Chapter 18: Funeral

Posted: February 3, 2012 in New Moon
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Wacky misunderstandings FTW!

Bella like-o-meter: 1

 

I was seriously beginning to doubt my ability to make it through this book. It is just so filled with nothingness. Oh, look, Bella’s whining about the hole in her chest. Aw, Jacob’s comforting her. Repeat for 400 pages. I can’t even make that sound funny.

As much as I hate to admit it, the biggest problem with the lack of content in this book is the lack of Edward. Edward really is the heart and soul of this series. He’s flat. He’s uncaring. He’s a pretentious asshole. Sometimes he’s even downright offensive. Without Edward to buoy my intense dislike of this book, I have trouble mustering up the willpower to properly ridicule even the most stupid things in this book. Look, telepathic werewolves that for some reason are invisible to Alice, ho hum.

Well, readers, I have news. Edward is coming back.

With a vengeance.

The chapter starts out as exciting as usual – Jacob is at the door.

 

“He was standing about six feet back from the door, his nose wrinkled in distaste, but his face otherwise smooth—masklike.”

Bella notes that Jake looks rather hostile, and is instantly reminded of that day where Jacob went off with the pack instead of nursing Bella’s emotional needs, which causes her to immediately go on the defensive. She doesn’t even stop to consider the fact that she did the same thing to him just yesterday. (+1 Bitch)

Bella invites him in, but only after she lets him know that she’s alone. Oh, and Embry and Jared (What the hell am I supposed to call that? The Jembry? The Embred?)  are there backing Jacob up, too.

 

“I understood what this meant: they were afraid to let him come here alone. It made me sad, and a little annoyed. The Cullens weren’t like that.”

 

The pack has only seen the Cullens GTFO and leave behind a human girl in a near catatonic state and heavy (fake) depression. Are they supposed to assume that the Cullens are just all sunshine and roses based off what they’ve seen? (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob gives her some crap for liking vampires, then departs a handy bit of knowledge.

 

“You should know that we can only watch our own lands with a Cullen here. You’ll only be safe in La Push. I can’t protect you here anymore.”

 

Uh, okay, whatever. Totes gonna go hang with my sparkly BFF now.

Jacob asks if the rest of the Cullens are coming back, a perfectly legit question. Bella answers.

 

“No.” I said finally. Grudgingly. “They aren’t coming back.” His expression didn’t change. “Okay. That’s all.” I glared at him, annoyance rekindled. “Well, run along now. Go tell Sam that the scary monsters aren’t coming to get you.”

 

So Bella says some mean things without any real reason, (+1 Bitch) and Jacob leaves. Because Bella is just the frailest little thing on the planet, she immediately starts crying.

 

“What a disaster. How could I have alienated him so completely in such a short amount of time? Would he forgive me when Alice was gone? What if he didn’t? I slumped against the counter and buried my face in my hands. How had I made such a mess of everything?”

 

Thankfully for Bella, Jacob comes back to hug her and apologize for hurting her again, even though it’s really not his fault that she’s a dumb bitch who can’t get her priorities straight. I freaking adore Jacob.

Suddenly…character development!

Or at least what passes for character development in this book.

 

“Can’t I be friends with you both at the same time?” I asked, my voice not hiding an ounce of the hurt I felt.”

 

Jacob is honest enough to say no, which triggers some intensely painful introspection on Bella’s part. To summarize: she needs Jacob to fill the metaphorical hole in her chest, but can’t let Alice go because Alice is feeding her addiction. Good God, this girl is the least self-sufficient person ever, (+1 Stupidity)

 

“I sniffed and stared at his big feet. “But you’ll wait, right? You’ll still be my friend, even though I love Alice, too?”

 

This line is freaking gold. That comment about big feet didn’t slide by me, Meyer.

The real unintentional hilarity behind this line is that Meyer unknowingly (I think) compares Bella’s love for Alice to Bella’s love for Jacob, when we all learned 2 chapters back that Bella wants to pity-fuck Jacob. Unintentional lesbian innuendos FTW!!! (+1 Stupidity)

Hell, why isn’t  this book about Alice and Bella? I would most definitely read a book about an average human girl rejecting social norms and pursuing a relationship with a female vampire, with both of them are struggling to accept their sexuality. That could be a good story. Just another one of the many ways that the Twilight saga could have gone horribly right, I suppose.

I think Jacob must pick up on the unintentional lesbian innuendo, too, because he says he’ll always be Bella’s friend, “no matter who she loves.” Jacob then decides it’s now or never, and leans down to maybe kiss Bella.

 

“Bella,” he whispered. I was frozen.”

 

Bella starts to freak out because she  controls her emotional crutch, godammit! Thankfully for just about everybody, the phone rings, and Jacob goes to answer it.

 

“Someone answered, and Jacob altered in an instant. He straightened up, and his hand dropped from my face.”

 

Bella guesses that a vampire is on the other end of the call due to the way Jacob acts. Does Bella assume that Jacob can tell if the person on the other end is a vampire just by voice now? (+1 Stupidity)

 

“He’s not here,” Jacob said, and the words were menacing. There was some very short reply, a request for more information it seemed, because he added
 unwillingly, “He’s at the funeral.”

 

Give me a minute while I burst out laughing.

“He’s at the funeral?” Oh, I’m absolutely positive that can’t be taken the wrong way at all. Yes, no misunderstandings whatsoever can possibly come from this! God, is this the only way we throw together some slap-dash plot? Through wacky misunderstanding? (+1 Stupidity) HA! I guess we will be getting our 7-chapter plot after all.

 

“Who did you just hang up on?” I gasped, infuriated. “In my house, and on my phone?” “Easy! He hung up on me!” “He? Who was it?!” He sneered the title. “Dr. Carlisle Cullen.”

 

Bella is mega pissed that Jacob just hung up on one of the super awesome cool vampires. Jacob then has some social anxiety thing, because he tries to get out of Bella’s house, but is blocked by Alice standing in the doorway.

 

“Her eyes were dazed and far away, her face drawn and whiter than bone. Her slim body trembled to an inner turmoil. “Alice, what’s wrong?” I cried. I put my hands on her face, trying to calm her. Her eyes focused on mine abruptly, wide with pain. “Edward,” was all she whispered.”

 

I won’t even say I told you so.

Bella starts to swoon before she even knows what Alice saw. Uh, there are limitless things Alice could have seen Edward doing. For all we know, she just caught him touching himself. That image would scare the shit out of me, too. Bella needs to stop jumping to useless conclusions. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“My mind labored, unable to make sense of Alice’s bleak face and how it could possibly relate to Edward, while my body was already swaying, seeking the relief of unconsciousness before the reality could hit me. The stairway tilted at the oddest angle.”

 

We have reached a new low, people. Bella’s fainting and even she doesn’t know why. (+1 Stupidity) Jacob makes the second mistake he’s made in 2 chapters and decides to catch Bella before she hits the floor.

And, “…relief of unconsciousness…”? I wish my fainting spells were as pleasant. I usually just think “Ooh, look, the pretty lights are here…I wish this would stop happening…”. It’s quite a horrible feeling when you’re going down, and an even worse feeling when you get up. I can’t think of a time when I’d prefer to pass out.

But then again, I’ve never felt the pain of being separated from my twu wuv like Bella has.

 

“Jacob’s furious voice was suddenly in my ear, hissing out a stream of profanities. I felt a vague disapproval. His new friends were clearly a bad influence.”

 

Uh, hon, he’s a 16 year-old boy. He’s bound to have a bit of a potty mouth, even without any outside influence. I certainly cuss like a sailor when reading these books (and when I’m losing at Mario Kart, but that’s a different story) but that doesn’t mean that my friends are bad influences. I just picked up some words on the 6th grade playground, as did every other freaking kid who’s ever attended public school. (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob is on the brink of fursploding, as he’s really pissed about Bella fainting. Alice whips out her phone to check in with Cult Cullen.

 

“Rose, I need to talk to Carlisle now.” Her voice whipped through the words. “Fine, as soon as he’s back. No, I’ll be on a plane. Look, have you heard anything from Edward?” Alice paused now, listening with an expression that grew more appalled every second. Her mouth opened into a little O of horror, and the phone shook in her hand. “Why?” she gasped. “Why would you do that, Rosalie?”

 

So Rosalie picks up, tells Alice that Carl isn’t back yet, and then says a few things that upset Alice. Bella mentions that Carlisle must be back, because he just called.

 

“That wasn’t Carlisle on the phone,” she said hopelessly. “Are you calling me a liar?” Jacob snarled from beside me. Alice ignored him, focusing on my bewildered face. “It was Edward.” The words were just a choked whisper. “He thinks you’re dead.”

 

OH NOES EDWURD TTLY THINKS BELLA’S DEAD.

 

“Rosalie told him I killed myself, didn’t she?” I said, sighing as I relaxed. “Yes,” Alice admitted, her eyes flashing hard again.”

 

Just to get things straight: Alice had a vision of Bella leaping off a cliff, and went to Forks. Meanwhile, Rosalie took the time to track Edward down in South America and told him that Bella was dead.

So now Edward is going to kill himself.

Man, I love Rosalie.

 

“Well, I wasn’t going to live without you, he’d said as we watched Romeo and Juliet die, here in this very room. But I wasn’t sure how to do it… I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi… You don’t irritate them. Not unless you want to die.”

 

Edward is going to go to the Volturi and ask them to kill him. I’m freaking serious. Why doesn’t he just intercept Victoria or something? No, he’s got to go halfway around the world and piss off a very specific set of vampires.(+1 Stupidity) And, geez, Edward couldn’t have, I don’t know, checked to see if Bella was really dead before running of to Italy? I don’t see how he would have accepted that she died so readily. WTF? (+1 Stupidity)

Bella asks why Edward is all in a tizzy, when he knew that she would die someday, anyways. Because then we wouldn’t get 7 chapters of rip-roaring plot, that’s why. What is Edward’s exact suicide plan, anyways?

 

“It all depends on what they choose. I can’t see that till they make a decision. “But if they say no, and they might—Aro is fond of Carlisle, and wouldn’t want to offend him—Edward has a backup plan. They’re very protective of their city. If Edward does something to upset the peace, he thinks they’ll act to stop him. And he’s right. They will.”

 

Yes, you read that right. Edward is going to go up to a bunch of Italian vampires, and politely ask for death. What an idiot. (+1 Stupidity) Everyone knows that if you want an Italian to kill you, you should just insult their cooking. His backup plan is to…

Hold on, let me reread this.

Edward’s backup plan is, if saying please doesn’t work, to go on a rampage through their city.

This book reads like a bad roleplay session. QUICKLY, TO ITALY! (+1 Stupidity)

How fucking noble is that? He’s going to involve as many innocent lives as possible in his meaningless quest for suicide. What a hero. (+1 Stupidity)

Alice’s plan is to drag Bella to Italy to hopefully stop Edward from rampaging or whatever. She warns Bella that there’s a high possibility that they’re all gonna die if they don’t succeed. Bella is all, “fuck that, I LOVE putting myself in hazardous situations!” and rushes off to go pack and write a note to Charlie.

 

“Dad, I wrote. I’m with Alice. Edward’s in trouble. You can ground me when I get back. I know it’s a bad time. So sorry. Love you so much. Bella.”

 

God, is Charlie practically nonexistent in Bella’s mind or what? I’m starting to wonder if Charlie maybe actually died towards the end of the book, and only exists in some fucked-up cross-gendered Bates-esque figment of Bella’s imagination. While she this, Jacob begs, even tearfully, for her not to go.

 

“Don’t go,” Jacob whispered. The anger was all gone now that Alice was out of sight. I wasn’t about to waste time arguing with him. “Please, please, please take care of Charlie,” I said as I dashed back out to the front room.”

 

Your best friend is concerned with the fact that you’re going to offer yourself up to a bunch of Italian vamps like blood-flavored garlic bread and you just blow him off. What a BITCH. (+1 Bitch)

Sorry, Jacob, you’ve got a pulse and you treat her right. You never really stood a chance.

 

“Please, Bella. I’m begging.” His dark eyes were glistening with tears. A lump filled my throat. “Jake, I have to—”
”You don’t, though. You really don’t. You could stay here with me. You could stay alive. For Charlie. For me.”

 

Bella gives Jacob a goodbye which basically amounts to “JK LOL fuck you take care of my dad” and drives off with Alice. (+1 Bitch)

 

“As Alice stomped on the gas and—with the tires screeching like human screams—spun us around to face the road, I caught sight of a shred of white near the edge of the trees. A piece of a shoe.”

 

There was one great way this chapter could have ended.

FATALITY.

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +13

Bitch: +4


Book Count:

Stupidity: +198

Angst: +28

Bitch: +40

Thesaurus Rape: +35

Cream Count: +5

Red Flag: Sparklepeen-12  Wolfballs-2

Redemption: +3

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Comments
  1. Elizabeth says:

    Hey just letting you know:
    On the chapter count, you put is as the same for the Book Count.
    It’s 4 Bitch, and 13 Stupidity [:

  2. concordia says:

    GAWD

    Bella, y u no smart?

  3. TacoMagic says:

    I don’t see how he would have accepted that she died so readily. WTF?

    Well, he has met Bella. To suddenly learn that your uber-dependent, emotional wreck of an ex-girlfriend killed herself in a fit of stupidity doesn’t seem all that surprising.

  4. Seriously, Edward could have rung up and asked to speak to Bella instead of Charlie. Then because Bella was there, she would have spoke to him and … ta-da… she’s alive! no need to get the Italians sparklies involved. But of course, that would require logic and would provided Meyer with no rushed-end-of-book plot. Epic fail points should be awarded.

    • Dawn says:

      But oh no !

      Edward wouldn’t talk to Bella lest he harms her…

      …..and harms her nevertheless. First by leaving her in the middle of the forest, and then by having her dragged right into the fangs of danger ( Volturi ) because of his own inability to get accurate information despite his super-sparkly powers.

  5. KidDarkness says:

    I don’t really understand. Did someone die by getting hit at the end of the chapter or was it Jacob’s shoe flying off as he turned into a wolf?

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