What this chapter should be called: Truest truly true true love.
Bella like-o-meter: 0
Quick note: I apologize for the late update today, and for the fact that I probably won’t be updating again until next Saturday. I’ve got a jam-packed schedule for this week, and I simply won’t have enough time to write up a half-decent chapter 18 snark. See you next week!
I know all you guys were really worried that it actually might have been Victoria in Bella’s house, but it’s not. Phew. Wouldn’t actually want to put our precious Sue in real danger. Besides, that might cause tension. No, it’s just Alice, standing in Bella’s living room and looking incredibly confused.
“Alice, oh, Alice!” I cried, as I slammed into her.”
These books are really just a hop, skip and a jump away from being an entirely different genre. (+1 Stupidity) Did Meyer ever reread parts of this book and think, “hrm, that might be taken the wrong way?”
“I locked my arms around her, gasping to inhale as much of the scent of her skin as possible. It wasn’t like anything else—not floral or spice, citrus or musk. No perfume in the world could compare. My memory hadn’t done it justice.”
So…if it’s not floral, or fruity or spicy…what is it? If you’re going to go overboard on describing how someone smells, you may as well leave your reader with a vivid mental image, not mind-blowing vagueness. (+1 Cream Count)
Bella throws herself into Alice’s arms, sobbing and saying her name in ecstasy. No, really. I’m serious. Alice eventually has to push her off because Bella smells delicious and Alice is thirsty.
Bella feels that everything, after a year of fake depression and borderline catatonia, is all right once again. Someone is seriously addicted to vampires. We finally learn why Alice came back.
“Speaking of which, would you like to explain to me how you’re alive?”
Bella quickly assumes that Alice saw her jump fall. Of course, Alice and her handy plot-device powers knew something like this would happen, but Edward was just so convinced that Bella wouldn’t break her promise. He obviously doesn’t know Bella very well. (+1 Stupidity)
“… when I saw you jumping, I didn’t think, I just got on a plane. I knew I would be too late, but I couldn’t do nothing. And then I get here, thinking maybe I could help Charlie somehow, and you drive up.”
Alice is here to help Charlie deal with the death of his daughter, only here Bella is. Alice has a sudden moment of clarity and rips Bella a new asshole for being such a uncaring bitch that she didn’t even stop to think what killing herself would do to Charlie. Why would you ever do that, Bella?
“Alice, I wasn’t committing suicide.”
Could have fooled me. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella continues to insist she wasn’t trying to kill herself, which we all know is a blatant lie, (+1 Stupidity) and insists that jumping off the cliff was for recreational purpose only.
I wonder if Meyer realizes that she just turned the entire concept of this book into a complete clusterfuck. Wasn’t the whole premise of this book “Edward leaves and Bella becomes suicidal?” So, what, are we just going to forget the last 14 chapters ever existed? Is Meyer now suddenly concerned that she’s sending a bad message? Should have thought of that 14 chapters ago. (+1 Stupidity)
Anyhoo, Alice doesn’t buy the whole “recreation” excuse. Bella asks why Alice didn’t see Jacob jumping in to save her. What?
“She frowned in perplexity. “Someone pulled you out?”
Meyer does realize that she uses that word in the wrong way, right? The way it’s written implies that Alice’s frown was the cause of perplexion. Yeesh. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) What bothers me most is that, instead of letting the reader piece together that Alice might be frowning because she is perplexed (an inference that could easily be formed from Alice’s dialog), it’s once again bluntly shoved in our faces. We’ve just been figuratively pied. (+1 Stupidity)
Alice asks who pulled Bella out. Do you remember how Alice is super-sensitive to non-humans? Well, guess what: she can’t see werewolves. Werewolves are invisible in her visions. The only predator of vampires, and she can’t see them. She is weresighted. (+1 Stupidity)
How ridiculously convenient for the plot. (+1 Stupidity)
Oh, and this all happens after Bella spills the beans on the werewolves, by the way. What a great friend Bella is, keeping you secrets and everything. (+1 Bitch)
“Your best friend is a werewolf?” I nodded sheepishly. “How long has this been going on?” “Not long,” I said, my voice sounding defensive. “He’s only been a werewolf for just a few weeks.” She glowered at me. “A young werewolf? Even worse!”
Somehow, even though Alice wasn’t with Carlisle the last time he was in Forks, and none of the sparklepires have ever said one word about werewolves, Alice still knows that they have stupid short tempers and are famous for losing it. What? (+1 Stupidity)
Alice chastises Bella for hanging out with dangerous monsters, and speaking of monsters: why hasn’t Alice seen, I don’t know, Laurent or Victoria? What the fuck? If Alice can see Bella taking a swan dive off a cliff, why didn’t she see Laurent attacking her? Or Victoria stalking her, for that matter? And she wouldn’t have seen the werewolves saving Bella, so she would have thought Bella was dead a lot earlier. PLOT HOLE! (+1 Stupidity)
Why did it take a suicide attempt to bring Alice here, again? (+1 Stupidity)
Unless…does Alice want Bella to be dead? Please oh please say yes.
Alice is visibly frustrated by the fact that Bella has been trying to indirectly kill herself reckless.
“…Edward was right—you’re a magnet for danger. Weren’t you supposed to be staying out of trouble?”
Even though it’s true, I love how Alice just assumes that Bella will have done whatever Edward told her. Forget trying to live her own life and do her own thing. Remember, ladies, even if you break up with him, you’re still obligated to follow his commands.
Bella brings up Laurent and Victoria, and Alice somehow didn’t see them. Okay. (+1 Stupidity) Alice is all “lol wut” and Bella relates the whole story, sans the motorcycles and Ed-isodes.
“Our leaving didn’t do you any good at all, did it?” Alice murmured.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAAAHAHAH NO REALLY HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
Alice states, in passing, that maybe she shouldn’t have come, which triggers immediate mental breakdown on Bella’s part.
“I could feel the blood draining from my face. My stomach dropped. “Don’t go, Alice,” I whispered. My fingers locked around the collar of her white shirt and I began to hyperventilate. “Please don’t leave me.”
Someone needs medication.
Alice talks about what a mess Bella is, and how completely normal it is. What did you expect to find, after all? At this moment, Jacob calls to see if Bella’s alive.
“Just making sure you were still alive,” Jacob said sourly. “I’m fine. I told you that it wasn’t—” ”Yeah. I got it. ‘Bye.” Jacob hung up on me.”
God, I love that kid.
From here, it’s pretty dry. Alice is there, which is a lot less exciting than it sounds. Alice hunts, uh, Bella cleans and is now super happy because her magical super fun family of vampires still remembers her, uh… Edward doesn’t hang out with the family much anymore because he’s just so tortured and angsty… and Charlie finally comes home, depressed over his dead friend. Alice apologizes over the horrible timing of her visit, but of course Charlie is okay to have her over. And Bella goes to bed.
Bella wakes up in the morning to hear Alice and Charlie talking in the kitchen. Sounds exciting. Being Bella, she heads downstairs to eavesdrop.
“How bad was it, Charlie?” Alice asked softly, and at first I thought they were talking about the Clearwaters. Charlie sighed. “Real bad.” “Tell me about it. I want to know exactly what happened when we left.”
Ah, so here we have a summary of Bella’s mope period. There’s something weird about this neighborhood. The neighbors really should have noticed (especially with the nightly screaming). Why hasn’t child services been called yet? Is it because she’s 18? Okay then, why haven’t the police been called yet? Or, you know, someone (Bella, Charlie…anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?) doing a search on WebMD for something like “constant, horrifying dreams” and come up with night terrors? Or someone telling her “Damn, we need to get you to a shrink and on some meds!”
“That first week—I thought I was going to have to hospitalize her. She wouldn’t eat or drink, she wouldn’t move. Dr. Gerandy was throwing around words like ‘catatonic,’ but I didn’t let him up to see her. I was afraid it would scare her.”
So, for the first week, Bella didn’t eat or drink or move, but only missed 1 day of school. Continuity snarls FTW. (+1 Stupidity) And I thought the rule was that three days without water would kill you? Damn it! Meyer fails at research. (+1 Stupidity) Charlie didn’t know what to do, so they almost sent Bella back to Florida to live with Renee.
“But when we started packing her clothes, she woke up with a vengeance. I’ve never seen Bella throw a fit like that. She was never one for the tantrums, but, boy, did she fly into a fury.”
So Bella is so mature that she’s never thrown tantrums, aside from the ones she had every year when being forced to spend time with her father. (+1 Stupidity)
So after the horrible screaming temper tantrum, Bella got back to sub-normal. She moved around and, y’know, sustained herself, but wouldn’t do little things like listen to music or watch TV. She also never answered her friend’s calls. Hey, they did try after all! Now I guess I can agree with their decision just to give up on her. (+1 Stupidity) Also, Bella screamed a lot in her sleep, did we mention that?
Man, Bella is a freaking mess. We are supposed to feel sorry for her, we are supposed to empathize with how much she truly loved Edward, but she is just pathetic. She’s worse than that, she’s near psychotic. These are not normal behaviors for being dumped. These are not normal behaviors for anyone, period. Someone should have checked her into a psych ward a long, long time ago.
“I’m so sorry, Charlie,” Alice said, voice glum. “It’s not your fault.” The way he said it made it perfectly clear that he was holding someone responsible.”
Charlie blames Edward for all of this, but not to any sort of realistic extent. Then again, I would be completely shocked to see Meyer bring up ideas of any serious issue, like physical or emotional abuse. No, we’ll just have the cop father think that every girl goes catatonic for a week after a breakup. (+1 Stupidity)
Charlie talks about Jacob, and it’s pretty obvious that he hopes Bella will get with him sometime in the near future. He then goes back to how fucked up Bella is.
“…I wonder if I’ve ever grasped how much pain she’s really in It’s not normal, Alice, and it… it frightens me. Not normal at all. Not like someone… left her, but like someone died.”
Bella then.. oh, here:
“It was like someone had died—like I had died. Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family—the whole life that I’d chosen…”
Oh my GOD. I’m so fucking sick of how supposedly truest truly lovingly loved she was. I saw no such love in Twilight, or this book. He berated her, abused her, controlled her, insulted her, and let’s be honest, she only liked him because he was pretty. (+1 Stupidity)
Both Alice and Charlie are pretty pissed with Edward, an action I can appreciate. Bella decides she’ll pretend to wake up and go in at this point. Uh, why didn’t Alice, the super-sensitive future-seeing vampire not notice Bella, a delicious, clumsy human? Shouldn’t Alice have known Bella was there? (+1 Stupidity)
Charlie leaves for the rez to help his friend’s family sort out their affairs, and Bella catches up with Alice. The Cullens are doing random stupid things (back in school or remarried again or whatever), while Alice was trying to research her previous family.
“My name was Mary Alice Brandon,” she told me quietly. “I had a little sister named Cynthia. Her daughter—my niece—is still alive in Biloxi.” “Did you find out why they put you in… that place?” What would drive parents to that extreme? Even if their daughter saw visions of the future… She just shook her head, her topaz eyes thoughtful. “I couldn’t find much about them. I went through all the old newspapers on microfiche. My family wasn’t mentioned often; they weren’t part of the social circle that made the papers. My parents’ engagement was there, and Cynthia’s.” The name fell uncertainly from her tongue. “My birth was announced… and my death. I found my grave. I also filched my admissions sheet from the old asylum archives. The date on the admission and the date on my tombstone are the same.”
Wow. Life just sucks for Alice, doesn’t it? But do you see her curled up into a ball, weeping incoherently? No, you do not. Why weren’t these books about Alice, again?
Time goes on, trivial things that I don’t care about happen, and the next morning Charlie heads out to Harry’s funeral. Bella cleans the bathroom while Alice watches, and a few hours later, someone comes to the door. Alice can’t see who it is, so it’s most likely Jacob or one of his friends. Okay. Alice GTFO’s while Bella gets the door.
This is just so exciting I could die.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Cream Count: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +35
Cream Count: +5
Red Flag: Sparklepeen-12 Wolfballs-2