difference they touch down in SeaTac at 10:40 PM.
Whoof. I’m giving this whole thing five more points. (+5 Stupidity)
I’ll convert my mind back to Meyer-ish for now. They somehow land in the morning, and the Clan Cullen is there to greet them.
“Carlisle and Esme waited in a quiet corner far from the line for the metal detectors, in the shadow of a wide pillar. Esme reached for me, hugging me fiercely, yet awkwardly, because Edward kept his arms around me, too. “Thank you so much,” she said in my ear.”
Everyone goes on and on about how awesome Bella is. In other news, my Suedar is blaring. Also, Meyer has obviously never been to Seatac, because about half the freakin’ airport is made of windows.
(+1 Stupidity) Good God. Could Meyer not have taken literally twenty seconds to Google image “seatac airport?” Ugh.
Whatever. Jasper and Alice do some gazing of their own. Carlisle and Esme are all “omg thank you for saving our boy,” while in my head they’re cursing that their diabolical plan to get Edward and Bella out of the picture has failed dramatically. (Look, they’re just too nice, all right? There’s got to be something wrong with them.)
Oh, and Rosalie is all repentant and crap. Edward totes hates her for being smug about Bella dying and stuff. That’s kind of why I liked Rosalie to begin with. Finally, a character who isn’t on the Super Powerful Side of Good. And – what the hell is this?!?!?!
“Yes, Rosalie?” I asked, hesitant. “I’m so very sorry, Bella. I feel wretched about every part of this, and so grateful that you were brave enough to go save my brother after what I did. Please say you’ll forgive me.”
UHHH, WHAT? Why is she apologizing to Bella? What did she ever even do to Bella? (+1 Stupidity) Hey, shouldn’t Alice be apologizing for all of this, since she has a crippling inability to see werewolves for crap’s sake? (+1 Stupidity)
They get Bella home. Charlie, evidently, has remembered that he is both a cop and a father, and finds it in him to yell at Edward. Edward sort of ignores him at Bella’s behest and takes her upstairs, and she… falls asleep.
God, that was so boring. Seriously, how can someone actually write so much about nothing?
And how in the world was this dreck based off of someone’s dream? A better question yet would be what in God’s name made Meyer think that the world deserved to share this dream? I mean, I had this wacky dream a few nights ago where I entered a cutthroat ping-pong tournament with Wolverine. *I* think it would make a pretty great book, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna write the damn thing – people do NOT need to delve that deeply into the inner workings of other people’s subconsciouses.
Even IF Hugh Jackman is there without a shirt on.
Thesaurus Rape: +3
Cream Count: +1
Red Flag: +3
Thesaurus Rape: +44
Eye Rape: +1
Cream Count: +6
Red Flag: Sparklepeen- +19 Wolfballs- +2