Chapter 16: Paris

Posted: January 24, 2012 in New Moon
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Jacob! Come back! I’m not done using you!

Bella like-o-meter: -100,000


Where we left off, our weak-willed bitch senseless little floozy indomitable heroine decided she’d had enough of being dumped, and decides to end it all by throwing herself off a cliff and drowning.

But someone

for some reason

decided to save her.

Fuck my life.


“The current wouldn’t let up. It was slamming me against more rocks; they beat against the center of my back sharply, rhythmically, pushing the water from my lungs.”


Jacob pounds on her back, getting all the water out of her lungs. Whoopee. Bella decides that dying suddenly isn’t so fun now that she can’t hallucinate Edward’s voice anymore.

“Breathe!” a voice, wild with anxiety, ordered, and I felt a cruel stab of pain when I recognized the voice—because it wasn’t Edward’s.”


Should’ve left her in the ocean, Jake. (+1 Bitch)

Bella vomits up seawater while they debate whether or not they should move her, due to the cold. Sam tells them to leave her there, because she might have hurt her back, which makes him a thousand times more competent than the other doctor who previously tended to Bella.

Bella finally croaks a few words, telling Jake to throw her back in the ocean so she an hallucinate herself to death. (Not really, but that’s how it happened in my head.)


“Let’s get you out of here, then,” Jacob said. He slid his arms under me and lifted me without effort—like picking up an empty box. His chest was bare and warm; he hunched his shoulders to keep the rain off of me.”


Even after taking a dip in freezing ocean, Jacob is somehow still burning hot. New theory: werewolves are always burning hot from all that extra fur they must keep stored inside them. (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob carts Bella up to the ancient and noble House of Black, while Sam runs off to the hospital. Oh, so is Bella is possibly going to the hospital for the life-threatening injuries she’s sustained? That’s a new one.

Bella looks back at the ocean and MOTHER OF GOD IS THIS FORESHADOWING?


“As I stared wearily, a spark of color caught my unfocused eyes—a small flash of fire was dancing on the black water, far out in the bay. “


Victoria’s hair is often described as fiery by Bella. Could this be foreshadowing? Is Meyer actually foreshadowing without the use of something as clumsy and clichéd as a dream? Who is this author and what has she done with Stephenie? (+1 Redemption)

Turns out that Jacob was looking for Bella, due to the fact that Victoria got away from the wolves and might have doubled back towards La Push. Bella asks Jacob what Sam meant about a hospital, since it’s obvious that she’s not going. What an idiot. (+1 Stupidity)


“No, no. When we got back, Em was waiting with the news. It’s Harry Clearwater. Harry had a heart attack this morning.” “Harry?” I shook my head, trying to absorb what he was staying. “Oh, no! Does Charlie know?”


HA, I told you that would be important. Bella immediately turns it around so that it’s about her.


“Abruptly, I felt really sick with guilt—felt truly horrible about the brainless cliff dive. Nobody needed to be worrying about me right now. What a stupid time to be reckless.”


What a bitch. (+1 Bitch) Jacob lets her know how incredibly stupid jumping off a cliff in the middle of a freaking thunderstorm really was. He puts her on the couch and goes off to get her some warm clothes.

On a side note, did anybody else notice the three adverbs in that one sentence? Ugh, adverbs light up like anomalies on an MRI for me, now. Sorry, too much House, M.D. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Jacob nearly falls asleep on the couch after some subtle suggestion on Bella’s part. Why hasn’t anyone has asked why Bella tried to kill herself yet? Does everyone seriously think she was just having some good ol’ injun-style fun? I guess Jacob is in denial, re: cliffdiving, currently.

Anyhoo, Jacob falls asleep so that Bella can wax pathetic about Romeo and Juliet for three pages.

I’m not even joking.


“I wondered what she would have done if Romeo had left her, not because he was banished, but because he lost interests. What if Rosalind had given him the time of day, and he’d changed his mind? What if, instead of marrying Juliet, he’d just disappeared?”


Okay, first off, the girl’s name is Rosaline, not Rosalind. Jesus. Are we really supposed to believe that Meyer is educated in the classic works? (+1 Stupidity)  Bella continues to attempt to justify settling for Jacob.


“What if there were more to Paris? What if Paris had been Juliet’s friend? Her very best friend? What if he was the only one she could confide in about the whole devastating thing with Romeo? The one person who really understood her and made her feel halfway human again?”


She’s never going to find another person she loves as much as Edward, ever ever ever. So she may as well shack up with the first rebound she comes to. And being with Jacob would make him happy, and she doesn’t want him to be unhappy, so that makes it all right. Right?

My. We are unabashedly codependent.


“And… what if she loved Paris? Not like Romeo. Nothing like that, of course. But enough that she wanted him to be happy, too?”


May as well shack up with the first rebound she comes to, right? And being with Jacob would make him happy, and she doesn’t want him to be unhappy, so that makes it all okay, right?

No joke. (+1 Stupidity)

So….waxing about Romeo and Juliet, huh? Let’s use some of my mad prediction skillz to deduce what will happen next!

Bella/Juliet takes the cliff dive/potion, causing Edward/Romeo to think that she’s dead, and then he tries to off himself? Wow, Meyer, so original. (+1 Stupidity) But, Meyer forgot one crucial detail: R&J were SUPPOSED to be stupid, impulsive teenagers who only liked each other for shallow reasons. Unless you’re implying that I’ve been right all along, I really don’t think you should try to make that analogy. (+1 Stupidity)

About the whole Romeo and Juliet thing – I think Meyer read into that book waaaay too much. I can’t remember where it is, but there’s this quote about Romeo and Paris (i.e. Edward and Jacob): “They fight; Paris falls.” I just can’t get over how stupid it is. Shakespeare is good, but leaning yourself on other authors is NOT a good thing. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella decides to stop fantasizing and instead decides to wax pathetic about her life. Waaah!


“What if something bad happened to me? What would that do to Charlie? Harry’s heart attack had pushed everything suddenly into perspective for me. Perspective that I didn’t want to see, because—if I admitted to the truth of it—it would mean that I would have to change my ways.”


Charlie? He would probably throw a party and put an air hockey table in Bella’s ex bedroom. You know, a leisure room.

Bella then admits that she doesn’t want to stop the hallucinations because that would require her to act grown-up. (+1 Angst)

Even though she’s still possibly the most immature character ever written, she still has the good sense to realize that trying to indirectly kill herself being reckless hurts her mother and her father. After all, how would Charlie feel if he lost his best friend and his daughter on the same day? How would he ever cook for himself? (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and that hint about the hospital just slid right by Bella (she’s so sharp) and she hasn’t even thought about seeing a doctor. Oxygen deprivation totes isn’t a big deal. (+1 Stupidity) Not to mention the multiple injuries she obtained when she hit the water that Meyer decided to overlook. (+1 Stupidity)

I hope this serves as a lesson to all you tweens out there that if you decide kill your brain off by being a mindless drone/idiot/Darwin Award Candidate, you can hold your breath indefinitely with no adverse side-effects!

Jacob at least apologizes for not taking her to a hospital, but really. Forks is populated by idiots and La Push is populated by morons. Do people have any bit of common sense in this book?

Bella snaps out of her introspection when Billy rolls in (literally) looking sad as hell.


“Oh, no, Billy!” I moaned. He nodded slowly, his expression hard with grief. Jake hurried to his father and took one of his hands. The pain made his face suddenly childlike—it looked odd on top of the man’s body. Sam was right behind Billy, pushing his chair through the door. His normal composure was absent from his agonized face.”


Harry’s kicked the bucket, so Sam gets his ass back to the hospital to “make arrangements.” I’m not sure why he needs to be there, seeing as he’s not immediate family,and generally only immediate family is allowed to view the body/work out wills/etc., but who knows. Maybe Sam is Harry’s uncle’s cousin’s nephew twice removed. (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob offers to take Bella home, because that is really where she should be.


“He twisted his head to look at me. His eyes were rimmed in red. “You don’t look so good.” “I don’t feel so good, either, I guess.” “I’ll go get your truck and then take you home—you probably ought to be there when Charlie gets back.”


Ooookay. Cue more half-assed justification as to Bella’s manipulative actions towards Jacob. What fun.


“I couldn’t imagine my life without Jacob now—I cringed away from the idea of even trying to imagine that. Somehow, he’d become essential to my survival.”


Imagine having to *gasp* function on your own like a normal human being!

Bella decides that she would like to pity-fuck with Jacob after all, and gears up to tell him.


“I could stake a claim. I had that much within my power.”


Seriously? We are seriously going to go there? You are just going to up and admit that, Bella? You don’t care about him as much as he does, but you want to make sure that you still have him. Greedy little child! Forget that it’s possible he could be happier with someone else, if you can’t love him then no one can! (+1 Bitch)


“I’d have to tell him everything, I knew that. It was the only way to be fair. I’d have to explain it right, so that he’d know I wasn’t settling, that he was much too good for me. He already knew I was broken, that part wouldn’t surprise him, but he’d need to know the extent of it. I’d even have to admit that I was crazy—explain about the voices I heard. He’d need to know everything before he made a decision.”


So, she wants to tell him everything so that he knows she isn’t settling. Uh, even though she is. (+1 Stupidity) Oh, and somehow, even though Bella is so broken and tragic,  she knows that Jacob will take her in a heartbeat.



Oh, God, my Suedar’s hitting critical levels! (+1 Stupidity) Ugh, I want to hit something.


“He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his cheat, binding me to him. Again, this felt nice. Almost like being a whole person again.”


Screw simple codepency, this girl is the definition of dependent personality disorder. It is just SO romantic!

Anyhoo, they cuddle in Bella’s truck for a few minutes, and then Bella debates on starting a quick make-out session so that she has a stable crutch for an indefinite period of time.


“But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?


Oh my God. (+1 Bitch)

Somehow, this brings on another Ed-isode, but the only helpful wisdom this one bestows upon Bella is “be happy.” She stiffens up, Jacob misinterprets this as taking it too far, opens the door to let her out, and catches a fresh whiff of vampire.


“What’s wrong?” He revved the engine too fast; it sputtered and faltered. “Vampire,” he spit out.”


Jacob revs the truck and tries to zoom out of there, and Bella sees the car parked across the street.


“It was a black car—a car I knew. I might be the furthest thing from an autophile, but I could tell you everything about that particular car. It was a Mercedes S55 AMG. I knew the horsepower and the color of the interior. I knew the feel of the powerful engine purring through the frame. I knew the rich smell of the leather seats and the way the extra-dark tintmade noon look like dusk through those windows.”


Huh. Funny. A few chapters back, Bella explicitly stated that you needed a Y chromosome to understand anything about cars, yet she’s able to deduce the make and model of a car she just happens to catch a glance of. Either Bella has grown testicles, or Meyer forgot her own canon – again. (+1 Stupidity) So, who does the mystery car belong to?


“It was Carlisle’s car.”




“There’s a vampire in your house,” Jacob hissed. “And you want to go back?” I glanced at him, ripping my unwilling eyes off the Mercedes—terrified that it would disappear the second I looked away. “Of course,” I said, my voice blank with surprise at his question. Of course I wanted to go back.”


There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the Cullens! What wonderfully abusive people who are good and sparkly and eat endangered animals!

God, I can’t get over what a bitch Bella is being. Hey, let’s lead on Wolfballs the injun until my one twu wuv gets back! I’m absolutely positive he won’t mind. (+1 Bitch)


“Take me back!” A shudder rippled through his wide shoulders, but his eyes were flat and emotionless. “No.” “Jake, it’s okay—”
”No. Take yourself back, Bella.” His voice was a slap—I flinched as the sound of it struck me.”


While Jacob’s words slap Bella silly, (+1 Thesaurus Rape) he continues the verbal smackdown.


“Bye, Bella,” he called back over his shoulder. “I really hope you don’t die.”


I know that Meyer wants us to dislike Jacob for his “irrational” hatred of sparklepires, but, hot damn, this line just made me love Jacob. I almost lol’ed when I read this.

I’m also glad that Jacob is breaking the cycle of abuse. Yes, I’m going there. Bella was the abuser in their relationship. Not only did she lead on, manipulate, and emotionally abuse Jacob, she also just let him know she didn’t give a damn about him. It’s eerily similar to Edward’s treatment of Bella last book. What a fucking bitch. (+1 Bitch) Is there any such thing as a healthy relationship in Meyerland? (+1 Stupidity)

It’s strange, but I’ve found myself, over the last several chapters, caring more and more what happens. I was totally baffled as to why. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still making me want to slam my head against the wall. But I did develop a sense of curiosity. I had no curiosity to know what happened next in the first book.

As I was watching Doctor Who (10th Doctor, if anyone’s interested) late last night it hit me. There’s a lot more Jacob in these chapters. I like Jacob. He’s a cute sweet kid. And I feel really sorry for him being surrounded by these idiots and being trapped in this horrible story. I want to know what happens next for him in hopes that things turn out okay for him. I’m not usually into happy pink fluffy bunny endings, but damn, this kid needs a break.

Now, I realize this does not happen. He does not get over Bella and go have a healthy relationship with some cute girl on the reservation. He does not grow into a wonderful man surrounded by his wolf pack family. For god’s sake, I don’t even think he’ll ever get to frolic naked in the woods all furred out. (And certainly not with his fellow pack cause that would be too gay.)

Whoof, am I off topic or what?

So, there is literally “one second” of remorse (and I use that word lightly) until Bella decides to forget that maybe she might have hurt Jacob’s feelings. What a great character and role model Bella Swan is. (+1 Bitch)

I don’t think you understand the depth of my hatred for Bella.

I mean, she’s been flirting with Jacob for MONTHS, LEADING HIM ON and being a TOTAL BITCH, but she’s surprised when he’s HURT that she pretty much dumps him as soon as she sees A TINY HINT that maybe-perhaps-okay-it’s-not-much-but-it-could-be a Cullen returning? (+1 Bitch)

If genders were reversed, girls would be screaming bloody murder. Just saying.

She rushes up her steps because OHEMGEE THERE’S A CULLEN IN MY HOUSE SQUEEEE!!!!!11!!!1!!!

She steps in to turn on the light – but wait!


“My hand froze in its searching, my whole body froze into place, as I realized why I recognized the strange orange color on the water. Victoria’s hair, blowing wild in the wind, the color of fire…
She’d been right there. Right there in the harbor with me and Jacob.”


Bella is all, “Well, I hope it’s not Victoria here to kill me now that I’ve hurt Jacob and he ran off.”

If only.

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +15

Angst: +1

Bitch: +8

Thesaurus Rape: +2

Redemption: +1


Book Count:

Stupidity: +166

Angst: +28

Bitch: +35

Thesaurus Rape: +34

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: Sparklepeen-12  Wolfballs-2

Redemption: +3

  1. blessed8be says:

    I love how Victoria is practically non-existent for a good chunk this whole book

  2. william says:

    The funny part is that Victoria doesn’t even become a real threat until the next book, where she is somehow the villain for the ENTIRE thing. And then they kill her. Um?

    And David Tennant is way cooler than Matt Smith.

  3. anneris31 says:

    It’s always such a relief from the insanity of our Twilight-crazed society when I can read a blog written by someone who shares my mutual hatred of all things Bella.

    I find it ironic when you say that if the genders were reversed in this situation, girls would be screaming bloody murder, because the thing is that the situation is reversed throughout the entire series with Edward and Bella. Edward treats Bella exactly like Bella treats Jacob, yet its SO ROMANTIC and SO EPIC. Jacob even starts to act like Edward to a point where its like they’re almost the same character, only Jacob gets much better dialogue, yet people still find him just as romantic. Like the part where Jacob basically becomes Edward for a whole paragraph in one of the next chapters by answering Bella’s own phone in her own house with one of her friends on the other end and DOESN’T EVEN LET HER TALK TO THEM. Meyer needs to take some online courses at feminist college.

    And I have to say, I’m so sorry that Doctor Who has been tainted for you. Having a Twilight related thought during a Tennant episode is the textbook definition of trauma.

  4. electrosyd says:

    Thank you, THANK YOU for debunking the horror that is the the Twilight saga. Please keep us up to date like this. Thank you for sharing your wonderful writing with the world.

  5. cupcake2eater says:

    “Jacob carts Bella up to the ancient and noble House of Black” quoting Harry Potter I see.

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