Chapter 15: Pressure

Posted: January 20, 2012 in New Moon
Tags: , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Suicide is love, right?

Bella like-o-meter: -100,000,000,000,000

 

Warning: In this chapter, Bella tries to commit suicide. I know this is a pretty delicate topic, and while I think suicide is a very serious issue in real life, this is a horribly written fiction novel, so jokes are made, because taking it seriously in the context it’s written in is fucking impossible. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In this chapter, Bella gets even more unlikeable. I didn’t even think that was possible. And for those of you who believe that Bella could honestly not get any dumber, this chapter is going to confuse and frighten you.

Somehow we’ve fast-forwarded to spring break in Forks, mostly so Meyer doesn’t have to write about any boring mortals. Bella spends all her time at La Push. Jacob follows her around when she’s not in La Push. Bella broods over her relationship with Jacob.

 

“When we walked along the beach now, he always held my hand. This made me brood over what Jared had said, about Jacob involving his “girlfriend.” I supposed that that was exactly what it looked like from the outside.”

Bella knows that’s what Jacob hopes it looks like, and is continuing to get his hopes up. Now would be a great time to set some boundaries. Better late than never, right?

 

“But his hand felt nice as it warmed mine, and I didn’t protest.”

 

As usual, Bella doesn’t give a fuck. (+1 Bitch)

Jacob follows Bella home from work one day on his bike. Wait, what? I thought he had an actual car. Why is he riding a motorcycle in 50 degree weather? (+1 Stupidity) Why is he risking Billy finding out about his bike? Or has Billy already given him the green light? That would have been nice to know about. (+1 Stupidity) Why do I continue to be shocked when I find stupid things in this book?

Mike picks up on the fact that Bella is practically glued to Jacob and asks if they’re dating.

 

“Are you dating that kid from La Push? The sophomore?” He asked, poorly disguising the resentment in his tone. I shrugged. “Not in the technical sense of the word. I do spent most of my time with Jacob, though. He’s my best friend.” Mike’s eyes narrowed shrewdly. “Don’t kid yourself, Bella. The guy’s head over heels for you.” “I know,” I sighed. “Life is complicated.” “And girls are cruel,” Mike said under his breath.

 

Poor Mike. God, I feel really bad for him now. The poor kid never stood a chance. I don’t suppose there’s the off chance that he’s part Kryptonian or has some elf blood in him or something? Anything even slightly supernatural? Something that would give him just a tiny chance?

Bella and Charlie drop by Billy’s house later on for dessert. Sam and Emily are there too, and Emily brought cake. Since Charlie is a man, this immediately wins him over. This book isn’t just sexist towards women, is it? Jake and Bella skip out early.

 

“He reached over and took my hand. His skin was blazing on mine. “Is that one of those wolf things?” I asked him. “The heat, I mean.”

 

As it turns out, Jacob’s internal body temperature is now running at about 109 degrees. Apparently, it’s a wolf thing. Hmmn. Aren’t werewolves as big as midsize sedans? I wonder if Meyer knows that the bigger a living creature is, the lower its body temperature tends to be. (+1 Stupidity)

It would make more sense if Jacob was slightly hypothermic all the time, leaving him cold rather than hot. But Edward’s skin is already cold so Jacob’s skin has to be hot because they are opposites and science can go fuck itself. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“And you all heal fast—that’s a wolf thing, too?” “Yeah, wanna see? It’s pretty cool.” His eyes flipped open and he grinned. He reached around me to the glove compartment and dug around for a minute. His hand came out with a pocketknife.”

 

Jacob offers to cut himself so Bella can watch him heal, which is, quite honestly, creepy, messed up, and certainly says something about Meyer’s mental state.

BTW, Quil has grown a lot lately and has a wicked fever, so it’s likely he’s about to be damned to an eternity of fursplosions, too.

Jacob wonders if being a werewolf makes him less human. He admits, the first time he wolfed out, he nearly ripped Billy to shreds. Okay. Oh, and we’re now certain that it was indeed Sam that maimed Emily.

 

“The hardest part is feeling… out of control,” he said slowly. “Feeling like I can’t be sure of myself—like maybe you shouldn’t be around me, like maybe nobody should. Like I’m a monster who might hurt somebody. You’ve seen Emily. Sam lost control of his temper for just one second… and she was standing too close. And now there’s nothing he can ever do to put it right again.”

 

Jacob is better than the rest of the guys at being a werewolf, because both of his great-grandparents were werewolves. He relates his ancestry to Bella, which is almost more convoluted than the Summers’ family tree. As it would turn out, Quil is Jacob’s second cousin. Damn. Seems like everybody on the rez is related somehow.

To make Jacob feel better about the fact that he’s a werewolf, Bella asks Jacob what the best part is, to which he replies: the speed.

 

“How fast can you… ?” 
”Run?” he finished my question. “Fast enough. What can I measure it by? We caught… what was his name? Laurent? I imagine that means more to you than it would to someone else.” It did mean something to me. I couldn’t imagine that—the wolves running faster than a vampire. When the Cullens ran, they all but turned invisible with speed.”

 

Alrighty then. Now, I, Professor Kate, shall educate you in the ways of Meyerlogic. We’ve already made some basic calculations and assumptions in Twilight relating to a sparklepire’s speed. We know that Edward could easily run at 60 mph, so we’ll assume that werewolves can run at least that fast.

Now, perhaps 60 mph is a quick jog for a sparklepire, so for now, we’ll set the upper limit of their speed at 120 mph, and assume the same is true for werewolves. According to Meyerlogic, moving at speeds that fast should render objects nearly invisible.

Go watch some Nascar. Those cars move upwards of 200 mph, and we have no problem seeing them. So what is Meyer trying to say here? Sparklepires run faster than racecars? When sparklepires run, they enter some sort of stealth mode, rendering them nearly invisible to the human eye? WTF? (+1 Stupidity)

 

“So, tell me something I don’t know,” he said. “Something about vampires. How did you stand it, being around them? Didn’t it creep you out?” “No,” I said curtly.”

 

Well, of course they didn’t, they were just so beautiful and perfect and wonderful and sparkly and boring. Jacob asks her to tell him about the super sparkle powers they all had.

 

“Jasper could… sort of control the emotions of the people around him. Not in a bad way, just to calm someone down, that kind of thing. It would probably help Paul a lot,” I added, teasing weakly. “And then Alice could see things that were going to happen. The future, you know, but not absolutely. The things she saw would change when someone changed the path they were on…”

 

All this being grown-up and talking about your problems has made the sore (I’ve decided it’s more like a blister than a hole) flare up, and Bella does the second somewhat adult thing I’ve seen in this book, and talks about her feelings.

 

“It hurts to think about them,” I whispered. “It’s like I can’t breathe… like I’m breaking into pieces…”

 

Jacob agrees not to press the subject.

 

What Jacob says: It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it.

What Jacob thinks: My God, I need to dump this dumb bitch.

 

Bella tries to decide where she’s going to hang out in La Push when Jacob has to wolf out. First she tries to hang out at Billy’s, but Billy is too boring, so that’s out. She goes to Emily’s next, but Sam drops by occasionally, and then the “aura” of their love becomes too much for Bella, so that’s out. Bella is stuck wandering the beaches being introspective.

Great.

Bella whines about how much she’s been thinking about the Cullens, and how much it hurts. Is this what Meyer thinks character development is? I’d almost forgotten how boring this book really is.

 

“…I was getting in deeper and deeper with Jacob without ever having consciously decided to progress in that direction and I didn’t know what to do about it—none of these very real, very deserving of thought, very pressing concerns could take my mind off the pain in my chest for long. Eventually, I couldn’t even walk anymore, because I couldn’t breathe”.

 

Bella plops down and curls into a ball to hold herself together. (+1 Angst) She isn’t able to move until Jacob comes along and helps her up. Typical. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“I’m ruining your spring break,” Jacob accused himself as we walked back up the beach. “No, you’re not. I didn’t have any plans. I don’t think I like spring breaks, anyway.”

 

Once again, Meyer’s aversion to the word, “said” causes trouble. How is Jacob accusing himself? Is he schizophrenic too? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Jacob decides to take Bella cliff diving, and I’m not sure where the hell his head is on that one. “Oh, sure, let’s take the mentally unstable girl who has a penchant for participating in potentially hazardous and fatal activities cliffdiving!” (+1 Stupidity)

Bella hasn’t had an Ed-isode in forever, so she greedily agrees.

 

“I woke early the next morning and snuck a change of clothes out to the truck. I had a feeling that Charlie would approve of today’s plan just about as much as he would approve of the motorcycle. The idea of a distraction from all my worries had me almost excited. Maybe it would be fun. A date with Jacob, a date with Edward… I laughed darkly to myself.”

 

Bella goes on and on about how damaged and messed up she is. Good God. (+1 Angst) Jake isn’t out there to greet her, so she assumes he’s sleeping and heads on in. Surprise, surprise, the wolves caught a fresh whiff of Victoria this morning and are all out hunting. Bella nearly breaks down right there, and then heads out to the beach to bitch about the weather.

 

“I knew it was all just a product of the weather, but it still made me edgy. The heavy, warm pressure of the atmosphere was perceptible even to my weak human senses, and it hinted at something major in the storm department. A glance at the sky backed this up; the clouds were churning sluggishly despite the lack of breeze on the ground. The closest clouds were a smoky gray, but between the cracks I could see another layer that was a gruesome purple color. The skies had a ferocious plan in store for today.”

 

While the sky plans something ferocious, (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella is a little bitch. She sulks, mostly because she can’t hallucinate now. I wish she would just get into drugs or something. Then, she decides she’ll go cliff diving after all.

 

“The burning in my chest flared agonizingly. There had to be some way to quench it. The pain was growing more and more intolerable by the second. I glared at the cliffs and the crashing waves. Well, why not? Why not quench it right now?”

 

Right now.

In the middle of a storm.

With the waves crashing around like crazy.

She drives her truck to the top of the cliff, steps out to the edge, and smiles as she hears Edward begging her not to kill herself. I’m just waiting for the bitch to finally do it. I’m tired of boredom, overwrought narrative, stupid superpowers, flat characters, and plot holes. I want this to end.

 

“I rolled up onto the balls of my feet. “No, Bella!” He was angry now, and the anger was so lovely.”

 

Do it, Bella. Or are you too chicken?

 

“And I flung myself off the cliff.”

 

Yesss.

You could say that Bella took a “Swan” dive off that cliff. Buh dum CHTT! (I could almost hear her cry “I AM THE SWAN QUEEN!” while jumping off the cliff.)

While Bella plummets toward the ocean, let’s take this into account: There is no way in hell she should survive hitting the water.

I’m serious. Professional cliff divers train for years before they start jumping of cliffs the size that Bella just went over. (At least 100 feet up, if not more.) The thing is, if you don’t hit the water just so, you are fucked seven ways to Sunday. I extremely doubt that Bella is lucky enough to jump out far enough to avoid smashing herself on the cliff face and hit the water without killing herself immediately. By all logic, Bella should be a  goner. (+1 Stupidity)

Have any of you guys every been to Casa Bonita? It’s a cheesy theme restaurant in Denver, and is basically a Mexican Disneyland. (They made a South Park episode about it.) Anyways, one of their main attractions are the cliff divers (aka college swim team divers) who jump from a platform maybe about 25 feet in the air. And they take their time. They have to be super careful taking dives of 25 feet, but Bella can just fling herself willy-nilly of the nearest 100+ foot cliff. Right. (+1 Stupidity)

But Bella’s diamond skull protects her, and she hits the water, and is all “HAHA BITCHES I’M AWESOME” and then the current catches her.

 

“Gravity was all-powerful when it competed with the air, but it had nothing on the waves—I couldn’t feel a downward pull, a sinking in any direction. Just the battering of the current that flung me round and round like a rag doll.”

 

And she is surprised. She is shocked that the water is so violent, in the middle of a Goddamn storm. (+1 Stupidity)

And she drowns.

I’m not kidding.

… And Meyer actually put this in her book? I’ve been questioning the example she’s been setting for her impressionable readers this whole time, but seriously? So if your boyfriend dumps you, throw yourself off a cliff? Is this the really the message she wants to send? (+1 Stupidity)

Good Lord, I can’t believe somebody ACTUALLY PUBLISHED THIS. Somebody actually thought it would be a good idea to promote a heroine–and I use that term loosely–that falls into a depression and tries to off herself because her boyfriend leaves her. No positive moving-on-with-life message. No strong-independent-woman message. But a teenage girl trying to kill herself because her one and only reason for living dumped her ass. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella makes an art form out of stupid.

 

“Why would I fight when I was so happy where I was? Even as my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold, I was content. I’d forgotten what real happiness felt like.”

 

I wish I could just hate Bella to death. (+1 Angst)

She gives up, stops fighting it, and thinks of Edward.

I can’t believe there’s more of this crap. Can I just stop here? I can pretend the series ended here, and then there was an epilogue about how Edward committed sparklecide, Jacob mourned, then got together with Mike, and Victoria said, “Oh, well that settles that, then”, and Meyer got hit by a bus.

So, almost a year after her abusive boyfriend left her unconscious in the forest and stole her things, Bella Swan commits suicide by throwing herself from a cliff into the storm-tossed sea.

 

“Goodbye, I love you, was my last thought.”

 

The more you suffer, the more it means you care.

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +12

Angst: +3

Bitch: +1

Thesaurus Rape: +2

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +166

Angst: +27

Bitch: +27

Thesaurus Rape: +32

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: Sparklepeen-12  Wolfballs-2

Redemption: +2

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Comments
  1. TacoMagic says:

    Phoenix Wright reference FTW!

    Also, why are we feeling bad that Mike is unable to “get with” bella? Even if he’s depressed over his inability to be in a relationship with her, surely we should all be elated that he’ll eventually have to move on and date somebody worthwhile.

  2. sphadmins says:

    “Poor Mike. God, I feel really bad for him now. The poor kid never stood a chance. I don’t suppose there’s the off chance that he’s part Kryptonian or has some elf blood in him or something? Anything even slightly supernatural? Something that would give him just a tiny chance?”

    To this I say nay. Because Mike is a decent character it would make me sad to see him turn out to be something supernatural and get led around by the dick. And then, if he were still likeable as a supernatural creature, he’d probably go the way of Jacob and end up engaged to a fetus. Although I do like the mental image of an elf Mike, now I’m gonna go draw that…

  3. cupcake2eater says:

    I’m not even joking when I say that I literally cheered out loud when Bella threw herself off that damn cliff. I thought, “YES! THE BITCH IS GONE!”

    And then she survived.

  4. […] author of a wonderful Twilight snarking blog, once made a witty comment in one of her posts about Mike having some elf blood in him. I’m the nut who decided she felt like drawing that and Kate wanted the picture. I then […]

  5. Beth says:

    This and the Half-world are probably my all time favourite blogs 😀 my one regret is that I didn’t find this sooner

  6. Ryan says:

    “Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable.”

    To quote Dana of Reasoning with Vampires, we’re deep into the realm of psychological fuckery.

  7. Cassandra says:

    OMG i hate Meyer so much! Has she never met someone who has suizid-thoughts? You don’t make fun of suizid!! Like you don’t make fun of war or rape or somethig! This isn’t funny you fucking Bitch!!!! Oh, this fucking book sends so “good” messages! >:-(

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